Chapter Eight
JAMIE REED WAS patient to a fault. He was kind, generous, and just about the best friend a person could have. He was as loyal as a puppy and as trustworthy as the law. Or at least he always had been, until that very second. He’d spent half the night working through company issues again, and the other half of the night convincing himself not to think about Jessica. His patience shattered about five thirty Sunday morning, when the crows started cawing and images of Jessica lying in her bed played in his mind like a pornographic rerun. Of course, in his fantasies she wore nothing but a silky little negligee and every word out of her mouth had to do with making love to her. By the time it hit six o’clock, he was ready to burst. Even a cold shower didn’t help.
He tossed a few bagels into a paper bag, threw in a jar of instant coffee, and headed for the door.
“Where are you rushing off to?” Vera asked from behind him.
“Going for a run.” He had never been a very good liar.
“With a paper bag, and dressed like that?”
Jamie closed his eyes, his back to his grandmother. “I have a breakfast date with Jessica.”
“Well, don’t you want to bring something a little nicer? Muffins, maybe?” He heard the smile in her voice. “I could make some for you.”
He heard her shuffling toward the kitchen in her slippers. Jamie turned, knowing she’d see right through him, the same way she’d known the first time he snuck out of the house to meet a girl when he was sixteen.
“Thanks, Gram, but I think she likes bagels.”
She crossed the cozy cottage in her pink housecoat, a smile on her thin lips and love in her eyes. Vera reached up and brushed his hair from above his eyes.
“You worked until very early this morning.”
“I kept you up? I’m sorry. I’ll try to be quieter.” He was trying his best not to sound anxious, but he wanted to see Jessica more than he wanted anything else in the world.
She took his hand and led him to the couch. “Sit with me a second before you rush out. I’ll only take a moment.”
He’d do anything for her, but at that moment, every second felt interminable. He sat beside her and tried not to seem too anxious. The paper bag crinkled in his grip.
Vera patted his hand. “I like her, Jamie. She’s just like your mother was.”
That sucked the wind from his sails. They rarely talked about his parents. There wasn’t a reason, that he could remember, or a time when they suddenly stopped talking about them, but they’d somehow faded into the background of their lives. It was strange how that happened. One day he was consumed with grief, and a year later, he had shaped and molded that grief into something he could shift to the side in order to continue living.
“She is? I don’t remember Mom very well. The images in my mind feel like they’re pieces of pictures you’ve shown me rather than real memories.”
“Your mother was in love with love, Jamie. She was so in love with your father that it seeped from her pores, and you? You were her very heart and soul.”
His throat thickened at her words.
“She used to watch you when you were sleeping, and she’d brush your hair from your forehead in that way that mothers do.”
“You do that to me.” His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Yes.” She nodded. “I do. And I did it to her when she was just a girl, too. It’s love, Jamie. There’s nothing more powerful than the draw of the heart.”
He dropped his eyes to keep her from seeing the emotion in them.
“There’s a glimmer in someone’s eyes when they’re in love. Your grandfather had it the first time he met me. I wanted to savor that look and put it in my pocket. You know that feeling when you want to remember something until the day you die?”
Vera had a way with words that cut to the chase. “I think I do now.”
“He looked at me like that every morning for the rest of his life. Oh, he had his moments. The ice-cream-before-dinner moments.” She laughed. “But when something is as right as rain, no umbrella in the world can keep you from getting drenched. Don’t expect it to be all flowers and prettiness. Real love isn’t like that. Love is painful and beautiful at the same time. Sometimes it grips your lungs so tight you’re sure you’ll die for lack of air, and then it drags you down and beats you until you wish you would die. And just as quickly, it fills your lungs with helium and you think you might float away. And eventually, when you’ve paid your dues and knocked down the walls that kept the sweet, soft middle of your heart safe for all these years, that’s when you settle into togetherness.”
“Why are you telling me this now, Gram?”
