Chapter Seven
“You slapped, Slater?” Breanna’s rhetorical question held a touch of awe.
“He deserved it.”
“I want to point out that you haven’t even been back a full week and already the drama abounds.” She mused between the crunching of candy.
“I’m not in the mood, Bree.” I jerked her denim shorts up over my hips. It was a tight fit, but they would work.
I pulled my hair down and finger combed it. It wasn’t the best I’d ever looked, but I’d looked worse.
“Impressive.” She whistled when I did a turn in the too tight shorts that accentuated my ass.
Seconds later, I was walking around the truck toward Hunter’s rig. I wasn’t surprised to see Devin jogging up, his face lacking its usual bashful smile.
“Are you really leaving with him?”
“Yup.” I was angry enough I didn’t care if I hurt his feelings.
“Look, Jordan’s looking out for you, he doesn’t—”
“I don’t want to hear all the reasons Jordan has for doing what Jordan does, Devin. Because he only does what he wants to do. He doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself.”
“He—” He broke off at the look I cut him. “We want to make sure you’re okay. Maybe Hunter is, ya know, trying to use you to get to us?”
He sounded so sincere that I might have put some thought into his theory. Then the heat of the flush rising in my cheeks reminded me of the anger inside me. “If he was, it worked, didn’t it?”
“Please don’t go, come back with us. We’ve missed you.” He was almost whining, which only made my temper worse.
I stopped at the back of the trailer and forced a tight smile. “I’ve missed you too, Devin, but I’m not going anywhere near him for a while.” He opened his mouth to protest and I waved him off. “I can’t, Devin…not now. I’ll talk to you later.”
I looked back once as I was getting into Hunter’s truck. I was angry, but what I’d said about Jordan hadn’t been totally true. When he’d stalked off from me, he’d thought he’d scared me. I’d let him think that. Devin still waited and perked up hopefully when I turned back. “Don’t let Jordan do anything stupid, okay?”
His brows knit together. “Okay? I guess, I mean I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s been slapped by a girl.”
I gentled my voice. “It’s not that. Don’t let him beat himself up too much.”
I could make out Jordan’s silhouette near his trailer. Large and intimidating, he blocked out the orange glow from the streetlight behind him. All I’d ever wanted was for him to love me. I jumped into Hunter’s truck before I could change my mind.
Since I was with Hunter, I half expected my sister to show up at Felt, the pool hall and bar not far from my family’s speed shop. It wasn’t much, just a block building with a bar and stage in the front, and a large game room in the back that sported two rows of pool tables. The sort of place you went to kill time and your liver.
“Remind me to piss off Slater more often.” Hunter brought a pitcher and two glasses to the little table.
To our left, a rowdy game of pool played out with lots of good humored shouting and ribbing. This was the first time I’d been in a place like this in quite some time. I relished being here, feeling like I belonged.
“I might not be there to rescue you next time.” I winked over the rim of my beer glass.
He grabbed his chest as if wounded by my verbal jab. “Ouch!”
I sipped the beer he’d poured for me and finally let myself relax. “I owe you an apology for all that.”
“No, you don’t. I was asking for it.” There was a glint of that dangerous something that had drawn me to Hunter years ago. Brash, cocky, so much like Jordan.
“You really did.” I laughed and let it trail off. “He still shouldn’t have acted that way. I’m not his property.”
“Don’t worry about it. My actions had the desired effect. You’re here.”
“That’s how you pick up chicks? Pick fights with their brothers?”
“Nah.” He took a swallow and gestured at me with his glass. “He’s not your brother.”
“Close enough.”
He snorted and downed about half his beer. “Brothers don’t get that mad when a guy starts talking to their sister.”
“You said more than hi.”
“He doesn’t know that.” He gestured with his beer. “You really don’t see it, do you?”
“See what?”
“I dunno…” He stood and reached for a pool stick as a table became available. “Raelynn, jealousy is about the only thing that sets a man off like that.”
I chalked a stick as he racked. “For the record, I’m not here to make him or anyone else jealous.”
