Chapter Twenty-One
“FIVE MINUTES.” CHARLIE patted Jessica on the back and lowered his voice. “It’s nice to have you back.”
“It’s nice to be back.” It was Monday evening, and they were already playing the second concert of the week. Although Jessica was prepared, her stomach was queasy and her hands were shaky. Not sleeping and eating very little was not a good combination for such a rigorous schedule as the one she’d had to keep lately, but apparently this was what being heartbroken did to a person. She had no experience with this sort of thing, and she wasn’t enjoying it one bit. Going from hopeful to hopeless, then finding an inkling of hope to cling to again—even if made up in her own head. He’ll call. He’ll hear my voice on his voicemail and miss me just as much as I miss him. She had no idea how women went through this roller coaster of emotions over and over, some starting as young as high school.
Charlie leaned in closer. “I was going to wait to tell you, but it’s too exciting to keep to myself. You’re going to be invited into the Chamber Players. The formal invitation is forthcoming.” He squeezed her arm and smiled, then put a finger up to his lips.
Jessica couldn’t have responded if she’d wanted to. She was stunned silent.
An invitation to play with the Boston Symphony Chamber Players would be the pinnacle of her career, what her mother had always hoped she’d achieve. The icing on her already perfect career cake, and still, her heart ached.
“I…” She couldn’t figure out how to express what she was feeling. She knew she should feel overwhelming joy and pride, but she felt numb. Any happiness she was supposed to feel was buried deep inside her grief over losing Jamie.
“Exciting. I know. We’ll talk.” Charlie hurried off to talk with another musician.
The Chamber Players.
How was she supposed to concentrate now? This was the chance of a lifetime, and she was too heartbroken to enjoy it.
“Put your phone away,” Greg, another musician, said sharply.
She hadn’t realized she had it clenched in her fist. She checked for a return message from Jamie one last time and realized that for a woman who hated cell phones, she’d become awfully adept at texting and checking messages in the last two weeks. She had two text messages. One from Jenna and one from Bella, both telling her they missed her and she should come back to the Cape. Even with the happiness over their friendships, her stomach still took a nose dive when she realized that Jamie hadn’t returned her way-too-desperate message.
It’s really over.
She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat as she shut the phone off and tucked it into her purse. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. She closed her eyes for a beat and conjured up her mother’s stern voice. No pouting. No whimpering. No frowns. Up, up, up with your chin. Jessica lifted her chin, doing her best to swallow the ache seeping from her heart and filling her chest, tightening her throat, and making her heart race. With another deep inhalation, she recalled her mother’s voice again. Shoulders squared. Eyes forward, serious and happy, happy, happy. Remember, when you’re on that stage, there’s no place else you’d rather be.
Shoulders back, chin up, she followed the group to the stage.
There’s no place else I’d rather be. There’s no place else I’d rather be.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
AMELIA WALKED ACROSS the conference room where Jamie was meeting with the directors and managers of several divisions, strategizing new ways to track down the drone in their system. The large conference room looked like a war zone, with empty coffee cups scattered around the table, whiteboards filled with strategies for deciphering where the drone in the code might be, and documents and files spread across the large mahogany table. There were twenty-seven managers and directors around the table, each looking worn-out and frustrated, but because of their dedication to OneClick, and in turn, Jamie, they were still there, hours past closing time.
The group continued discussing the issue while Amelia handed Jamie an envelope and whispered, “Sage’s contact had this delivered. It’s for tonight at eight. It was the best he could do.”
Jamie glanced at his watch. Seven thirty. “Thank you.”
“I had Marcia bring your tux. It’s in your office, and she said to tell you not to spill anything on it this time.” Amelia smiled at that. Marcia was Jamie’s housekeeper. In addition to cleaning, she ran various errands for him, and after six years as his employee, she knew him well.
“Please thank her for me. I’ll never make it in time, but maybe I’ll catch the tail end.”
“I’ll tell her.”
