At 1:30 am, after four hours of broken sleep, I gave up the fight against my insomnia and began what was now my normal routine. First, a shower in the pretty silver, white, and gold bathroom off my bedroom. It was luxurious, especially for a struggling college student, and normally I would have found great pleasure in the decadence that I now called home. Being both mentally and physically exhausted, I found it hard to care about anything. It seemed like, no matter how much sleep I got, or how hard I worked to cheer myself up, I just couldn’t shake the fog of depression that drifted in and out of my life.

I wasn’t constantly sad, but it seemed to be my default setting these days.

That, and scared.

Memories of that man, Nova, glaring at me back at the high school prickled at my anxiety like little blades. The need to run surged through me, trying to take away my control. Before I could freak out, I turned the shower on and thrust my hand beneath the ice cold water. It instantly derailed my panic as my body tried to figure out why the fuck I was suddenly freezing. My heart still raced, but for a different reason. As the water warmed my pulse slowed.

Stepping beneath the steaming spray, I tilted my face up as I twisted my wild curls into a bun, letting the water wash the sweat from tonight’s nightmares from my body.

When Ramón left, he took my peaceful night’s sleep with him.

In tonight’s thriller/horror dreams, I’d been back in our old apartment, reliving the moments when I’d been frozen with terror as a massive, nasty bastard slapped and hit Hannah.

The sound of her screams echoed unnaturally through the twisted room in my dreams. Her lip split in a small burst of bright red blood, my mind slowing time down so it felt like everything was distorted. I’d always imagined I’d be brave if any man ever tried to hit me, that I would take advantage of some mistake the bad guys made and save the day. The terrible, gut wrenching truth was that I was a coward. A girl I loved like she was my flesh and blood was being beaten to a pulp, and I couldn’t force myself to move. Forget being clever and clear-headed, during my first encounter with true violence, with pure maliciousness, I’d turned into a scared rabbit. I was prey. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t level-headed and smart. I’d flattened myself to the wall, frozen in horror while they hurt her.

Unable to control my dream, I once again experienced the staggering fear caused by Ray dragging me down the hallway by my hair, a scream choking me as flailed and tried to get away. I’d lost my mind at that point, fighting like a cornered animal, but he pinned me so fast I didn’t stand a chance. That shocked me, honestly—how fast he was able to physically get control of me.

At the time, I had no fighting skills, not real ones. I mean, I’d taken a few women’s self-defense classes that one of my mom’s feminist friends ran, but when it came down to it, I was a small, out of shape girl who sat on her ass behind a computer way too many hours of the day. The guy on top of me, however, obviously spent time at the gym. I’d been helpless against him as he ground his cock against me. He told me all the vile things he planned on doing with me, his revolting threats mixing with Hannah’s distant screams of agony.

Just like all my nightmares, my bedroom morphed to a dingy cell, complete with torture equipment as a group of men stood around. Dirty, disgusting men, all there to rape me while they filmed it.

Pain lanced through me, and I realized I was curving my hands into fists so tight, my tendons ached. If I had any fingernails that I hadn’t chewed off left, they would have pierced my palms. For a moment, I welcomed that pain, welcomed how it chased back my guilt and shame. If I were to try to diagnose myself, which we all know is a fool’s errand, I’d say I had some fucked up blend of survivor’s guilt and PTSD going on. Probably some depression as well, and for sure generalized anxiety.

My love of psychology, of figuring out how the mind worked, and the college classes I’d taken about the topic gave me a vast foundation of knowledge to draw from to realize just how fucked in the head I was.

With a tired sigh, I turned off the shower then stepped out, drying my body before giving my reflection a cursory glance as I brushed my teeth.

Dark circles beneath my eyes were my new norm, and I’d invested quite a bit of money in concealer sticks to try and mask their presence. My eyes were a light green color, so whenever I cried, it was really obvious. Lately, I’d stopped wearing makeup, not wanting to draw attention to my always-red eyes. The stress was wearing me down, and every day seemed worse than the one before.

I’d discovered a few weeks ago that sleeping pills made me feel even more depressed, so those weren’t an option for me. I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist, but it wasn’t for another three weeks.  Only a few places took my shit insurance, and I was on a waiting list at each with instructions to see my primary caregiver right away if I felt like harming myself. Thankfully, I had no urge to hurt myself. I wasn’t suicidal like I’d been as a teenager, but I was becoming agoraphobic. The thought of going someplace crowded, like a mall or a concert, made me break out into a cold sweat.

