Presley

 

Jodi walks in and plops down on my bed where I’m listening to music and trying to write a paper. I take off my headphones and close my laptop.

“Hey girl, where have you been?”

“I’ve been in the health center all freaking morning!” she groans out dramatically as she lays down next to me.

“Oh yeah, finally getting that pesky STD taken care of?” I joke and get smacked for it.

“Very funny. I finally talked Zeek into letting me take him in.”

“So was it the bird flu like you thought?” I don’t bother hiding my smirk.

“Oddly enough no, just bronchitis, so he will live another day. Too bad, too…I was able to find a hazmat suit on Amazon and everything.”

“Well, maybe he’ll come down with the swine flu and you still can.”

“Oh, a girl can hope.” She nudges me and then hops up. “I almost forgot to give you this.” She leans down and fishes something out of her bag and hands it over.

“What is it?”

“Since I was there so long, I read through every single pamphlet they had. I thought you might actually find this one interesting, maybe you can pass it on to Barrett.”

“Cochlear implants? Hmm. I don’t think so, Jodi. He’s never brought it up and I would feel weird broaching this topic. I’m sure if it was an option and something he wanted, it would have been discussed by now, so I’m guessing he hasn’t done it for a reason. I don’t feel comfortable asking him.”

“That’s cool. I wasn’t sure, and when I saw it, I thought of you, that’s all. I hate to run again already, but I don’t want to be late for my class, so I gotta jet. I just wanted to let you know I’m going to be late tonight cuz I promised Zeek I’d stop in after class and bring him soup, so don’t wait up.”

“Okay, have fun,” I say as I toss the pamphlet on the dresser and pick my headphones back up.

When I’m in the zone I never realize how fast time goes by. I’m just about done with my paper when my headphones are lifted off my ears and I scream. A sheepish looking Barrett shyly smiles back. He signs sorry and I try and find my normal heart rhythm, which seems to still want to gallop out of my chest.

“Scare me to death.”

“Me knock again, again, again many time,” he signs.

“Sorry. Zone, me hear nothing,” I sign back, and point to my headphones. “I’m just about done,” I voice and then catch myself. “Wait you five minutes finish me?” I sign.

“Fine, finish, you hurry not. Come early surprise you,” he easily signs back and I smile.

“Surprise work. How get in?”

“Girl come in same time.”

We have a little TV that sits on top of our mini fridge. I point to the TV and then to the remote that’s on my dresser. He smiles and heads to the dresser to grab the remote. It’s not until he freezes that I remember what I carelessly left on the dresser.

“Not what think you.”

“Not cochlear implant information?” he signs, giving me a sarcastic look. I jump off the bed, toss the pamphlet in the trash, and grab both his hands. I make sure he’s looking at me.

“Yes. Jodi pick it up, but not want it me. Not for you.”

“So, for another deaf person you know then?” he voices, his tone laced with ice. Lord, this is not going well. Why didn’t I just throw it away as soon as she gave it to me?

“Stop,” I sign. “You know how feel me.”

“Obviously not, you keep for reason.”

“Not,” I plead. “Promise.”

He’s signing so fast now there is no way I can understand him. I can pick out words here and there and I’m not liking where this is going at all. I catch something about you hearing girls, and always the same, and I’m livid, so I do the only thing I can think of, and that’s grab his hands to stop him. From the look of horror on his face, it was clearly the wrong thing to do, and I drop them like they are on fire.

“Sorry. Sign fast you. Can’t understand.”

“Hearing girl can’t understand , voice me must,” he angrily signs. I’ve never seen him so bitter or angry…obviously this stems from something deeper, and I can’t help but wonder if we were doomed from the beginning.

“It’s always the same, Presley. Although you last longer most, I give you that. It become too hard? Your friends embarrassed? What?”

“No.” I say it much more calmly than I feel. “No, Barrett, you can’t speak to me this way. Understand mad and hurt you. But lashing out years of pent-up frustration on me isn’t fair.” I am signing and voicing, but because I’m so flustered my sign is slipping.

“And my life fair?”

“No, it isn’t. But not my fault. Stop acting like it is, please.”

“No, but you want me hearing is. Sorry not good enough for you, but like who I am me. Proud who I am. Proud Deaf man. Not go under brain surgery—”

“Not asking you.” I cut him off. “Not even giving me chance explain, Barrett.”

“Because hear all before. Same story, different girl.”

Ouch.

“Hurt me you lump me in category. Just another hearing girl me? How would you like if call you just another deaf guy?”

“Wouldn’t, but lot people think that. Think Deaf people same, should want hear.” He signs this softly, almost delicately, and I try to put my emotions aside and see how this is affecting him so I can try and put myself in his place. It’s hard to do when you’re mad, but I know he’s lashing out because he’s hurt. Lashing back doesn’t help either of us.

“Can’t understand you. That problem, Pres. Not try hurt you say that, deaf girls understand where coming from me, understand my struggle and battles every day.”

