The Bad Boy's Good Girl by Kylie Knight (36)

Forgiving My Bad Boy

Saundra’s classroom was a gentle cacophony of 5th graders talking amongst themselves while they separated into groups. Most classes around their age group were learning from doing quiet book exercises or listening to the teacher lecture, but Saundra preferred a more hands-on method for teaching.

The other teachers liked giving her crap about it, saying she only went the extra mile because she was young. “Give it a few years, you’ll see it doesn’t make any difference and you can save yourself a lot of energy.”

What a horrible way of thinking! Saundra didn’t become a teacher to hang out and get the summers off. She enjoyed working with children, sculpting their minds and helping them learn about the world around them. There were no bad children, just children going through a hard time that haven’t been taught any better way to be. Take lectures for example. It was one thing to tell a student the information, and have them test well on it. It was another to have them actually perform the science or make a fun activity out of the geography homework to help them actually learn the how and the why of it. Then you’re not just teaching a child what to think, but how to think.

Saundra paced around the room slowly as she watched the children in their groups. They had to match certain colors to the nations of the world, but there were no words or labels. They had to do it by shape. They could talk, but raised voices weren’t allowed. Their classroom had neighbors, after all.

Suddenly a boy fell backwards out of a group, and Clark, what some would call a trouble child, came around to stand menacingly over him.

“Clark,” Saundra snapped. She made sure her tone wasn’t aggressive, but she put no hint of fear into it. Saundra was well known as a teacher not to be messed with by anyone.

“He started it!” Clark said immediately.

“Wrong answer.” She helped Jonathan to his feet. “What happened?”

Clark stood with his arms crossed and glared at Jonathan.

Jonathan said, “I didn’t do anything! All I said was that it wasn’t Italy.”

“I know what Italy looks like,” Clark yelled and reached out for Jonathan.

Saundra grabbed Clark by the wrist, twisted her body at the waist, which both twisted his arm and pulled him off balance. She kept him there like that for a moment.

“We do not handle things physically. If you have an issue or a question, you ask me and I will assist you in handling it. When you make the situation physical, you immediately place yourself in the wrong. Am I understood?”

“You’re hurting me!”

“I’m preventing you from hurting someone else. Answer me: am I understood?”

“Yes!”

Saundra pulled him so that he had to take a few steps forward, moving him away from the group, and she released his wrists. “According to school policy when is it okay to fight?”

Clark averted her eyes, which she allowed. She could see the indignant shame in them.

“Never.”

“And in my classroom, my rules, when is it okay to fight?”

Clark looked around, crossing his arms again.

“All right,” she said, then raised her voice. “Class,” she said to get everyone’s attention, “in my classroom, when is it okay to fight?”

“Self-defense,” they all said in unison.

If the principal ever found out she was spreading that rule around, it wouldn’t be pretty for her, but she’d be damned if she was going to raise a class full of victims.

“Clark, Jonathan did not attack you. So why did you become physical with him?”

He shrugged.

“Because he’s stupid,” Jonathan said, which flared up Clark once more.

Saundra took a step between them. “Jonathan, two demerits for provoking him. Get back to work. Clark—“

“I’m not stupid! I was looking at the map upside down. I couldn’t tell what was what.”

“That’s fine, but—“

“They didn’t know where China was. They kept putting it where Australia was. Like they’re the same size.”

“Clark, that’s enough.”

“I’m not stupid, they are!”

“Outside.”

The indignant expression on the young boy’s face shifted into shock and frustration.

“Now.” She pointed to the door to reinforce her point.

He stomped his feet as he went outside and sat in the chair outside of class. Saundra kept her face as still as possible as she continued to go about the room supervising. Now, though, she kept a sharp eye on the clock and an ear out for any commotion outside the door.

Clark came from a broken home, and displayed throughout the school year all of the classic signs of abuse. His inability to express himself, and everything coming out as violence were key signs to that. It was one thing to try and talk to him, but one thing she learned with him was that when he grew too worked up, he needed time away from everyone to calm down.

It was sad, but the same thing worked on her boyfriend. He had so many problems at work, that sometimes when he came home he was just too worked up. If they were to have any sort of an enjoyable night together, she needed to give him his time. When that didn’t work, she had to talk him down.

After five minutes out of the room, she told the class to keep working and stepped out into the hall. Clark was there silently fuming, but looking a bit calmer.

“They’re stupid,” he said defensively.

“Clark, I understand your frustration, but you were in the wrong to push him. We both know you don’t need to be sent to Principal Johnson again.”

He hung his head. “No.”

“No. So, you have a choice. When you go back in there, you can continue misbehaving, and I’ll keep you inside for next recess. Continue misbehaving, and I’ll make sure you’re unable to take part in the afterschool baseball program for the next two weeks.”

He looked up at her, stricken. Saundra lowered herself into a squat so she was eye-to-eye with him.

“You need to understand, Clark, I’m not going to reward bad behavior. If you want positive attention, if you want me and the other children to look at you kindly, you have to act kindly. Do you understand? I won’t allow anyone to bully anyone in my class. So, you can keep name-calling, and pushing, and I can make your life hell.” She held up a finger, “Or, I’ll make you a deal.”

This alternative deal got his attention and he licked his lips quickly in anticipation.

“I have candy in my desk. If you can make it to next recess without name calling, you get one piece of candy. And if – if! – you not only make it to next recess without name calling, but also manage to say something nice to each person in your group, I will give you two pieces of candy.”

She straightened. “This is a secret deal, and I will take it away if you tell anyone that I did this for you. And if you tell anyone, I won’t ever give you this deal again. It’s our secret. Okay?”

He nodded excitedly.

“So, what’s it going to be? No recess or baseball, or candy?”

“Candy,” he said quickly.

“All right,” she said, putting strain in her voice. “You’re going to have to work for it though. Can you do the work?”

He nodded quickly. “I’ll be real nice, you’ll see.”

“Okay. And if you have any more trouble with Jonathan?”

His mouth pulled into a frustrated grimace and she could see that she’d stumped him. He was trying so hard to come up with the answer he thought she wanted, but even though she’d just said it inside, he couldn’t think of it. This was the trouble. When a child was raised in a home of violence, it was the only way they could think to solve any issue.

“Come and…” she said slowly, encouragingly.

“Come and tell you,” he finished.

“Right, good. Can you do that?”

Clark nodded, though this time it was far less enthusiastically.

Saundra opened the classroom door and ushered him back inside.

After finishing up at school, she just tried to breathe and brace herself for coming home. She was hoping Miles was in a good mood. It’d been a trying enough day, and she could use a nice quiet night at home that day.

She loved Miles, without a doubt. No one knew him as well as she did. He’d had a hard life, and like Clark, didn’t know the proper way to react in current situations.

She knew it sounded like any other abusive relationship, but that was just it: Miles wasn’t abusive. He never yelled at her, never called her names, never touched her with anything but affection. He was just a troubled young man with a horrible past.

His father had been a semi-famous criminal. Not exactly the pride of the town. All through his childhood, he was pegged as the son of The Butcher. No matter what Miles did, that was how people viewed him. Without a proper way to test how behavior altered people’s perception of him, along with a childhood of violence, it left Miles woefully incapable of life out in the real world.

That did not mean, however, that Miles was an inherently violent person. If anything, he was one of the sweetest, most genuine people she’d ever met. In everything, he was so earnest to improve himself, to do better. To be better. He just didn’t know how. It was this need to always improve himself, to fix what he knew was broken inside that she had fallen in love with.

Over the years, she’d helped him where she could and had seen some real progress. He was getting there, but there were still days where it seemed like trouble followed him wherever he went.

When she arrived home, she found him sitting on the couch with the TV on, but his eyes locked on the corner of the room. It’d been a bad day. Saundra sucked in a breath through her nose and prepared herself mentally for what would come.

“Hi sweetie,” she said when he didn’t respond to her closing the door and setting her things down.

“This is such crap,” he said.

First thing first, a time out. He needed to calm down before he would talk to her. She went to the kitchen, got him a fresh beer and brought it out to him. He thanked her quietly, and she left him there to sit and think while she went and changed into more comfy clothes.

When she came back out, he seemed more relaxed. It was flattering to know that her presence always seemed to calm him down, even if he never said it outright. She wasn’t even sure he knew it himself, but she could see it in him. He could be upset all day, but the moment they started hanging around one another, he would just relax.

“So what’s going on?” she asked him and sat on the couch beside him.

“I’m gonna get fired. I just know I am.”

“Why’s that?”

“This guy, Blake, big guy, he keeps coming at me at work. I know what you’re going to ask, and no, I’m not doing anything to provoke the guy. I’m trying to just get through my day, but he comes at me. You know I don’t handle bullies well.”

“I know, sweetie,” she said and played with some stray bits of his hair.

“We get busy, and he suddenly things all the jobs are his. I’m not going to sit there and not work, ya know? We need the money too.”

“Well if there’s enough to go around, can you just wait for him to take what he wants and then do whatever is left?”

“That’s just it, he doesn’t leave anything. He’ll take it all and then stuff won’t get done in time, and cars will have to hold over until tomorrow. Some of the other guys will take work, but it’s when I come up and challenge him for the work that he suddenly gets in a huff about it.”

Saundra sighed, conflicted. “I’m sorry. There’s no one you can talk to?”

Miles pursed his lips into a smirk and shook his head.

How did this always happen with him? She couldn’t understand it. To hear him tell it, he just kept to himself all the time, and trouble just found him. But every job? Every time? This was his fourth job in six months. She wanted to help, to give him some advice, but what could she possibly say to him? She knew he was trying his best, but it just made it so damn hard to defend him when her family started in on her to leave him already. They’d gotten through worse times. They’d make it through this.

It was selfish, but Saundra’s tired mind was ready to be done with all this stress and have life get boring for a little while.

Miles checked the small piece of paper he’d written the tire size on, then looked back up to the rack of new tires. In the storage area under the shop they used to store all of the tires, the air was filled with the smell of rubber. Rubber dust coated the floor, despite multiple sweeps every day.

Personally he enjoyed the smell. It was interesting, and reminded him of his childhood when he and his dad would work on cars together. Of course, that wasn’t why Miles worked in this shop. This was just another job, but at least he had a bit of experience to leverage in order to get it.

His work history looked so terrible. So many jobs over such a short period of time made him look like a bad investment. He knew how this worked. Employers had to weight the money lost during the training of a new employee and expect that employee to not only become functional and efficient, but to also work up the money lost, plus turn a profit for the company. It was basic economics.

The fact that Miles could rarely stay employed long enough to make up that money again made him as unattractive as the one-eyed girl at the prom.

He grumbled to himself as he searched for the damn set of tires that were supposed to be down there. If he had to go up and ask about them, he knew the attitude he’d get for it. What else was he supposed to do? The system said they were down here. He marked them for the order, and came down to get them. No one should’ve touched them. If they’re not there, it’s not like he can just magically conjure four damn tires out of thin air!

He’d have to speak to the supervisor about it. There was no way around it. Of course the supervisor would blame him for not being able to find the tires, or just tell him to put on another set. Of course, that wasn’t what the customer asked for and he—

Miles growled and punched one of the tires as his mind spun in circles. How did people do this? How could they go to work every day and just… deal with it? He couldn’t fathom it. Every place he worked was full of people treating him like a moron, treating him like he was less than them.

