Chapter Twenty-Four – Confessions
Blake
I’ve lost track of how many shitty cups of coffee I’ve consumed in the last handful of hours. Hell, I’d lost track of what hour it really was until the sun started to peek through the windows, allowing the first light of Thursday to shine through.
My phone chimed around five o’clock, just as I as was stepping into the Deputy Director’s office to start the debriefing process. I glanced at it quickly, but took the time to read the message when I saw it was from Carly.
Carly: Miss you too. I wish you were here.
If she only knew how damn bad I want to be with her, too. I didn’t even have time to reply as Luke signaled for me to enter the office.
When I was led into the back of one of the prisoner vans at the facility, it took everything I had to keep my cover intact. Rage churned in my gut like a wildfire knowing that Styx had gotten away. I didn’t trust that guy when we worked together, and I damn sure didn’t trust him now. The fact that I was still undercover had me at wits’ end. I’d had enough of Blake Crisp. I was ready to have my life back. But, this was one of the final steps before I could eradicate Blake Crisp from my existence.
So, I sat in the back of that van with my head down while we were driven towards city jail. When the vans arrived, we were all lead to different rooms where everyone else was searched, processed, and eventually booked. I was lead to a small office where I sat until my brother came to rescue me. When it was time, I walked out that door and straight into the back of a waiting SUV.
Now, Luke and I wait in the large conference room to finish up the paperwork. “Any word yet?” I ask for the tenth time since we arrived at the agency building.
“You know you’ll be the first person to know when the call comes in,” he reiterates with a hard look. Yeah, I know I’ve been asking him the same thing for hours, but the fact still remains that Styx is on the lam, and it leaves an uneasy feeling in the pit of my empty stomach.
“I know. It just pisses me off that he slipped through our fingers,” I tell my brother as I sign the last document before me.
“Me too, Blake. They’re searching for him. The APB is statewide. He’s going to show up somewhere, and when he does, we’ll get him,” he says. I don’t give a response. There’s nothing more I can say. Police everywhere are on the lookout for Styx combing through every relative, friend, and alias he has. They’ll get him. Hopefully.
After my paperwork is done, the next step is to sit down for the formal interviews. That’ll wait until tomorrow though. The Deputy Director agreed to conduct the interviews on Friday so that I had a day to catch up on my sleep. Yet, sleep is the farthest thing from my mind right now. Right now, I want to hold Carly in my arms for a few moments before her world comes crashing down around her.
And I’ll be the one holding the sledgehammer.
“You ready to head home?” Luke asks from across the table.
“I’m not going home.”
“You need sleep, Blake. You’ve been up all night.”
“So have you,” I defend.
“Yeah, but I slept before coming in last night.”
“I need to see Roman,” I tell Luke as I slide the mountain of papers across the table.
“You can’t. Why don’t you go home and catch some sleep.” Luke meets me at the closed door.
“No. It’s not about the case, Luke,” I tell him firmly. Luke stares at me for several heartbeats before nodding. We’ve always been able to carry conversations with our eyes. Maybe it’s because we grew up so close and we’ve always known exactly what the other was thinking. Whatever it is, Luke also knows I’m not going to let it slide without making the stop.
I follow him straight through the glass security doors and towards the SUV. It’s early–damn early–but I need to do this. It doesn’t take us long before we’re back at the jail. After using my real identification for the first time in two years, Luke and I are ushered through multiple security checkpoints. I’m told that eyes will be watching before I’m finally sent to a small interrogation room. When I step inside, Roman is already sitting at the table looking a bit tired and like he aged ten years overnight. To say that he’s shocked to see me walk in, sans handcuffs, is an understatement.
We both stare at each other for several minutes, neither wanting to be the first to speak. Finally, Roman breaks the silence. “You?” he asks, his dark brown eyes–the same eyes I stare into almost daily at home–bore into me with intensity.
“Me,” I confirm as I slide into the chair across from him.
“I did not see this one coming,” he says, keeping his dark eyes on me. I wait several heartbeats before I speak again.
“I’m not here about that, Roman,” I tell him.
“So, if not that, then what?” he asks as he rests his cuffed hands on top of the table between us.
“Carly.”
“Carlina? What about her? Is she okay?” he asks, slight panic marring his features.
“She’s fine,” I confirm. “I need to tell you something. I met Carly once before; back before I started working for you. She and I spent a night together,” I add. The look on his face tells me exactly what he’s thinking. No father wants to hear anything about his daughter’s sex life. Images of having this conversation about Natalia in the future practically make me see red.
