Chapter Two
When I was a little girl, I always thought mirrors told me a lot about myself. I put too much stock in how pretty people thought I was. As I got older I’d spend hours in front of a mirror trying to make sure I looked perfect. Now, the pane of reflective glass served as a reminder of what I couldn’t be, who I would never be. I kept staring at myself, even as I forced a hairbrush through my hair—searching. I would search forever, just to find a piece of who I used to be. Was the Raelynn of years ago completely destroyed?
“When I was a kid, it always felt like you were ripping my hair out from the roots when you brushed it. I thought you hated me that much.” My sister Breanna’s voice broke through my thoughts.
I stopped mid-stroke of the brush to keep from jumping and ripping my own hair out. “I never hated you.”
“I know. Now I realize being rough with the brush was all you knew, with all that hair and all those waves.”
I rolled my eyes. The hum of the air conditioner kicked on just outside the door. Cool air began to fill the room, fending off the heat of late summer. “It really is. I didn’t luck out like you.” My sister’s hair was straight and glossy like midnight. I’d always envied it.
“What? With these beautiful dark brown—” She flipped her hair, caught a piece and scowled. “Dull, drab, and straight as a board locks? I like the highlights in yours, makes the blue in your eyes pop.”
Breanna’s tall frame filled the doorway. Two years younger than my twenty-one and nearly a foot taller than me. A thin, willowy figure that had once seemed gangly and awkward. Age had turned that into tall and sexy, with a flare to her hips that led down a length of long tanned leg that was hard for me not to be jealous of.
“Whatever. Your hair is gorgeous, Rae.”
“I know, but so is yours. I happen to like yours better.” My sister was a welcomed distraction from the reflection in the mirror. I gestured to the floor in front of me. “Sit down and I’ll pull it up for you.”
“What if I don’t want it up?”
I cut my eyes at her. “You always wear it up.” I was hard pressed to recall a time when she hadn’t worn it in her signature swinging ponytail.
“What if I don’t want you messing with it?” Now she was just playing games, teasing in a way little sisters did.
I pointed at the floor with the brush. “You’ve always wanted me to play with your hair, Breanna.”
“Fact.” She tucked her legs beneath herself as she sat in front of me. Her reflection blocked my own in the mirror. Unwittingly, she’d saved me.
I pulled the brush, much more gently now, through the shining mass of hair. It slipped like spun silk through my fingers. I brushed it until it was shining. Our Native American heritage shone much more brightly through my sister. I had once envied her for it. Not anymore, I appreciated her beauty.
“Maybe you wanted to punish me with the hair brush because I was the cuter kid.”
Beautiful, but a little annoying.
The hairband made a popping sound as I snapped it with force. “You were cuter. But, if I was punishing you, it was because you broke something of mine. Or worse, something of Aiden’s and tried to blame it on me. Or you were snooping through my things. Telling embarrassing stories to boys I liked. I punished you for being an ass, not for being cute.”
“Puhlease,” she drawled out. “There were never boys. There was a boy. One. And he’s still hot.”
I gave a sigh and shook my head. “I was a kid.” There were more than a few secrets I’d kept from my sister over the years. As silly as it sounded, I didn’t want her to think of me as the type of girl to nurse a broken heart. Even if she’d be right. There had only ever been one.
“And? I say it again, he’s still hot.”
“It’s not about being hot…” I started, she followed my gaze to the mirror. Large brandy colored eyes stared back to mine. Hers, like my father’s and mine blue like my mother’s.
“Do you still like him?” There was a quiet urgency to her voice.
I looked away and pulled her ponytail tight one last time. “I think I’m a little past that.”
“What about that guy at college?” She unfolded herself from the floor.
It was a battle to keep my voice even, to stop it from cracking with emotion. “I’m back here, aren’t I?”
“So, he’s irrelevant?”
I found myself thankful she hadn’t seen the flash of emotion in my eyes and that I’d kept it from my voice. There were a lot of reasons I’d come home, none of which I was ready to talk to her about.
“And Jordan’s still hot.”
I shook my head and gave a rueful smile, instantly locking the painful memories away again. She was right, Jordan Slater was still hot.
“So why not? Other than the obvious reason.”