It was this way ever since he was a child, all through school, and now he had to deal with it as an adult. His father had been a criminal, a pretty infamous one, too. That wasn’t his fault any more than these missing damn tires! The customer ordered these four, the inventory said they had them, and he wasn’t going to give the customer something they didn’t order without informing them first. It wasn’t right. Such a small, stupid thing, but he knew it would bring a world of drama down on his head.

Miles ran up the stairs back to the shop. Pneumatic tools whizzed as the other techs loosened nuts and performed maintenance. Out of the corner of his eye, Miles just happened to notice four tires beside a car Blake was working on. The blue and yellow label on the tires was the same as the ones he was looking for. Blake had already given him grief over taking the four-tire job. If they could be done fast enough, they were pretty lucrative in the commissions. They’d almost come to blows over it, but now, had Blake taken the four tires Miles needed?

A white hot indignant rage broiled inside of Miles as he marched over to the stack of tires and checked the size against the paper. A match.

“Get away from my car,” Blake said, coming around the side.

“These are my tires.”

Blake opened his arms. “Doesn’t look like it. I need them for this order.”

Miles looked at the red sedan. It was clearly a family car, the basic steel rims were nowhere near large enough for those tires. “Bull,” Miles spat. “Let me see the order. Where is it?”

“Don’t worry about it, little man. Get back to work.”

“I am working!”

Miles scanned the immediate area, spinning in a small circle as he looked for the order sheet for the red sedan. He spotted it hanging against the toolbox. Blake tried to stop him, but Miles leapt over and snatched up the order form. It only took a second for him to find the tire model and size. It wasn’t even the right brand.

“Hah!” Miles threw the order form back at Blake. “I knew it. These are my tires and I’m taking them.”

Blake took up a socket wrench with an extended handle as he passed the toolbox. “No you’re not.”

The fact that Blake meant to intimidate him, that he thought so little of Miles made him so furious he could barely see straight. Struggling to stay in control of his anger, the adrenaline had nowhere to go, and just simmered in his muscles, making him shudder in his rage.

“You’re shaking,” Blake pointed out, a petulant little smile on his face. “Do I scare you?”

“Not even a little,” Miles said, and cursed his treacherous tongue for stuttering on the words, making him sound like a frightful liar.

“Huh, little boy? Do I scare you? Get back to your work and mind your own business.” Blake held the socket wrench ready, as though he meant to swing it.

It wasn’t so much that Miles thought about every man that thought he could beat him into submission. That would’ve taken too much time and too much brain power. Instead, it was instinctual. It was reflex. It was the culmination of every experience of attempted bullying that anyone had ever tried with him.

When Miles screamed, grabbed Blake by the coveralls, and spun him into his own tall, red, toolbox, Miles was simply responding how he knew he needed to respond to get men like Blake to understand.

They never understood. They could never be reasoned with. All of the stories about bullies leaving you alone when you stand up to them, that was fairytales. In real life, they came back. Their power had been compromised, and they needed to make that which had defied them cow before them. If not, then they knew they were nothing. That could not be allowed. No, to deal with bullies, they needed to be beaten. They needed to be beaten so badly, that the thought of returning, of trying anything ever again made them shudder in fear.

Miles was no victim, he was not someone to be bullied. He was an intelligent, rational man that would much rather talk his way out of any situation. Yet, all of that was gone as he sat straddled over Blake’s chest, beating him senseless. There were hands on Mile’s arms and shoulders, but he brushed them off with shrugs of his shoulders. Men shouted, but he couldn’t hear them.

“Do I scare you?” Miles shouted at Blake even as the man’s eyes rolled back into his head. “Huh? Answer me! Do I scare you!”

Suddenly Blake dropped out from under him, the world shifting and spinning around, and Miles face was pressed against the asphalt. When his mind returned to him, he was aware of three men with knees in his back, two others holding each of his arms down. Another stood at his head, holding him down.

Upon realizing what he’d done, hearing the other men speak with raised voices to the unconscious Blake, all Miles could think about was how he was going to explain this to Saundra.

Saundra came home to find Miles sitting on the couch, his face in his hands, the TV off. His knuckles were scraped, bruised, and still trickling blood. He hadn’t even changed out of his work clothes, which was the first thing he did normally.

“Sweetie, are you okay?” She dropped her bag and came to sit on the couch. Now was not the time for time outs. She needed answers.

Miles shook his head and hugged himself. “I got fired. Again. I’m so sorry.”

She took up his hands to look at them more closely. The back of his hands were bruised. He could’ve broken the bones in his hands, but he’d never say anything. She loved how strong he was, but it could be really damn obnoxious when he put himself in such jeopardy for the sake of his pride.

“What happened?”

“Short version? Blake and I got into a fight. I got fired.”

“Longer version?”

Miles looked away, his jaw swinging from side to side as he struggled to maintain control over his emotions. It hurt her to see him so upset, but deep inside, she couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. Now they were going to be under a huge financial strain while he tried to find another job. “I stood up to Blake and took on an order. He stole my tires to get back at me. When I went to take the tires back, he came at me with a socket wrench.”

“What?” She couldn’t believe to hear this sort of thing happened in the work place. “Are you kidding me?”

Miles shook his head. “I told you. This guy, he just hoarded everything for himself. He’s a bully. Was a bully. I just…” Miles shook his head violently and pressed his palms against the side of his head. “What are we going to do? I’m so sorry. I know we can’t afford for me to keep losing jobs like this. I’m so sorry.”

“No, shhh, stop.” She reached out and pulled him to her, holding him.

She knew he tried his best. He didn’t mean for this to happen. Unfortunately, it seemed like he was a magnet for this sort of thing. How one man could keep running into trouble at work, she just couldn’t understand. But what were her choices? She could either believe he was a screw-up, or she could believe in him, stand by him, and help him work through it all.

She knew he wanted to do better, was trying to be better. To stop supporting him now would be to remove all of the pillars they’d build together to make him a better man. Miles didn’t cry, but she felt his body shudder against her. Saundra kissed the side of his head and held him close.

“I’ll start looking for another job tomorrow. I swear to God, I’m not going to be unemployed for long. I can’t put this on you. I can’t keep putting this on you.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I know you’re trying.”

Miles shook his head again and pulled away from her. “No, that’s not good enough. Trying isn’t good enough. You don’t deserve this, to have to carry me. I’ll do better.”

She took his hands in hers again, making sure to be gentle with them. “I know you will.”

The next day Saundra sat at lunch with a friend and fellow teacher Jared. “I just don’t know what else I can do for him,” she said before taking another bite of her sandwich.

Jared sighed softly and gave a shrug. “It sounds like you’re doing the best you can for him.”

Saundra shoved the food into her cheek with her tongue. “But am I, though? Why does this keep happening? This isn’t an isolated incident. He’s been fired for fighting before.”

“My brother went to school with Miles, did I ever tell you that?”

Saundra shook her head.

“Yeah, they weren’t friends or anything. Went in different circles.” Jared gave a smirk at himself. “Well, sort of. Miles didn’t really have a circle.”

“What do you mean?”

Jared tilted his head. “You don’t know?”

She shook her head. “Miles doesn’t tell me much of anything about his past, just that it was terrible and he’s trying to get past it.”

“Oh, well I don’t want to say something if he doesn’t want… well, I guess it doesn’t really matter, since it’s kind of public knowledge anyway.”

“What is?”

“Miles was pretty much the loner. To hear my brother tell it, he got into fights constantly. He was smart about it though, and almost never got in trouble for it. The whole school was terrified of him. If anyone tried to talk to any of the teachers or faculty, he’d follow them home and put them in the hospital.”

Saundra furrowed her brows. “What? No, I can’t believe that.”

Jared shrugged again. “That’s what my brother told me. All I’m saying is, maybe you’re doing everything you can for him. And maybe that’s not enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe by trying to support him, you’re holding him back. Enabling him.”

“Are you saying I should do some tough love with him or something? That’s ridiculous.”

Even as she said it, though, she was forced once more to consider the possibility. Was she holding him back?

 

Miles sat on the couch, the latest batch of job applications spread out on the coffee table as he filled them out. He wasn’t quitting, but with every application, he felt more and more depressed about the whole thing.

He wasn’t going to quit. He couldn’t. It’d been a week and a half, and though it wasn’t a terribly long time, rent was coming up and he had nothing to contribute. He was nothing but a drain on Saundra’s time and resources. He hated himself for it.

He was better than this. He could find a job, he could keep a job. He had to believe that was possible, otherwise what was the point? He was better than this.

Miles sniffed derisively and continued filling out the applications. This was such bull. He set down the pen and shook his hand out. He wasn’t sure what he’d hurt in his hands from beating Blake, but he’d definitely injured himself. He had been waiting for a call from the police, or for them to just show up at his door, but after so long he assumed that wasn’t going to happen. That was for the best. He’d make sure Blake knew who was in the wrong, there. This wasn’t Miles fault, he didn’t start it, but he’d sure as hell finish it.

As he massaged the ache out of his hand, he looked out over the applications. He’d worked in so many places, in so many different trades and fields. Nothing stuck. He had a little bit of knowledge in everything. It made him versatile, but he longed for the ability to just have a career, to be an expert in something. After all of these years trying to be stable, if he’d been able to just stick with one damn job, he could’ve moved up. Manager at a fast food place is still a manager! Having that title, that experience, he could totally take it to finding better jobs somewhere else.

But no. Now he was a grown man filling out applications for a pizza joint, a bagger at the local grocery store, and working in an auto parts store. Entry level, minimum wage crap. He was so damn tired of entry level crap.

He should’ve been past this stage in his life by now. Everyone else was. He was just holding himself back, holding Saundra back. He could feel himself teetering on the edge of giving up, of letting his shame overtake him. He couldn’t let it.

Shaking his head quickly to clear the thoughts, he took up the pen again and went back to filling out the applications. Stressing about it wouldn’t fix it. Only action. If he wanted change, he had to make things change. Only by doing could he make things better. Saundra had been there for him through so much, she deserved better.

After finishing two more applications, his cell rang. He didn’t recognize the number, but with all of the applications he’d been filling out lately, he was hopeful it was a call about a job.

After a quick introduction, the person on the other end informed him that his ex, Tracy, was claiming him the father of her four year old child and was now seeking back-pay for child support.

“Whoa, whoa, what? This is the first I’m hearing about this.”

“You’ve been virtually untraceable in that time. Our records show you’ve been moving from state to state for some time avoiding your responsibilities. Well I’m here to tell you that’s caught up with you.”

“I haven’t been avoiding anything!” Miles jumped up from the couch, the job applications all but forgotten. “I’ve been trying to survive. I’ve been working and trying to find a place to live. Tracy’s had my number, and she never mentioned anything before. This is crap. I don’t believe it.”

“We have your address, sir. We’ll be sending you all of the necessary paperwork. If you want to refute the claim, be sure to fill out the forms by the deadline and send them back. Until then, save everyone the trouble, and get your financial affairs in order to start supporting the life you helped bring into this world.”

“It’s not my kid,” he said as much to the operator as to himself. When the line clicked, he shouted, “It’s not my kid!” and nearly threw his phone against the wall.

