Chapter Twenty-One

Sasha

I close the door behind me and realize I’m grinning like the cat that ate the canary. When I look up from the floor, Lucy’s eyes bore into me.

“Sasha.” Her voice is filled with suspicion. I can only imagine what I look like. My smile dissolves in an instant.

“Lucy,” I say with a teasing version of her serious tone. Maybe if I make light of it, she won’t realize what just happened.

Or maybe I’m kidding myself. Without knowing how I look, I can’t be sure what she’s seeing. Is my hair out of place? My underwear sticking out? I thought I put myself together, but the way Lucy is looking at me suggests otherwise.

“We’ll need to start preparing for the launch event,” I say. If I turn things professional, maybe we can forget this whole unspoken question going on here.

Lucy lifts an eyebrow. “That’s what that meeting was about?”

It’s my turn to look a little miffed. I cross my arms and stare hard right back. “Yes. Why? Is there something else we should be discussing that we haven’t touched base on yet?”

Lucy’s shoulders lower and her suspicious expression dims, though it doesn’t disappear completely. “No, nothing we haven’t talked about. What are you up to this morning? Maybe we can hash some things out and get prepped in advance.”

“Good idea. I need to hit the restroom and then let’s meet,” I say.

“OK,” she replies. There’s still an archness in her voice. I feel completely transparent. She must see right through me, but I can’t admit to her or anyone what I’ve just done.

Maybe I can’t even admit it myself.

I hold a neutral expression as I walk with purpose to the ladies’ room. When I open the door, I’m grateful to see that it’s empty. I hesitate before I look in the mirror.

Relief spills through me. I barely look out of sorts. There is a little shine on my forehead, and my hair is a little bit in disarray, but given how I threw it together this morning before coming in, it might have looked that way already.

I pull my hair from its restraints and refashion it to look a little more professional. I dab some water on my forehead and wipe it all away before I take another look in the mirror.

This time, I really look at myself.

This isn’t right. I’m not the kind of girl who has sex with the boss in his office and talks about getting a promotion. I was raised to have integrity, not to have things handed to me because of relationships or sexual connection. I can barely stand to look at myself.

Not to mention Booker. What kind of man does that make him? Is he really the kind of boss who would put me ahead of others because of this, over my talent? If there comes a situation where promotion is up, and the other person is more qualified, will I get it simply because I’ve had sex with him?

Does Booker Knight really care about me? I think about his reputation. Everything I know about him tells me he’s a total jerk who uses women and then moves on. Is this simply a power trip he’s taking before he leaves me in the dust? How can I trust anything he says or does, when this is the standard of life we’ve reached? Sneaking around, having to hide what we have?

Not to mention his cold demeanor this morning. I may be able to play the part of sexy vixen, but the truth is that’s not all I’m looking for. I don’t want to have to keep him entertained in order to maintain his interest. That’s not what a relationship is.

Can I even have a relationship with Booker? Is that something I’ll be able to pull off, when all is said and done?

My thoughts dart to Lucy and her suspicious glances. I’ve traded one fear for another. When I first came here, I was terrified I would lose my job because I kept annoying Booker. Now I’m terrified that any promotion I get will be seen as me simply sleeping my way to the top.

I never wanted to be viewed that way.

My gaze is heavy with worry as I stare at myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel frozen and alone. I can’t express my fears to Booker, because I’m scared it might push him away. I shouldn’t feel that way, but there’s so much about him I still don’t know.

It’s maddening.

A woman walks into the bathroom and nods before ducking into a stall. It’s enough to bring me back to the present. I can’t hide in the bathroom all day. I have to carry on as though nothing has changed.

I have to believe I am capable of doing that.

I wash my hands with the pretense that I was doing anything other than wiping traces of sex from my appearance. I dry them and walk out the door with my head held high. Even still, my gaze darts around the office. I can’t help but wonder who suspects. Am I being paranoid? Maybe I need to get a therapist.

Maybe I need to get a drink.

Great. Now I’m a sex maniac and a drunk. My mother always said that moving to New York was a bad idea—full of temptation and avarice.

“Whoa, what is going on with you, Sasha?” Lucy pokes her head out of her office and watches me with concern etched into her brow when I walk out of the bathroom.

“What?” I ask.

“You look like you just walked away from a murder scene and don’t know what to do with the body. Care to talk about it? Then we can get to work as usual, maybe busy your mind.”

A sigh escapes my lips, and I step into Lucy’s office. She closes the door, securing us inside, and I plop onto the chair opposite her desk. When she sits across from me, she leans back and waits in silence.