I made a valiant attempt to evade her line of questioning by searching out my clothes for the evening. It was bad enough I was going to spend the rest of the night with him. I didn’t need to be grilled about it. “Obvious reason?” I pulled on a clean pair of shorts.
“Devin McAlister.” Breanna made a kissy face complete with noises.
The bed creaked as I slumped onto it, my mouth dropped in surprise. Cold, icy shock traveled down to my toes. Devin?
“Wait. What? You can’t tell? Hell, everyone knows Rae.” Her open hand waved in a wide arc as if to include the whole world.
“Knows what?” My heart was beating faster, my breath caught in my throat. Of course, I cared about Devin, but I didn’t like Devin. He was one of my best friends.
The icy dread that flowed through me gripped at my heart, humming louder than the air conditioning. I didn’t know what to do if he felt something for me that I didn’t feel for him. I knew all too well what it was like to want someone who didn’t want you back. It could make you do stupid, self-destructive things.
“Devin McAllister has had a thing for you for years.” She was far too proud of delivering this information. Breanna was always happy to have a reason to make me squirm and too young yet to see past the surface, to the throbbing ache in my head.
“No.” Slowly I massaged that ache. I adored Devin, loved him as I did Aiden. I couldn’t see him as anything else. How could I look at him now? Dealing with Jordan and his rejection was bad enough. Devin’s misplaced affections would only compound things for me.
“Yes!” She threw herself on the bed. A rush of air from the comforter was chased by the scent of cinnamon from the candy Breanna sucked on. The familiar smell comforted me.
As nervous energy replaced the dread, I had to move. I pulled a shirt over my head, deemed it too tight and reach for another. Devin’s comments about how good I looked crept into my mind. Had Devin always seemed so touchy? Did he compliment my sister as easily as he did me? I hadn’t paid much attention with Jordan so close. Which was stupid, I was too old for childhood crushes. I wasn’t a kid anymore; I’d seen too much. Jordan Slater shouldn’t knock me so off balance.
“You’re in a love triangle.” Breanna leaned on her elbows, she didn’t bother to hide her smirk as I fought to straighten a faded blue t-shirt.
“How can I be in a love triangle when I’m not in love with anyone?” The lie echoed even in the quaint white washed bedroom of my childhood.
“You tell me, it’s your life. But boy, when you do something, you do it big.”
“You are ridiculous.” I huffed and stalked out of the room. I refused to fall into her trap and admit I had feelings for Jordan or admit Devin had feelings for me. At least, not out loud.
“I am not.” Her long strides caught up to me quickly. “Bye, Dad.”
She slid past me and leaned over the recliner to kiss our dad’s forehead. Rick Casey struggled into wakefulness and sleepily rubbed his mouth. “Y’all gone?”
“Yeah.” I kissed him in the same spot my sister had as I snatched my phone from the table beside him.
“Your brother going?” That was the elephant in the room. Aiden almost always went with us, never letting us do something so risky without using himself as our safety net. Now, it seemed like he spent more time driving around to find which bar or party his wife was holed up in.
“I don’t think so.” I shoved the phone into the pocket of my shorts. “Wendy wasn’t too happy with him staying at the track so late.” From what my sister had told me while I was gone, most likely Wendy would find some spiteful way to retaliate. It made me angry, because Aiden worked hard to take care of the kids. The racing made money too. Money Wendy was all too happy to spend…on herself.
Dad only grunted at the mention of my sister-in-law. I shook off the sinking sensation. It wasn’t my place to judge, maybe I did just need to give her chance. “Be careful. Riding with Jordan?”
“Like he’d let us go on our own.” Breanna swung her head around so that the ponytail bobbed. “He’s more protective than Aiden.”
“I love you, Daddy.” I leaned over to kiss his creased forehead one more time before leaving.
“I love you too, I’m glad you’re home.” His voice was a content rumble.
“Me too.” I wasn’t lying, either. Regardless of Devin or Jordan plus the twisting of regret and trepidation in my gut.
The sun had gone down, but the air was still as heavy as it had been earlier in the day when I’d made this trek across the same broken road. Nervous energy streaked through the palpable heat and knocked me right in the chest.
