Almost twelve hours have passed since his finger was on my lip and I can still feel his touch. The way my skin burned and my body hummed with want was unreal. It wasn’t just the alcohol pushing me on, either. It was Roan, it’s what he does to me. It’s what he’s always done to me. There is no explanation for the way he can make me forget about the world around me.

My cell phone rings, and I reach for it, still halfway lost in thought. I don’t know who the number belongs to, but it doesn’t matter. “Hello,” I answer, and when his deep voice sounds, my heart thuds.

“How’s my girl doing?”

“Oh my God! Tobias, is it really you?”

“It’s me. I told you I’d call you the second I was back in the States.”

“I thought you weren’t going to be back for at least another year.”

“Me, too, but our work in Lithuania is done, so I got to come home.”

“Home as in Boston, home?”

“Yes!”

“Oh my God,” I say again, my voice full of excitement. “We have to do dinner and catch up.”

“I’d love that,” he says, and I don’t think I realized how much I missed him until now. When he left to go overseas and do missionary work, it killed me. That last year of school without him around was terrible, I felt so alone. I’d lost my best friend.

“How’s tonight, seven o’clock, I can pick you up at your place?”

“I’d love that, I’ll text you my address. God, Tobias, it’s so good to hear your voice.”

“You too, Mia, you too.”

After talking to Tobias, it’s strange how I actually have something to look forward to after work.

Tobias is . . . how do I say this? Things were so complex between us. He is my ex . . . kind of. No. Not my ex. We were, I mean are best friends, and one night, we let alcohol get the better of us. That led to us hooking up, or trying to, but Tobias is gay. And then it really made things super awkward for a while. I had no idea he was into men, but once he explained that he’d been struggling with it his whole life and was scared to accept it, I understood. I’m still not sure if he’s come out of the closet yet or not, though.

The rest of the day flies by, and before I know it, I’m the last one in the office. Before getting up from my desk, I click save on my speech and then print it. I’m going to have Tobias read it tonight because I know he’ll give me honest feedback. My phone rings and I answer, slinging my purse over my shoulder.

“What’s up, Chandler?” I ask.

“Please tell me you don’t have plans tonight.”

“Why?” I chuckle.

“I can’t get ahold of Roan, and I’m bored!”

“I’m sorry, I have a friend coming over for dinner.”

“Who? Do I know her?”

“No, Chandler! You don’t . . . and it’s a guy.”

“What the fuck?” I sigh. He’s such a hypocrite. He’s with a different girl every night, but the second I even hint at seeing someone, he freaks.

“It’s Tobias.”

“Ew, that douche from college who broke your heart?”

“He didn’t break my heart. Do you listen to anything I say?” Chandler must remember how upset I was after Tobias left to go do missionary work. I really was a mess.

“So, what? Are you two fucking?”

“Oh my God, who asks that?”

“I do. So, answer me.”

“No, he’s my friend—end of story.” I never told Chandler that Tobias is gay. It isn’t my place to blab his secret, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only person he’s told.

“Maybe you feel that way, but he’s a guy, and he’s gonna want in your pants. I’m coming over.”

“Chandler, if you show up at my house tonight, I will never talk to you again.” I put my car in park before going inside.

“You couldn’t do that.”

“Oh, I could. Now, I’m sure you have about a gazillion women you can call to hang out with. Or how’s this . . . have a night alone.”

“Clearly, you’ve lost your mind. I don’t hang out alone. Have fun with ‘your friend.’ Good night, Mia.”

He hangs up, and I head into my apartment. As I enter, I set my stuff down and slide my shoes off. God, my feet feel so amazing against my plush carpet. As much as I want my feet not to hurt anymore, I want wine more, so I move to the kitchen and grab a bottle, a wine key, and a glass. My phone chimes with a text just as I’m popping the cork.

Tobias: What do you think if I bring some takeout over and we eat in and just catch up?

Me: I was just opening a bottle of wine. You know I’d love that. What are you thinking?

Tobias: Thai?

Me: That sounds great.

Tobias: You want your usual?

Me: Yes, please. The door is open, so just come in.

I swear Tobias and I lived on Thai food in college. There was a little hole in the wall place right across from campus, and we’d eat there at least five days a week.

Tobias: Great, see you soon. Can’t wait, Mia.

We hang up, and I take my large glass of wine with me into my bedroom, relishing in the sweetness as it rolls down my throat. I strip off my uncomfortable pencil skirt and silk top. In turn, I pull on a pair of yoga pants and a T-shirt. Right as I pull my hair up, there is a knock at my door.

I swear if it’s Chandler, I will kick him so hard. I know there is no way it’s Tobias yet. Yanking open the door angrily, I’m completely taken aback to find Roan standing there with his head bowed. He runs his fingers through his hair as he brings his dark eyes to mine. God, the way he’s looking at me makes me weak in the knees, and I’m not really sure what to do. “I’m sorry, I should’ve called first. But I don’t have your—”

“It’s okay,” I nervously respond, gripping onto the side of the door as I search for the strength to pull myself together. “Come in,” I tell him and step aside.

I can’t believe he is here. Why is he here?

He walks past me, and my eyes drop to the way his dress slacks hug every delicious curve of his ass. Then as I look down at myself in my frumpy clothes, I feel a bit mortified.

“Do you want a glass of wine?” I ask as I grab mine, hoping I can find some encouragement within it.

“No. I’m good. Your place is nice, Mia.”