Four years back-pay for child support. The thought nearly brought him to his knees. How much was that? Even if it was just a few hundred, multiplied over twelve months, times four…

His eyes ached with the need to cry in his frustration, but he denied himself the release. Finally the sense that all was lost set in. Nothing he could do would fix anything.

Feeling completely desolate inside, lost, and positive the news would lose him the love of his life, Miles picked up his jacket and went out to have a drink.

 

Saundra sat on the couch biting her thumbnail while watching the commercials go by on TV. The shows were barely enough to keep her occupied so she didn’t implode out of anxiousness. Miles had been gone all day and wasn’t answering his phone. It was two in the morning, and she knew she was going to be a zombie the next day at school, but she just couldn’t sleep if she didn’t know he was okay. He’d been depressed about the job thing, and money. No matter how much she tried to tell him she had a handle on things until he had a new job, but he didn’t listen.

When she heard his keys at the door, she jumped from the couch and rushed over to unlock it and let him in. The slow way he looked up at her, confused as to why the door was open told her everything she needed to know.

“You were drinking?”

“Good evening to you,” he slurred. When he stepped into the door, she knew he didn’t mean to, but he lost his balanced and shoved her aside.

“Don’t tell me you rode your motorcycle home.”

Miles stumbled into the living room, looking around as though he lost something. “What was I supposed to do? Leave it all alone and scared in the parking lot. Hungry, crying.” He spun around to face her. “I had to.”

“I have been up worried to death about you, and you were out drinking.” She couldn’t believe what she was witnessing.

In all of the scenarios in her head, this had never even occurred to her. He was always so responsible with money, never spending anything he couldn’t replace with his own. After being together for so long, they had a joint account, and in all that time this was the first time he’d ever done anything like this.

“So how was it? Did you find a job in the bottom of a beer bottle?”

Miles snorted, kicked off a shoe and walked into the kitchen. His face was awash in the glow from the refrigerator as he was no doubt looking for something to drink.

“Miles, would you talk to me?”

He slammed the refrigerator door closed. “And when I speak you’re going to ear with your face?”

“What?”

“I’m just saying.” He took a few steps forward and leaned his hip against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re standin’ there, and I’m over here like, pfft, and I know it’s not going to matter.”

“Miles…” She pinched the bridge of her nose as she tried to calm herself. Losing her temper now wouldn’t win her anything. He was drunk and not making sense.

“It’s stupid, okay?” he said. “I can be a pilot and sharpen pencils, and it won’t matter, because you’re just here like an island.”

“What does that even mean, Miles?”

He cupped his hands together in urgency. “You’re an island! And you’re not even floating, ya know? You’re there, and it’s like, you’re paradise and I’m just flying over. Well you know what? The plane is going down. Engines three and four blew. So drink all the little liquor bottles in the back, because when we crash, it won’t even matter anyway.”

All Saundra could do was watch with wide eyes as he furiously unbuttoned his shirt and pushed his pants down to his knees as he walked into the bedroom and fell onto the bed. What plane? He was beyond making any sense. The best she could hope for was to just let him sleep it off and hope he made more sense in the morning.

He was out in seconds, and she had to go take off his other shoe and finish undressing him before throwing the blanket over him.

She couldn’t stomach falling asleep in the bed next to him, so she grabbed a spare blanket and pillow and got comfortable on the couch. As she settled down in the dark living room, the words of her friend came back to her.

Was she holding him back because she was being so supportive? This behavior wasn’t like him at all. Was he getting worse? Did he rely on the fact that she’d always be there for him, so it gave him a safety net to go mess around and do whatever he wanted instead of taking care of his responsibilities?

She hated to think that was true, but she was starting to lose sight of what else it could be. She didn’t know how she could help him, and didn’t know if she should stop helping.

 

Miles sat slouched against the bar, staring into nothing, swallowing the last taste of his beer. He idly tapped the bottom rim against the cheap cardboard coaster as he waited for the bartender to come back around. The place was quiet, and smelled like stale cigarettes and even more stale people. There wasn’t much going on in the bar that night, which was why he preferred it. It wasn’t too far from home, but there wasn’t so much commotion that it made him feel overwhelmed.

He was already on sensory overload. He needed to numb himself. Numb his brain numb his heart, numb everything. Everything was collapsing all around him and the pain was just too much to take. Miles never considered himself a weak man. He’d had to fight and scrape just to survive every chapter in his life. Fighting was what he did. This was just a testament to how utterly devastated he felt. His support, his love, his strength was gone from him. Piecing away one at a time.

He’d have to tell Saundra eventually about this child he supposedly had, and then she’d leave him for good. He just knew it. There was no way she’d stick around, and he wouldn’t ask her to. How could he? After being such a screw up for so long, and then to suddenly dump a child and four years of child support on top of his perpetual unemployment? Who would stay?

The emotions started to rise from the void in his chest up to his face again, and he shoved it down with anger. Slamming his palm against the bar to get the bartender’s attention he called out, “Come on! What are you serving them, the whole bar?”

“I’m only saying this once, buddy,” the bartender called back. “Shut it and wait quietly, or get the hell out.”

Miles opened ups hands, ready for a fight, ready for any excuse to not think about the imminent loss of Saundra. “It’s not my fault you’re taking forever. If this place was a desert I’d be dead already.”

“What jerks,” a man said as he took a seat beside Miles at the bar. “Am I right?”

“Seriously,” Miles said. The anger, while a momentary distraction, was also driving off his buzz. Futilely he tipped back the empty beer bottle, hoping for a last few drops still in there but all he got was a touch of foam against the tip of his tongue.

The stranger set a beer down in front of Miles. “Here you go, have one on me.”

Miles set down the empty bottle and snatched up the fresh one without a word. He took a long pull from the bottle, needing the alcohol in his system, needing that coolness to wash through his stomach.

“Thanks,” he said belatedly after taking a few breaths.

“No problem,” the man said. “I always order two. I tend to go through my first pretty quickly and I don’t like having to wait for the second.”

“I’ll get you back as soon as he finishes up whatever he’s doing,” Miles said, raising his voice as he neared the end of the sentence so that he could be heard on the other side of the bar.

“Don’t worry about it. You seem like you could use it more than me. Troubles with the wife?”

“Sorta,” Miles said, taking another drink. The addition of the new beer reminded his body it was already loaded up with beer and his buzz started to come back. “Money troubles. It’ll lead to woman troubles.”

“Ahh,” the man said knowingly and took a drink from his own beer. “Ain’t that always the way it goes?”

Miles tilted his head, contemplating the bottle he was drinking. As it was he was spending money that wasn’t his just to pay for these drinks. Knowing he was doing that filled him with such horrific guilt, all it did was thrust him deeper into the abyss.

Maybe it was the man’s willingness to listen, or maybe Miles just couldn’t take it anymore, but he started talking. He told the man about his childhood, fighting all through his adulthood, and now trying so hard to be a person and just failing. Utterly. He even told him about finding out about the kid and knowing he was going to lose Saundra when all of that came out.

“What if money wasn’t an issue?” the man asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s say I could help. If you were making money, do you think it’d help smooth things out?”

“I…” The possibility had never occurred to Miles for even a second. Now just to entertain the notion was almost frightening for him. He gave a slight jerk of his head. “Maybe. What are you, like a loan shark or something?”

The man laughed. “I’m not talking about loaning you money. Even if I were a loan shark, you just told me you wouldn’t be able to pay me back. In the end I’d just be losing money and I’d have to break your legs in the process. More work for me. No, I’m talking about you working and earning yourself some money. Good money.”

Could this solve everything? Miles looked at his new friend and sized him up. He was obviously a guy that knew how to handle himself. Whatever this job is, it wasn’t going to be something as simple as computer tech support or customer service.

Still, whatever he offered, if it kept him from losing everything he loved in his life, everything he’d worked so hard to achieve, he owed it to himself, to his future to at least consider it.

 

Saundra had her forehead propped against her hand, her elbow wedged against the car door as she drove. Miles sat in the passenger seat, watching the scenery go by. It was noon, and she honestly wasn’t sure if he was drunk this early in the day, or if he was simply still drunk from the night before.

They were on their way to her sister’s house. It was her nephew’s sixth birthday. All of her family was going to be there, and the last thing she wanted was for them to see Miles like this. They never approved of him in the first place, but to see him drunk this early in the day, the hell that she was going to get for it…

Saundra wasn’t sure she could take it. She was already filled with anxiety about life as it was. Now she was in a near panic about how the day was going to go.

“I’m not going to lie,” she said, her emotions getting the better of her, “I really wish you’d stayed home.”

“I’m not going to miss Jimmy’s birthday. I’m fine, I promise.”

“You’re not fine! You reek and you’re obviously drunk. How am I going to explain it?”

“Don’t explain anything. I’m not your problem. We’re going for your nephew, so maybe just stay focused on that and not how I’m going to embarrass you. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment, but this is the best I got, okay?”

“You look like trash. You haven’t shaved in days, and I’m positive I’ve seen you in those pants for the last three days now.”

“Keep talking. I’m going to be thinking real hard about what you’re saying, so when I don’t respond, it’s not because I’m ignoring you, it’s just because I know you’re so right that I’m dumbed to silence.”

Saundra rolled her eyes and snarled. This was going to be a nightmare.

After pulling up to the house, purple, blue and green balloons and streamers lined the front of the house, three balloons tied to the mailbox.

Saundra got out of the car, opening the door to the back seat to pull out Jimmy’s birthday present. When she looked back, Miles was walking up the drive. She paused to watch each step he took. He wasn’t exactly steady, but he wasn’t wobbling like crazy either. They may be able to get through the day.

Miles waited at the door for her, but didn’t look at her as she walked up the drive.

“Ready?” she asked him. He just gave a smirk and opened the door.

When they came in through the door, a group of people chatting by the door greeted them cheerfully. After a few hugs, Saundra went over to the table stacked with all the other gifts. Miles followed along behind her, uncomfortable but determined to put a smile on his face. She appreciated that he was at least making the effort, but all she could think was that it would have been so much easier if he’d just stayed home.

“What’s the theme of this party? Diarrhea?”

“Miles!” Saundra whispered harshly.

“I’m sorry, but look at the colors. The kid’s six. There should be superheroes or dinosaurs or something.”

“Maybe these are his favorite colors,” she tried, but even as she said it she knew that wasn’t true. He loved the color red.

“You made it,” her sister cried out from the kitchen and came over for a hug. Mom and Dad followed over, giving her hugs and stiff handshakes to Miles.

Fortunately Miles was polite, keeping that plastic smile on his face. She knew how he felt about her family. In all fairness it was in direct response to how they felt about him. Miles had a good heart, but he didn’t do well when people disrespected him. After their first meeting and the grilling her parents gave him, it’d been bad blood ever since. Now the best they could do was smile and get through the uncomfortable moments they had to be in the same room together, but they did it for her sake.

“Everything looks great,” Saundra said to her sister.

“Oh thank you. Yeah, don’t you love the way the colors really bring out the wallpaper?”

“I had no idea Jimmy was so into interior decorating,” Miles said and smiled to everyone. “If you’ll excuse me.”

The smile faded just a bit from her sister’s mouth. It didn’t disappear entirely, but more shifted from genuine excitement to polite manners. “I have to check on the cake,” her sister said, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before leaving.

