Chapter Nineteen – Only Breakfast
Carly
To say I’m nervous is an understatement. I sat in my car until I couldn’t sit there any longer. With shaky legs, I walk across the street and open the large glass door at the front of the small café that I love. I slip inside, spotting my father at a booth in the back. His gaze catches mine as he watches me approach the table. He stands up, and I can see his discomfort, not really knowing whether to give me a hug or not. I decide to answer his question by sitting down in the empty bench seat across from him.
Dad sits down, taking a sip of his steaming black coffee. “I didn’t know if you wanted coffee,” he says in his thick accent. Each time he speaks, it’s like a piece of my childhood returns to me. I remember the thick accent, the deep timbers of his voice. He might have aged a great deal, but the sound of his voice is the same.
“Coffee, please,” I tell the waitress as she approaches our table.
“Thank you for meeting me,” he says, those dark brown eyes trained on me.
“Yeah, well, I honestly don’t know why I’m here,” I tell him, still teetering that line between upset and curious.
“You have questions. I have answers.”
The waitress returns, delivering my coffee and taking our order. I stick with something light–a fruit salad and bagel–not knowing if my stomach is going to handle anything heavier.
“Ask me anything,” he says quietly after the waitress walks away.
“Why? Why was I led to believe you were dead,” I ask instantly. Though there are so many questions, this is the one that I can’t seem to wrap my mind around.
“It’s very complicated, Carlina, but I’ll do my best to answer you. Your mother and I were happily married when you came along. Your arrival only seemed to deepen the love I had for her. Georgie was my first real love, Carly. You have to know that. You and your mother were the loves of my life. That’s why I had to send you away,” he says, his voice small and his eyes cast downward.
I don’t speak so he continues. “My business is…difficult to explain to you, Carlina. It’s a business I was first introduced to in my homeland of Mexico. For a while, it was the only thing I knew. They sent me to the United States and from there, my business was born. I’m not a good man, Carlina. I do things that I’m not proud of, but you have to know that it doesn’t mean I didn’t love you and your mother.”
“Why then?” I whisper, my heart lodged securely in my throat.
“A former business associate was a little upset when I branched out on my own. He tracked me to Vegas and began to make threats. I didn’t take them seriously until this one particular day. We were on vacation when photos of you and your mother arrived with a note. He was going to kill you both. While I wasn’t scared of him, I was terrified that he would get to you. I increased security those first few days of our vacation, but the photos kept arriving. He was close and I knew he would follow through with his threat. He made it clear that he could get to you both and that I wouldn’t see it coming until it was too late. The only way to make him stop and to focus his anger on me was to send you away.
“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I watched you and your mother get on that boat knowing that you would never return to me. Mattias had contacts everywhere and he helped doctor documents that indicated you and your mother perished in a sailing accident. But you have to know that I never forgot you. You were never far from my mind. I’ve always watched you from afar, Carlina. Even if I couldn’t be front and center, I was always there. Sometimes through your uncle, but always near.”
His words sink in. Tears that I didn’t even know I was shedding were falling down my cheeks. “I’ve always kept silent tabs on you, mi Tesoro. Graduations. Birthday parties. Ballet recitals. When you had your beautiful daughter, I was there.”
“What happens next?” I ask the man with eyes the same as my own.
“Nothing happens, mi hija. I can’t risk your life or your bambino’s life. You needed to know the story as best as I could tell you, but that’s it. I won’t risk your life again.” His words are like a dagger to the heart. I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. My father is dangled before me and then pulled away again like a toy on a string. Knowing that we’ll never have the relationship I didn’t even know I wanted so desperately, guts me. The tears fall in earnest as the waitress delivers our food. I’m suddenly not even close to being hungry.
“Please don’t cry, mi hija. I will continue to watch over you, but I won’t risk you. You would do the same for your daughter.”
“Yes, I would. But I would also never put her at risk in the first place,” I state matter-of-factly.
“Are you sure about that?” he asks, his dark eyebrows risen into his hairline. He doesn’t elaborate which tells me his question is probably hypothetical. At least, that’s what I tell myself, even as the slight uneasy feeling settles over me.
The rest of breakfast is quiet. Neither of us really knows what to say to each other so we decide to keep it silent. Reaching the end of the meal, I follow my father’s lead and stand up. “Mi hija. My daughter. Please know that I will always love you, even if I can’t be a part of your life. I hope that you’ll remember that every day as you raise mi nieta. Maybe, someday, you’ll even be able to forgive me for the choices I’ve made in my life. Te quiero, Carlina,” he says before placing a soft kiss on my forehead and walking out of the café.
With tears in my eyes and a heart so heavy, it feels like forty-pound weights are dragging it down, I drive back home on autopilot. I’m filled with grief all over again as I lose my father. Again. Knowing that he’s close, but so very far away is the worst pain. I lost him before, and it feels like that old wound is being ripped open. I park my car and quickly make my way up to my apartment.
As soon as I open the door, Blake is there. His arms wrap around me, pulling me deeply into his embrace. While my world shatters around me and I lose my father all over again, Blake’s warmth and compassion keeps me from completely losing it. He’s strong on the outside, sure, but it’s his internal strength that he’s providing that seals the deal for me. I may not have my father, but I have Blake.
Natalia and I both have the man we love.