“Tell me! Want understand; want fight them with you but need let me. Tell me what like, how feel you. Keep inside and explode on me when fight not help, Barrett. Need let me in.” I’m a hot mess of sign and voice, anger and heartbreak. He doesn’t say anything, just eyes me for a moment. I can tell he isn’t sure and he’s weighing his options. His shoulders slump and he lets out a long shaky breath, then comes and sits next to me. He starts to talk and I stop him.

“Sign, just slower please.”

“No. This is too important for you to miss anything. I never talk about this, but I will for you, and not going to repeat myself, so need you to catch all.” He both signs and voices so I don’t miss anything, which is understandable. Since we’ve been together, I’ve gotten so much better at my signing, but I’m still new, so I miss a lot and he knows that. His speech isn’t bad, even though he’s self-conscious of it. He doesn’t pronounce his s or th sounds clearly and consonants are hard, but I’m used to that and can understand him fine.

“When you engulfed in silence, there certain type loneliness that you become accustomed. Most people used to others’ daily sounds, when alone, quiet, loneliness sets in, because reminds them there no one around to make sound.” I nod, following his reasoning clearly. “When deaf, become accustomed silence. Silence not enemy, silence comfort, normal. Know you when feel loneliest me?”

The way he asks is so desperate that I know his answer is going to rip at my soul. I don’t trust myself to speak, so I just shake my head.

“Not when alone, but middle crowded room. Worst type loneliness ever feel. Large group situation, big dinner. Worst. Conversation on my right try figure out what being said. Can only understand little because many people talk back and forth. Turn left me see if can understand what said but now laughing. Miss joke me, but when turn back right those people catch joke, laughing too. Everyone look me, question on face, because I only one not laughing. Chuckle me hide confusion. Now joke finish, so sit there me with dumb grin on my face for no reason and worst, absolutely worst part, realization that spreads across everyone face. Instant mood killer and I am cause…every time. One thing flashes across every single face, pity. The wave of realization that poor guy have no freaking clue what happening. Out of courtesy everyone stop talking, and then big, awkward silence.”

He isn’t looking at me but through me. His eyes and thoughts are somewhere in the past reliving the emotions all over again. Each one plays out on his face and it takes everything in me not to grab and hold him and bring him back into the now.

“Deaf me, silence fine, but not awkward ‘know everyone would be talking not for me silence.’ Try start up conversation so not weird, people jump chance relieve awkwardness. But now all ten-people try add opinion and then right back where started trying figure out who talking and what said. My eyes ping pong back forth one person to next, try keep up, and now much worse because I start conversation, so people expect me interact.”

His shoulders slump and he puts his face in his hands. This is a different kind of agony than I’ve ever seen in him before.

“Exhausting, Pres. Happens more time can count, never fail hit breaking point. Point when get bone deep loneliness because know only one who drowning in sea of sound—me. Only one at table doesn’t belong.”

He takes a moment to compose himself and I can see how hard he’s trying to hold it together. Barrett always tries to look at the positive, never wanting to tell me how badly he is affected by a situation, the fact that he’s laying himself bare right now must be killing him. Once he is composed enough to continue, he goes on.

“Do what do best me, nod, smile, say next time better will. But know what? Never better. Loneliness just as acute, self-hatred just as strong because find yourself wishing weren’t Deaf, that can be same everyone else. That worst part because really like who I am. Not see Deafness bad. Have whole community people who understand me. Have language, culture, support network not bad…except those dinners. Or in movie theater, or store where play song everyone know but you. Those moments, feel all alone me. Only people who fully understand , people same me. Deaf.”

He says this last part with such shame that I can’t keep the tears from falling.

“So that’s it then?” I can barely choke the words out. I swore I’d never let a guy see me cry. I’ve never wanted to give one the power before. But with Barrett it’s not about power. I know my tears hurt him almost as much as they hurt me. I can’t stand to bring him anymore pain, so I choke them back. He obviously doesn’t buy it because he groans in frustration.

“That not reason, Pres. Wish was, because can be lonely for you.” He sighs again and I can tell he’s getting frustrated. “Not explaining right.”

He takes a moment to think, he does this a lot, so I know he’s trying to think of the perfect word to accompany the sign.

“This hard part about reading lips, signing. Want hold you now but…one second.” He moves my desk chair so that it is directly in front of the dresser mirror. Then he sits down and pulls me to sit on his lap, wrapping his arms around me so he can still sign and see me in the mirror.

“Okay, ASL different signs, similar words. Dating, girlfriend, sweetheart, wife.” He looks at me expectantly, making sure I’ve caught all the signs and their meanings, and I nod for him to continue.

“Sign different others.” He closes the pointer finger and thumb together to make the “okay” sign with both hands, then hooks those together. “Connect, to join. Mean same, one mind, one understanding. Reason why different than relationship sign. More only date, more only with someone.”

Now this I completely understand, and it breaks me because it’s completely out of my control.

“Impossible for us to achieve, is that what you are saying?” The tears are back, but I don’t think he notices because they are in his eyes too.

