Chapter Eleven
Ainsley eyed the wicker contraption she and Victoria were pulling along the smooth path. “Are you sure this is safe?”
“Oh, yes. Angus spent a great deal of time working on it. He saw an illustration of a children’s cart in a gazette and worked very hard to improve on the design.”
“But those carts are generally for older children. And they are usually pulled by dogs, not people, are they not?”
“Angus originally thought the dogs could pull this,” Victoria said wryly, “but Royal put his foot down. Could you imagine the terriers careening around the park with poor Tira in tow?”
“The mind reels.”
Still, the little carriage seemed quite sturdy. Angus had mounted a wicker bassinet on a base that resembled a small pushcart. Lined with blankets, the bassinet served as a comfortable cocoon for Tira to venture out into the world—or at least as far as around the garden square in front of Kendrick House.
“The pull handles were a good addition,” Ainsley admitted. “But we must look rather ridiculous.”
They’d received more than a few startled glances from the nannies and nursemaids who were quite sensibly carrying their charges or helping the toddlers walk. Or perhaps they were simply agog at the sight of aristocratic ladies trundling a cart around the square, especially when one of those ladies happened to be the Countess of Arnprior.
“It’s splendid exercise,” Victoria said. “I hate being cooped up in the house all day.”
“Yes, splendid.” Ainsley tried to ignore the perspiration trickling down her spine. “Let’s muck out the stables next.”
Victoria laughed. “Poor Ainsley. But you must agree this outing worked on Tira.”
“Thank God.” Ainsley twisted a bit to peer into the carriage. “She’s finally
asleep.”
After a week of rainy weather, today’s sunshine had prompted this much-needed stroll. Nicholas and Victoria had arrived in Glasgow a few days ago, and the commotion of their arrival—and the surprise over Ainsley and Royal’s engagement—was only now settling down. Victoria was clearly eager for a private chat, and Ainsley was just as eager to escape from a household full of loud and opinionated Kendrick males.
Spending quiet time with Tira was a bonus. As grateful as Ainsley was to Royal, she couldn’t get past the notion that he and the other Kendrick men were constantly judging her fitness as a mother and finding her lacking. Naturally, Angus was the worst, offering a stream of comments that detailed the failings of English women in general and Ainsley in particular. Unfortunately, the old man’s assessment tended to be more accurate than not, and today was another case in point.
Tira had started fussing as soon as they left the house. By the time they reached the park she’d worked up a full head of steam. Ainsley had done her best to soothe her until finally admitting defeat and handing her over to Victoria. After the countess had rocked Tira through the worst of the storm, they’d wheeled her around the small park and the motion of the cart finally lulled her to sleep.
It had been another monumentally discouraging episode. At least only Victoria had been witness to Ainsley’s inability to comfort her own child.
“I don’t suppose we dare sit on that bench,” she said. “If we stop moving, she might wake up.”
Victoria peeked under the light throw draped over the top of the bassinet. “I think she’ll sleep for a while. She’s exhausted from all that crying.”
Ainsley sighed. “Whenever I get close it’s like a bell goes off in her head. Even the dogs have taken to hiding when I come to visit, and you know how they usually stick to Tira’s side.”
“She’s teething, dearest,” Victoria said. “That’s why she’s so fussy. It’s not you, I promise.”
When Ainsley gave her a look, her friend wrinkled her nose. “Well, maybe it’s you just a wee bit, but only because Tira doesn’t know you yet. And it doesn’t help that there’s been a great deal of commotion at the house.”
“But it’s been over a week since I arrived. And she positively hated
the doll I bought for her,” she added rather inanely, referring to the very pretty and very expensive doll she now held in her free hand. “It’s like I’m cursed, or the blasted doll is.”
Ainsley had put it in the carriage, hoping to divert her daughter from her tears. Tira had wailed like a banshee until the doll was hastily removed.
“I’m her mother. She should
know me.” When she waved the doll in frustration, the wretched thing’s starched cambric bonnet fell off and landed in a mud puddle.
“Hell and damnation,” she muttered as she bent to retrieve it. She jammed it back onto the doll’s head, even though it was now a sodden mess.
“Babies don’t think rationally,” Victoria said. “They’re much like men in that respect.”