Going into the small walk-in closet, I dug through the built-in drawer containing my sweatpants and leggings. Because of my promise to Ramón and the power of the Cordova name, I was finishing my last semester of school from home. This meant I could basically live in my scrubby clothes, so I did.

As I tugged on a pair of leggings printed with an Alice in Wonderland theme, I tried to remember the last time I’d made an effort to look nice. It had to be a week ago, when I’d gone to dinner at the Cordova house with Hannah and Leo. The Cordovas had been different with me…distant, almost. Like I was a welcome guest, but a guest nonetheless. It had hurt my feelings, and I’d pleaded a stomach ache and left early.

Tying my hair up with a pink scrunchie, I slid my feet into a pair of fawn brown leather slippers and shuffled my way out the door.

I wondered, once again, as I moved through the really nice house, why Mark was single. He had money, good looks, and sure he was older, but he was still hot. We had no chemistry together—I mean none, to the point it was almost like we had negative chemistry—which was nice. It allowed me to relax around him, instead of wondering if I’d have to fight off his advances at some point. From the time I hit puberty onward, men seem to mistake my friendship for flirting. I’ve, unfortunately, gotten very good at turning men down without insulting them. I’d learned early on that men got super defensive if you shot them down and didn’t soothe their ego about it, so I’d become a master at deescalating potentially embarrassing situations.

Memories of all the unwanted advances I’ve dealt with over the years left me feeling slightly ill, so I didn’t notice at first when I entered the kitchen that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t expecting anyone—Mark was usually off working his odd hours or sleeping at this time of night—so when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, I screamed and dropped to the ground.

“Jesus Christ,” Hannah’s familiar voice, husky with sleep, came closer a moment before she emerged from the shadows leading to the living room. “Are you okay?”

I tried to speak, but all that came out was a pathetic whimper that made me feel unbearably weak and ashamed.

Dressed in a pair of pajama pants with kittens on them and a white tank top, Hannah tossed her long black hair over her shoulder before she hugged me, “Joy, it’s just me, sweetheart. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

I tried to laugh it off, but what came out was a watery, hiccupping sob. “It’s okay, you didn’t scare me.”

“Riiiggghhht,” Hannah said as she helped me up and brought me into the living room. “We’ll pretend you pee’d yourself with ‘Happy to see you’ pee instead of ‘I almost crapped my pants’ pee.”

I gave her a weak smile. “You’re weird.”

“I know.”

The wide, well-lit sitting area was done in shades of cinnamon and gold, perfectly complimenting the wonderful desert landscape views that were visible during the day. Right now, the backyard was illuminated by tasteful lighting around the different types of cactus and native trees decorating the space. Down in the valley below, and on the mountains in the distance, golden lights twinkled. I spied a pillow and blanket on the massive rust red leather sofa that faced the gigantic TV across the room.

“Why are you sleeping in the living room instead of at your place?” I asked my best friend as she tugged me down onto the couch next to her. “Did you and Leo have a fight?”

“No, no. Nothing like that.” Hannah’s long black hair was down and it fell forward to partially obscure her delicate face before she pushed it back. “I had a talk with Mark yesterday.”

“What?”

“He asked me to keep an eye on you while he was gone. He’s worried about you.”

“What? I don’t—”

“Cut the shit, Joy. Ever since the attack at our apartment, you’ve been different. I knew something was up, but I was hoping it was just the stress of the whole thing. That, with time, you’d get better, but you’re getting worse.” I tried to defend myself again, the stupid need to not appear weak making me want to argue my false strength, but Hannah didn’t let me get a word in. “You’re not sleeping. You’re compulsive canning—which I know is something you do while you’re stressed. You barely leave the house, and you jump at every and any noise. I’m worried about you.”

Even now, drowning on my own, I had too much pride to reach out to her. “I’m…I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine, and that’s okay.” Hannah held my cold hands in her warm ones, empathy filling her big eyes. “I want to help you be fine again. Whatever you’re going through, whatever’s eating you alive, you have to let it out. I promise, you can trust me. We’ve been through so much, Joy. Honestly, your behavior is scaring me. If you don’t knock it off, I’m going to kick your ass. You’ve been taking self-defense lessons with me from Leo, you know I can neutralize any threat. Like, I can kill a guy with a pencil four different ways.”

“A pencil?”

“Or a pen. You just have to jam it through your attacker’s eye, really hard, to pop it and get to the brain. If you can, try to wiggle it around so you destroy as much of the brain as possible.” I stared at her, and Hannah said defensively, “What? It’s true. If you want them dead, you have to scramble the brain. Like a zombie.”

“You’ve been watching way to much Walking Dead.”