“Watch yourself, Raelynn, you’ll have them both chest pounding and throat punching.” If it weren’t for something sharp hidden just under the surface of her voice, I’d think Breanna was enjoying this too much.
“Shut up, Bree.” I lacked the energy to decipher the riddle in her voice.
She flung up her palms in defense. “I speak the truth, it’s the testosterone.”
Maybe it was the edge in her voice, maybe it was my anxiety, but something had me snapping at her. “Truth? Where’d you go when you got off work?” She wasn’t the only one who liked to watch people squirm.
She ignored the question and took a running leap at Jordan, who had walked out of his shop to greet us. “Hey, big guy!”
“What’s up, Breezy?” Jordan tossed a bag of tools into the back of his truck and caught my sister in mid-leap.
There was an ease to the way he spun her around in a hug, to the way he tugged on her ponytail. It was an ease he hadn’t had with me in years. An ease missing when I’d seen him earlier. Jealousy nipped at the back of my neck. You’re imagining things, seeing what isn’t there. You’re letting Breanna get to you.
I was overanalyzing the situation when Devin walked out. “What’s up, Bree? Raelynn?” He tilted his chin to us both, but his eyes seemed to linger on me the longest. Breanna caught it too and shot me a look that only a sister could decipher.
“Hey, handsome.” She dropped from Jordan’s embrace to kiss Devin’s cheek.
He blushed, though not as deeply as I’d seen before. I could not fathom why he’d have feelings for me. Breanna was tall, gorgeous, and confident. Three things I was not. It would make more sense that Devin would crush on her, not me. The situation with Devin gave me a nervous twitch in my eye.
“Imagine my surprise when I find out you three convinced my sister to go racing her first night back. Geez, you didn’t even give her one weekend before you sucked her back in.” A dimple teased at her cheek. That dimple meant mischief. I knew it very well because I had one too.
A grunt, like that of my father, was Jordan’s only audible response. His eyes responded very differently. The fluorescent bulb attached to the overhang of the shop hummed and cast incandescent light across the gravel. That light illuminated Jordan and gave me just a moment to see regret in his eyes before he climbed into the race car.
I danced out of the way as Jordan fired up the Malibu and slowly turned it around. The crunch of the gravel beneath tires was almost drowned out by the throb of the engine. The high-octane fuel, so close, nearly stole my breath.
Some things come back as easily as breathing, you never forget them. I fell into step in front of the car, the loud popping of the racing tuned engine was music to my ears.
As I lined Jordan up on the ramps of the trailer, Devin and Vic went to work on loading the Camaro on the trailer behind Devin’s truck. Working in tandem made things move more efficiently, and I wasn’t about to just stand around and watch the boys work. I had too much pride for that.
I walked backward onto the trailer, not even flinching when the engine revved louder as the car pulled the ramps. I could taste anticipation and adrenaline and we’d only managed to load cars.
The car successfully on the trailer, I jumped down onto the grass. It was too hard to look at him, too hard not to wonder if Breanna was right. Three years ago, maybe two, I’d have done anything to be near him. Now, I was torn between running away and chasing after him like a little girl.
I was too old to have been goaded like a child. Yet, Jordan calling me a chicken had been an easy way to agree to go with them. My mind screamed to run, but my heart had wanted nothing more than to be here.
Two parts of me warred with each other. To silence them, I got to work. “She sounds good.” I grabbed the cinch strap and started to hook the Malibu up.
“Yeah?” He didn’t look at me. He moved with efficiency, he’d done this a thousand times before. Not a hint of the regret I thought I’d seen.
“Yeah.” When he finally looked up, he caught me studying him.
“Don’t sound so surprised, Rae.” Jordan moved effortlessly around the trailer.
There was no reason for me to follow him, no reason for me to continue to talk to him. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to jog to keep up. “I’m not, not really.”
“Then what’s with the—” He gestured to the air around me.
It wasn’t possible that I was so transparent he saw right through me, yet fear made my heart pound in my ears. “The what?”
“You’re acting weird,” was all he could evidently come up with.
“I am not.” I was. I was because I was chasing Jordan, heartbreak be damned, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the possibility that Devin had feelings for me. Jordan had rejected me, told me he didn’t want me, and that made him safe. “I am not acting weird.” Reinforcing the lie seemed to be a good idea.