Jamie turned his attention back to his division managers and programmers. They’d spent hour upon hour trying to track down the bug, and still, no one had any clue where to look. There were too many levels of code, too many paths to follow. Jamie was stymied as badly as his staff was, and it made the situation that much more untenable. Jamie was a master troubleshooter, and when it came to coding, whatever his highly effective, experienced staff couldn’t handle—which was almost nil—he always could. But after days of going through enough code to scramble his brain, he was still at a loss.
Jamie listened to his top-level managers tossing ideas back and forth and realized that there was only one way to ensure nothing had been missed. It was late, and no one wanted to be there, least of all him, but he had to try to get to the bottom of this.
He addressed the group. “Obviously we’re missing something, somewhere, and the only way I can see to do this is to start at the top again. We’ll work our way through each level with a fine-tooth comb and find this drone.”
A collective groan rose from the group.
“Jamie, we’ve gone over this, starting from scratch, for over a week. Do you really think starting from square one is going to help? Maybe we need to start someplace else.” Rick Masters was the director of programming at OneClick. He had a wife and three young children waiting at home, including a newborn baby. He looked like he’d been up all night, and Jamie hated to keep him even later, but he had no choice.
“Do you have a specific suggestion of where to start?” Jamie asked. “I’m all ears, Rick, but if we don’t find this, you know the consequences.”
Computer glitches happened. Users knew that and to a large degree generally overlooked those things, but when an issue lingered, it tended to magnify in the eyes of the public, and the glitch had already hit the media. Not to mention that children and military hardware did not mix. It was only a matter of time until they began losing credibility and users at an insurmountable rate, not to mention sponsors.
“I don’t know. I just can’t imagine that we missed something at the top level,” Rick said.
“I hear ya, Rick. And believe me, I have more faith in the people in this room than I have in the Oval Office, which is why I think we start at the very beginning.” Jamie held his gaze. Time to hit home. “If your son were being bombarded by ads for guns and ammo, would you want us to start at square one, or would you want us to sit and knock our heads against the same wall for another few hours?”
Rick sighed loudly. “Point taken.”
“Okay, let’s start at the top. We’ve got kids searching for dragons, toys, games, movies, and videos, and they’re resulting in ads for military hardware. What do they all have in common?”
Two hours later, they were still knocking heads. Selfishly, Jamie ended the meeting, and they agreed to regroup in the morning.
Traffic was thick for a Monday night, and as he watched the minutes tick by, his nerves started to get the better of him. He glanced at the sealed manila folder Mark had given him. Maybe he was being stupid, following his heart instead of his head. Mark had never led him astray before. Why would he now? What did he have to gain? Jamie was too nervous to think it through. He debated opening the envelope. It would be the most efficient way to know the truth, but Jessica wasn’t a job. Jessica wasn’t an employee. She was the woman he’d fallen hopelessly in love with. The woman he thought about night and day, and ached to see, to touch, to love.
He reached Symphony Hall at ten minutes after ten and punched the cracked dashboard as he drove into the lot. He’d missed the concert. Was this what Vera had been trying to tell him? That he just needed to see for himself that he and Jessica were not meant to be together?
He floored it to the rear entrance where the musicians came and went, still refusing to believe she’d lied.
The devil on his shoulder whispered, You’re a fool. You saw the musicians’ roster on the BSO website. She wasn’t on it.
He cut the engine, feeling as though he was living on deep breaths lately. The devil tried to be heard again, and this time Jamie made a deal with him. He was good at deals. If she doesn’t walk out that door, I’ll walk away and never look back.
With his heart hammering against his chest, he stepped from the car and into the dark night. He was parked over to the side, beyond the bubble of lights illuminating the lot. He didn’t need strangers thinking he was some poor sap stalking one of the musicians.
The thought made him feel even more stupid. What was he doing standing in a dark parking lot waiting for a woman who probably didn’t even exist? She wasn’t on the list. Jessica Ayers could have been a made-up name, for all he knew. She could be anyone, anywhere.
And still, he had to see for himself.