It was weird hearing Hannah, my usually timid and sweet friend, talk casually about killing someone. So weird that I couldn’t help but snicker, then giggle, and finally outright laugh. The offended look on her face only set me off into gales of laughter until I was holding my sides and crying.

“If we’re ever at an office supply store, I’ll be sure to stay well away from you.”

“You should be afraid,” Hannah grumbled, though she was trying to hold back her own giggles. “I could kill you with this throw pillow.”

“I am,” I protested between snorts, standing and going over to a mission-style cupboard on the other side of the room to get some tissue to wipe my face.

“But seriously, what’s going on? Talk to me. If you’re having problems processing what those motherfuckers did to us, I can help.” She gave me puppy dog eyes that I was powerless to withstand. “Please, Joy, you’re my best friend, and it kills to see you so…not you.”

With a long, long sigh that seemed to come from the pit of my soul, I gave up trying to pretend everything in my life was perfect with a feeling of profound relief. Though Hannah might come off as fragile and delicate, she had a core of steel built up from withstanding years of neglectful abuse by her parents. It was probably one of the reasons she bounced back from the attack while my mind seemed determined to make me relive every moment of it on a nightly basis.

With hitching sobs—I was tired of crying all the time—I told her about my lack of sleep, my growing paranoia when I was out in public, and the panic attack I’d had in the parking lot of the high school. I left out the part about Nova threatening me. I went on about how I doubted myself about everything, how I wished I’d been strong enough to go after what I really wanted in life—a home and family—and how much I missed my abuela. The list of things wrong with my life continued on and on, jumping from topic to topic in a frantic way that probably made me sound like a crazy person. During my meltdown Hannah merely held my hand and rubbed it, her touch slow and soothing as she listened to me with tear filled eyes. I realized then how much I missed being touched with affection, and how fucking miserable I was without Ramón, so I told her about him as well.

When I let that last part spill out, Hannah froze and said slowly, “Excuse me? Ramón? As in Ramón Cordova?”

I pulled my hand away from hers to nod and uselessly wipe at my damp face. Shit, I must look as big of a hot mess as I felt.

“Joy,” Hannah snapped, “what in the ever-loving fuck is going on?”

“I dated Ramón,” I said in a rush. “While you were still recovering. He was…he was so nice to me, so sweet, and he said he loved me. He made it sound like we were going to be together forever and then he just took off. Now I’m alone, and I miss him, and I’m worried about him, even if he is an asshole. None of what happened between us makes any sense. I feel like I’m losing my mind, doubting it even happened.”

Frowning, Hannah held up her hand. “Wait, Ramón said he loved you?”

I nodded, big fat tears spilling down my cheeks. “I’m such a moron. Who believes guys when they say things like that? I knew he was too good at eating pussy to be true.”

Making a sour face, Hannah said, “Yuck, stop right there. Don’t need to know that part. Moving on…why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Because it all happened so fast! It was while you were still healing after the attack, and you were still in so much pain. I was going to tell you when you got better, but then Ramón took off, and I never heard from him again. If he loved me, why hasn’t he tried to contact me in some way?” Wiping at my cheeks with more tissue, I tried to smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean get all hysterical on you.”

“You have every right to be hysterical,” Hannah muttered, a distant look in her eyes. “That would explain why Judith is so into you.”

“What?”

“She’s almost as worried about you as I am. Always asking how you’re doing, if you’re coming over with me.” Hannah gave me an apprehensive look. “I didn’t know it was because Ramón wants to marry you. Now that I think about it, we did end up talking about you a lot. Son of a bitch, he liked you. I didn’t see it at the time, but now it’s totally obvious.”

The stupid, insecure part of myself made me whisper, “You believe me?”

“What? That Ramón loves you? Of course, you’re a total catch. Besides, I should have known something was up when he started work on his house. I thought it was just because he wanted a place close to Leo, but now that I think about it…” Hannah suddenly gave me a searching look. “Did he show you his new place? Did you like it?”

“Yeah, he did, and it’s totally beautiful.” My heart gave a weak thump as both pleasure and pain broke through me at the memories of our picnic. “He has a backyard to die for, and his house is totally fabulous. It’s brand new, but they managed to make it look lived in, like a home. I don’t know how to explain it, but while it doesn’t have a sitting area with a fire pit in the middle of a pool, like your place, it’s the kind of home I’d build if I was a grown up with a billion dollars to spare.”

To my surprise, Hannah closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Hannah? What is it?”

When she looked up at me, the sadness in her expression took me aback.

“I…I—” she tried again to clear her throat, but no words came out as she struggled to speak.