“So, did you kill someone?” she finally asks.

I laugh, but it sounds forced even to me. “No. I did not kill anyone. You can put that theory away.”

“OK, then what is it? You’ve been acting really weird this past week, totally not yourself. I miss you, you know.”

“Am I really that changed?” I ask.

It’s something I’ve wondered for a long time. Would sex change me? Would a man like Booker Knight change me, inherently, just by opening me up to that world?

“I mean, obviously you’re still you, Sasha, but you’re clearly troubled by something. What is it? You can tell me.”

I sit in silence, contemplating how much I want to reveal. The secret sits on my chest like a boulder cutting off all my air. I can’t breathe if I keep holding onto it. I have to let it out, and consequences be damned.

“I’m falling for Booker,” I blurt.

Lucy nods. “Yes, I thought we established that before. I told you he’s bad news when it comes to relationships. Can you really not see past his handsome face?”

“It’s more than that.”

I let the phrase hang in the air, and Lucy waits with the patience of a saint as I collect my thoughts.

“You know how we’ve all been testing the app to get the user experience?” I ask.

She nods. “Yes. I’ve met a few guys. Nothing to write home about.”

“Well, I met an amazing guy. He’s sweet and funny and really smart. He’s sexy as hell.”

“Sounds like a real winner. I still don’t understand what this has to do with Mr. Knight,” she says, reminding me of our place. I shouldn’t be calling him by his first name. We are supposed to know our station here. Just another little thing that puts me in a different category than my colleagues.

“Well, we talked for the requisite amount of time, and then just the other day our pictures were revealed. Lucy, the guy was I talking to was Bo… Mr. Knight.”

Her eyebrows lift at this revelation. “You two fell for each other over the app? That’s insane!”

I stand and pace around the room. There’s too much stress bottled up inside me. If I don’t move, I might explode. Thank goodness the door is closed.

“I know! I was falling so hard for him. He’s not like his reputation, Lucy. He’s so much more behind the scenes. The things that he’s been through, the trials he’s faced to get to where he is… he’s an amazing person.”

Lucy processes that for a moment, her lips pursed in thought. “All right, that’s fair enough. So the pictures were revealed, and then what happened?”

I frown at the memory. “He deleted his account.”

Lucy scratches her face as realization dawns. “That was the day he locked himself in his office. You were a complete mess, constantly looking at his door. That’s when I decided to warn you off of him.”

“Yeah,” I say, glum. “My perfect romance kind of died overnight.”

“But you said you’re still falling for him. Something must have happened to keep your interest. Otherwise, I imagine you would have moved on when he expressed no interest.”

Heat warms my cheeks, and Lucy perks up.

“You didn’t,” she says.

I sit back across from her. I can’t look her in the eye. I’m not ashamed of what we’ve done, per se. I’m more afraid of how it will be perceived by others. A reputation can make or break someone in any industry, but scandal is the last thing we want right before a major launch.

Eek. So much at risk. Somehow, through it all, I have no regrets. If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it just the same.

Giving my virginity to Booker was one of the best things I could have ever done.

“Wow. OK. Well, that certainly changes things a bit. Or at least that explains why your feelings are so strong.”

“Yeah. You won’t think less of me because of what we’ve done, will you? I promise not to let it interfere with my work. I will be just as productive as I’ve always been.”

“Of course, you will,” Lucy says. She reaches out a hand and grasps mine. “You’re going to be fine. And who knows? Maybe you’re the woman who will break his cycle. Maybe the app helped him realize that women can be more than just a passing hobby.”

“Well, when you put it that way,” I grumble, and Lucy laughs.

“Come on, Sasha. You have to be real about this situation. Anyone can change for the better. Maybe this situation will help you both in the end. No matter what, you have a friend here who you can confide in, OK? I’ll be here for whatever you need.”

When I look back up at Lucy, I have tears of gratitude in my eyes.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Somehow, with Lucy’s kind words, I feel like less of a harlot and more like a woman seeking love, like any other. Still, I have to find a way to balance this, to keep things professional at work. It will be a discussion Booker and I will need to have, soon. We need to set up guidelines, parameters.

Some kind of rule book to get us through the complicated nature of this relationship. Man, do I wish there was a handbook!

“Well, now that that’s off your chest, let’s distract you with lots of fun work talk,” Lucy says, cheerful.

I grin at her and sit back. I release a breath and let go of my fears.

For the moment, I don’t need to worry about Booker. I’ll find him soon enough.