Barrett

 

I’m almost done with my latest engine. There’s just something about taking it apart and putting it all back together again that makes you feel accomplished. Sure, a lot of people might look down on mechanics, but how often can they take a piece of junk and make it into something worthy? My uncle calls us the Fairy Godmothers of Steel, which of course earned him a ton of razzing from the guys.

I tighten the last bolt and jump in the car. That purr of life that runs from my foot up my body and imbeds in my spine is the best feeling ever. I get out and see my uncle standing there grinning.

“Got her running, I see.”

“Told you can me.” He chuckles and bumps my shoulder.

“How’s your dad?”

“Drunk. Same always.” My uncle gives me a concerned look then ushers me into the break room.

“Sit.” He pulls out a chair and grabs two sodas from the fridge. He hands me one and then takes the chair directly in front of me. The years have been kind to him. He is in his forties but still looks and acts at least a decade younger. Long dark hair which is usually pulled back, a constant five o’clock shadow, and a gleam in his eyes that always keep the ladies interested.

“I think it’s time we had a talk about your dad. This has gone on long enough; your mom has been gone for three years and he is only getting worse.” Uncle Randy is Mom’s brother. She taught him to sign when I went deaf at a young age, but with her gone, his sign isn’t great. At least he tries, though. He signs the words he knows and I figure out the rest, or at least enough to put together what the point is. All that matters is that he cares enough to try, unlike my father.

“Dad live without Mom can’t.” At his look of bewilderment, I voice along with my sign. “Fault Dad not.”

“It sure as hell is his fault. She was my sister. Your mother. Yeah it hurts. Is it hard to keep going every day without her? Of course, it is. But we do it because we have to. He has to. If not for his own sake than at least for yours and Codi’s.”

What he is saying isn’t wrong, but I’m past the point of caring. He never would have won father of the year, but before the cancer, he was at least a good husband. He adored my mom. He never wanted kids, but she did and he could never deny her anything. Once she was gone, we were just a reminder of her, one he obviously didn’t want.

I run my hand through my buzzed hair in frustration. I keep asking myself if Codi and I should just move in with Randy. He’s offered hundreds of times, but I promised Mom I’d look after my dad, and I refuse to let her down. Even if he doesn’t keep his promise, I’m keeping mine.

“Look, I think it’d be best if you and Codi—” I raise my hand, cutting him off.

“Promise Mom.” I both voice and sign. Randy is one of the few people I will actually voice for. He’s never made fun of my speech or had a hard time understanding me.

“I know, son, but she wouldn’t want you to keep promise if she could see what he’s become. Trust me, Maggie would be the first one to have him by his balls for this kind of behavior.” I laugh because he’s right. But still, a promise is a promise.

“Only three year finish, Codi, me move will.”

“I want your word on that, Barrett. As soon as Codi graduates, I want you both out of there. Promise me.”

“Promise.”

“You best worker have I.” He signs and I can’t help the smile that takes over my face.

“Signing good.”

“Yeah? Good. The ladies dig it.” I laugh and hit his arm. I throw up the I love you sign, which he returns, and then I grab my bag and head home to make Codi dinner.

 

 

I pull up to the trailer and sigh before getting out. It’s not that I’m ashamed of where we live, we’ve never had much and that never mattered, I’m ashamed of what we’ve let it become. I look over to the planter out front that Mom took such pride in. She would plant new flowers every spring and when the screen was open and the breeze came in, it would always bring a hint of freshness with it. Now it’s just a pile of dirt littered with beer cans and cigarette butts. I open the door and can’t help but wince. No matter how many times I walk across the threshold I still can’t prepare myself for the attack on my senses. What was once an inviting and homey place that smelled of casseroles and Lysol is now a broken down skeleton of its former self reeking of cigarette smoke, beer, and disappointment. Everywhere I look I see broken hearts and dreams. In a way, our shabby place is comforting. The fact that everywhere you look is a mess pretty much sums up our family. If we lived in a nice pristine place, it would feel too much like a lie. The fancy things would mock and taunt me. Old couches and broken chairs don’t mock, they silently cry out for attention. I laugh without humor, it looks like I have something in common with this crappy place after all.

Codi is frantically trying to scrub the kitchen when I walk in. He’s tossing fast food wrappers and beer cans as fast as he can. He knows I can’t stand coming home to cook in a dirty kitchen, but there’s an underlining panic that isn’t because of the mess.

“Wrong?” He looks at Dad nervously, then looks back at me. I don’t bother looking at my dad even though I know he’s telling Codi what to say to me. I watch my brother instead. I watch the sadness fill his eyes, soon replaced by disappointment. As he interprets my father’s words, I’m sure my face matches, with a good dose of pissed off thrown in.

“What say you? Rent money gone? Can’t! Gave Dad yesterday finish.” I scowl at my father, leaving him no room to misinterpret. Codi sighs, and I hate myself a little more every time I have to get him involved in this crap. He’s too young to have to worry about this stuff, but thanks to dear old Dad refusing to sign and saying he can’t understand me, even though I know very well he can, Codi is forced into the role of my interpreter.

“Dad, he said he just gave you the rent money yesterday. How can it be gone?” Codi is trying to hide his anger but he isn’t doing a very good job.

“Something came up. Anyway, that doesn’t matter. What matters is we were already two weeks late and I need it by tomorrow or we are out.” Codi interprets, and if I had hair, I’d be ready to pull it out, so I rub my hands over my head instead to keep from punching my old man. What came up was a horse race and a bad bet, or worse, a woman and bad judgment. Either way, I’m sick of working myself to the bone for him to piss away all my hard-earned money. We need a place to live, and as bad as this place is, it’s still home.

“Fine!” I sign, and then storm off and slam my door. Codi follows a few minutes later, looking shamed.

“Get job, can me.”

“No!”

“B, old enough me. Everything can’t you.”

“Yes, can I. School you. Fine us.”

I turn my back on him, signaling that this conversation is over. One of the perks of being deaf is not having to listen when I don’t want to. It drives my brother crazy that he has to listen to my dad rant and I can turn around when I’m done. I turn to my computer and bring up the internet, looking for a street race this evening. I never take a race without thoroughly scouting everything out first. I make sure I know the people racing, I go over the roads and the area, and once I deem it as safe as can be, then I accept. But with such little time, there is no way to properly vet this one out. All the races I’ve taken are with people I trust. It doesn’t matter if you are a safe and controlled driver, if the other car isn’t, then it’s dangerous for everyone.

I pull up the site with the street racing board and find a race nearby. I look at the clock. If I hurry, I can make it. I know the road, but I don’t know all of the other racers, which means it’s not a safe race. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I always get when I know I shouldn’t do something. I need the money tonight, and I’m not coming home until I get it. Decision made, I grab my leather jacket and baseball hat and head for the door.

“Go too.”

“No, Codi, stay.”

“Always go me. I go.”

“No. Need you here. Watch Dad.”

“Dad fine.”

“Make sure Dad steal money not. Please C.” I know I shouldn’t put this on him but I don’t want him there. Without knowing the details, it isn’t safe, and I can’t get him messed up in this right now. With him here I’m going to be a little off kilter since I won’t know what’s going on or have him to interpret, but that’s just going to have to be the case. I don’t have enough to cover the rent in my secret stash, but it’s enough that will screw us over without food if my dad takes it. He won’t find it, but it leaves enough doubt for Codi to agree to stay behind.