“I see Miles is as pleasant as ever,” Mom said, giving him one last glance as he made his way out to the backyard where all of the kids were playing.

“Mom, be nice. He’s here for Jimmy. You know how he loves him.”

“We should all be so lucky,” Mom said, then turned on a bright smile. “You know, Nancy’s son is in from town and—“

“Goodbye, Mom,” Saundra said sharply. Mom sighed and put up her hands and walked away.

“Pumpkin,” Dad said, “she means well.”

“She does that every time. I really don’t need it right now. I really don’t need it right now.”

Dad’s entire countenance shifted to one of concern. Now and forever, the way he loved her made her feel so warm and secure. She would always be a daddy’s girl. “What’s the matter? Things not going well?”

She sighed heavily, torn between if it would be right to talk about it or not. The last thing she wanted was to give her family more ammo for not liking Miles, but at the same time, she always felt like she could tell Dad anything.

“I don’t really want to get into it here, but no, not really. Miles lost his job again.”

“Again? Isn’t that like the third one?”

Saundra grimaced. “We went right by third back in May.”

“Oh pumpkin, I’m sorry. What happened?”

Saundra threw up a frustrated hand. “I don’t know. Dad, I really don’t understand. I’ve never met anyone so unlucky with this stuff. He had some guy coming at him, and he had to fight to defend himself and got fired. It was the same thing at the job before that, and the one before that he was sticking up for someone else.”

“Can’t blame the guy for standing up for himself,” Dad said helpfully.

“No, I know, but it doesn’t help when rent is due.”

Dad rubbed her upper arms comfortingly. “Do you need some help, pumpkin? I know you’ve got a lot of pride, and I’m not trying to step on any toes, but the stress of money can really make it difficult to get through things sometimes. I can already tell you and Miles are strained.”

Saundra’s brows pressed together. “You can tell that?”

Dad gave a sad little smile. “You know how I feel about Miles. But, he always made you happy, so I supported you regardless. You’re always all smiles around one another, thick as thieves. Right now it seems like you can’t wait to get away from one another.”

The tears threatened to come fast and loose and she bit her lip to try and control herself. “Things are really hard on us right now. He’s pulling away, daddy, and I don’t know why. I think it’s the job thing, but he won’t talk to me.” She choked out a sob and put the side of her fist against her mouth to try and stifle any more. “He always talks to me.”

Dad made a sympathetic sound in his throat and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry. I know it can be hard when that happens. It feels like a part of you isn’t there anymore. A leg you’ve always stood on suddenly can’t support your weight and you wonder if you’ll ever be able to walk again.”

How was it he always knew exactly what to say? She clung to her daddy and held him as she let herself cry just a little, just to release some of the pressure.

“Look, I’ll help you for a bit until you guys get on your feet again. You don’t have to tell him it’s from me. I’m not looking to hurt anyone’s pride. Is he looking for another job still?”

Saundra nodded. “His job history is making it hard though.”

“Let me get his number from you before you guys go. I’ll see what I can do at the store. I might be able to get him something.”

Saundra pulled away and looked up into his face. “Do you think you could?”

“I can’t make any promises right now, but let me look into it and see what I can do.”

Saundra sighed, already feeling lighter. “Oh daddy, that would be so helpful. Thank you.”

Dad kissed her on the top of the head and gave her hair a quick ruffle. “Anything for my pumpkin.”

“I’m going to go see what he’s getting into.”

Dad nodded and she went out to the backyard. When she’d first glanced out the windows when they had come in, it had been full of children all running and playing moments before.

Now they were all gathered at the far end of the yard. Miles sat on the edge of the garden box, a beer next to him. Where had he gotten the beer? Her sister rarely had alcohol in the house. Had he actually brought beer with him and she didn’t know about it? The kids surrounded him in a half-circle, all giggling and watching with awe.

“…but it’s not in this hand anymore. It’s on your pocket,” Miles said, pointing to a boy beside him.

The boy quickly checked his pockets and pulled something out of it, though at her distance Saundra couldn’t see what it was. The crowd of small kids were wowed and clapped. Miles took the object back, made a few exaggerated hand motions, then held up both hands wide open and the kids all made sounds of surprise.

“Where did it go?” Miles asked them.

A few of the kids giggled, while those in front all tried to figure out who had it.

Miles pointed to a girl in the back. “She has it, but it’s invisible.”

The girl in the back, who Saundra could tell was the quiet type, gasped.

“Reach into your pocket and show everyone.”

The little girl reached into the front pocket of her overalls and held out an empty hand.

“There, do you see it?” Miles asked them excitedly.

Some of the kids said they didn’t but most played along claiming they could.

“Throw it back to me,” Miles said, clapping his hands and then holding them up.

The little girl, she couldn’t have been more than seven, reared her hand back and threw the invisible thing at him. Miles made a show of diving to catch the object, and then held his open hand for all the kids to see, and they all cheered.

“Nice arm,” Miles praised her, then gave a small toss. She caught the object – Saundra could now see it was a coin, probably a quarter – and grinned at Miles.

“If you guys can find me balloons I can make you some animals,” Miles said.

The kids all hollered excitedly and split off in every direction to find him some balloons. Miles chuckled as he watched them all go and took a drink of his beer.

Jimmy stayed by him, and Miles put an arm around the boy and give him a hug. “Happy birthday, buddy.”

Saundra’s heart filled with such warmth that it pushed out everything else. There was the man she’d fallen in love with. That, right there, was the warm, caring man she knew he could always be. She didn’t know what they were going through, but with a little of her dad’s help, she was sure they could pull through.

 

Miles lied on the couch, one foot propped up on the arm as he watched TV. Saundra wouldn’t be home from work for a few hours yet, so he was soaking up the silence before heading out to the bar again. She seemed happier ever since the birthday party, and he didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. That meant just avoiding interaction if at all possible until he could figure a way out of all this.

He was glad she was in a better place emotionally, but it made him feel terrible at the same time. Not only was he the one to thrust her into misery, but he also had nothing to do with making her feel better. Always he’d been her comfort, her rock, her safe place. He knew he hadn’t cheered her up because they hadn’t said more than two words to one another since all this started.

It was probably her family that had made her so happy. Good for them. Good for her. They hated him, and probably talked crap behind his back, but whatever. If it cheered her up, good. He wasn’t doing it, so he wasn’t going to get in the way of her being happy.

His cell rang with another unfamiliar number. It wasn’t the same as the child support one. This number was local. Taking a risk that it was from one of the applications he’d turned in, he answered it.

“Hi, Miles? It’s Roger, Saundra’s father. I was wondering if you could come into the office today. I wanted to have a talk with you, man to man.”

It felt like every organ inside of Miles imploded and he sank into the void they left. “Sure,” Miles said, the word barely escaping the strain in his throat. “Be happy to.”

“Great,” Roger said. “See you in an hour?”

“Yep.”

After hanging up, Miles groaned and shoved his face into the couch cushion. What the hell was this all about now? After getting dressed, he hopped onto his bike and rode downtown to the man’s office building. Miles couldn’t remember exactly what it was her dad did, but he knew he worked for one of the high-end department stores. Miles was pretty sure he was a manager or CEO or something.

The rumble of his bike’s engine echoed in the parking structure as he climbed the levels slowly. Parking on the roof level, he kept his helmet under his arm as he walked through the glass encased walkway linking the parking structure with the department store.

The city hustled and bustled below him, and it gave him a touch of vertigo as he walked along, staring down. All it would take was one little earthquake. The whole thing would snap, and down he’d go. There wasn’t anything to hold onto, nothing nearby he could hope to catch himself on. Just a hundred feet or more of air, and then splat on the street below.

He gave a shudder at the thought of impact and walked a little faster across the bridge to the building. The inside of the office smelled sterile. It was a pristine environment meticulously manufactured, like a terrarium for a lizard or something. Miles was used to the smells of cleaning chemicals, or engine exhaust, or food. Something pungent to remind the employees exactly where it was they were working.

Not here though. It smelled of new carpet and almost fresh pain, and paper. A ton of paper. People in suits and business casual button-ups and khakis walked along the cubicles as they answered phones and delivered manila folders to one another’s desk.

Miles found the elevator and went up the last few floors to the executive level. The smell of sterility was even worse here, only it was far less populated. Two voices chatted quietly around the corner. Other than that, nothing.

Miles walked along the hall to the reception area where a young blonde sat with half a headset.

“Can I help you?” she asked, giving him the eye.

Miles leaned an elbow on her desk. “Hey there. I’m here to see Roger.”

“Rog—“ she said, confused, then her face changed expressions when she realized he was talking about her boss. Obvious she was not on a first name basis with Roger. After talking over the little intercom, she smiled to him. “He’ll see you now, go right in.”

Miles winked and walked through the large, polished double-doors. Far wall was nothing but windows, and the view up there was even more severe than the one over the bridge.

“Wow,” Miles said.

“You like it?” Roger asked, smiling. He came around his desk and held a hand out to Miles.

After a quick handshake, Miles noted, “You get to look out at that every day.”

“It never gets old, either. Have a seat.”

Miles sat in the plush leather chair in front of Roger’s desk and rested his motorcycle helmet on his lap. Roger raised a leg to half-sit on his desk and interlocked his fingers in front of him.

“We’re both grown adults here,” Roger started, “so in the interest of mutual respect, I want to cut through all the bull. I’ll be straight with you, and you be straight with me. Deal?”

“Straight with you?” Miles asked, already feeling testy. “Like, the fact that your wife is constantly trying to setup my girlfriend with other men?”

Roger took in a deep breath, then slowly said, “Yes. That.”

“Sure, Roger. I can be straight with you.” Bring it on, old man, Miles thought. He’d hate to have to throw Saundra’s dad out the window to plummet down to—

Miles cut off that thought and shook his head. No, he couldn’t have those thoughts, not about Roger. The pain it would cause Saundra was immeasurable. If nothing else, he couldn’t do that to her.

“I know you’re having trouble finding a job. I wanted to offer you one here.”

“Excuse me?” For a moment, Miles couldn’t process what he’d heard. He thought back to all of the people in their cubicles, and the blonde at the desk that didn’t know his name was Roger.

“I checked through our records and it looks like we could use a receiver in our warehouse. It’s manual labor, like you’re good at. The pay is decent, and there’s a lot of room for development and growth down there. Do well, and you’ll climb the ladder in no time.”

“Like I’m good at?” Miles asked, trying to keep the fury out of his voice and knowing he failed.

Roger, for his part, seemed confused by this. The arrogant prick.

“Well, yes. Saundra’s told me of some of the jobs you’ve had in the past. You seem very physically inclined. I didn’t think you’d be happy in a cubicle. Was I mistaken?”

“Ya know what, Rog?” Miles said, standing up. He wanted to beat Roger in the skull with his motorcycle helmet. Because of that desire, he kept the helmet tucked snuggly against his body. “Thanks but no thanks.”

“Now wait a second. I don’t think you’re in a position to be able to turn this down.”

“I don’t need your charity, Roger! I can find a job on my own.”

“Calm down, son. That’s not what this is.”

“I’m not your son,” Miles said, poking Roger in the chest with a finger. “I know what you think of me, looking down on me like you do. You know what your wife does and you’ve never tried to stop her, because you agree with her.”

