Kayla

I let Cayson stew in his misery for a few days. At first, I wasn’t going to call him back. After all, he deserted me when I needed him the most. But the more I think about it, the more I deserve to know what the hell happened. I don’t need to forgive him if I don’t want to, but I do need to hear his explanation, or I will never have any closure. The clock on the side of my bed reads 1:30 a.m. I know Cayson’s schedule well enough to know he will still be wound up from the show and won’t be asleep yet. I punch in his number and let the phone ring until it goes to voicemail, and then hang up. I wait just a few more minutes before I try again. Only this time when the phone picks up, it isn’t Cayson; it’s a female's voice saying, “Hello.” When I don’t respond, I heard her ask, “Kayla, are you there?” How does she know it’s me on the other end? Better yet, how does she even know who I am? I immediately hang up and toss the phone across the room, shattering it into pieces.

The door to my room swings open and in rushes Brenda. “Are you alright, dear? I heard a loud bang.”

I want to tell her that I’m perfectly fine so I don’t have to explain what has just happened, but I can’t. I’m not alright, and her son is the reason why. I think I have my emotions all under control until I see the worry on her face. I can’t control the tears any longer, and they begin to fall from my eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll be fine, Brenda. You can go back to bed.”

Brenda steps around the pieces of my broken phone as she walks over to my bed and takes a seat. “Judging by the shape of your phone, I think I’d be safe to assume this has to do with my son. Do you want to talk about it?”

I don’t intend on sharing this with anyone. After all, I’ve done such a great job keeping it a secret until now. Brenda sits quietly as I go over the events of the last two weeks. My tears have subsided long enough for me to put together coherent sentences until I get to the part of him having found another woman. Those words are the hardest to say, but I eventually get them out in between sobs and hiccups.

Brenda leans in to wrap her arms around me but then stops and grabs my hand in hers instead. Tenderly, she pats it when she speaks. “I know my son, Kayla, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not with anyone else. Since the day he met you, you’re all he thinks about. I can’t say why he acted the way he did or why he avoided your calls, but I assure you on my life that it is not another woman.”

I want to believe Brenda more than anything, but my mind just can’t. “A woman answered his phone, Brenda. Isn’t that proof enough?”

“No,” Brenda states vehemently. “It doesn’t mean anything other than a woman answered his phone. You don’t know who she is or why she answered it. Only that she did. I suggest that you give him the opportunity to explain.” I roll my eyes at her suggestion. “I’m not saying that, Kayla, because he’s my son. I’m saying it because you deserve to find out the truth and not jump to conclusions. Then, if you are right, I’ll personally fly out and kill him myself.” Brenda’s last comment has me laughing.

Just like my mother would, Brenda reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear and wipes away my tears. “Hold on a second,” she says and leaves the room, only to return a few moments later with her cell phone in hand. “Call him, let him explain. You owe that to yourself.” I take the phone from her hand, clasping it tightly as she leaves the room, closing my door behind her.

It takes me forever to get the strength to dial the number, but once the phone rings, I’m committed to seeing it through. Good or bad, I’m going to get the answers I need. Cayson picks up on the second ring and begins to speak. Fear resonates in his voice.

“Mom, thank God you called. I’ve been trying to call Kayla, but she’s not picking up. I need to speak to her, Mom. Ellie picked up my phone for me when she saw Kayla’s name on the display. It’s not what she thinks it is, Mom. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.”

I know from the sound of panic in his voice and the sincerity in which he speaks that I have jumped to all kinds of conclusions. “Cayson, it’s me.”

“Princess, oh thank God. Wait, why are you calling from my mom's phone?”

This is going to be embarrassing to admit. “I might or might not have hurled my phone across the room, shattering it into pieces,” I tell him.

I can hear the laughter in his voice. “You’re such a badass, princess.” Immediately after the words leave his mouth, I feel the atmosphere change. It’s weird that we’re thousands of miles away from each other and on the phone, yet I feel it. The minute he takes in a heavy sigh, everything changes. “Princess, it’s not what you think. I swear to you. I know you have no reason to believe me. After all, I did ignore you for a week, and that explanation is next, but Ellie answering my phone isn’t what you assume it is. Ellie is Rocky’s sister, and she just didn’t want me to miss your call again. I swear it, princess.”

Cayson’s voice is desperate and laced with emotion. I know deep down he’s telling the truth. I’m willing to admit that I overreacted on that part, but I’m not willing to let him off when it comes to ignoring me. I’m angry all over again.

“I called because I want answers, Cayson. Answers to why you ignored my calls when I needed you most. You were supposed to be there for me. Remember? Partners? Or does that only apply when you want it to?”

“No, you’re right, princess, we were partners. I mean, we are partners. I let you down and didn’t hold up my end of the deal, and for that, I am so, so very sorry.” Cayson’s voice takes on a whole new tone that almost sounds like defeat.

“Why, Cayson? Just tell me why. I want the honest truth, or this call ends now, and I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“Kayla, this needs to be a conversation we can have face-to—”

“No,” I interrupt him. “It needs to be had now.” And then it hits me. He called me Kayla. He always calls me princess.

“Suit yourself. I just hate that I can’t be there holding you when I say what I have to say. I want, no, I need you to understand, to feel what I’m feeling, so you know what I’m saying is the truth.” There is a pause for a brief minute before I hear him inhale and slowly exhale a long breath. “I was scared. Scared that you’d get sick again. Scared that the next time, you could die. Fuck, I wasn’t just scared, I was terrified, and I was selfish. I only thought about how it would affect me and what I’d lose if anything happened to you. All I was worried about was how it would rip my heart into pieces. How it would devastate me because I’ve never felt this way about a woman before. I’m all fucked up in the head over you, Kayla. I’m so sorry. I never stopped to think about how I was making you feel.”

I didn’t expect to hear Cayson pour his heart out. In the back of my mind, I imagined that it all had to do with how marred my skin was now. I assumed he would see what I see: half a woman with ugly breasts. A defective version of my older self. One who is fighting for her life. In my mind, I had come to the conclusion that Cayson needs a whole woman, a healthy one. He doesn’t need the worries that will loom over our future, and so I’m the one who wrote us off in my head, not him.

“I just assumed you didn’t want me anymore, Cayson. You know, because I’m not whole,” I say

“Stop it, princess. This is all on me; you are not to blame for any of this. I should have talked to you. Instead, I ignored you and made it worse while I tried to figure it out all on my own. I promise I’ll never do that again.”