Jordan responded with a deadpan stare from the other side of the trailer. No getting anything over on the King of the Street. To further avoid the subject, I moved to the back tires, where gravel was still stuck to the large racing slicks.
Silently thankful I’d had the practice session with my brother earlier in the day, I was confident I could still strap down a car, back one up at the line, and do all the things I’d grown up doing. My touch was still good. I wouldn’t flat out embarrass myself in front of Jordan.
“It was something Breanna said…” Jordan had a way about him. A silent intimidation tactic. He’d leave me simmering in my own thoughts until I had no other choice but to tell him.
“And that was?” A lone brow disappeared beneath his ball cap.
If anyone could contradict what Breanna had told me about Devin, it was Jordan. “She thinks Devin has a thing for me.”
“Yup.” He didn’t contradict her. Instead, he leaned back against the tailgate of his truck and shoved his hands in his pockets.
The icy dread from before settled in a cold, hard lump in my stomach. “Seriously?”
“Don’t whine, kid. Could be worse.”
It could be worse, it could be Caleb. But, I couldn’t say that to anyone, especially not to Jordan. “What, it could be you?” I meant it as a joke.
Jordan wasn’t laughing.
“Could be.” The two words sounded like he poured honey and sex all over them.
I stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe, the air around me so thick I could taste the last touch of honeysuckle that clung to summer. What would it be like if it was Jordan? If he looked at me right then and told me he’d been wrong before. I wasn’t sure if I was afraid or excited, but my pulse pounded loudly in my ears.
“He’s had a thing for you since you were in high school.” Jordan looked past me, to where Devin and Vic finished loading the other car. “I don’t think he’d ever say anything to you. But, he’s said things to me before.”
“What things?” This wasn’t happening. A sort of morbid curiosity forced the question past my lips.
“That he had feelings for you.” Jordan rolled his shoulders before turning away, seemingly unwilling to say more.
“So, what do I do now?” I tossed my hands in the air and let them fall uselessly to my sides. I couldn’t stand there and stare at him like I was that kid he’d rejected all over again.
“What do you want to do?”
“Let him down easy?” I pinched the bridge of my nose and followed him.
“Why? Devin’s a good guy, he’d be good to you. Good for you.”
My dorm mate had said something similar about Caleb. Thinking about it now made my skin crawl. I hated feeling that way about Devin. He wasn’t the memory that haunted me.
With Devin, everything Jordan said was true. Devin was nothing like Caleb.
Devin was also nothing like Jordan. “It’s not him. I just…can’t.”
I walked away from Jordan. If I stayed, there was a chance he would see right through me. A chance he’d see the dirt that I couldn’t wash away.
“Yo, Slater, you ready?” Vic pulled the open metal door shut with a clang.
“Let’s roll, I’ll take the girls.” He didn’t wait for us, just opened his truck door to climb in.
“Raelynn can ride with us if she wants, give us time to catch up.” Devin’s grin made me cold despite the warm night air. I caught myself as I instinctively reached for my throat and rubbed my neck instead.
“That sounded like an invitation.” Breanna needled me, taking my discomfort at face value. “What Jordan said sounded like a command. Us Casey girls don’t like being told what to do.”
“So now we’re talkin’ invitations?” Jordan cocked his head to the side. “Who invited you, Breanna?”
She stuck her tongue out at him.
Everyone had turned to look at me as if I had to choose between the two right then. I hid behind what Aiden would say, what my dad would say. This wasn’t a simple cruise around town with friends. There were serious repercussions to what we were doing.
“I think we’d better ride with Jordan.” I blatantly avoided being in a confined space with someone who was attracted to me. Devin or not, I didn’t think I could handle that yet.
When Devin started to argue, Jordan cut him off. “You want to deal with Aiden if we get busted and one of his sisters is with you?”
Vic stepped in front of Devin and ushered him toward his truck. “Nah. I’ve been on the receiving end of that brand of crazy.”
“It was a four-wheeler.” Breanna put her hands on her hips. “And only six stitches.”
“I ended up with twelve after he started swinging.” Vic shot back as he climbed into the passenger seat.
“He takes that older brother stuff seriously.” Then she spun and raced past me. “Shotgun!”