“I know.” He stepped back to let me break. “I also know that it was different once.”
The balls crashed and clattered across the table. Once upon a time, I’d wanted nothing more than a jealous outburst from Jordan. For him to want me, to start fights over me. But my attitude had changed, I needed different things out of life. I might have used Hunter, but I liked him too. Now I was here because I could forget about Jordan and Devin when I was with Hunter. He was my port in the storm.
I lined up my shot as Matt, the object of my sister’s affection, slipped out of the game room. Most of the people in Felt that night were friends of Hunter’s, people that raced with him, his crew. I still knew most all of them, they were people I’d grown up with and people who came into the shop. Our crew, Jordan’s crew, was a small isolated part of the bigger picture, of Arkadia.
I took my shot and missed. “It was. We both know I was young and dumb.” I pointed my stick at the swinging doors, as I changed subjects. “What can you tell me about Matt?”
“Other than he sneaks off to see your sister?”
“Yeah, other than that.” I laughed as he sank two solid colored balls.
“He’s good people. Works hard, works a lot. Doesn’t start shit.” The muscles in his jaws twitched as he fought back a smile. “I wouldn’t start a fight if he was sneaking off to see my sister.”
Whatever tension I’d had left was gone in that instant. At the core of it, Hunter was my friend. I’d needed him more than I’d realized. For the first time in months, hell, probably more than a year, I felt like my old self again.
The rest of the night was much of the same. Hunter and I fell back into the comfortable, familiar rhythm of friends who didn’t mind if things went a little further.
When I put back more beer than he did, he obliged my desire to slow dance and make out. I let him kiss me, more than once, which was a step in the right direction. Instead of the distant flashes of my nightmares that I’d expected, I thought of Jordan as I kissed Hunter. Of that kiss out in the field. Jordan was right, Hunter was a great kisser but he didn’t make me moan like Jordan did.
There might have been a time where I went on a date with Hunter to make Jordan jealous. But, I didn’t keep going back because of that. Hunter made me happy. Hunter made it easy to forget all the other things. There wasn’t any spark, not like there had been with Jordan in that field. But, there wasn’t any pressure either. Being with Hunter was easy.
I hated that I continued to think of Jordan even when Hunter drove me home. I promised to call him soon. Hunter was no pressure, he was safe. Jordan hadn’t been safe, and there was all the pressure in the world on me whenever he was close. Not only did he remind me of all the things I didn’t want to remember, but of all the things I’d run away from. The worst part was he could see it when I attempted to pull away—and usually why.
I kissed Hunter before I climbed from his truck. I couldn’t help but feel cheeky, sneaking home drunk after making out with a boy. I reveled in it. For once in the past year I was happy, alive, and normal.
My good humor was short lived.
“You can’t be serious.” I grumbled at the large, familiar form that unfolded from a chair on my darkened back porch. “Really?”
I tried to push past him at the top of the steps, but I wasn’t on my game. Too late, or early as it was, and I was too drunk. I fumbled as I spoke. “I want to go to bed. I think I said all I had to say to you.”
“Yeah, well.” Jordan caught me as I stumbled on the top step. His hand spread out across the small of my back, offering steady pressure as it sent tendrils of heat flashing across the spot he touched. Tendrils of heat that leaped across my skin and left me instantly aroused. “I haven’t said my piece yet.”
I jerked away from his touch and spun away down the steps. I was angry, because I didn’t want to deal with him. Angrier still because I didn’t want to deal with my feelings for him and what they had cost me.
Jordan just proved he was the ultimate buzzkill.
“I’m being accosted in my own back yard, and where is my family? My parents have no idea you’re here, do they? No, they probably know. Of course, they know. Who would tell the almighty Jordan Slater that he can’t sit on their porch in the dark like some creepy stalker until their daughter comes home?”
Jordan ignored my drunken tirade. His long strides moved me away from the house. With one look at the arrogance on his face, I forgot all about feeling bad earlier for manipulating his emotions.
“I wanted to make sure you were all right. Breanna told me you’d be home soon, so I waited.” Somehow, he’d maneuvered me to the trampoline, out of earshot of nosy sisters.