Shit, don’t say my name like that.

“Thanks, I . . . I like it here.”

“You lived here long?”

“No, not long at all.”

He’s staring out my balcony at the view of the Massachusetts Bay, and like I always do, I get lost in him and how fucking perfect he is. But as he turns around, his forehead is creased, and it’s clear that something is bothering him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.

“Not really.” 

“Then why are you here?”

“I didn’t know where else to go, Mia.”

Fuck. He did it again.

“What happened?” I push him, knowing that it’s the only way I’ll get anything from him. If I don’t, he’ll stand there brooding until I shut the lights off and go to bed.

“You know how Chandler was giving you a hard time about helping me with my girls and the birds and bees talk?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I had the talk, and my oldest isn’t a virgin.”

I don’t really know what to say to that, so I say the dumbest thing I probably could. “Oh my God.” I flush and mentally berate myself. That’s the best I could come up with? I could only imagine how hard the news was for him to hear.

Tears prick his eyes as I search for the words to make things better, but I have nothing. Reaching over, I touch his hand, and he flips his palm to mine and twines our fingers together. Before either of us can speak another word, Tobias barges through my front door and bellows, “Honey, I’m home,” giving us his best Ricky Ricardo impersonation. I’m sure the entire building hears him, and I want to laugh. This is something he used to do all the time in school, but the expression on Roan’s face keeps the smile far from mine.

“Shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company,” Tobias says, and I turn my attention to Roan, whose eyes are bouncing between Tobias’s face and the bags in his hands. I know exactly what this looks like to him. He’s pulling away from me and striding to the door before I can so much as take a breath.

“Roan, wait!” I call out, chasing after him.

He doesn’t stop and somehow slips into the elevator. When I reach it, the doors are closing, and the look on his face breaks my heart.

Fuuuuuckkkk!

Angrily, I bite the side of my index finger. How could this go so wrong? I glance down the hallway at Tobias, who’s watching me from the entrance of my apartment. His blue eyes show worry, and his perfectly combed hair is exactly as I remember. “I’m so sorry,” he says when I’m back within earshot.

“It’s okay.”

“Is that him?” Tobias asks as he sets the bags on my counter and I lock the door behind us. He is the only person in the world I ever told about Roan.

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“He’s younger than I expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you always talked about him like he was eons older than you.”

“He is . . . like almost a decade older than I am.”

“Whatever, I thought he was like fifty, not thirty.” I shake my head as a smile pulls at the corners of his lips. “It’s too good to see you,” he says, opening his arms wide for me. I walk right into them and hug him as tightly as he hugs me.

“You, too.”

“Wanna talk about why he was here?”

“No.” I sigh. It wasn’t as if Roan came here to confess his love for me or anything. He came to vent. As much as Tobias loves me, I know he wouldn’t have any interest talking about a teenage girl’s sex life.

“Come on, you know I’m the only person you can talk to about him.”

I sit on the couch and take a gulp of my wine as he looks at me, waiting for me to respond to him. “Don’t look at me like that. It really was nothing.”

“Well, if it was nothing, then why aren’t you telling me,” he says.

“He just showed up. He’s having some issues with his daughters, which is what he was telling me about when you barged in.”

“Was this the first time you’ve seen him since you got back? Hell, the last I heard, you hadn’t even seen him since that night.”

“I avoided him for a while, but my brother invited him to an interview I did. That’s where it all went wrong, Tobias.”

“You know you wanted to see him. Mia, he’s the one for you.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Come on, don’t be like that. I know you pretty damn well. We spent years together in college and you compared every guy to Roan. You’re only into him, and that’s okay. Clearly, he’s into you. He came here tonight to talk to you about his problems.”

“And I ruined it, now I’m sure he thinks that I have some secret boyfriend.”

“No he doesn’t, and you know what? You can tell him I’m gay.”

“I can?” The news of Tobias being so open about his sexuality comes as a shock.

“Yeah, I’m finally out of the closet—completely.”

“Well, that’s great news. What made you finally do it?” I ask him and give him another hug. I know how worried he was about telling everyone.

“I met someone in Honduras, and everything changed. He showed me how to accept myself first, and by doing that, I’ve had the confidence to tell my family and, just like you told me they would, they were happy.” He has tears of joy in his eyes, and I couldn’t be happier. “Now, enough switching the subject here. You have to talk to him, Mia.”

“I’ll try, but he won’t listen. He’ll just push me away like he always does.”

“Then make him listen to you. If I learned one thing about you over the years, it’s that you’re the strongest woman I know and so determined. Roan might need a little coaxing, but you can do it.”

“You really think I’m strong?”

“Absolutely, I do.”

“But what if I tell him and he feels the same way? I still have my brother—Roan’s best friend and business partner—to worry about. He doesn’t want me with him.”

“Fuck that. Does he run every woman that he’s with by you? Call you up to ask your permission?”

I shake my head, thinking about what Tobias just said. I hate that he’s right. I . . . I can’t let Chandler run my life. Yes, he raised me and probably thinks what he’s doing is best for me. But he doesn’t understand what I feel deep inside for Roan. Hell, I’m not sure if I even understand it. But what I do know is, I’ve been with other guys and nothing or no one compares to him, and it isn’t just that one night he and I shared. It’s so much more. Roan was always there for me, especially when my parents passed. Deep down, I think I’ve loved him my entire life. He is truly the embodiment of what I want. I’m just not sure how to make it my reality.