“Miles, think—“

“No, you shut it! Do you have any idea what I had to go through as a child? Fighting against the opinions and judgements of pompous arrogant jerks just like you and your pig-faced wife? Do you have any idea what it’s like for a ten-year-old to have to claw out his own existence? I’ll tell you this Rog-er: I’ve always survived on my own strength, on my own terms. I’ve gotten this far without your handouts, and I’ll keep making it through without them.”

“You’re making a mistake here,” Roger said.

“The only mistake I made was wasting the gas coming down here.”

Miles marched from the office. He paced the small space in the elevator, doing his damnedest not to shatter the mirrored walls. He needed to break something. He needed to hurt someone. The pain in his chest was too real, too violent. It needed out, and it needed out now. He couldn’t just hit something solid, he needed to feel something break under his fists, to know that he broke it.

As he marched through the rest of the office to the glass walkway toward the parking lot, he remembered all of those people in his life telling him he was worthless. All of them saying he’d never make it.

He proved them wrong. Now he’d prove Saundra’s parents wrong. They thought he couldn’t do this on his own.

He’d show them!

Saundra sat at her desk grading papers. School had been out for the last hour, but she had to get this done before getting back home. After the birthday party she felt better about Miles. She was still anxious, but it wasn’t as bad. They’d make it through. She’d gotten some money from her dad and paid up some bills, so she felt the relief from that.

Her cell phone lit up, catching her eye. She kept it silent, not even the vibration on so that it didn’t go off during class. When she checked it, she saw it was her father calling. A little thrill went through her as she remembered he said he was going to talk to Miles about a job today. “Hi Daddy.”

“Saundra, you know I love you.”

“I-I know.” She put the pen down and leaned back in her chair. His tone of voice was one he saved for piano movers after they dropped it out of the third story window.

“I don’t want you seeing Miles anymore.”

“Daddy!”

“Now listen to me! I have never forbidden you from seeing anyone in your life, and I’m not doing it now, but damnit if I don’t tell you he is bad news. You’ve stood by him. I know you see something in him nobody else sees, but at this point, I have to believe that all you see in him is a delusion.”

“How can you say that? He and I have been together for years. Why this all of a sudden?”

“I invited your boyfriend to my office to offer him a job. He all but threw me out of a window for it! He went on about how it was charity and he didn’t need my handouts. I thought you said he was desperate?”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After everything she went through for him, and he would spit in her father’s face like this? “He is. I have no idea why he would turn you down like this.”

“Some people are dealt a bad hand and make the best of it, darling. And some people struggle because they bring it on themselves. I know you love him, but he is a drag on your life. He’ll only ever bring you down.”

“Daddy, please, I can’t hear this, not right now.”

“The fact that you can’t hear it is why I have to say it! Do you think I would be coming to you with all of this if you were happy? How many jobs has he had? Can you imagine having children in this situation? How much worse would it be with all of his drinking?”

Saundra leaned forward, propping her elbow on her desk and cradling her forehead in her hand. “Please don’t tell me he was drunk.”

“It came off of him like a vapor. I’m surprised he could walk.”

“He’s been depressed,” she said weakly. “He’s just… he’s trying to work through things.”

“Drinking is a helluva way to do it. I’m telling you, I’ll help with money because I can’t stand the thought of my daughter living in poverty, but I can’t support your relationship with him anymore. I want you to end it.”

“Thank you for your concern, but this is my life.”

“I know, and I raised my daughters to think for themselves. But sweetie, this is not a man that’s worth the sacrifices you’re making.”

“Goodbye, Dad.”

After a gruff noise, he hung up.

She dropped the phone and held her head in both hands. How could Miles do this to her? She’d done everything for him, and he couldn’t just take the damn job? She looked down at the papers and couldn’t possibly think about doing any more work for the day.

It was the most stressful drive home she’d ever experienced since being with Miles. Would he be home? If he wasn’t, she was sure it’d meant he was out drinking again. Of course, if he was, she was positive they were going to have a fight. As she thought about it more and more, she realized she wanted that fight. She’d been standing by him, resolute, supportive through everything. He’s been going out drinking, spending money they didn’t have, and now he refused a job they both knew he needed. She realized when visualizing the fight, fantasizing about the arguments they would have, she needed to yell at him.

She’d just lost her father’s support of their relationship. Even if he never really approved of Miles himself, he’d always supported them. With that gone, it was her versus her family, and she didn’t even have Miles to lean on now. She’d be damned if she was going to take this quietly!

When Saundra walked in through the front door, she found him sitting on the couch, watching TV, a beer on his hand. She didn’t even pretend to care. Her blood practically boiling in her veins, she tossed her purse and coat to the floor and slammed the door closed. Miles jumped, obviously not expecting hostility from her. He looked up at her, sizing her up. Every ounce of her was ready for this.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” she screamed at him. “My father offers you a job, and you refuse?”

“Real nice,” he said, shaking his head. “Welcome home. I’m fine, how’re you?”

“No, we’re not playing this game. I’m done treating you like the wounded victim. How long have you been drunk today, Miles? Where’d you get the money for that beer?”

“You want it?” he said and dramatically set it on the coffee table beside here. “Here, all yours.”

“I don’t drink beer!” Saundra shrieked, her fists thrust down at her sides, her eyes squeezed shut.

“The hell is your problem?” he asked as he stood up from the couch. She followed him through their apartment on his way to the bedroom.

“My problem? My problem is you yelling at my father.”

“Your dad can suck it. I don’t need his handouts.”

“Yes you do, Miles!”

He turned and looked at her, stricken.

“You don’t have a job. You stopped looking for a job. You’re spending our bill money on booze.”

“I don’t need to be mothered by you.” He pulled on his boots but didn’t lace them, and threw on a jacket.

“Where are you going?” she asked him, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Out.”

“I swear to God if you spend any money on anything tonight, I’m calling the bank and canceling your card.” She was so terrified of losing him, she started shivering. Adrenaline and fear ran through her blood, chilling her. He looked at her, his expression clear that he wanted to argue more, but instead he just raised a hand as if to stop her from saying anything else.

“I have a job. That’s why I didn’t take your dad’s.”

“What?” This was the first she was hearing about it. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take it.” He looked her up and down, as if appraising her and finding her wanting. “Now it’s clear I don’t have a choice. It’ll be fine now. I’ll have money. Everything will be fine.”

“Miles, wait, talk to me. What’s the job?”

He straightened the collar out on his jacket. “I think we’re both done talking for tonight.” On his way out the door he called out, “Don’t wait up for me.”

Saundra stood in the hallway, alone, listening to the rumble of his motorcycle as he took off down the street. Even after all of the yelling and slamming of doors, she didn’t feel any better.

 

Miles ordered another shot of whiskey and a fresh beer. He looked ahead and focused on the label of the bottle in front of him, but his vision barely shifted. Not even a decent buzz. He blew air out between his lips and wondered when the liquor was going to hit his system. He could really use the numbness right about now.

It was happening, he was losing Saundra. It was about the time he’d have to tell her about the kid. Miles rubbed the side of his face roughly with the palm of his hand, as if he could sand away the anxiety boiling just under the skin. The bartender appeared with the beer and the shot glass.

As he filled the shot, Miles drank his beer while his knee bounced below. He couldn’t sit still. This was it, everything was falling apart. Now that he was actually faced with it happening, he didn’t know what he was going to do. It was one thing to fear it, another to expect it, and something else entirely for it to actually happen. He was panicking.

“Hey there partner,” the familiar man said as he took the seat beside Miles. “You look in particular rough straits. Everything all right?”

Miles shook his head reflectively. “It’s really not, man. It’s really not. It’s happening. I’m losing everything. My whole life is slipping away and I can’t stop it.”

“Hey, hey,” the guy said quickly, rubbing Miles back between his shoulder blades. “Calm down, man. It’s okay. Have you given any thought to my offer?”

Miles’ tongue flicked out over his lips and he couldn’t stop flexing his fingers into a fist. “Yeah, actually. That’s why I came. I was hoping to run into you.”

“Yeah?” The guy took a drink of his beer, as his second sat frosty and untouched in front of him.

“Yeah, and if it’s still available, I’d like the work. I need money. I can’t let this happen.”

The man slapped the top of the bar and laughed. “Fantastic! When can you start?”

Miles shrugged. “When do you need me to?”

“Hey, if you need money right now, I got some things I could use your help with.”

“Well I can’t tonight,” Miles said, and picked up the beer bottle to show to the guy. “I’ve kinda been drinking already.”

The man leaned in with a decidedly wicked smile. “Even better. C’mon, I’ll take you to your first job. Bring your beer.”

Then, right before Miles’ eyes, the man tipped back one beer mug, and then the other. He drank both beers without even needing to swallow, like something out of a TV commercial or something.

Miles followed him out the front door to his car. After getting in, Miles thought nervously about the fact he had an open beer in the car, but if the guy didn’t care, he wasn’t going to say anything.

As he buckled in, Miles said, “You know, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t think we were ever introduced. I’m going to be working for you, and I don’t even know your name. I’m Miles.” He held out his hand.

“Maybe that’s for the best,” the man said, and shook Miles’ hand. “For now, just call me Boss.”

“Boss? Uh, yeah. Sure.” This was already sounding bad. Crap. What was he getting into? “So where to, Boss?”

Boss drummed his fingers on the steering wheel for a moment in thought and then started the car. “I’m going to start you with something big. If you pull it off, it’ll prove to you I’m for real. If you can’t, well, then you’re obviously not the man for the job anyway.”

Miles was reaching emotional overload. His anxiety over losing Saundra was becoming muted by his fear of the situation he was entering. “Okay. Let’s do this then.”

Boss gave him a crooked half smile. “Don’t you want to know what the job is?”

“I’m not concerned, but go for it.”

Boss pulled onto the street and started driving. “There’s a man that owes me money. He’s owed me money for a long time now. I’ve been nice about it, because I knew he didn’t have it and he was trying to get it. I just found out that he’s had it for the last three days and instead of paying me, he’s planning on putting it all down on a game. That’s my money.” Boss stabbed his own chest sharply. “You get the money from him, and you can have a quarter of it.”

“So you are a loan shark,” Miles said.

“I never said I wasn’t. I just said I wasn’t going to loan you any money.”

How could he get out of this? Loan sharks, illegal stuff, this was getting too deep. That job with Saundra’s dad was looking more and more attractive. But he couldn’t go crawling back now! He yelled at her dad, yelled at her. He said he had a plan. If he went back now begging for help, how much worse would that look? Especially since he hadn’t even told her about the kid yet! No, he had to fix this first and come back to her with results. He hated this, but he couldn’t think of anything else. It was all so damn unfair! He took a drink of his beer.

“How much does he owe you? Hundred bucks?”

Boss laughed. It was a hoarse sound filled with a mirthless joy. “I said I wasn’t going to send you after the small stuff. He owes me ten grand.”

Miles choked on the little beer that was still in his mouth. “A quarter of that is—“

“Yes Miles, I know how much a quarter of ten grand is.”

“So I get him to pay you…”

“However you want. Use your imagination. Get creative. Show me you can do this.”

“Twenty-five hundred,” Miles whispered to himself.