He paced in the dark, every second sucking more air from his lungs. Finally, an interminable number of minutes later, the doors opened, and musicians carrying large black instrument cases walked out. Jamie’s heart slammed against his chest as he watched them file out, say their goodbyes to one another, then turn and get into their cars. He waited as the parking lot emptied, his hopes deflating further with each passing car.
When the last car left, the remaining air left his lungs in a rush. He couldn’t believe it. He’d felt her honesty. Felt it!
He was a fool.
An idiot.
Thank goodness for Mark. He’d never doubt him again.
He went back to the car and grabbed his phone to call him. The message light was blinking. He’d forgotten to turn the volume on after the meeting. Probably Mark wanting to know if he’d opened the stupid envelope. He pressed the voicemail icon and listened to the messages.
The first one was from Mark. Listen. I know you’re pissed, but after you read the docs, call me. I apologized to Amelia, and…sorry, man. The whole thing’s a pisser.
He lowered the phone for a beat.
Then he lifted it to his ear again as the next message played.
Hi. His pulse quickened at the sound of Jessica’s voice. I miss you, and I’m sorry. She sounded so sad, so sweet. He reached for the car as his throat thickened. Oh, Jamie. I miss you so darn much.
He turned at the sound of the heavy metal door opening, and beneath the haze of the bulb above the door, he made out two dark forms. A large man and a lithe woman appeared. The man was carrying a large instrument case. The woman carried nothing other than a purse over her shoulder, her arms crossed, shoulders rounded forward as they walked toward the front of the building.
Numb with anticipation, he pressed Jessica’s speed-dial number into the phone. He had to talk to her, regardless of his deal with the devil, or what the papers said, or the Internet, or anything else in the entire universe. He had to speak directly to her and hear her tell him that she’d lied.
The phone rang once.
Twice. Pick up. Pick up.
He turned at the sound of a man’s voice behind him as the phone rang a third time.
JESSICA DUG HER phone from her purse and stumbled at the sight of Jamie’s name on her screen.
“Millicent, are you okay?” Charlie caught her by the arm. “Careful in those heels.”
It took her a second to remember to respond to her given name. “Mm-hm. I um…I have to answer this. Thank you for carrying my cello.” She took it from his hands.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to wait? Call you a cab?”
They had planned on sharing a cab, but Jessica could barely think. It probably wasn’t a good idea to be in a cab with her manager when she fell apart. She’d need time to recover from whatever Jamie had to say—good or bad.
“No, thank you. I’ll get one. Thanks again.” She waved as if everything was fine and turned back toward the rear of the building for privacy. The interaction took three seconds, but in those three seconds her legs had gone weak, and she felt like she was riding a roller coaster to an impossible height. Reaching for that shred of hope she allowed herself to dream of a hundred times over the last few days, she made it five steps before needing to lean against the railing next to the building as she answered the call.
“Jamie.” She sounded as breathless as she felt.
“Jessie.”
She heard the smile in his voice, the tenderness that she remembered, and it stole the rest of her strength. She crumpled to her knees, right there beside the building. The cello case banged against the pavement. She was riding that coaster down. Down, down, down from that impossibly high peak.
“Yes,” she whispered as tears streaked her cheeks.
“Jessie. I’m sorry. Please, don’t say a word and—”
“Jamie.” She swiped at the salty tears sliding between her lips. “I’m sorry I—”
“No, please, Jess. Listen to me.” His words tumbled urgently from his lips.
Jessica tried hard to concentrate through her anticipation.
“Jess, I don’t care that you lied to me. I don’t care who you work for or what you do. I just want to be with you. I don’t care if you’ve slept with a hundred guys, or…Jessie. I love you, and I’m sorry. Please give me another chance.”
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
“You…you think I lied to you?” Her entire body shook and shivered on the hard pavement. She covered her eyes with her hand. “Jamie?”
“I don’t care. That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Jess. I love you. I made a mistake. I…I…”
She heard his tethered emotions and knew he was holding back how much he wanted to see her. He sounded just as he had the night on the beach, when he’d wanted to make love to her, and the same way he sounded after they kissed that very first time in the quad, when the bonfire had burned down to embers and the fire between them had come to life.