“Because you’re a careful man. You see women a few times, and then you bury your feelings in the computer. It’s time to break that cycle and let yourself love and be loved. This is your summer, sweetheart. I can feel it in my bones. I see that glimmer in your eyes, and that little honeybee up there with the beautiful smile and eyes that look at you like you’re a gift of the sweetest nectar she’s ever encountered? I have a feeling it’s her summer, too. Go. Be happy.”
Jamie hadn’t thought he needed his grandmother’s approval to allow himself to let his feelings come forth, but as he ascended the stairs to Jessica’s apartment, he realized that there was a piece of him that hadn’t wanted to spread himself too thin, for fear of not being there for Vera. How could she have known that when he hadn’t had a clue?
It wasn’t yet six thirty when he knocked on Jessica’s door, paper bag in hand, as transparent a ruse as Saran Wrap.
The door opened just a crack, and Jessica peered up at him. A smile spread across her lips and filled her eyes.
“Hi.”
Her voice had that sleepy, sexy, just waking up sound, and it made him want to gather her in his arms and become one with her while her body was still warm from the sheets. He couldn’t even begin to pretend otherwise.
“I…”
She opened the door and leaned her shoulder against it, her legs crossed at the ankle, her back slightly arched. Her hair was tousled, cascading over the silky, spaghetti-strap camisole that stopped just short of her belly button, exposing a path of skin that Jamie knew intimately. His mouth watered at the memory of how sweet and hot her skin was against his lips, how responsive her body was to him. His eyes slid lower, to the lace panties she had on, and he was a goner.
“I brought our third date. I mean, breakfast.”
Her dimples came with her smile as she pushed open the screen door and he closed the distance between them. She smelled like a springtime afternoon—only warmer. With the bag in one hand, he leaned down and kissed her. She circled his neck with her arms and he kicked the door shut behind him. Holy smokes, he lost all control around her. He should take her out for a three-course champagne breakfast. She deserved it, but as the bag slid from his hand and he caught the edge of it and set it on the floor, it was all he could do to remember to breathe. With one strong arm around her waist, he lifted her to him, and her legs naturally circled him as he deepened the kiss and backed her up against the closed door. She tangled her fingers in his hair and held on tight—damn, that amped up the heat—and she slicked her tongue along his lower lip, pulling a hungry moan from his lungs.
“Is this our third date?” Her eyes darkened, narrowed seductively.
“Oh, yes. Hungry?”
“Only for you.” She pressed her lips together and smiled that Cupid-like smile that shot straight to his heart and nearly killed him every time.
He settled his mouth over the pulse point on her neck, feeling the quickening beneath his tongue. She fisted her hand in his hair and held him to her. He kissed and sucked a path along her collarbone, up along her jaw, to her mouth once again. The urgent kiss was rough and greedy. He needed her more than he’d needed her five seconds earlier. He drew her camisole over her head and tossed it away.
“You’re so beautiful.”
“I need more, Jamie. Bedroom,” she said in a heated breath.
He carried her into the bedroom, but before lying her on the bed, he cupped the back of her neck and gazed into her eyes. “I want more than this with you, Jess. So much more. More than a day, more than a night. More than just sex.”
“I do, too. But, go slow, Jamie. I’ve only been with one other man.”
Oh, dear Lord. “One?” Guilt coiled deep in his belly. She deserved slow loving, and despite how badly he wanted her, he didn’t want to rush her.
She must have seen it in his eyes, because she reached up with both hands and touched his cheeks. She was smiling, and the depth of emotion in her eyes brought his forehead to hers.
“I want this with you. This is exactly what I dreamed it would be like with you.” She touched her lips to his. “Love me, Jamie. All of me.”
JAMIE HAD THOUGHT about making love to Jessica since the first time their eyes met, and now, afterward, there was a peace that overtook him, a desire to be closer than he’d ever felt with another woman. He usually rolled off and his mind moved on to other things. With Jessica, he didn’t want to move away.