“I guess I’m riding bitch?”
Jordan grinned and held the door open for me. “Something like that.”
I took the middle seat, tucking my left leg up under me so Jordan could reach the gear shift. I would have given my sister’s much longer legs the passenger seat, regardless.
I couldn’t help but glance at Devin in the other truck, lit by the interior light. His look of rejection was like a punch to the gut.
“He’ll get over it.” Jordan followed my gaze. “If you really want to ride with him, you can. I’ll handle Aiden if something happens.”
“No.” I pulled a steadying breath through my lips. “I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.”
“He’s really not the problem, is he?”
I didn’t have to answer. Breanna saved me by climbing in the passenger side with a lollipop stick dangling from her lips. She patted her pockets full of candy. “I raided Vic’s stash.”
Vic’s sweet tooth was rivaled only by Breanna’s. I couldn’t count the times I was forced to sit in the dentist’s waiting room while she had her cavities filled.
I struggled to shift my weight so I wasn’t pressed so closely against Jordan. His large form made it nearly impossible unless I crawled on Breanna’s lap. When I finally stopped squirming, his brows disappeared beneath his hat in question.
A tingle ran up my entire left side where the heat of his body caressed me. I stiffened, unable to process the hint of desire that prodded my senses. The cold dirty feeling didn’t follow my desire as I’d expected it to. Instead, the heat remained.
Shame burned my cheeks. I shouldn’t be so excited to be close him.
“Did you see the look on Devin’s face when Jordan said we were riding with him? Seriously, the jealousy meter went off the chart.” Leave it to my sister to smack the elephant in the room right on the ass.
I groaned and pressed my fingers to the twitchy eye.
“You’re a total hottie.” Breanna bit into the lollipop. “Why wouldn’t he want you?”
“I hate that this isn’t a surprise to anyone but me.” I let my head fall back against the seat.
“Might be a surprise to Aiden,” Jordan offered.
“Yeah, he’s still eagle-eyeing Slater about you.” Breanna drew a circle in the air with her lollipop.
It was hard to ignore the flutter of butterflies in my stomach when Jordan grinned at me with sheer amusement. “You did moon after me for a while, kid.”
“Stop calling me kid.” I couldn’t help but fidget with the hem of my shirt. “I’m not anymore.” I wasn’t, I hadn’t been for a while. My time away had only hastened my ascent into adulthood. Too much had happened, I wasn’t the same person. I’d been too stupid, made my own mistakes. I couldn’t take them back, not any of it. I wasn’t a child anymore, my innocence was lost.
“Fair enough.”
“I think you should give Devin a shot.” There it was again, that little edge. I was beginning to wonder how she’d react if I did give Devin a shot.
“I can’t do that, Breanna.” The eye twitching increased each time she spoke. With a huff, she rifled through her pockets for more candy.
A familiar gray king cab truck pulled off into the side of the yard before we pulled out. The man who got out was Jordan’s age, tall and rangy. His dark hair was in desperate need of a cut, the ends hanging over his ears. I knew his face as well as I knew my own. His eyes would be carbon copies of my own sky blue and that once upon a time his smile had been quick and ready.
“Damn, he showed up.” I was genuinely happy when my brother jogged over to the truck, jingling his keys in his hand.
“Go ride with Devin and Vic.” Aiden gestured to my sister as he pulled open the passenger door.
“Ugh, do you know how much it sucks being the tall girl and riding bitch?”
“Nope, never been a girl. But, I’m guessing it sucks slightly less than being a guy riding bitch between two other guys. Get lost, brat.”
“Whatever. I’ll go ride with loverboy.”
“Loverboy?” Aiden’s brows shot up. Jordan focused out his window as if he hadn’t heard the conversation at all. “Who’s that?”
Taking a note from Jordan, I contemplated my finger nails. “Who knows, it’s Bree.”
Aiden took up more room than Breanna. I tried in vain to ignore Jordan’s thick, muscled body I was pressed against. I might have succeeded if he hadn’t stiffened each time a bump in the road pressed me closer.
I couldn’t ignore the fact he was reacting to me as much as I was him. Unlike with anyone else, something inside me tightened in anticipation.
I was still a kid with her first crush, learning time and pain couldn’t change everything.