“Relax,” I urged her, pulling Hannah in for a hug. “Don’t try to force the words. They’ll come.”

She gave a frustrated growl then pulled out of my arms. “Sorry, sorry. Okay, let’s try this. I’m happy because if you and Ramón do end up together, that means we’ll always be in each other’s lives because our men are like brothers. I’m worried, because being in a relationship with Ramón…” She cleared her throat with a determined expression and continued, “Dating Ramón, because of who he is, is dangerous. He’s a very rich man, from a very wealthy family, and there are people out there who will do whatever, and hurt whoever, they need to in order to try and get that money.”

“I know, he’s told me all about it.”

“What has he told you?”

For the first time in my life, I hesitated telling Hannah the truth. Ramón had trusted me with the info about Fernando’s son, and I didn’t want to betray that trust, even though I wanted to talk with Hannah about it. I assumed Leo told Hannah, but it really wasn’t my story to share. I looked up at the sound of nails clicking on the floor, then smiled when Hannah’s tan and white pit bull, Honey, jumped up on the couch between us where she was promptly kissed and cuddled by both of us.

“Just about how being as high profile and rich as the family is, they have more than their fair share of people that are willing to do anything to get that money.”

Something close to disappointment shimmered in Hannah’s brown eyes, but she turned away before I could figure it out. “There are lots of really bad people gunning for the Cordova’s, but they aren’t easy prey. Trust me on this one.”

“Well, considering your boyfriend is the chief of their security, I’ll take your word on it. Speaking of Leo, he never mentioned anything about me and Ramón?”

Her lips tightened into a thin, white line and I worried that I’d just put Leo in the doghouse somehow. “No, he didn’t say a word.”

“Weird, but don’t be mad at Leo,” I added quickly as her dark look grew. “He was probably just trying to stay out of it. Besides, whatever was or wasn’t happening between myself and Ramón is a moot point anyways. Ramón’s not here and…and I’m done waiting around for him to come back.”

Hannah’s focus remained on Honey as she scratched the dog’s big square head. “What if Ramón really is unable to call you right now? What if he comes back and expects you to be waiting for him?”

I shrugged, pretending to be way more cavalier about the situation than I was. “I can’t live my life on what ifs.”

“True,” Hannah chewed on her thumb, a physical tell she had for when she was holding something back.

Giving her my best intimidating stare, the one I used on my students, I asked, “Hannah, do you know something about Ramón? Did Leo say something?”

She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again then cleared her throat with a frustrated look. “No, Leo hasn’t said anything. Look, you need to get out of the house. Let’s go out tomorrow, just the two of us. We’ll have a girl’s day, it’ll be fun. Are you doing anything tomorrow?”

Truth be told, I didn’t really want to go anywhere, but I also didn’t want to end up a shut-in. The paranoid part of my mind insisted that was a bad idea, but I was starting to get desperate to feel some kind of normal again. I couldn’t go through life like this anymore. A year ago, I would have been giddy with the idea of going to a spa, but now the thought made me break out in a cold sweat.

“No. I have some online tutoring to do in the afternoon, but nothing in person.”

“Awesome.” She glanced down at her gold and diamond wrist watch. “Let me call Leo, he’s at some event at Obsession with Diego tonight doing security, and let him know I’m spending the night, then we’ll get some good snacks and watch some crappy TV.”

Guilt prickled at me, knowing that Hannah was rearranging her already busy schedule to spend time with me. She’d started working part-time with Judith at the Cordova Group in the event planning division. Yes, my formerly shy and meek friend now enjoyed helping put together big shindigs with million dollar budgets. I always knew she had it in her, but to be honest, I’d given up on ever getting her out of her shell. No matter how jealous I’d initially been of Leo and Hannah’s relationship, I had to say he was a miracle worker in turning my introverted and timid friend into a confident social butterfly.

I smiled at her, my chest warm with love as I linked my hand with hers and gave it a squeeze. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but we haven’t hung out in forever and I miss you. I mean, you’re more family than my own. I’ve really, really missed you.”

I gave her a big, squishy hug, my tension easing as Hannah relaxed against me. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Hannah drew back with a laugh when Honey tried to shove her way between us to get in on the love. “Then it’s settled. You get some snacks together, make it something good, and I’ll be right back. I just need to call Leo and tell him goodnight. He gets pissy if I don’t.”

Before she could leave, I grabbed her arm gently. “Hey, thanks. I really needed to talk to someone about all of this.”

Her lower lip wobbled, and she lowered her head to mine until our foreheads touched. “I will always be here for you, do you hear me? Always. No matter what.”