“Please don’t move. I’ve dreamed of being in your arms for days. Please don’t go.”
They were so in sync. “I’m not going anywhere, but I have to know, Jess. You’ve only been with one man. Why me? Why so fast? We could have waited.”
Her fingers moved lightly along his skin, up and down his back, and when she spoke, her eyes filled with seriousness, laced with emotion so deep he could fall into them.
“I always thought I’d know when the right man came into my life. The man I’d want to give myself over to completely. The first time I…did that was when I was very young. I was trying to fit in during my sophomore year in high school. We never even dated. It was like I dared myself to do it. I met him after school and we did it in his bedroom while his parents were at work.” A shadow of sadness washed over her eyes and just as quickly disappeared. “I was rebelling in the stupidest way imaginable.”
“Oh, babe. I’m sorry. High school boys can be such jerks.” He kissed her softly and shifted so his thigh was over hers, his arm draped over her chest. He imagined some jerky kid sweet-talking her into giving up her virginity, and it pissed him off. He felt protective of her and wanted her to feel safe.
“It’s okay. It was a good lesson, actually, and it was my choice. I wasn’t forced or anything. I wanted to be normal badly enough that I believed that might do it. It didn’t, but it wasn’t horrible. It was kind of like when you try a food you don’t love, but maybe if someone else had cooked it you would try it again, because you know it’s supposed to be really good. Anyway, after that night I decided that rebelling would have to happen in safer ways, and it made me realize that sex was in no way tied to not feeling lonely. I still felt lonely. But that, I realized, came from within. I learned how to deal with the loneliness, and I rebelled by playing the music I wanted instead of what my mother chose. I’m lame, a nerd, whatever. I know, but it served the purpose.”
“But, Jess, all these years? Didn’t you miss being touched?” He was a sensual man, and Jamie loved being touched as much as he enjoyed touching. He couldn’t imagine going all those years without being intimate with a woman.
“I don’t think you understand how focused I’ve been all these years. Dating wasn’t ever part of my daily life. In Juilliard I practiced nonstop, graduated top of my class, and after…” She shrugged. “It’s not like I’m a saint, Jamie. I went out with a few guys, but I never felt anything for them, so they never got past second base.” Her cheeks pinked up. “And now here I am.”
“So was this…was I…some sort of rebellion?”
She ran her finger over his lips. “No. I’m past rebellion. I’ve moved on to self-discovery. When I arrived here the week before I met you, I was hit on by guys. Several over the course of that week, actually. If this were rebellion, any of them would have done. I told you, I don’t rebel with my body any longer. I’m twenty-seven, Jamie, and in all those years, I’ve never felt drawn to a man like I was, like I am, with you.” She inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. “Besides, I never knew what I was missing. I imagined what it might be like to make love with someone I cared about, and I hoped it would be like this, but before …what we did on the beach, I hadn’t, you know.”
He blinked several times, wondering if she was saying what he thought she was. “You never had an orgasm?”
She shook her head.
“You’ve never pleasured yourself?”
She bit her lip and shook her head. “Never even considered it.”
If I had your body, I’d never stop touching it. “But you were so open with me. You knew just what to do, how to act.” He’d never met anyone like her, so pure and honest. So openly loving.
She shifted so they were nose to nose. “That’s because it wasn’t an act. I finally allowed myself to let go of what I’d been taught about how to act and of right and wrong. You know, they didn’t cover proper orgasm etiquette at Juilliard.” She laughed, a sweet, sensuous laugh that he wanted to always remember. “I just let myself feel, accepted what you had to give, and I gave what I wanted to share.”
He drew her body against him, wanting to take care of her and show her all the ways she deserved to be loved and cherished.
“Was it okay for you?” she asked just above a whisper.
He leaned back and met her gaze. “Being with you before we made love was never just okay. You make me think and feel and want in ways I never have before. I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life.”
And I doubt I ever will.