“You know my Carlina like that,” he says, looking for confirmation to his underlying question.
“Yes,” I confirm. “I walked away, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t see her again until I showed up at your house and she was there. I met her two years ago, Roman.” I sit there, waiting for the words–their meaning–to sink in. It takes only a few minutes before the realization sets in.
“Natalia?” he whispers.
“Mine.” The man stares at me for several minutes before I continue. “I’m not here because of the job. I’m here because of Carly and Natalia.”
“You love them.” Again, it’s a statement, not a question.
“With everything I have.”
“Well, this does make things a little more interesting, does it not? Does she know?”
“About my real job? No.”
“How do you think she’s going to take this news?” he asks, those manicured eyebrows already sky high, a slight smirk on his face.
“Probably not very well. As a criminal sitting in front of me, I owe you nothing. But as her father, I owe you the courtesy of telling you that I will protect her and make sure she and Natalia are okay.”
Roman stares at me for several more minutes as if sizing me up and gauging my sincerity. “You love her, no?” he asks again.
No hesitation. “Yes. Both of them.”
“Then as a father, I couldn’t be happier and ask for more for mi hija. As a criminal sitting in front of you, I respect the job you’ve done, though I wish it wouldn’t have turned out like this. Can I ask a favor?” I nod my head after a pregnant pause. “Can I see her?”
“I don’t think that’s for the best right now.”
“Please, Blake,” he says. And then smiles before adding, “If that really is your name.”
“It is. I’ll leave the option up to her,” I tell the older man before standing up.
“Take care of mi hija. I trust you to love her and protect her,” he tells me from his position on the chair.
“I will.” With that, I turn and walk out of the room.
“I have to see her,” I tell Luke who is waiting in the hallway.
“And what are you going to say?” he asks.
“The truth,” I say while rubbing the back of my achy neck. “I just wish I knew where to start.” How do you tell the woman you love that you were responsible for the arrest and resulting impending incarceration of her father? Or that you’ve been lying about your identity since day one? Yeah, this is going to be buckets of fun.
“Come on, Romeo. The Tahoe’s out front, and I’ll run you home. You can shower first and then head over to her place,” he says, slapping my back as we head towards the door. “Don’t argue with me. You stink, man, and you definitely don’t want to go over there to plead your case right now reeking like ass.”
Leave it to Luke to finally make me laugh after almost twenty-four hours of hell. Because that’s where I’ve been since I left Carly’s place yesterday morning. I follow him down the long hallway and out to the waiting Tahoe. He tries to make small talk the entire trip to my shitty apartment, but I’m just not with him. My mind is elsewhere; playing out all the different ways I should approach Carly. As I slip into the dingy apartment, take the world’s fastest shower, and dress in clean clothes, I’m still not one ounce closer to having the answers that I need.
I guess I’m just going to have to wing it.
* * *
I show up at her apartment just before seven-thirty in Luke’s Tahoe that he left behind for me, since mine is still at the facility. That means Georgia will be here any moment to spend the day with Natalia. I don’t want to do this now, but it can’t wait. I can’t let her go through the entire workday without knowing that her father is locked up.
I use the key she gave me a little over a week ago and let myself in the front door. With lead legs, I make my way inside the elevator and ascend to the top floor. When I reach her door, I opt to knock instead of using my key. It gives me a few extra moments to compose myself before I face the firing squad.
When Carly opens the door, relief washes through me. Not only am I running on fumes, but add in the stress of Styx going AWOL before he could be arrested. The smile she gives me sends my blood pumping southward. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Always has been, always will be.
“What are you doing here? You should be at work,” she comments while backing up to allow me to pass.
“I needed to see you,” I say as I pull her into my arms, kicking the door closed behind me. I inhale her unique scent, letting wildflowers fill my nostrils and my entire being. It’s like I’m trying to commit her scent to memory once again. She sniffs my shirt as if doing the same thing, and for once, I’m glad I listened to Luke and showered.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, pulling back and turning her concerned brown eyes on me.
“Babe, I don’t even know where to begin,” I tell her. I long to kiss her lips, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid she’ll push me away. I’m afraid that once I kiss her, I won’t be able to stop. I’m afraid that if I kiss her right now, it will be for the last time. Because I have no clue how she’s going to react to what I’m about to tell her.
And that’s my biggest fear of all: the unknown.
