Drew
Me: Please talk to me. I love you. You have to know that.
I SENT TEXT after text to Sara with no response with calls sent straight to voice mail in between. It’d only been two days, but the more time went on without a reply, the more final it all seemed. I couldn’t lose her. Not now. Maybe we were only officially together since Christmas, but I loved her before that. It didn’t matter if I was twenty-five or fifty-five, I knew Sara was it for me. The job at Ontech was my goal when I started graduate school, but not anymore. My goals were a beautiful brunette and her adorable daughter, and the amazing life I knew we could have. Not accepting the offer to be with her was not settling or a sacrifice, despite my word vomit at the time. She was what I wanted. I convinced her to take a chance on us, and I would again—if she would just fucking answer me. Every second away from her that ticked by brought me that much closer to madness.
I trudged into the kitchen, tired and hungry and yet restless and sick to my stomach. I needed her back. Nothing felt right or made sense without her.
“Hey, man.” Brian cringed at my approach. “You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit, too. Thanks.” All my free time was spent texting and calling Sara. Shaving and showering dropped low on my list of priorities. Sleeping wasn’t happening either as my bedsheets still smelled like Sara. I buried my face in my pillow, breathing in her scent as if I could will her to come to life in my arms. We weren’t broken up, we were in a limbo that needed to be fixed. The more I told myself that, the harder it was to believe.
“I’m sorry, man. I had no idea she didn’t know.”
“It’s all right. And it’s my fault. I should’ve told her.” I fell into a seat at the counter and poured rice cereal into a bowl. It tasted like sawdust even after I doused it with milk, but I couldn’t win Sara back if I fainted from malnutrition.
“So, why didn’t you?” Carlos strolled into the kitchen and headed for the blender for one of his protein shakes. “Graduation is in a month and a half, and you still didn’t give them a hard no.”
“That’s because I need the offer in play to negotiate. I found a firm in Manhattan with almost the same position available.” I swirled my spoon around in the bowl, forcing myself to swallow with every bite. I knew exactly how she’d react if she knew about Seattle. Before me, no one ever gave her a second thought. She had no friends or family before she came here. She had a hard time believing I wanted to be with her at all, much less relocate myself for her. She still didn’t believe the love between us was real, and that burned most of all.
“Where the restaurant Sara will be working at is, right?”
“Yes. Once that offer came through, I would’ve told Sara right away. She’s been so upset lately with graduation so close. I didn’t want to tell her unless I was sure.” If I didn’t get it, I had other feelers out there and a few callbacks. I wouldn’t give up, but I didn’t want to tell her unless I was certain. I was in this whole stupid mess because I wasn’t honest with her, and in my panic over losing her, I said a shit ton of things I didn’t mean. Words like burden, sacrifice, taking on. No wonder she wouldn’t respond. I picked up my phone, taunted by my blank screen.
Come on, Gorgeous. Text me back.
“So, you really love her, huh?” Brian came over to where I sat and rested his elbows on the counter. “I mean, I’ve seen you break up with women before—”
“We didn’t break up,” I grunted as I threw my bowl in the sink. “It’s a fucked-up misunderstanding I could correct if she would just speak to me.”
“Are you really ready for all of that?” Carlos asked from where he leaned against the counter.
“Ready for what?” I craned my head as I clutched the edge of the sink. The only conversation I was capable of was snapping at anyone who dared to speak to me. I was an angry, heartbroken, ornery-as-hell mess.
“Settling down, being someone’s stepdad. I know she stayed here with her kid for a few days, but doing that full-time . . . are you sure you’re ready for that?”
Did I plan on falling in love with a woman with a child at this point in my life—no, but it happened. Now, being forced to think of having to live without her turned my stomach.
“Being with Sara isn’t settling. She’s the . . . she’s everything. I can’t see myself with anyone else. Maybe having Victoria here for a few days isn’t the same as being a full-time stepdad, but I’m up for the job. In fact, I want the fucking job. I want them both. And I’ll get them back.”
I wanted to believe that, but I wasn’t convincing anyone, including myself.
I parked in the lot by the lab, hoping like hell Sara would be practicing for lab exams tonight. My heart leaped into my throat when my phone finally buzzed in my pocket.
Victoria: Can you help me pick out a birthday present for Mommy? Dad said he would help but you know her better.
Pain seized my chest as if I’d been stabbed. Losing Sara would mean losing her, too. My fingers froze over the keys, unsure how to respond.
Me: Sure. That’s an awesome idea. Let me think and I’ll get back to you, okay, pretty girl?
Victoria: OK. You’re the best Drew.
I strode into the lab on shaky legs, quickly settling at the front desk. Pretending to be engrossed in my laptop screen, my eyes darted back and forth to the door. She usually came to the lab around eight and practiced for an hour before a practical exam. The air stilled in my lungs when I found Lisa but expelled out when I realized she was alone.
“Hey, Drew.” Lisa regarded me with sympathetic eyes as she signed in. “It’s none of my business,” she whispered as she leaned in. “But I hate this for you guys.”
I nodded and folded my arms. That made two of us.
“How is she?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
“Miserable. Doesn’t say much. Sniffles in her sleep but denies it.” Her lips curved in a sad smile. “She’s as quiet as she was when I first met her.”
It should have made me feel better hearing she was so distraught, but it didn’t. Her own happiness was a non-factor to her. She cut me off because she thought it was best for me without any regard for breaking her own heart. I missed her to the point of physical pain, but I was selfish enough to fight for her. She didn’t have a selfish cell in her body. She only fought for herself when it meant fighting for her daughter. I hated that she was back to the closed off woman I’d first met all those months ago. She needed me; we needed each other. Why was this even happening? I pulled at the roots of my hair in frustration, wanting to tear them from my scalp.
“She’s not coming, is she?”
Lisa shook her head, frowning at the sad sack I was. “I’m sorry.”
“Sara’s at McQuaid’s.” Emma signed in behind Lisa. “She said Aaron would let her have the kitchen to herself to practice tonight.”
“Aaron?” My blood boiled as I straightened in my chair. Seeing me was too much for her so she went to that slime ball for help? I crushed the pencil I was tapping on the desk so tightly in my hands, it broke in half. “Instead of coming here, she’s with that douchebag—after hours—by herself.”
Emma grimaced before she headed for an empty station.
“You know nothing is going on, right? She loves you, Drew.”
I leaned back in the chair, itching to close the lab and speed to McQuaid’s to pull her out of there. But, I couldn’t, could I? I wasn’t her jealous boyfriend. Not anymore.
“You know that she can handle herself—”
“I’m fine, Lisa. No need to explain.” I nodded to the back. “Go practice.”
She opened her mouth to say something but closed it before making her way to a station.
Sara and I had a soul-searing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love . . . but only one of us thought it was worth fighting for.