“I need to see you. Please,” he pleaded. “Tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.”
You think I lied to you? She couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud again. She didn’t want him to hang up. Couldn’t fathom another night apart. “I’m…” Her voice hitched.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I’ll spend my life making this up to you. Please, tell me where you are, Jessie. I can’t go another day, another hour without seeing you.”
“I’m at the Hall. Next to.” Her breath hitched. “The Hall.”
“Hall?” He sounded confused.
“Symphony Hall, where we play.” She didn’t recognize her own voice, could barely hear it.
“Where? Where are you next to it?” His voice grew louder, and she could tell he was walking—or running.
She grabbed hold of the railing and pulled herself up to her feet, clinging to the metal bar for dear life and looking out at the main road. Thankfully, Charlie was gone. He hadn’t seen her fall to pieces.
“Boston Symphony Hall. Are you in Boston?”
Silence.
Oh no. No!
“Jamie? Jamie?” Her lower lip trembled, followed by fresh tears as her voice escalated. “Jamie, oh no, Jamie, please be there. Oh, please, please, please.”
“Jessie.”
She spun around and her arm fell to her side. The phone landed on the pavement with a high-pitched crash. Goose bumps chased her rapid heartbeat as she drank him in. In that instant, she knew she must be dreaming. He was too close, and closing the gap between them fast. She was powerless to move a muscle. His strong arms circled her, his big hands pressed against her back, and his heart—his generous, loving, tender heart—beat at the same frantic pace as hers.
“Jessie. Forgive me, please.”
“Okay,” was all she could manage. She was too confused to think straight. He smelled so good, so familiar. Her throat swelled with emotion, threatening to silence her. She had to figure out what was going on. “What…What did I lie about?”
“I don’t know. I don’t care.” He took her face in his hands, and she saw a flash of the mood ring, still on his finger.
“You kept it.” She breathed heavily. “You…You’re wearing it.”
He smiled—oh, how she’d missed that smile—and she felt it all the way to her toes.
“You’re here.” She grabbed the lapels of his tuxedo and held on tight, with no plans of ever letting go. “And you’re beautiful.”
“No, Jessie. You’re beautiful.”
“Kiss me, Jamie. Please, don’t make me wait another seco—”
He sealed his lips over hers. His mouth was warm as their tongues met and found their familiar rhythm, as if they’d never been apart. His low moan told her he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him, and when he deepened the kiss, to a hungrier, rougher kiss, she pulled herself tighter against his hard body. His hands moved over her hips, up her back, one hand tangled in her hair, the other gripping her lower. She was his. So very his.
“I’ve missed you,” he said against her lips and tugged her hair back a little, opening her mouth so he could take his fill.
She wrapped her arms around his neck as he slid his lips to her jaw and nipped, then dragged his tongue slowly over the tender spot, drawing a moan from deep inside her. His forehead touched her, and he looked deeply into her eyes. She nearly crashed to the ground again at the well of emotion that lay there. For her. For them.
“Come home with me, and I promise we’ll talk, but I need you with me, Jessie. I don’t want to let you go again.”
She nodded, still shaken to be near him again. He picked up her cello and phone, and wrapped a powerful arm around her waist, pulling her against him so hard that he was practically walking for her.
In the car, she needed to get the rest out of the way before they fell into each other’s arms again, because once they did, it might be a very long time before she remembered how to speak. But no words came.
He drove with one hand holding hers, the other on the steering wheel, bringing back memories of when they’d left Marconi Beach and pulled over on the dark side street. A rush of heat shot through her with the intimate memory.
“When you didn’t call back, I thought I’d lost you for good.” His voice was rough with desire, his eyes were dark and sensual, and as hopeful as she felt.
“I was a distraction and didn’t want to make it worse.” She glimpsed his reflection in the window. With the starched white collar against his tanned skin and his five-o’clock shadow, he was more handsome than any movie star, but it was his voice that shot to her heart. The love and desire, the hope and apology, all wrapped up in one, made her pulse quicken and her heart feel full.
