Chapter Fifteen

Sasha

At some point in the night, I cried myself to sleep. Sunlight pours over my pillow. It presses against my eyelids, willing me to wake up to a world I want no part of.

A world where Master doesn’t exist.

I crack open a puffy eyelid and glance at my clock. It’s still early enough to get to work on time, but I consider calling out sick. Like maybe for the rest of my tenure. Maybe Booker can just send me a termination letter, and we will never need to speak to one another again.

Even that idea makes me sad. As much as I dislike Booker Knight, I know that he is also the man behind the screen, the one I was falling in love with.

What a mess this all is.

A sense of dread settles over me as I force myself out of bed. When I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, I cringe. My eyes are puffy from crying, and my hair is in complete disarray. I look broken, and I promised myself I would never let myself get broken by a man.

One month in New York, and that promise is already dissolved.

I think about going into the office, and a wave of panic washes over me. How am I going to face him, after all I’ve shared? After all we’ve… done?

I wash my face and hope it will make me feel invigorated. Maybe give me the strength to carry on and survive this complicated little situation I’ve gotten myself into. I go into autopilot mode. I pin up my hair. I put on some makeup. I dress in a sleek gray pantsuit and slide into my heels. If I can do things as I normally do, maybe I’ll survive this day.

I glance at my phone.

Maybe he’s said something, and I didn’t hear the ding. Maybe Booker can be the one to give me some kind of direction for how to navigate my world after this mix-up. I open up the app and click on our conversation history.

“Master has deleted his account. This chat will be deleted in five days. If you wish to delete it now, press the X at the top of the screen.”

I go numb. He deleted his account shortly after learning it was me on the other side of the screen.

Well, that doesn’t bode well, now does it? I walk across the room to grab a bagel from the kitchen, but my stomach lurches at the thought of food. I plop into a kitchen chair as another bout of fear and anxiety and despair hits me at once.

Master… Booker… was the strongest connection I’ve ever had with a man. I’ve lost the one tenuous tie to the one person in the world who might have cared for me on a romantic level, whom I could confide in and trust. That future is gone. The rug has been swept out from beneath my feet, and I am left with my back to the ground, dazed and confused.

Not only that, but I could lose my job today as well. I’ve been scared to get fired since the moment I started, but the possibility has never been more real. Texting in a meeting, being a little fresh, those are minor infractions.

Sexting with the boss under an alias? That’s kind of a bigger deal.

I bend over and breathe in and out in an attempt to calm my mind. There is nothing for it. I’m going to have to face him. I can’t hide in my apartment for the rest of my life.

I slide my jacket on and grasp the strap of my work bag. I square my shoulders, but they sink right back down.

Nothing can cheer me up today. My feet are like lead as I trudge through the crowds. I pack myself into a train car and stare ahead with a blank expression. I wish I could let my mind go numb. I wish I could have a drink and laugh this all off.

If only.

The train reaches my stop, and I pour out with a group of other people as we wind our way to our jobs. Normally, I love the feeling of being in this crowd of productive, innovative people. Today, I feel confined, trapped, forced along a road I am not ready to walk.

My building looms ahead.

What is he going to say? He was equally a part of this, after all. Maybe I should point that out to him. I’m not the only one who was in the wrong through all this.

I hate calling it wrong. It felt so amazingly right. Why did it feel so right?

Clearly, it was a huge mistake.

The elevator carries me upward as my blood pulses through my veins. I wonder if I’ll faint before I get to my office, and then I’m instantly annoyed at myself. I’m being ridiculous. This is a situation that is uncomfortable and strange, but we’re going to find a way to get through it.

I’m going to find a way to do that and keep my job at the same time.

The doors open. The office looks as it normally does, with people working like bees in their offices and cubes. The steel bars along the ceiling cast a blue glint in the morning sun. When I look straight ahead to Booker’s office, I see the door is firmly closed.

I release a breath.

OK, at least I don’t have to deal with it first thing out of the gate. Or maybe that would be better. Now I have to deal with wondering what’s going on behind that door. Perhaps my termination paperwork?

No. I have to believe he values my work enough to spare me the rod in this case. I have to. I force my legs to work as I grimace at my colleagues in greeting. I receive a few curious glances in return as I book it to my office and quietly unlock the door.

Maybe if he doesn’t hear me come in, we don’t have to have the conversation.