“That makes this less stalker-like, how?” Not out of ear shot of shrilly girl shrieks. A light flicked on in my house and curtains ruffled. No one came out to rescue me, much to my disappointment.
He crossed his arms and gave his head a slight tilt, as if he were dealing with an insolent child. His arrogant stance only made me angrier.
I stopped short of pouting. “As you can see, I’m fine.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I was happily drunk until I found you lurking around on my porch.” There was no response, so I gave a loud huffing sigh and mirrored his pose.
He threw up his hands in mock defeat. “You’re right. I shouldn’t even be here.”
“Finally, you make sense.”
“Me? You’ve got to be kidding me.” He snorted and jabbed his finger in my face. “Twenty-four hours ago, you were practically throwing yourself at me, begging me to touch you, and then tonight you’re making out with another guy? That makes sense? That’s not you, Raelynn.”
Outrage quickly morphed into something else, hot tears pricked at my eyes. He didn’t know me, had no idea what I’d done or what I’d allowed to happen to me. The logical part of my brain knew he had no way of knowing my secrets. Yet, Jordan’s words stung so badly because of those secrets.
My lips trembled as I spoke quietly, my words enunciated slowly, as I battled back the alcohol driven emotion in my voice. “I never threw myself at you.”
“Then what was that, Rae? Payback? Have you been waiting years to do that to me?”
Shocked, I staggered back. “Stay away from me, Slater.” Using his last name had the desired effect…he cringed.
It all came rushing back. The accusation in his voice, the truth in what he said. I’d heard these things before, I’d been made to feel this way before. I fisted my hands at my sides and glared at him through the haze of hot tears.
There was a time when I’d laid everything I was at his feet. He turned me away. That rejection clouded every decision I’d made after that. Payback? I couldn’t pay that back, it wasn’t in me. Even if it was, I loved him too much to hurt him the way he’d hurt me.
All of this, every bit of it, was because of that moment. That one moment when I’d told Jordan Slater I’d loved him and he’d told me to leave.
“No.” When I tried to spin past him he pulled me to his chest. “What happened to you?”
“Get off me.” I struggled to free myself from his grasp. Still, I wasn’t scared, not of Jordan.
I was angry.
“I know you, Raelynn.” If he’d been afraid he would scare me before, he wasn’t now. “Or at least I thought I did. Tell me what’s going on in your head.” He bent and pressed his forehead against mine, knocking the ball cap back but not off. “Tell me why you came home.”
When I looked in his eyes I thought I’d see judgment or shame, even that sneering self-righteousness Caleb had. I didn’t see any of those things, what I saw was somehow worse. Empathy, a soft look that maybe could be something else.
“All those things I thought I knew about you, made it really hard to tell you to leave.” He closed his eyes. “When all I wanted was to beg you to stay. Stay now, tell me who hurt you.”
“Don’t you dare.” When I struggled this time, he let me go. “That’s not fair.” I was gasping back sobs, fighting a tidal wave of pain and longing. I needed room to breathe, space not occupied by Jordan and all the could have beens.
“Isn’t it? Wasn’t your goal tonight to hurt me? To prove that you’d been right all along?” He laughed without humor, it was a haunting sound that I couldn’t turn away from. He plucked the hat off his head and rubbed a hand over the stubble beneath. “Well kid, you did. You proved your point, and now all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry that whatever happened to you, happened. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay, because I didn’t tell you what I really felt.”
I’d been so sure I hadn’t gone with Hunter to hurt Jordan. Yet there had been something gratifying in the way he’d reacted when he saw Hunter talking to me. The longer I was back home, the more I began to think Caleb was right about me. There was nothing to love here, I wasn’t worthy of Jordan, Hunter, or even Devin.
Because I was casting blame and throwing stones. Because a part of me had blamed Jordan all along.
His eyes were wild as realization dawned on me. His voice, husky with emotion. “The most fucked up part? Even knowing that my best friend is in love with you, I wanted it. All of it, all of you. Even that day I told you to go…”
“Stop,” I whispered through tears, my words caught by the night. “Please stop.”