“No. You were never a distraction. I love you, Jessie. I was stupid not to come right back to your apartment that night.”
She lowered her eyes, catching a glimpse of the stone on the mood ring. Pink and violet. She’d never seen one turn both of those colors at once. Amorous. Heat. Sensual. Happy. Curious. She’d memorized all of the meanings in the days they’d been apart.
Jamie pulled down a residential street. The houses sat far back from the road, each different from the next, and, she realized as they drove slowly past them, these were no houses. They were mansions. Sprawling homes with several wings and stories, set on several acres of perfectly manicured lawn. Vera’s cottage at the Cape was modest, small even. She hadn’t pictured Jamie in anything as lavish as a mansion. She glanced at him again, in his perfectly pressed tux, driving the expensive vehicle that she had somehow overlooked. How did I miss this? She must have been so taken with him that everything else fell away. Another trick of love, she assumed.
Jamie turned off the residential road onto a dark, tree-lined street. With the umbrella of trees blocking the moonlight, the road was pitch-dark, save for the beams of the headlights.
“Is this your street?”
“This is my driveway. It’s a little long.”
They’d been driving on the same dark road for at least three minutes already. No wonder Mark was ridiculously protective of Jamie. Probably every single woman within a hundred miles who knew anything about the Internet was after him.
They rounded a bend and in-ground lights spilled onto the pavement. Aboveground lights illuminated the night like magical fountains, and just beyond the circular drive was a beautiful and unique stone cottage. A round stone tower with a conical roof anchored the home on one side, with various-sized peaked roofs over nooks and bay windows in the recessed center of the home, and a three-car garage rooted on the far side. The ornate variations in size and shape of stone, evident even from the driveway, gave the home a warm, aged appearance.
Jamie parked in the driveway, and before getting out of the car, he took Jessica’s hand and, for a minute, gazed into her eyes.
“Jess.” His voice was soft as his eyes rolled over her face, neck, and shoulders like a caress. “The way I see it, we have two options. I can carry you up to my bedroom and make love to you until neither of us can remember anything about the last few days, or we can go inside, open a bottle of wine, and clear the air before going any further.”
His voice was tender and patient, his words carefully chosen. He didn’t move to get out of the car or try to rush her to make a decision. He was just as patient with her as he’d always been, which made the decision even more difficult.
“What if…?” She closed her mouth tight, debating if the question was worth asking. Maybe she should choose making love. She wanted that connection. To be that much closer and lose herself in him the way she had days earlier. But somewhere deep inside her, even though she didn’t have experience with this type of thing, she knew that was a bad idea.
“What if we talk, and then something one of us says changes everything?” She didn’t want to believe it could happen, but after the last few days, she realized that she didn’t know squat about how quickly relationships could go awry.
He slid his hand beneath her hair and stroked the nape of her neck with his thumb. “Then maybe it’s better if we do clear the air first, so you have no regrets later. Jess, I love you, and I’m ready to commit regardless of what happens when we talk. Nothing you could say, short of telling me you’re a child-abusing heroin addict, will change that.”
She laughed at the quirky smile on his beautiful lips as he spoke.
“I would rather know that you’re just as committed to me—to our relationship—before making love to you, so maybe it’s better if we talk and then decide where we go next.”
A nod brought his arms around her in a warm embrace that her body took as an invitation to go soft against him. Talking was not going to be easy.
Jamie held her hand as he guided her through the wide hardwood foyer, over inlaid mosaic tiles in a spacious living room, past a fireplace and several sets of French doors.
“Your home is gorgeous.” There were so many textures, she wanted to reach out and touch them all, from what looked like reclaimed wooden planks on the wall, which jutted out at different angles and depths, to the rough stone surrounding the fireplace.
“Thank you. Let’s talk in here.” He held her hand as she stepped down two deep wooden stairs into a cozy nook furnished with upholstered antique armchairs in rich fall colors, a deep chocolate sofa, and dark wood bookshelves against two-story stone walls. Sconces were placed on either side of two arched windows, making the room even more inviting. But when Jamie turned her in his arms and touched his forehead to hers, she no longer wanted to talk, no matter how inviting the deep sofa and intimate setting was.