That was two month’s pay at any of the other pathetic places he’d worked at, and here he could earn it in one night. Maybe the alcohol was kicking in, or maybe he was just so desperate to do right by Saundra and finally bring home any real amount of money, but his fear was fading by the minute.

“So, you in?” Boss asked.

“Yeah,” Miles said, and down the rest of his beer. “Hell yeah.”

“Good, because we’re here. Another reason I wanted to start with this one: he’s closest to the bar.” He gave a chuckle, but Miles knew there was no humor in that sound.

He and Boss went up the two flights to the man’s apartment. Boss had Miles stand to the side of the door so that the guy wouldn’t be able to see him through the peep hole. When the guy answered, he put on a big smile for Boss, and Miles lost it. A pent up frustrated anger that he didn’t realize was there exploded out of him. This man stood between him and payday.

Miles burst from the side of the door, grabbed the man by the shirt, and threw him back into the apartment. The guy was big, but caught off guard. Two other guys were sitting in the living room. It looked like they were all hanging out, eating nachos and watching the game. Had Miles been a bit more aware of the situation, he would’ve assessed the environment before starting a fight, made a plan. Too late now.

The two guys were on their feet in a second. Reacting purely on instinct borne of years of fighting for survival, Miles grabbed up a beer bottle and smashed it into the face of the guy to his left. Then, bending down, he picked up a small TV dinner tray by the legs an smashed it into the head of the other guy. The TV dinner tray was light, the legs made out of glorified tin or something.

At first the guy was annoyed, but Miles just kept beating him with it, over and over. As the guy put up his arms to defend himself, the cheap metal bars bent, and in doing so, bypassed his arms, still hitting him in the head. By the time he went down, Miles laid in a few kicks to put him out of commission, and then turned back to the first guy. Boss was laughing from behind him and clapped slowly.

“Bravo! I am impressed.”

“His money,” Miles said, panting. He couldn’t see straight he was so furious. “Get it now.”

“Y-yeah,” the guy said, glancing to his friends quickly, then hurried down the hall.

“I’d follow him,” Boss said. “You don’t want to risk that he’s going for a gun.”

Miles sprinted down the hall after the man without a moment’s thought. Fortunately, the guy wasn’t going for a gun. He stood up from the closet holding a leather satchel filled with cash.

“Here, take it, that’s all of it. I swear.”

Miles grabbed the man by the hair on the back of his head and ushered him back down the hall toward Boss. Throwing him to the floor, Miles was still reading to beat someone to death. He hadn’t felt this kind of fear driven anger in a long time, and now that it was there, he was both afraid and grateful for the familiarity of it. It wasn’t a good place to be back to, but if it could save him just one more time, he’d welcome it.

Boss looked through the bills for a moment, then gave the man a pat on the head. “There you go. I knew you’d do the right thing. You be sure and tell your friends about me, and what happens if you plan to cross me. Next time, I’ll have my man here throw you off the roof.”

Boss gave Miles a nod of the head and they left the apartment. It was an exhilarating and agonizingly slow ten minutes as Boss insisted on counting out the money right there in the car. The guy could’ve called the cops, anything, but Boss seemed confident that wasn’t going to happen.

He placed what seemed like a mountainous stack of cash on Miles’ lap. “Twenty-five hundred, as agreed.”

Miles’ hands shook as he picked up a stack and ran his thumb over the tips of the bills. He’d never felt more satisfied or joyful in his life. The savior of all of his problems was in his hands, literally in between the skin of his palms. Everything was going to be okay now.

“So what do you say, Miles? You want more?”

Miles squeezed the stack in his hands. He could buy her a new car, pay off all their bills. They could save, maybe buy house. He could pay off all that child support without Saundra even knowing about it. He could save his own life. It was about time he put everything terrible about his childhood to good use, instead of letting it get in the way of him having a decent life. If this was what he was good at, he had to embrace that.

“Hell yeah,” he said.

Boss gave him a satisfied smirk and threw the car into drive. It was going to be a long night.

Saundra sat in the car, mentally bracing herself to walk in the apartment. Miles’ bike was parked in the usual spot, which meant he was home. He was passed out on the couch when she woke up to go to work that morning, and no amount of noise or light roused him. Even just sitting there, he smelled of old cheap beer and cigarettes. He was sinking, and she couldn’t stop him. She hated to admit it, but her father may have been right. Was this what her life had become? Was she about to lose the only man she’d really ever loved? She knew Miles could be worth all of the effort she was giving him, but it just seemed like he’d just given up. If he wasn’t going to even try anymore, was she a good girlfriend for sticking by his side, or just stupid? She wanted to believe in him, to support him, but for the first time in her life she was terrified she was becoming one of those women who stayed in a relationship they should’ve left ages ago.

Checking her eyes in her rear view mirror to make sure it didn’t look like she’d been crying for the last twenty minutes, she sniffed, cleared her throat, and put on a smile. Fake it ‘till you make it. She picked up her bag and walked into their home. When she saw him sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching TV, she was expecting another fight. She expected more shouting, and defensiveness. This would be it. She realized at that moment she couldn’t live a life that was this stressful.

Closing the door slowly but firmly, she set her bag down in the usual spot beside the couch. “Miles,” she started.

He pointed to the end of the coffee table. “That’s for you. It’s rent.”

“I…” She blinked and noticed the stack of cash. How had she missed that? Saundra walked to the end of the coffee table and picked up the money. “Your half?” A quick count proved it was far more than that.

“Nope,” he said, swigging his beer. “Rent.”

“Where…?”

“I told you, I had a plan. I have a job. Pays well, too.”

“I can see that.” She was afraid to feel relieved, but here was the money. He even seemed calmer, as though he was settled inside and just waiting for her reaction. He did come through on what he said he was going to do, after all. Maybe he wasn’t giving up. If he wasn’t giving up, she wasn’t going to give up on him. “I’m proud of you.”

She set down the money and sat the couch beside him.

He turned to face her. Everything in his face seemed more relaxed. This wasn’t the high strung man she’d been living with for months.

“You seem happy,” she said. “What’s the job?”

His eyes flickered to the side for just a moment. “Private security.”

She knew that look. It was the flicker she’d seen cross the eyes of almost every one of her students in every class she’d ever taught. It was the flicker of a lie created.

“Oh,” she said neutrally. “Do you like it?”

“It’s not that hard, really,” he said and took another drink. “Plus, can’t argue with that money.”

He gave a small laugh, and she found herself laughing along with him. It felt good to laugh with him again, to smile and see him smiling at her.

“Saundra,” he said softly, and set the beer down. He picked up her hands and held them, rubbing his thumb along the back of her hands. “I’ve missed you. I’m sorry for everything that’s been going on, for me, but things are different. They’re going to be better now. You’ll see. This is just the beginning.”

“I hope so. I want you to be happy.”

“As long as I have you,” he said, and put a hand to her cheek.

Saundra closed her eyes and breathed, leaning against his hand. She’d missed his hold so much, the gentle way he touched her. She was afraid for him, for what all of this was, but she so desperately wanted things to be better between them that she chose to trust him. She had to.

Warm tears escaped from her eyes and slid down the side of her nose and her cheek. She couldn’t think of a life without him in it, not if there was a way to save everything. She kept her eyes closed as she felt him move on the couch, his lips then touching hers. She reached out and pulled him close to her, kissing him with all of the passionate desperation she felt.

Their hands scrambled across one another, removing their clothes with practiced efficiency. Even after all these years, they still had the passion of two teenagers in the backseat of a car. He was a beautiful man, a fact that had never escaped her. She kept his face close to hers, kissing him repeatedly.

No matter what, she couldn’t stop kissing him. It pushed away all other thought, kept her in the moment. As long as his lips pressed against hers, the world was right. He picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He carried her to the bedroom where he finished removing the last of her clothes. Saundra lied on her back as he worked down her body with his lips.

Her heart beating in her chest, she closed her eyes and focused on his touch, on the sensations running through her body. Deep in the core of her was a black pit of worry for him. Now wasn’t the time. She needed him. He rolled her onto her stomach and climbed on top of her. The press of his warm skin against hers sent a shudder through her. He kissed the side of her neck, around her shoulder to her spine. Firm, practiced fingers went to her shoulders and massaged her stiff muscles. Saundra sighed long and low, resting her forehead against the back of her hands. A relaxation she hadn’t felt in months melted through her.

He worked her shoulders, her upper arms, then ran his thumbs in firm, small circles down her back. She moaned, and the black pit of anxiety disappeared into the back. She didn’t have to try to not think about it anymore, she was completely blind to anything but Miles in that moment.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said softly as he worked out the tension in her lower back. “We’ve had so much going on, and I haven’t been able to appreciate you properly.”

“It’s okay,” she said, her voice a strain against how relaxed she was.

“No, it’s not. You deserve better. I’m going to do better. You’ll see. It’ll all be okay now.”

She lost herself in his touch and just let his words be truth. When he moved and laid himself over her again, this time she felt the tip of his arousal right where it needed to be.

“Hello,” she said, smiling over her shoulder at him.

“Hi,” he whispered back and ran the tip of his nose along the outside edge of her ear.

Then, with a slow gentle push of his hips, they were together. As relaxed as she was, the pleasure sent through her body was met with no resistance. She delighted in the way he made her feel, how safe she felt in his arms. Almost on cue with the thought, he wrapped his arms around the front of her, holding her in an embrace as he made love to her. She leaned her head back against him, moving her hips along with his. She reached her climax first, the tension in her body squeezing against him, bringing on his own.

After coming down and catching their breath, they fell asleep for an afternoon nap in one another’s arms. It was the first time they’d slept peacefully together since all of this started, and Saundra let herself believe everything was going to be okay.

 

Miles sat at the bar, waiting for Boss to arrive to start the night’s work. The last three weeks had been good. Really good. He and Saundra found themselves again and got out from under their debt hole. He hadn’t been up front with how much he’d been making because he wanted to handle some things first. He also never went into more detail about what he was doing for the money.

She only ever gently probed him about it, and when he changed the subject, she let him. He knew she was letting him. Saundra wasn’t an idiot, and he was a terrible liar, but she wanted things to be okay just as much as he did. Thing was, things weren’t okay. Boss was having him do worse and worse things as time went on, and Miles wasn’t liking the person he saw in the mirror every day. It was one thing to let his anger out, but to bring it to the place that he did, to do the things that he’d been doing to those people, it sat in his stomach like a brick.

Miles took a drink of his beer and went over in his mind again what he was going to say to Boss when he showed up. This had to end. He had enough saved up to help pay for things while he found another job. The prospect of working at a pizza joint or even Saundra’s dad was sounding better and better after every night out with Boss. The money was good, no doubt, but it just wasn’t worth the price of his soul.

“Hey there, champ,” Boss said, taking a seat beside Miles. Boss held up to fingers to the bartender then looked back to Miles. “Ready to get busy tonight? I’ve got a to-do list the size of my arm.”

“I can’t do this anymore.” Miles hissed and grit his teeth together. That wasn’t what he meant to say.

“What?” Boss turned in his seat, a bemused smile on his face.

“Sorry, I meant to lead up to that, but it’s out, so screw it. Yeah, I just… Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit, okay?”

Boss laughed. The bartender brought him his beers, and Boss smiled and gave the guy a nod.