I decide to risk it. If this moment is the last time I ever kiss Carly’s lips, I’m not missing the opportunity. If right now is our last kiss, I want to be able to hang on to it for the rest of my life. Because if Carly throws me out on my ass, this kiss is the only thing I’ll have left besides our daughter. And even then, how do I know I’ll still have her?
My lips are tentative at first, tasting and savoring the way she tastes, the way she feels. Without any urging, Carly opens her mouth, granting my tongue entrance. She tastes sweet with a hint of coffee and mint. I will never get tired of the way she tastes and feels against me. I pray to God that she doesn’t pull away. Not now. Not ever. My hands dive into her hair, holding her hostage so she can’t move. Carly’s hands snake up my back, gripping the back of my t-shirt.
After several minutes of standing in her kitchen kissing, I allow her to pull back. We’re both breathless as she opens her eyes and gazes at me. The intensity in those brown eyes is shining as brightly as the emotions in my own. “That was a pretty good hello,” she says with a smile. I don’t reply, just offer her a small smile.
“Da da!” The sound of my daughter behind me practically brings me to my knees. The fear of the unknown, the drama of the past twenty-four hours, the panic of the truth about to be told, it all just fades away with that one sound. I turn around and grab ahold of the child toddling towards me. My daughter.
Holding her in my arms, she runs wet hands down my cheek. I squeeze her tightly until she’s giggling from within my arms. My lips place big, loud kisses on her face. “Hi, Princess. Daddy is so happy to see you,” I tell her, still holding her securely within my arms.
Just then, the doorknob rattles. Finding it unlocked, Georgia throws open the door and gives us a pleasant smile. What I’m about to tell Carly is going to affect her mother, too. Technically, they’re still married, even if she was presumed dead. She has clearly never gotten past her husband, and for the long two years I’ve known Roman, I don’t think he’s let go of her either. I’ve never seen him with a woman, never even seen him glance in that direction.
“What a pleasant surprise,” Georgia says. “You’re never still here in the morning when I arrive, Blake.”
“Actually, I have something I need to discuss with Carly. I’m hoping I can whisk her away to the back for a few moments.” Carly gives me a sheepish look, but when my serious eyes connect with hers, I see her amusement fall away. She can tell something is up.
“Mom, can you hang out here with Nat?” Carly asks her mother.
“Absolutely,” she says, all earlier hint of amusement gone. Now, tension fills the room like oxygen. Everyone is clearly aware that something is not right.
Carly follows me back to her bedroom. When the door clicks closed behind her, I finally turn to face her. The look in her eyes is one of fear. Not fearful of me, but of what is to come. “What is it?” she whispers.
“I…I have to tell you something. It’s going to be very hard to hear and may make you a little upset,” I start as I take her hands and guide her towards the edge of the bed. Kneeling in front of her, I continue, “I need you to know something first. You and Natalia, you are the best things to come from this mess, okay? Please tell me you understand that.”
Carly’s slow head nod confirming it, is the only answer I get. “Okay. Your father has been arrested, Carly.” Her beautiful brown eyes open wildly as her mouth falls open.
“What?” she whispers.
“He was arrested very early this morning along with about a half dozen other men, including your uncle Mattias.”
“What for?” she mumbles, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Grand larceny and grand theft auto for starters. There will be more charges pending, but those are the big ones right now.”
“How do you know this?” she asks, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“Because I was there, Carly. I was there because it was my job.”
“You work for my dad, this I know. Why do you make it sound like there’s more to it?”
“There is a lot more to it. The night we met two years ago, I told you I was getting ready to start a new job. What I couldn’t tell you is that it was an undercover assignment. I was infiltrating a known criminal auto theft ring. Your father’s business.”
“Wait,” she says, her breathing becoming shallow and fast. “You’re telling me that you were undercover? You worked for Roman as an undercover cop?”
“Yes. I am an FBI agent and my assignment was to get the goods on your father’s entire operation and help take them down.”
“Take them down,” she mumbles, closing her eyes as tears leak out.
“I didn’t know the connection between you and him then. In fact, I didn’t know it until that day I saw you in his office.”
“That’s why you’re always asking me questions about him. Why you never tell me anything of your past.”
“I couldn’t tell you, Carly. It would have risked everything. The operation. You and Natalia. Me. If I would have told you who I really was, it could have all potentially have blown up in my face.”
“You did risk everything, Blake. You risked everything by not coming clean. You risked everything we have and could have. You risked it all…and you lost,” she tells me, her eyes finally opening again. They’re distant and full of uncertainty. The tears streaming down her face gut me right where I am. I’m practically bleeding a slow death right here in her bedroom.