“In case you decide that you no longer want to be with me after we talk, I want you to know that I adore you. I know it happened fast, and we only know about a tenth of what we should about each other, but I have never missed anyone as much as I’ve missed you these last few days, and if anyone knows about missing people, it’s me.” He pressed his lips to her forehead.
“Let’s skip talking and just be close, Jamie. I missed you, too, and I want to be closer. As close as we can be.”
His lips curved up, but he shook his head. “On the way inside I realized that I don’t want to use our passion as a bandage to cover what happened these last few days. I want to make love to you with a clear conscience, and I want you to have the same peace of mind. You deserve to be cherished. I dropped the ball and doubted.”
Doubted?
“Come on, baby.” He led her to the luxurious sofa.
She watched him pour the wine at a bar in the corner of the room. He glanced up and smiled as he moved the bottle from one wineglass to the next, and when he came to her side, she couldn’t imagine how she’d gone the last few days without him. Jamie handed her a glass and slid in beside her, one arm draped over her shoulder.
“I don’t want any secrets between us, Jess. Our relationship can’t work if we’re constantly looking over our shoulders for skeletons to come out of the dark.”
“I know. I’ve never lied to you, which is why what you said earlier rattled me.”
Jamie dropped his eyes to his glass. “I know. I’m not proud of how I’ve acted. That night I went to meet Mark, I went a little crazy. I punched him and kind of lost my mind over what he’d said to you.”
Her eyes widened. She’d never known a man to hit someone else. Especially over her. “You punched him?”
Jamie nodded. “That night, he had me so confused that I didn’t know what to believe.”
“So, he made you doubt me?” Her stomach sank again.
“This is so hard to admit. I’m such an idiot. Yes, he said things that made me doubt you a little. I didn’t know what to believe, and then you were gone. Jessie, I’m sorry. I’m ashamed for all of it. I should have left his hotel room and gone straight back to you to talk it through, but I was confused, and…”
“And he’s your attorney and friend, who has always given you solid advice and looked out for you for all these years regardless of how much of a jerk he was to me, or Jenna, or probably half a dozen other women in your life.” She lowered her eyes to his hand. The stone on the ring was green. Worried.
“Yes. And I know he’s a total jerk. Truly, I hated how he treated you. I gave him a hard time for that, and I’ll fire him if it’ll bring you back to me.”
“Jamie, I’m confused. What did he make you doubt about me?”
“I promised to be honest with you, and I will.” He exhaled and brought his hand to her shoulder. “I just have to sit with you for a minute in case you decide this is it. I just want this moment to remember.”
She had no idea what could be that difficult to talk about. In her life, if there were issues with other musicians, she talked with them. With the few friends she had in the orchestra, she told them when things bothered her and they did the same, without hard feelings. They weren’t close friends, but how could this be so difficult? What had she done that would warrant such a reaction? She began to imagine that it wasn’t her he was worried about. Maybe he’d turned to another woman for comfort. Oh no, that made her a little queasy.
His brows drew together and his lips parted, and just as quickly they closed again.
“Jamie, you’re scaring me a little.”
“It wouldn’t be too far off to say that he had me doubting just about everything about you.”
“I don’t understand. Why would I ever be untruthful to you?”
“I don’t think you would be, but when he said all that he did to me, it made me wonder, and…I’m sure it was a website error,” he said with an uneasy smile. “Jess, there’s no Jessica Ayers on the musician list for the Boston Symphony Orchestra.”
“You looked for me?” Her heartbeat sped up.
“Yes.” His jaw clenched, and she could see he had something else to say.
“You think I lied about where I worked? Why? Why would I do that?”
“I never believed that you did. That’s why I was going tonight, to see for myself.”
“I don’t know if I should be mad that you think I lied or happy that you looked for me.” She traced condensation on the side of the wineglass with her finger.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I wish I could take it back, but we can’t fix the past; we can only learn from it and create a better future, which is what I hope to do with you.”