“No, that’s not going to happen,” he said as he sipped from his first beer.

Miles took a breath. He didn’t imagine this was going to be easy, but he spent the last three weeks beating people half to death. If that’s what it took to make Boss leave him alone, so be it. He expected nothing less. Mike looked to Boss, ready to smash his beer into the man’s head if it came to that.

“Yes, it is. I’m done.”

Boss, still smiling, pulled his cell phone from his pocket. As he punched a few buttons with his thumb he said, “Do you think you’re the only person under my employ?”

“Excuse me?”

Boss turned his phone to show Miles. It was a picture of Miles’ apartment, a clear shot of Saundra through the window. In the pic she wore the clothes she was wearing when he’d left that day. That was a fresh picture.

“For example, I hire a man, big guy too, to stand outside your place just in case you get uppity.”

“You son of a—“

“Ah, ah, ah,” Boss said warningly. One word from me, and your girlfriend is tragically killed in a home invasion accident.” He quirked his mouth, took a swig of beer, and said, “Or maybe not. I can do worse than murder. Maybe just take her captive and send you pieces.”

Miles could feel the tension in his hand growing and knew if he didn’t loosen his grip, the beer bottle was going to shatter in his hand. “You lay one finger on her…”

“And you’ll do nothing. Which is exactly what you’re going to do right now: nothing. You’re my dog. You do what I say. I don’t pay you to think. Thinking will get your girlfriend killed. Not you, though. You I’ll leave alive. Maybe cut off your hands just to make sure you don’t get any funny ideas, but I’ll leave you handless and alone to simmer in the knowledge that you killed your girlfriend.”

Then his eyes went wide and he gasped. “Maybe I’ll frame you for her murder! Wouldn’t that be delicious? Rotting in prison for the death of your girlfriend. And handless. Ya know, that means you’ll only have one way to keep yourself alive in prison.”

Boss turned his mouth into an “O” and fellated the beer bottle for a moment before taking a swig.

“All right,” Miles said, holding up a hand to block the view. “All right! You win. Just don’t hurt her. Please. I’ll do whatever you want, just leave her alone. She doesn’t have anything to do with this.”

Boss laughed and clapped Miles on the back. “There’s my man. I knew you had it in you.” Standing from his stool, he downed his two beers in two great gulps. “Bring your beer. We’ve got work to do.”

Saundra woke up in the middle of the night needing to go to the bathroom. When she rolled over, Miles wasn’t there. For the first time since they’d made up, he wasn’t home. She checked her clock and saw it was three in the morning. He was always home by then, even when he was out drinking. She went to the bathroom, but couldn’t fall back to sleep. Where could he be? Was he okay?

Anxiety gripped her with fearfully strong fingers. She knew something was wrong. She let herself believe everything was okay, but it wasn’t. He was dead in a ditch somewhere, or got into an accident because he’d been drinking. Her mind raced with possibilities every minute until she heard his keys in the lock. She was out of bed and halfway down the hall by the time he had the door shut.

“Where have you been? Are you okay?”

“Mhm,” he said as he walked past her to the kitchen. No hug, no kiss.

“Miles,” she said to get his attention, but he seemed a thousand miles away.

He walked into the kitchen, looking at the cabinets, the fridge, the oven, but didn’t touch anything. It was as though he didn’t know where he was, or what was happening.

“Miles, talk to me.”

“We’re done.”

“What?” The word left her mouth before she realized she spoke. With his odd behavior, she had no idea what he was talking about. What was done?

“We’re done,” he repeated. “That’s it. I’m leaving.”

“You’re…” Saundra hugged her arms around herself as she tried to process what he was saying. “You just got home. Where are you going?”

Miles rubbed one of his eyes roughly with the palm of his hand and she realized he was crying but trying to not show it. “Saundra, I’m leaving you. We’re done. I’m just grabbing some stuff and then I’m leaving.”

“No you’re not.” After everything they’d gone through she was surprised by her defiant response, but it was as true to who she was as anything she’d ever said. Before, he had been spiraling down, satisfied to let his life dissolve into nothing. Now, though, something was wrong. He wasn’t breaking up with her because he was unhappy with her. She could see it all over him, from head to toe. This was a full attitude change in the span of hours. Something had happened.

“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” he said and walked past her. “This just isn’t working out.”

“Bull,” she said, following him down the hallway. “I’m not letting you just leave me. Not now. Not after everything we’ve been through for years. Years, Miles.”

“That’s why I’m leaving! It’s been years. It’s obvious this isn’t going to work out. We should just cut our losses and let that be that.”

“That’s not good enough. That’s not nearly good enough.”

Finally he spun around, throwing his arms out. “What do you want from me?”

“Answers.” She cocked one foot to the side and crossed her arms. She could tell he was upset, but she was expecting anger. In the dark twilight coming from the one light on in the kitchen, what she saw on his face wasn’t anger, but frustration.

“It’s not safe,” he said, his voice breaking. “For your own good, you need to stay as far away from me as possible.”

“Miles, talk to me. What happened?”

“I messed up, Saundra. I messed up bad.”

“Tell me what’s wrong. We can fix it. We’ll work through—“

“No!” He shoved past her and strode down the hall. She called after him, but without looking back, he left the apartment and slammed the door behind him. Saundra flinched at the sound and stood in the relative darkness of the hallway, alone.

Saundra sat at her desk, grading papers. She hadn’t heard from Miles in days. Not a call, not a text, nothing. She’d tried to get in touch with him, but he just sent her right to voicemail. Emails, texts, everything all left read yet unanswered.

She tried calling all of their friends, but none of them had heard from him. If any were lying about it, they were damn good liars. She spent a couple nights going to all of the bars she knew he liked to go to. Nothing. No one had even seen him, or anyone like what she described, come in for a while.

In all her life she’d never felt so lost. It was one thing when they were fighting. He was still there. Now, though, she felt the emptiness that he left behind. When a funny commercial came on, her first instinct was to tell him about it. Now she couldn’t. When she thought of food, sleep, work, anything, he came to mind.

Their lives had been so intrinsically entwined for so long, everything she did involved him or thoughts of him in some way. To be without him was to be without half of her life. All she could do was hope he would get in touch with her again, and get on with her life in the meantime.

Moping at home wouldn’t solve anything, even though she could never quite talk herself into exactly why she had to get out of bed every day. She simply did it because running on autopilot was easier than anything else.

When she got home that day, there was a large manila package waiting in their mailbox. It was addressed to Miles, but the return label had some attorney guy on it. Whatever it was, it would concern both of them. She sat down on the couch and hoped for answers as she tore open the package.

Inside was a mountain of paperwork detailing something about a child and back pay for child support. Could this have been the issue? Did he think she would be mad if she found out? The only thing she was upset about was that he felt he couldn’t trust her with this. After everything they’d been through, this was something actually out of his control. If anything, they could refute the claim and demand a DNA test. Four years was a long time to wait to claim someone as a father. They had to have the right to protest it.

Saundra slapped the papers down on the coffee table and sighed thinking that maybe she was seeing a bigger, clearer picture of what was going on.

Miles shouldered his way into the motel room that had become his home for the last few days. The paper grocery bags crumped as he set them on the small cheap table beside the door. On the table beside the bed, his cell phone rang.

He stopped taking it with him because of all the times Saundra was trying to contact him. She was such an engrained part of his soul, that every time she called, every time the phone lit up with a text from her, it gave his heart a painful thrill. It was getting harder and harder to refuse her. He missed her so desperately it was physically painful. He walked over to the phone and looked down to see a picture of Saundra’s smiling face look up at him. There was that racing of the heart.

He turned away from it and went to put the cans of beans and premade spaghetti against the wall with the other food and cracked open a can of soda. He was trying to cut back on the drinking, despite the fact that all he wanted to do was drink himself into a stupor and never wake up. Instead of just a missed call, the phone lit up again to denote a message.

When he went over to check it again, he saw she left a voicemail. That was new. After a moment’s debate, he decided to listen to it. He’d be able to hear her voice without actually having to talk to her. That was okay, wasn’t it? It wouldn’t hurt anything. He just needed to hear her, to hear that she was okay. Even if she was angry, at least she’d be alive and unhurt.

When her voicemail started, the strength went out of his legs and he plopped onto the edge of the bed. Had her voice always been so sweet? She explained that the package arrived for him. He cringed, expecting her to chew him out but instead she said she wasn’t angry, and she wished he felt he could talk to her about this. Now that she knew, though, she didn’t see why he had to stay gone. If only it was that simple. He hung up without deleting the voicemail, just so he could hear her voice again whenever he wanted.

The phone lit up and rang in his hands. He was so emotional that the sudden action startled him and he nearly dropped the phone. It was Saundra again. He shouldn’t answer it, he knew that, but his thumb hovered over the green button anyway. He couldn’t let her believe that the kid was the only reason he left. She’d be so confused if he didn’t come back now. He couldn’t leave her like that. He sighed and closed his eyes. Lying to himself didn’t help anyone. All he wanted was to hear her voice and to talk to her again. He needed to be grounded. Without her, he waivered in the wind like silk strands.

Answering the call, he held it to his ear, but couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Hi,” she said tentatively.

“Hi.”

“You’re there,” she said, and he could hear the relief in her voice. “Did you listen to my message?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, then you can come home.”

“No,” he said, knowing he shouldn’t have answered this.

“Why?” The pain in her voice was like a razor against his chest.

“Saundra, please, it’s not as simple as that.”

“Can we talk about it? Meet me somewhere if you won’t come home. Just talk to me.”

The word “no” formed in his mind, but he was having difficulty forcing it down to his mouth. He needed to tell her no, he needed to hang up the phone right that instant. “Please.” The tiny, pathetic plea was too much. His will crumbled.

“All right.”

Despite his better judgement, he agreed to meet her later that night in a small restaurant just outside of town. He hoped the location would be far enough away that Boss wouldn’t find out. The last thing Miles wanted to do was put Saundra in danger because of his own selfish need to see her. As he thought about being near her again, the joy in his heart was nearly too much to bear.

It was so ridiculous to be so excited about seeing someone, right? He smiled at his phone after hanging up with her, running his thumb over her picture.

He’d never love anyone again like he loved her. It was a bittersweet truth, but one he had to accept.

 

Saundra idly tore her straw wrapper into tiny pieces as she waited for Miles to show up. When he did, she almost squealed at the sight of him.

He came in, and though he spotted her right away, he kept looking around as though he was looking for her. Even as he walked toward her table, he was looking out the windows and around them. He searched so fervently that it got her looking around, too, as though she could see whatever it was he was looking for.

She stood up to give him a hug, but he purposely pulled out a chair and sat down without touching her. She didn’t bring attention to it. Things right now were so ridiculously delicate that she didn’t want to do anything to start an argument. That wasn’t why she was there. Something was wrong, and she was determined to find out what it was.

“How are you?” she asked him.

He gave a snort and a nervous half smile before picking up the menu and glancing at it. The waitress came by asking for their order before Saundra could say more.

“Yeah, can I get a coffee and a slice of this pie here?” Miles said, pointing at the bottom of the menu.

“Yep,” the waitress said, smiling to Saundra. “And for you?”

“Uhh, coffee, I guess.”