Ainsley gave her a rueful smile. “I know I’m acting like a bigger baby than Tira. At least she expresses her dissatisfaction with a good, healthy cry. I spend most of my days whining and driving everyone crazy.”
“Dearest, you’ve been through a traumatic time. You have every right to be frustrated and worried. And you’re still exhausted, I’m sure.”
“I shouldn’t be, since Edie and Alec spoil me to bits.”
Even though she spent most days at Kendrick House, Ainsley returned every night to the Gilbrides’ manor on the outskirts of the city. She would have preferred to stay close to Tira, but Royal insisted on strict propriety so as to tamp down the burgeoning gossip.
“But it’s never easy to live a lie, is it?” Victoria said with a shrewd glance. “Even when the lie is necessary.”
“No, and I’m living with more than one at the moment.”
She’d piled up so many it was hard to keep them straight. There were the out-and-out fabrications, and then there were the lies of omission—the truths she didn’t dare tell anyone, even Royal. In some ways, those were the worst.
They wheeled the carriage to a bench underneath a sheltering oak. The genteel, quiet square was almost deserted, with only a few nursemaids and their charges, along with a footman hurrying through on an errand. After carefully maneuvering the carriage into the shade, Ainsley and Victoria sank gratefully onto the bench.
“At least all the lying is keeping me safe,” Ainsley said. “That’s some consolation.”
“The Kendricks will keep you safe, even Angus. Never doubt that.”
“I have to admit the old fellow has surprised me in that regard, although I know it’s truly about Tira.” She sighed. “It’s mind-boggling how good he is with her.”
Any baby in her right mind should prefer her doting mother to a grumpy Highlander who looked and acted like he’d escaped from a lunatic asylum.
“Angus is better with Tira than anyone, including her nursemaids,” Victoria said. “It’s rather endearing, when you think about it.”
“I try very hard not
to think about it,” Ainsley replied.
“He’s a trial, I know. It took me weeks to bring him around, but I eventually managed it.”
“That’s because you’re a miracle worker and a saint. I, unfortunately, am neither.”
“The trick is to understand that everything Angus does, no matter how bizarre, is out of loyalty to family and clan.”
“Emphasis on bizarre
,” Ainsley said, forcing a smile.
Victoria saw through her halfhearted jest. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
“I don’t know why I even care. It’s not as if Angus is trying to prevent Royal from marrying me. It’s . . . it’s just that I know how much he dislikes me.” She forced another pitiful excuse for a smile. “I’m usually the one with her nose stuck up in the air. I suppose it’s only fitting that I finally get a taste of my own medicine.”
Victoria warmly pressed her hand. “It’s not personal with Angus.”
“I must say, it feels rather personal when he makes a point of detailing all my failings, especially when Royal isn’t about.”
“You must realize that Angus is acting so hideously only because he’s afraid of you.”
She frowned. “Really? Does he think I’ll change my mind and take Tira away? Because I’d never do that.”
“No, it’s Royal he worries about.” Victoria hesitated for a moment. “Angus is afraid you’ll hurt him again. Royal was something of a wreck after the last time.”
Ainsley mentally grimaced. She’d been so focused on Tira and worrying about her own fate that she’d not focused much on her betrothed’s state of mind. Nor had she and Royal spent any time alone this last week. He was either busy with work or there were other Kendricks lurking about, making private conversation impossible.
She was beginning to suspect he was avoiding her. For a man who’d once sworn undying devotion, Royal hadn’t so much as tried to steal a kiss or make the slightest romantic overture. Perhaps he felt the same fears as his family.
“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the family thinks that way. Royal and I did fight like barbarians on more than one occasion.” She threw Victoria a smile. “I suspect Angus isn’t the only one who worries what will happen once I have Royal in my evil clutches.”
“My husband worries about everyone, so you’ll have to get used to that. As for the twins, I’d say their feelings about you could best be described as terrified.”
“I was quite hard on them during that blasted elopement, wasn’t I?”
“Grant said he was afraid you were going to steal a pistol from one of the grooms and shoot him and Graeme.”
“I actually threatened to do just that.” Though it seemed almost comical now, it hadn’t been one of her better moments.
“The twins will come around, I promise. And Logan and Kade certainly like you, so they’re no problem.”