“Don’t say that, Carly.”
“You lied to me, Blake. About everything.”
“Not about everything. I never lied to you about the way I feel about you. That’s the only thing that’s important,” I plead.
“Are you kidding me? How can I even trust you right now? You’ve told me all along that I could trust you, and then lied about everything.”
“No. I love you, Carly. Do you hear me? I fucking love you,” I plead, begging for her to listen, to hear the words I’m saying.
Her laugh is distant, cold. “Funny that you say that now. After everything you just told me, you now decide to profess your love. Well, do you know what, Blake? Love doesn’t work like that. You can’t just say it when you’re out of options.”
“I’m not saying it as a last resort. I’m saying it because it’s true.”
“Says the liar.”
I stare at her for several moments. My heart is beating wildly in my chest as panic starts to set in. I knew it was completely possible that she’d react this way, but I had hoped she would see the big picture, that she would understand why I left out such a big part of my life. I couldn’t tell her.
“I need to see my father,” she says bluntly, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“He asked for you,” I tell her, my eyes searching her face.
“Take me to wherever you’re holding him,” she says accusingly, standing up and grabbing a pair of jeans. As if on autopilot, Carly removes her dress and throws on jeans and a t-shirt. Once her feet don tennis shoes, she heads towards the bedroom door. “Blake, I can only deal with one thing at a time right now. I need to see my father and I need you to take me there. This in no way means that you are off the hook or that I’m over the fact that you’ve been lying to me for the better part of a month. I can’t even deal with the fact right now that you’ve been using me to get closer to my father.” Her words rip my heart out.
“No,” I reply with so much force, she startles. “Never have I used you, Carly.” I want to tell her that I hadn’t used her for information, but I guess in a way, I did. At least that’s how it might have started out.
I grab her by the arms and turn her to face me. I’m not holding her tight enough to hurt her, but just enough so that she can’t pull away. “You were always the best part of this operation. You and our daughter are the only things that kept me going when I wanted to give up and walk away. He was never the reason I wanted to be with you,” I tell her, all but getting down on my knees and begging.
“And I don’t believe you,” she whispers, more tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “I need to say something to my mom. You can wait by the front door,” she tells me, pulling back. I don’t want to hurt her or cause her more pain, so I let go. That one action feels like it signifies so much more than her leaving the room. It’s like she’s pulling away forever and I’ve let her go. I’ve lost her.
I follow her out of the room while she grabs her mom. They scurry down the hallway, and even though I can’t hear the words they’re saying, I can hear their collective cries. Natalia is sitting in her highchair eating a pancake and peaches. I sit next to her and let her shovel her soggy food into my mouth. Fear grips me so tightly by the balls that I almost choke on it. I try not to let my mind wander, but I can’t help but feel like this is the last time I’ll be sitting here with her inside of this apartment. The finality in the moment cuts deeper than I could have ever imagined.
A few minutes later, Carly returns and grabs her jacket. The look on Georgia’s face is one of pure devastation. I want to avoid the look she’s giving me, but I can’t. This is the bed that I made, and it’s time to lie in it. Sadness fills her eyes along with the tears. Sadness for Roman, but maybe even sadness for me. Because she knows. She knows what this has cost me. Her daughter. The woman I love.
Carly remains silent the entire ride to the jail where her father is being kept. She sits as close to the door as humanly possible, as if she can’t get far enough away from me. When we pull into the parking lot, she’s out the passenger door before I even get the ignition shut off. I have to jog to catch up with her before she can make it in through the front security doors. She falls back only briefly as she allows me to get us through security. Once on the other side, I place my hand on her lower back to guide her towards the interrogation room that Roman is waiting in. She doesn’t pull away, but the distance is evident.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” I ask, halting her progress.
“No. I need to do this alone,” she tells me with decisiveness. I search her face for any sign of weakness, anything that shows me she can’t handle what she’s about to face, but I only find the strong, beautiful woman that I love. So, as much as it pains me, I nod and open the door for her. I scan the room quickly to make sure they’re left alone before turning and walking back out.
Now I wait. I wait for Carly and Roman to finish their talk. I wait to find out if the woman I love is going to walk away at the end of the day. I wait to find out if my job is the only thing keeping me warm tonight. My legs feel weak as the weight of my emotions and the exhaustion set in. I slide down the white brick wall until my ass is planted firmly on the hard tile floor. Dropping my head onto my knees, I let my fatigue get the best of me.