“Jamie, I…” I want that, too. But trust was everything in a relationship. Even with her lack of experience, she knew that much. “It wasn’t an error. Jessica Ayers isn’t on the symphony musician list. Jamie, I have never lied to you about a thing. I never even considered lying to you. When you like someone, you’re honest with them. It just goes hand in hand, doesn’t it?” She set her wineglass down on the end table beside the couch and rose to her feet.
Jamie watched her intently, his dark eyes narrow and serious, his thighs tense against his slacks. “Yes, of course. I haven’t lied to you either.”
“Then why would you doubt me?” Her stomach twisted again and she felt flustered.
“Because Mark is manipulative and…” He stood and paced, then stopped before her, looking impossibly handsome and worried.
Totally unfair. Wasn’t she confused enough?
“It’s not Mark’s fault. He didn’t do anything different than he’s always done. He pointed out the obvious. I’m not a fast-moving, carefree guy, Jess.” He paced again and ran his hand through his hair, which only made him sexier because she happened to love that particular mannerism of his.
Jessica tried to keep up with what he was saying, but she was getting distracted by her feelings. She sat back down on the couch and lowered her eyes to her lap.
“I was never a carefree guy, Jess. Never. Not as a kid, not as a teen, and definitely not as an adult—until I met you. You made me forget that I’m supposed to be chained to my work, that I lost my parents, that there’s more to life than working myself into the ground to forget the pain I’ve buried for so long but never really healed from.” His back was to her when he stopped pacing. His broad shoulders rolled forward; he turned slowly, his eyes catching the light from the wall sconce. They were suspiciously damp, shadowed with pain.
“Jamie.” It came out as a whisper. She went to him, circled his neck with her arms and ran her fingers through his thick hair. “My full name is Millicent Jessica Bail-Ayers. I use Millicent Bail professionally.”
His lips curved up and he squeezed her hand. “I wish you had told me that.”
“Didn’t I ever?” She tried to recall every second they’d been together, the things they’d talked about, but her recollections were tangled and fuzzy. Her body wanted to comfort him, hold him, kiss him, help him heal from the loss of his parents, which still plagued him. But her mind was spinning circles about what else he thought she’d lied about, confused about how these types of things could get so convoluted and hurt so badly.
He shook his head. “No. And that shouldn’t have mattered. I should have asked you. I should have dealt with it instead of thinking the worst.”
She took a step back to ground herself for whatever else was yet to come. “What else?”
She watched his Adam’s apple slide up, then down his throat. His hesitation brought her back down to the couch.
“Jamie?”
He knelt before her and placed his hands on the outsides of her thighs. “Jessie. I promised honesty. It would be easier to tell you there was nothing else, but there was. I didn’t know what to believe. Mark was throwing things at me, one after another, when I told him I loved you. Asking how long we had really known each other, where you lived, where you grew up. Jess, I didn’t know even the basic things about you, and it didn’t bother me at all. Then he reminded me about women I’ve dated who have pretended to be something that they weren’t. He’s a jerk, there’s no doubt, but he’s also been my friend. A good friend aside from the asinine things he’s said to women. He’s had my back and saved me from a lot of headaches.” He ran his hands up the outsides of her thighs and fisted them in the fabric by her hips. The strain in his voice mirrored that in his face and arms. “Jess, I’m not making excuses, for him or for me. I’m just doing a lousy job of explaining.”
“I’m still confused, Jamie. I’m sorry. What on earth did you think I lied about?”
“Jessie, I’ve been lied to by men and women.”
“Jamie. Just tell me.” She was breathing harder now.
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he met her gaze and held it. “I didn’t know what to believe about any of it. Where you lived, what you did for a living…how many men you’d slept with.”
JAMIE FELT HER body go rigid. No. No, no, no. He had to make her understand before he lost her forever.
“Jess, I…there was so much going on in my head, and things were so messed up. You were crying, I kicked a naked woman out of Mark’s room, clocked him and left him bleeding.”