With his thumb, he brought my chin up and wiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks. “When I saw Hunter talking to you, I wanted to knock his teeth out. When he kissed you, I wanted to break his face.”
“Jordan please—”
He cut me off with his lips crushing on mine. This wasn’t an easy kiss. It was a kiss filled with bad intentions. I had to cling to his shirt to stay upright. The fear, the anger, the pain, they were all swallowed up by the kiss. Everything Hunter’s kisses had lacked, this one had in spades.
Jordan’s tongue sought mine with hungry urgency. It was maddening to taste him, to feel the strength in his body pressing against mine. He made me forget all those things I kept locked away. I slid into the kiss and didn’t hate myself for it. I slid my hands up his chest and wanted more.
I forgot it all, every bad thing and every bad touch. It was all Jordan.
I was reeling when he pulled away, no amount of beer could have left me that drunk. All the emotion that had been so tightly locked away came rushing back when he touched me.
I hated myself for feeling that way, and I hated him for making me feel.
Caleb had raped me, taken away everything that made me feel whole, all the parts of me I’d thought I was saving for Jordan Slater. Here I stood staring at the man who’d sent me running straight for the devil that broke me. My truths were on the tip of my tongue.
His chest, strong and wide, rose and fell in rapid breaths, telling me he was as stunned by the potency of that sensual kiss as I was.
A part of me whispered that if he knew, he could keep me safe. And maybe I could have what I always wanted. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I didn’t want to be that girl who got herself into trouble and ran straight for the boy next door.
Unable to trust myself, I turned and walked away. I hated myself even more when I ran into the house without looking back.
****
Monday morning dawned early that week. I’d been home long enough to settle in, now it was time to get back to work. Find a rhythm, find something solid to grasp onto. I couldn’t float through life. My parents had decided I’d go back to work at the shop until I finished up my degree. It was a job I took pride in, we all did.
Breanna rode to work with me that morning. As much as I wasn’t a morning person, she was less. She huddled over her coffee in the passenger seat and occasionally made grumbling noises. Grumbling or not, it was the first time I’d been alone with her since the incident with Jordan in the back yard.
“So, what did Jordan say to you?” I fought a losing battle to keep my voice neutral.
She scowled across the front of the Jeep. It was still too early to cut through her crappy mood enough to make her feel guilty. “Say to me?”
“To make you tell him when I was on my way home last night?”
She groaned groggy annoyance. “I don’t even remember. What does it matter?”
“Because, you are my sister.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously. You’re my sister, your loyalty should be to me.”
Breanna scoffed before sipping her coffee.
“This is serious, Breanna.”
She laughed. It didn’t annoy me as much as it had when we were younger. “You can’t sit here and tell me that you didn’t get a little tingle of excitement when he was waiting on you. You’ve always wanted to come home and find Jordan waiting on you. I know, I read your diary once.”
I didn’t respond, because if I said no it would be lying. Not that I was above lying in extreme circumstances, but lying to family wasn’t something I was willing to do.
It made me angrier that she was right, more so than she’d read my diary as kids. What would she think of my diary now, if I still kept one?
“Besides, I don’t even know what I told him. He called looking for you, that’s all I remember.”
After several long moments of my pointedly ignoring her, Breanna shifted in the seat. “So, what happened?”
I concentrated on my driving. “Nothing.”
“Whatever, if it was nothing you wouldn’t be trying to stay mad at me.”
“With that snarky tone of voice, I don’t have to try to be mad at you,” I growled.
Breanna shook her long dark hair. The scent of Jasmine followed. “Raelynn, you have two, not one but two super-hot guys that would walk through fire to be with you. If you count Hunter, that makes three. Don’t act victimized, you’re loving every minute of this.”
She slammed the door to the truck before I’d even gotten it fully parked in front of the shop. My sister had said a lot of things to me in our lives, she’d even hit me a few times. But, what she said struck me worse than a slap across the face. She had no idea, none at all, of my feelings or desires. To Breanna it was all a game.
I knew better.