“Best friend you theatre major.”

“She’s also an E N G I N E E R I N G major too, though,” I lamely add. He smiles in a way that breaks my heart, because we both know exactly what he means, but I refuse to go down without a fight.

“Sing karaoke, watch Jodi’s plays, sing radio in car, musical parties all favorite you, Pres. Love that me. Love how much fun you have together. Want that for you. Not want you stop, worry missing out me, have stop every minute explain what happening me. Deserve someone who don’t have do that for. You deserve connect.” He kisses me softly, yet I cling desperately to him, refusing to let this be good-bye. But I can taste it, in our desperation, in our heartache, that good-bye is exactly what this is. I cling to the desperation like an addict. Knowing it’s bad for you and that you should stop, but knowing once you stop, you will always need it, always crave it. So, I refuse to end the kiss. Sensing this, he breaks the kiss and lifts me off his lap and back onto the chair. He never looks back as he walks out my door.

I shatter.

 

 

I’m not sure if I sit for five minutes or five hours, but I wait until I am not gasping for breath and hyperventilating before I call Jodi. I have no clue where she is, but I know she will drop everything to come, and that’s all I need right now, to not be alone with my thoughts any longer. I take a deep breath and call her.

“Hey girl, I’m kinda in the middle of something here, so on a scale of opening a pickle jar to hiding the body, how important is this?” she whispers into the phone, and I’m caught between a sob and a laugh, but I’m pretty sure all that comes out is the sobbing of her name.

“Crap, hiding the body it is. On my way.”

Great, and now I’m back to sobbing again. I have no clue if she was in class or at Zeek’s, but either way she must have mowed down half the student body to get here as fast as she did, but I don’t ask questions as the door flies open and she gathers me in her arms.

“What’s wrong, love?” I try to talk but I know I’m not making any sense.

“Bbbarrrett,” I manage to squeak out, and she nods, and then just holds me. At some point I fall asleep, and when I wake, it’s pitch black out.

“Do you feel like talking now?” I realize I’m still draped across her lap.

“Oh geez, I’m so sorry, Jodi. You could have woken me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Now, how about you fill me in?” I sit up and take a deep breath. I’m pretty sure I cried myself dry, so I don’t think I’m at risk of losing it again. I fill her in on everything that happened, and just as I knew it would, her face drops when I tell her the reason for the fight.

“Oh my God, Pres, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I started all of this.”

“No, I do not accept your apology because it is in no way your fault. I’m actually glad you brought that brochure because this conversation really needed to happen. If it didn’t happen today, it would have happened eventually. It has nothing to even do with that, it was just the catalyst.”

“So you really think it’s over?”

“I do. You should have seen him when he left, he was so broken and raw. It wasn’t a usual breakup, Jo; it gutted us both. You could tell he didn’t want to leave, but it was like he knew it would only make things worse in the long run if he didn’t.”

“I call bull.” I’m so shocked at this that my mouth must hang open because she laughs. “Really, Pres, I think it’s crap. You guys are perfect together, and so what if you’ll never understand each other perfectly? Opposites attract for a reason. You can be his strength and he can be yours where you are weak, that’s what a good relationship is all about. Don’t let his insecurities ruin what you have.” I start to feel the first spark of hope at her words.

“But if he’s done with me, there’s nothing I can do.”

“Says who? Why do you think the grand gesture was made then?”

“Grand gesture?”

“You know boom box over the head, a thousand yellow daisies, meet me on the pitcher’s mound. Grand gestures say you aren’t going to take no for an answer and that you are willing to put yourself out there and possibly be rejected because you care so much. The grand gesture always works.” I can’t help the eyeroll I give her.

“Those are all movies, Jodi, things don’t work like that in real life.” Not at all put off by that, Jodi continues with gusto.

“Sure they do, the problem is nobody does them in real life. You need to take a last stand. Prove to him that he is wrong, and that you can feel how he feels. That you can connect, you can understand him, and not only that, you two can be better together than either of you can apart.”

“This all sounds amazing, but what exactly could I do?”

“Well, that’s where my brilliance runs out, but I’m sure you’ll think of something. What you need to do is put yourself in his shoes. Wear ear plugs if you have to and find a way to reach him that nobody else could. Use your strengths to reach him.” Something she says just clicks and I can’t help when the spark of hope turns into a full-fledged fire within me.

“I can show him through music, that’s it!” Now Jodi is looking at me like I’ve clearly lost it, but she isn’t sure how to break it to me.

“Um, Pres, that wasn’t really—”

“No, it’ll be perfect, Jo, just think about it. Music is my life, right? It’s the one area that he is certain he could never understand, therefore never be a part of. All I have to do now is prove that he can.”

“How exactly are you going to do that? Um…I don’t think I like that look you’re giving me.”

“I’m going to use every single sense he has to experience sound…and you, my brilliant friend, are going to help me.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.” Even though she says it, the twinkle in her eyes tell me another story. There’s nothing Jodi loves more than a good challenge that she can attack from all angles.