“You don’t want anything to eat?” Miles asked her.

“I’m not hungry, Miles.”

The waitress smiled, obviously ignoring the tension between them. “Great, I’ll get that for you.”

Miles set down the menu, drummed his fingers against it and looked out the window again.

“Who are you looking for, Miles?”

“Things are not okay,” he said. He turned and looked at her, and for the first time, she could see the fear in his eyes. “I started working for a man. A bad man. I didn’t realize how bad until I tried to stop. When I did, he threatened to…” Miles looked away, then down at the table. “He threatened you.”

“That’s why you left.”

He nodded. “That’s why I left.”

Saundra opened her mouth, but the waitress was back with the coffee and his pie. She wanted to ask him more, but didn’t know what exactly she wanted to know.

She watched him prep his coffee and stir it around. He took a bite of the pie, but the motion seemed entirely mechanical, no joy or hunger in it at all.

“Why?” Out of everything she could’ve asked, that was what she needed to know the most. “Why did you start working for him, Miles? This was after my father offered you a job, right? Why didn’t you just take the damn job!”

“Hardly matters now,” he said around a mouthful of pie.

“I think now is when it matters the most. Look at us, Miles. We’re meeting in some clandestine diner outside of town? I haven’t seen you in days. I think right now is exactly when it matters.”

He sighed and set down the fork as he chewed the bite of pie and took a sip of his coffee. Folding his arms to rest his elbows on the table, he avoided eye-contact as he said, “There’s really no point in defending anything I’ve done. I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I couldn’t hold a job, that I couldn’t do anything right. When I found out about the kid and the child support, I… I lost it. I was convinced I was going to lose you. It was the straw to break your back, as it were.”

He rubbed his face with a hand, as though he could wipe away the shame, but it was still on his face, clear as anything. It made her want to hold him and make the world fall away.

“To top it off, I knew I couldn’t get a job otherwise. Your dad’s offer was nice. I’ve had time to think about how I reacted, and I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sorry, okay? I get what he was doing, but at the time, I was just so lost in my despair. I was furious that I needed his help, which made me want to refuse it on principle. If I was going to be worthy of you, worthy to myself, I needed to get this fixed myself. So, I started working for a guy that promised me a lot of money.”

Saundra reached across the table and took his hand. “Come home, Miles. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together. I’m not mad, I just want you home. Please.”

He looked at her hand and gave it a squeeze. She could feel his fingers shaking in her grip.

“I can’t. It’s too dangerous. We can’t be together. It’s too big of a risk.”

“What are you going to do? You can’t live the rest of your life like this.”

“What else can I do?”

She looked at him, and when he raised his eyes to meet hers, she held his gaze. “We come at him sideways.”

 

Miles’ heart hammered in his chest more fiercely than it had ever beat before. It was a struggle to keep his breathing slow and steady, and to sit in the passenger seat of that car and pretend like nothing was going on. He was having such second thoughts about this whole thing, but he was committed. He couldn’t back out now.

“So where are we going tonight?” he asked as casually as he could manage.

“You’ll see.”

“What’s the job?”

“You seem out of sorts,” Boss said, glancing over to him. “Feeling all right?”

“Yep, I just want to know what to expect.”

“I’ve always appreciated that about you. You’re a man that likes to prepare. That’ll do well for you in the future. Keep your head on straight, and you’ll go far in this business.”

Miles gave a sardonic laugh. “The business of beating people up for money?”

“What?” Boss asked, laughing. “Of course not. I’m talking about business. Really, this kind of mentality can be applied to any business venture. Not just what we’re doing.”

Damnit! Miles needed to get him to specifically say what they were doing, but he couldn’t think of how to get Boss talking without making it obvious that’s what he wanted.

“So,” Miles tried again, “you still never answered me.”

“We have a silent partner that’s invested a substantial amount in our growing upstart. We’re going to speak with him about his investment and repay him for his trust in us. He’ll be pleased to see us.”

Miles looked out the window, and bite the meat of his thumb in frustration. They drove for what must’ve been a dozen blocks before Boss spoke again.

“Miles, you really seem out of sorts. Are you still wanting out of our little agreement?”

“Yes,” Miles said quickly. Possibly a little too quickly. If he could get Boss to threaten him or Saundra again, that would be just as good.

Boss gave a slow exhale. “Tell you what, since you don’t seem to be feeling well, how about I drop you off at home? I can handle the investment meeting alone. I’ll pick you up tomorrow, and we’ll do one last job. Do that for me, and we’ll call it even, and your debt to me will be forgiven.”

Debt? That’s what he was calling it now? Miles didn’t owe him a damn thing! Still, this could work. “All right, what’s the job?”

“I have some goods coming in from… out of town. I just need you to stand there and look pretty. It’s important for my partners to put faces to their contacts. Can you do that for me?”

It wasn’t anything terrible like Miles was hoping for, but hell, if Boss really was going to let him out of this just that easy, he’d be a fool not to take it.

After getting the info for the meetup, Boss dropped him off at the bar where his bike was parked. For the first time in a while, Miles was feeling hopeful.

The next day he arrived at the warehouse location. The police were already setup all around him. The idea was to get Boss’s confession on tape. That didn’t work, but the next best thing was to catch him in the act of buying some illegal goods, which was what they assumed this was. All Miles had to do was play it cool, and when they had him in the act, the police would rush in and take care of business.

Miles nervously walked into the space. It was cold, and empty. Water dripped somewhere, splashing into a shallow puddle and echoing in the harsh space filled with nothing but gray, sharp lines.

In the middle of the room, amidst the empty shelves and broken crates, was a chair. On that chair sat a phone. It rang. Miles gave one last cursory glance around and went to the phone and answered it. On the other end was a long, deep sigh.

“Miles, buddy, I warned you,” Boss said. In the background, Miles could hear a muffled voice, feminine and afraid.

“Please,” Miles begged. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, we’re way past sorry. If you want to see her again, alive, and in a single piece, you better book it to the address I’m texting you. Come alone. If I see one little piggie piggie, I got off her hand one finger at a time.”

The call ended, and Miles sprinted from the warehouse. The cop in his earpiece tried to talk to him, but Miles dug the piece of technology from his ear and threw it away. As he hopped onto his bike, a few cops came out of the woodwork to try and stop him.

The motorcycle roared to life with a ferocity like what he was feeling inside, and the tire smoked as he peeled out. Like a bat out of hell, Miles weaved through traffic toward the address Boss had given him. There were no cops to pursue him.

The address was an empty office building. When Miles pulled up, two guys with guns grabbed him.

“Any cops?”

“Do you see any?”

They sneered at him, but pushed him into the office. There he found Boss, four other armed guys, and Saundra tied and gagged on a chair.

“Saundra, I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks for coming,” Boss said, smiling, looking as casually satisfied as a cat with a mouse. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve asked you here today. You see, we’re downsizing. I appreciate your years of service, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.”

“Let her go,” Miles said. “You have me, okay? Just let her go.”

“Oh, buddy, no. That’s not how this works. You both know far too much. I have to kill you both. But remember, this is all your fault. If you’d just done what you were told instead of trying to get clever…”

Boss came around behind Saundra and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Will you let me say goodbye, at least?” Miles asked desperately.

“Here she is,” Boss said softly beside her and held up a pistol. “You’ve got ten seconds.”

“Saundra,” Miles said, taking a step forward, but one of the men grabbed him and held him back. “I’m so sorry…”

His eyes flickered around him, making note of where everyone stood.

“… if this doesn’t work.”

Bringing his elbow up, he broke the nose of the man holding him. The others immediately turned their guns to him, but he spun and put the man between him and the shots fired.

Saundra screamed through her gag as she slammed her head into Boss’s face and then threw herself – the chair included – into the man closest to her.

Miles grabbed the gun out of the dead man’s hand, shot the man beside him, then fired at the two farthest away from Saundra, so that he didn’t risk a shot going wide and shooting her as well.

A white hot rod of metal punched through Miles’ gut, followed by another, then another. The pain was blinding. Dropping the gun, he fell to the ground. His entire world was awash in agony.

There were screams, more gunshots, and then black boots raced past him. A force not of his own rolled him over, sending electric pain through his whole body. His head rested in Saundra’s lap, and she looked down at him with blood sprayed across her face.

“I’m so sorry,” he said.

“No, Miles, stay with me,” she said, stroking the side of his face.

“I loved you,” he said, blackness claiming the edges of his vision. “I’ll always love you.”

“I love you too,” she said before starting to sob. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say before the blackness claimed him entirely.

Saundra walked, bleary-eyed through the hospital hallway. The floor was almost entirely empty that late at night. The bag in her hand crinkled as she walked, the sound echoing against the neutral white walls. The smell of cleaning chemicals blocked out nearly all others.

She was so drained, she almost couldn’t feel anything at all anymore. As she walked by an open doorway, she glanced inside to see an older gentlemen with some family sitting around him. It didn’t look good. She quirked her mouth in a slight frown, but couldn’t muster more than that. She just didn’t have anything left.

When she reached the door, she pushed against it with her hip and backed into the room. Miles looked over from his bed.

“What’re you doing here?” he asked her, and smiled.

She climbed onto the bed with him, careful of his IVs and snuggled against him. “I missed you.”

He put an arm around her, groaning softly, and nuzzled his head against her. “I missed you too. It’s so late.”

“Be nice to me,” she said, and lifted the bag she’d been carrying. “I brought frozen yogurt.”

“Oh, yummy. You win.”

She gave him a kiss and sat up, pulling the tray around in front of him.

“Glad to see you’re putting the reward money to good use,” he said, and groaned as he sat up.

“Be careful, will you?” she scolded and hit him with a spoon. “You were shot three times, stop moving.” She handed him the white Styrofoam cup and a pink spork. “The results came back, by the way. Negative. The kid isn’t yours. They’re throwing out the whole child support case against you.”

Miles sighed and lolled his head to the side as though he died again. Watching him go limp sent a shock of terror through her again as she remembered when he’d done that in her arms. It took the paramedics working through the whole way to the hospital just to keep him alive. Through some miracles of modern medicine, they were able to pull out the bullets and keep him alive.

“That’s a relief like no other,” he said.

“Mhm,” she said, pushing aside the residual fear. “And I spoke with daddy, and the job offer still stands. I said you’d think about it.” Saundra fixed him with a very firm and pointed glare.

Miles smiled at her and licked his spork. “Tell him I accept, and I’m grateful for the opportunity.”

“Good answer,” she said cheerfully.

They grinned at one another and clacked the necks of their sporks together and continued eating in a peaceful silence.

“Saundra?” Miles asked, setting down the frozen yogurt.

“Hmm?” She put hers down and folded her hands in her lap to give him her undivided, but he took up her hands in his and held them as firmly as he was able, considering his wounds.

“Will you marry me?”

“Miles,” she breathed. “The medication must be really heavy.” She made a show of checking his IV.

Miles laughed and nudged her with his knee. “I’m serious. You were with me through everything. No matter what, you’ve stood by my side. Let me make it worth it. Let me make you happy every day for the rest of our lives.”

Saundra leaned forward and kissed him. “Of course yes.”

He grinned and kissed her again. She leaned back and picked up her frozen yogurt again. “Now eat before it melts, dammit.”

He grinned and they did just that.

THE END