Marrying a cop was heaven and hell.
Where Eddie was my husband, all of his fellow officers were like brothers to me, which meant my family was loud, rowdy, and enormous.
And that was heavenly.
But the worry, God. The fucking worry. What if he never came home? What if he got hurt?
The constant knot in my stomach every time he walked out the door was hell.
Yet, no amount of concern or nail biting prepared me for the pain of losing him to divorce.
But I never stopped worrying.
And I never would, even when the day came when Eddie’s welfare belonged to someone else.
Confronting Eddie at work was a huge mistake. I knew better than to bring up his...feelings.
But dammit, I didn’t know what else to do. I hated this desperation inside of me that still needed to hear him say the fucking words. We were divorced. He hadn’t said it when we were married, so why did I think I could get him to say it now?
I am just so sick of feeling like this. Like I’m in limbo.
And these last few weeks? Talk about flipping the script on me.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the day our divorce was finalized.
So, what gives? Why now?
Why set up a date with me?
Why show up again and throw out the wife card in front of Calder?
None of it made sense.
He had won, I had lost.
He had moved on, I was trying and failing miserably.
So, what the fuck else did he want from me?
Because during our marriage I put him, us, first.
Every want, every need.
My first thought, my only thought was of my husband.
Eddie came before my career, ahead of my friends, and even my family.
I was proud to be his wife, fucking honored.
It was always the two of us. He was the first one I wanted to tell my secrets, my achievements, and my worries to. The man I fell asleep and woke up nestled into. He was my person. My best friend, my whole goddamn life.
But two years ago, the dynamic changed and the more recognition I found at work, the less I had at home. My success wasn’t our success.
And I don’t think he believed me when I said it was for us.
In fact, I know he didn’t.
Then he stopped coming to games, press junkets, after parties, and award shows.
Just stopped.
Eight of our years together were the best of my life.
The last two he went out of his way to make miserable. Everyone who knew us knows Eddie left me no choice but to file for divorce.
He didn’t even have the balls to do it himself.
From the day I was hired on at Sports banter, I kept Detroit as my home base.
Because that’s where my husband was, and I didn’t like the idea of traveling without him. However, my career had exceeded even my expectations as a female in a male dominated profession. Offer after offer came in over the years, each better than the last.
LA, Dallas, New York, Miami, Chicago...
And every offer was declined. A no brainer on my part.
But that wasn’t my life anymore, was it? I didn’t have a counterpart to consider. No man to love me or miss me.
That’s right. I had no one.
It was time to do me.
Staring out of my office window that offered me the most beautiful view I had ever seen, I gaze out at Ford Field and smile. I was truly living my dream. Not only was I an interviewer for my home team, when they travelled I covered them with my own personal podcast. It was the best of both worlds. If anyone loved their job as much as I did, I haven’t met them.
Being that this was an away game, once tonight’s footage was recorded, I realized I was in no hurry to leave. With nothing but work to keep my mind off Eddie, I planned to watch the next game at the bar, losing myself to the one thing that’s never let me down.
Football was a lot like divorce. Both sides fight the good fight and, in the end, someone always loses.
In this case, it was me.
Packing up, I took the steps, rounding the corner to the exit tunnel when I ran into Griffin York, co-owner of Sports banter, also my mentor and great stand-in father.
“As always, hell of a show tonight, Pharis.”
“Thanks, Griff.”
“I’m serious,” he said with true affection. “The franchises love you. The calls I keep getting, they aren’t taking rejection very well. Either you’re a genius for holding out, or you truly are happy staying in your hometown. Anyway, I came here to tell you in person, it was a unanimous decision. We want you on panel. I know it isn’t about money for you, but this is everything you’ve ever worked for and—”
“I’m in.”
Yanking me into a fierce hug, he yelled out, “Yes! Fuck yes! Finally!”
Pulling away, I force a smile. “Give my verbal acceptance, send me what needs to be signed, the sooner the better.”
“I fucking love you, Pharis,” he growled protectively. A lot like my dad used to. “You’re going to soar, find the fame you deserve—”
“And freedom,” I muttered under my breath.
“Listen,” he said gently. “I liked Eddie, we all did. Hell, still do. But we’re here for you. We love and support you. You’re a free agent now. This is what you’ve worked for.”
“I know,” I whispered, hating that I was, in fact, a free agent. It meant I was no longer part of a team. A team of two that had meant more to me than any amount of money or recognition ever could.
“Does he even know you turned all those offers down?”
“No.”
“No?” he blinked rapidly. “Pharis...”
“Griff,” I sighed. “I didn’t turn them down for me, I did it for us. My home was here, it was Eddie. But now I’m homeless, a free agent, like you said. Send me the damn paperwork, all right? Let’s do this!”
Closing his eyes, he grunted, “Eddie fucked up letting you go.”
Kissing him on the cheek, I left him with, “I know.”
“Miami is going to treat you right.”
“Miami,” I whispered to myself. God, that felt like a world away.
“Take a few weeks to relax and enjoy this, Pharis.”
“Yeah, okay,” I conceded, wishing the girls could take time off and travel somewhere far, far away with me.
“But first, follow me,” Griff said, leading the way.
With no choice but to do as he said since his arm was locked with mine, I followed.
When we entered the conference room and I saw the media, I lost my breath. Scanning the familiar faces, my peers, I offered a real smile and had to give it up to Griff for knowing me so well. For years he’s pushed for me to take my career to the next level. Only I wasn’t interested.
Needless to say, his timing was impeccable.
With congratulations coming from all directions and cameras flashing in my face, I answered when prompted, following protocol to a tee, and left proud I hadn’t let a single tear fall.
Like always, I would save them for later where no one could see.