Jamie never knew so many things could happen in the space of two breaths. Jessica’s eyes went from confused, to appalled, to angry, to distraught. Her face fell flat, her lips drew south, and he felt her slipping away. She leaned back and turned her head, her eyes cold and distant.
“Jessie, please. I knew you didn’t lie. In my heart I didn’t think you were playing me, but—”
“But the doubt was there.” Her voice was a thin thread. “You weren’t sure if you could believe me after I opened my heart to you. Opened my soul and my body, Jamie.” Her voice shook. “I know for other women it’s easy to open themselves up to men, to let them touch their most intimate parts and to reciprocate.” She turned toward him, looking battered and bruised from the inside out.
“Jessie, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“Please,” she whispered. Tears streamed down her cheeks, each one dragging his heart deeper into darkness. “What hurts the most is that it was easy to open up to you. To you, Jamie, because I trusted you.”
Trusted.
“Jess, you can trust me. It was a momentary doubt. I called you that night and wanted to talk about it, but you never called back. I looked for your address online, but there was no Jessica Ayers listed anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t listed with the BSO, so I didn’t think I’d find you there. Mark gave me an envelope with what I’m sure is everything anyone could ever want to know about you, and I never opened it. I have no intention of opening it, but you need to know it exists.” This time it was him drawing in a hampered breath. “And then…I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to see for myself. I called Kurt’s brother, and he arranged for me to get tickets for tonight’s concert. But the nightmare at my office ran late, and by the time I got there it was over.”
Her expression had gone blank.
“None of that matters. You trusted me, and I doubted your honesty.” He touched her fisted hands. He loved her hands. They were delicate yet strong, and so very loving when she touched him. It struck him that he might never feel her hands on him again, and it was all he could do to pry himself from her and rise to his feet, feeling defeated by his own stupidity.
“I understand, Jess, but I didn’t want to keep anything from you. I wanted you to know where my head was and why. I’ll drive you home.”
He extended his hand. When she placed her fingers in his, he felt his chest tighten again.
“Jamie?” she said softly.
“Yeah, babe?” He couldn’t look at her. It hurt too much to see the disappointment written all over her unhappy face.
“Would you mind if I stayed with you tonight?”
He tried not to hold on to the thread of hope that trailed behind her question, but it was so hard not to.
“Would I mind? Jess, you can stay with me for the rest of your nights.”
“I just…” She looked away, touched her lips with her hand. “I’m not ready to walk away.”
He exhaled a sigh of relief. “Tell me what you want, Jess.” He forced his voice to remain even, not too hopeful or smothering, as he sank onto the couch beside her.
“I don’t know, exactly.” She touched his leg. “The only thing I know for sure is that you were as honest with me as a person can be, and even if you didn’t trust me”—she sucked in another uneven breath—“I…My feelings for you are still here.” She covered her heart with her hand. “And I don’t know if I’m supposed to try to ignore them, which is really, really painful.” Tears slid down her cheeks again.
Jamie couldn’t help reaching over and wiping the tears he’d caused.
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, because I’ve never been down this road before, but I’m not sure I really care what I’m supposed to do. I can’t even think about walking out that door, Jamie. I walked away when I left the Cape, and I thought that was the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my life. But then, just when I was sure it was some big sign about us not being meant for each other, you showed up at the Hall.” She tightened her grip on his leg.
“You showed up, Jamie. Part of you trusted me, despite what you read online, or what Mark—who you do know and trust—told you.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and breathed deeply.
She’d spoken softly, easily, without anger or venom. Didn’t she always? Hadn’t she always spoken to him from the heart, without weighing the calculated gain or risk of what her words might cost her, like so many other women before her had done? Not for the first time, or even the tenth, Jamie wondered how he’d gotten so lucky to have been in the right place at the right time to meet Jessica. And how he could have been stupid enough to doubt her.
“Something in your heart still believed in me, Jamie. In us. And even though it feels a little like you’ve sliced my fingers off, I just want to be with you. I’m not sure what it means, or how I’ll feel tomorrow, or even in a few hours. But right now, I’m not ready to walk away from us.”