Ainsley scoffed. “Logan Kendrick likes anything that’s female and well proportioned, so I don’t put much stock in his approval. Kade, however, is a genuinely nice boy. I haven’t a clue why he likes me so much.”
“He’s at a rather impressionable age. So, let’s just say you made quite
the impression on him,” Victoria said with a twinkle.
“Too bad the others aren’t equally impressionable.”
“Dearest, it truly only matters what Royal thinks.”
Ainsley raised a hand in frustration. “But I don’t know
what he’s thinking. I can usually tell, but these days he’s like a cypher.”
“One generally has to be quite firm before Royal will admit that something is bothering him.”
“It’s not what I was expecting, to tell you the truth,” Ainsley said. “Even when we fought, we always seemed to understand each other.” It was as if they were somehow connected beyond words, although it sounded too silly to voice such a thought.
“I think he’s nervous. That’s why he’s being so careful with you.”
“But he’s never been nervous before, Victoria. Royal and I are always
stepping on each other’s toes. It’s what we do.”
“But now you have a daughter to worry about. That’s bound to affect your relationship.”
“Not for the better, apparently. I’m not sure he trusts me anymore.”
While Victoria frowned, apparently thinking about that observation, Ainsley took the opportunity to peek into the carriage. It was as much to check on her daughter as to cover up her embarrassment. Discovering that Tira slept soundly, she had no choice but to meet her friend’s sympathetic gaze.
“Are you afraid Royal no longer has feelings for you?” Victoria asked.
That was precisely her fear. While their marriage might never be conventional, she’d hoped to create a satisfying, affectionate relationship with Royal and a loving family life for Tira. It was depressing to contemplate that he might only have agreed to marry her out of some dreary sense of duty. All she wanted was a bit of love, for both their sakes.
You’re a sentimental fool.
“It doesn’t matter,” Ainsley replied. “All that matters is that Tira is happy and I get to be with her.”
Victoria rolled her eyes. “Royal adores you as much as ever, you goose.”
“He’s got a funny way of showing it, since he’s acting like I’ve got some horrid disease.”
“I suspect his behavior stems from an excess of emotion rather than a lack of it.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“His feelings for you are, shall we say, robust,” Victoria explained. “Physically as well as emotionally.”
Ainsley’s cheeks grew warm. “He didn’t tell you that, did he?”
“God, no. He’d shoot himself if he knew we were having this conversation. But it’s obvious to me that he would be delighted to get you alone and, er . . .”
“Have his way with me.”
“Indeed.”
Ainsley fussed with the lace trim on the doll’s dress, trying to sort through the confusing emotions roiling through her.
“And how do you
feel about Royal in that regard?” Victoria prompted.
“I’m not sure. Sometimes I quite desperately want him to kiss me, and . . . and do other things. But then at other times . . .”
“At other times, it frightens you,” Victoria finished.
“Yes. Whenever memories of what Cringlewood did rush back in a horribly vivid wave, the idea of anyone touching me seems impossible.” She held the wretched doll in a death grip. “It’s awful, and I can’t seem to control when it happens.”
Victoria gently pried Ainsley’s fingers off the doll. “Here, give me that poor thing before you break it.”
“What difference would it make?” she groused. “Tira hates it.”
“No, she doesn’t. Besides, it’s your first gift to her, which makes it special.”
Ainsley gave her a weak smile. “I’m being an idiot, aren’t I?”
“You are not,” Victoria said firmly. “It’s quite a natural reaction, as I know from my own experience. And your trauma was far greater than mine. Royal is worried about the effects of your assault, and is therefore treading carefully.”
Ainsley shook her head, disgusted with herself. “Oh, good Lord. He’s afraid to touch me because of what Cringlewood did to me. Why did I not see that?”
Because you never think about anyone but yourself.
She slammed the door on that accusatory voice, one that sounded remarkably like her father’s. That person wasn’t her anymore—not since Tira had come into her life.
“I’m sure Royal is afraid of provoking some hurtful emotions for you,” Victoria said. “He’s sensitive that way because of his own experience. After Waterloo, nightmares haunted him for months, according to Nicholas.”
“Nightmares caused by the injury? But he never says anything about that. The man’s a complete stoic.”
Her friend cast her a surprised glance. “You do know that he was left unattended on the battlefield for hours after he was wounded? People thought him already dead. It was quite a harrowing situation until Nicholas finally found him.”