I slide into my chair and turn on my computer screen. One look at the app logo and I can hardly stand it. I rise from my seat and step out of my office, though I have no idea what I intend to do with myself.

Maybe a cup of tea will help. Yes. Tea soothes nerves. I could use that.

I make my way to our staff kitchen.

“Hey, Sasha!”

I jump and turn at the sound of a man’s voice. It’s Rick, who looks deeply confused as to why I just jumped like someone spooked me.

“Whoa, you all right? You seem a little on edge this morning.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a weird night’s sleep.”

“You’re not the only one. I’m pretty sure Mr. Knight like, spent the night here or something. He was here before we got here at five to do some testing, but he’s had his door closed the entire time. Super weird. He’s not the most social person, but he always has his door open.”

“Yeah, that is weird,” I mumble.

I heat up a cup of water and dip a green tea bag in.

“Maybe it’s just stress as we get closer to the launch. I haven’t worked here during a launch before, so that could be it. Maybe he’s just getting in the zone,” Rick hedges.

I shrug. “Far be it from me to try and puzzle out the complex man that is Mr. Knight.”

Rick laughs as he walks out of the room. “You said it. I hope that tea helps you wake up a bit!”

“Thanks,” I say. I keep my eyes down as I trudge back to my office. I can’t help but sneak a glance at Booker’s door.

“Sasha! You never said good morning! What’s going on with you?”

Lucy pops out of her office. Her voice rings down the hall, high-pitched enough that I’m sure Booker can hear it.

“Hey,” I say in a near whisper. I glide into her office, right past her. When she turns to look at me, her gaze is confused.

“What is going on, Sasha? You always say hi to me in the morning. And you never drink tea.” She looks me up and down, taking me in. “You look terrible. What’s wrong? Did you go out drinking last night? On a work night?”

“No. I just didn’t sleep well. That’s all.”

“No, it’s not,” Lucy protests. “Look at you. You’re totally freaked out. What happened to you?”

“I’m not freaked out. I’m allowed to be tired every once in a while,” I snap. I hear a noise behind us, and I can’t keep my gaze from darting back toward Booker’s office. When I look back at Lucy, she crosses her arms.

“Oh my god. Do you have a crush on our boss?”

Her tone is accusatory. What does she have to accuse me of?

“Of course, I don’t. Why would you even say such a thing?”

“Because you’ve been perfectly normal until today, when Mr. Knight’s door is closed off to the world. What, are you sad he’s not available for you to stare at him? I’ve seen the way you look at him, you know. You need to be more careful.”

“I don’t look at him in any way but professionally,” I protest. I believe my own words. I have no feelings for Booker Knight. Of course, he’s hot, but he’s an ass. I’m not attracted to people like that.

I’m attracted to people like Master. I think my head may explode.

“Yes, you do. You look at him like you’re starved and he’s the feast. You need to watch your behavior in this office, Sasha. My ass is on the line, too, if you screw up.”

Why is she being so mean to me? For all intents and purposes, and as far as she knows, I’ve done nothing wrong. She almost sounds like a jealous girlfriend, warning me off of her man.

Weird.

“I would never do anything to put you at risk, Lucy. You have to believe that. You were the one friend I had back home I wasn’t related to. I would never betray you. If I slip up in any way, I’ll make sure that it’s only a reflection of me and not you. You have to know that, right?”

Lucy lowers her guard, but not completely. “I just want you to watch your back, especially with the boss. Sasha, Booker is the kind of man who doesn’t get into relationships. He doesn’t get involved with anyone, ever. He’s famous for that. The man is all work and no play, a professional and nothing else. He isn’t capable of human feelings. That’s why he’s such a dick. He knows how to make money, and women complicate that. Don’t fall into a trap you can’t get out of.”

Her words slice right through me. I understand that she’s describing Booker Knight, but she has no idea who he really is. The man behind the mask is funny and kind and a little bit broken, just waiting to have his pieces put back together.

She acts like she knows him, but she has no idea. Not that I can tell her that.

“Thanks for the advice, but I don’t need it. I have nothing but respect and admiration for Booker Knight. I’m sure that whatever’s going on behind that door is none of our business. I should get back to work though.”

“OK. I’ll check in on you later.”

What is she, my mother? I fight back a stab of annoyance as I make my way back to my office, feeling small.

How am I going to survive this?