Ainsley gaped at her, horrified.
Victoria winced. “Oh, I thought Royal must have told you.”
“No, but you certainly can.”
“Well. I think it would be best if you discuss it directly with him.”
“That’s not fair. He’ll never tell me, at this rate.”
“He will when he’s ready. I only raised the issue to explain his behavior. His experience has taught him that wounds to the psyche often require more time to heal than wounds to the body.”
Ainsley shook her head. “Well, there’s one thing that’s obvious.”
“What’s that?”
“My betrothed and I are quite a mess, so we’re perfectly matched. Although these days, Royal is less of a disaster than I am, which is annoying. I’m not used to being so chicken-hearted.”
“Please don’t be so hard on yourself,” Victoria said. “You reacted to a terrible assault with true strength of character. I’m in awe of how capably you managed the whole thing.”
“Up to a point, I suppose. I’ve still got the awful Cringlewood to deal with.” She poked her friend in the shoulder. “And I don’t mean to sound envious, but at least you got to kill your attacker.”
Victoria let out a strangled laugh. “Good God, you’re as bad as Angus.”
“He approved of your killing the evil Sassenach
, didn’t he? Maybe I should tell Angus what happened to me and see if I can persuade him to murder the vile marquess.”
“No one is murdering anyone,” Victoria said firmly. “Besides, you forget that accidentally
killing my assailant put me in a terrible position. I was arrested and then later almost murdered myself. That’s certainly not what I would call good fortune.”
“It turned out all right in the end, though. The Kendrick brothers saved you, you were cleared of any charges, and you married the Earl of Arnprior. Well done.”
Victoria looked incredulous. “I repeat, that almost got me killed in the process.”
Ainsley flapped a hand. “I know, I know. But at least you defended yourself, Victoria. You fought back
.”
“Ah. That’s what’s troubling you. You didn’t fight back.”
Ainsley looked down at her lap, unable to meet her friend’s sympathetic gaze. It looked too much like one of pity, and she was so tired of feeling pitiable.
“I froze,” she admitted. “And I hate
that I did. It was like my mind and body went blank.” Like a stupid, frightened rabbit.
Victoria took her hand. “You were stunned, dearest. Shock is a natural reaction to a horrible event that is taking place.”
Ainsley slid her a sideways glance. “But you
pushed past the shock.”
“I’d been warned, so I was partly prepared. And don’t forget I was raised in a coaching inn and taught to defend myself. Young ladies of the ton
are generally not, unfortunately.”
“We’re only taught to embroider handkerchiefs, look pretty, and bat our eyelashes at idiot men,” Ainsley said bitterly. “Women like me are utterly useless when it comes to taking care of ourselves.”
After the attack, she’d stumbled up to her room, and rage had consumed her like a terrible fire, turning her body inside out. As she’d emptied her stomach in the chamber pot, she’d thought about finding a gun and killing the bastard. Doing something—anything
—that might assuage the awful sense of violation.
“It was a terrible betrayal,” Victoria said, “and by a man you should have been able to trust above all others. You could not have anticipated it.”
“I never really trusted him, you know. I should have realized what he was capable of, and I’m still angry that I didn’t.”
“Nonsense. Your anger should only
be directed at Cringlewood and at your family for not protecting you. So no more talk of blaming yourself, Ainsley Matthews. Are we clear?”
She smiled. “You are an excellent friend, Lady Arnprior. I don’t think I deserve you.”
Victoria gave her a quick hug. “You certainly do, just like you deserve Royal. But you must talk to him about what’s bothering you. You’ll never sort this out if you don’t.”
“Talking is a bit of a challenge, when all I see is his backside exiting whichever room I happen to be in.”
Victoria laughed. “Ainsley, you have never let Royal get away with anything, so don’t start now. Lock him in a room if you have to, but make him talk.”
“You’re right, of course. I’ve let this go on for too long. It’s time he and I talk about how we truly feel about each other. How we’re going to make this marriage work.”
Despite that it was less than two weeks until they would be man and wife, they’d yet to discuss the details, including what they expected of each other in the bedroom. That particular topic hovered over them like an anxious ghost.
“Excellent, and I think you’re going to get your chance sooner rather than later.” Victoria nodded toward the opposite side of the park. “I see your betrothed coming to join us right now.”