CHAPTER 1
I widened my stance in the doorway and moved my hands to my hips. A million thoughts raced through my head as rage filled my heart. Jackson and Kennedy’s instincts were right — Asher wasn’t the man he claimed to be. I glared into his weary eyes, silently demanding answers. Asher let out a deep breath and leaned back against the wall. Rachel quickly moved between us, meeting my eyes with equal hostility.
“You were eavesdropping.” She narrowed her eyes and folded her arms defensively across her chest.
“You sabotaged my work as some sort of test,” I countered without missing a beat. “And apparently the two of you are hiding some sort of dark, twisted history. I think my actions are a little less questionable than yours.”
I pushed my way past her and stood in front of Asher. Half of me wanted to reach out and gently caress his face, pleading for answers. The other half wanted to slap his stupid, lying face.
“Lauren, I’m so sorry,” he began slowly. He raised his chin and stared at me with soft, apologetic eyes.
“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. And I did intend for you to find out, sweetheart. I just wasn’t sure how to tell you. I—”
“You’re talking in circles, and it’s making me dizzy,” I interrupted. “You said you love me, Asher. And I love you too. I thought I did, at least. And I hope I wasn’t wrong. But don’t I deserve to know who I’ve fallen in love with? Could you please just tell me why Rachel called you Billy and explain the ‘old life’ you referred to?”
“Of course I will,” he replied. He slowly moved his hand for mine; I didn’t pull away. My body warmed to his touch despite my anger, and my heart calmed in my chest.
There’s a simple explanation for this. There has to be. After everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve watched my friends go through, it’s my instinct to jump to the worst conclusion. But Asher is different. This has to be different.
“Why don’t we go to my office?” he whispered, his voice dripping with desperation. “You’re right, you deserve to know who I really am. I should have explained this weeks ago…”
“I hate to be the voice of reality, but we’re scheduled to lead a staff meeting in half an hour,” Rachel chimed in. She perched on the arm of her small sofa, glaring up at us with impatient eyes.
“Ash, I can’t stop you from telling Lauren the truth, if that’s really what you want to do. But let me remind you how hard we’ve both worked to get to where we are now. This isn’t just your future you’re risking here, but mine as well. Keeping that in mind, I think there are a few legal precautions we need to take before you spill your guts to your girlfriend here.”
Asher’s face turned white and he swallowed several times in succession. “I don’t need to be reminded of what’s at stake here, Rachel.” He took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders. “But as you said, this is my decision,” he continued. “I trust Lauren with my life. I will not insult her or our relationship by making her sign some sort of legal hush agreement.”
Rachel rolled her eyes and then glared at me while she spoke to Asher. “Whatever. Like you said, it’s your decision. Just remember, my ass will be on the line right beside yours if this backfires.”
Asher glanced into the open workspace and then rose to his feet. “I’ve kept your ass covered this long, haven’t I? Look, half the staff is here already. We can’t talk about this anymore. Reschedule the staff meeting for this afternoon. Lauren and I are going back to my place so I can get everything out in the open.”
“No,” I insisted abruptly. Asher turned to me, his brow lifted with confusion.
“No?”
“No, don’t reschedule the staff meeting. When I took this job, I promised myself I wouldn’t let our relationship interfere with my responsibilities. Rescheduling the presentation at the last minute is the complete opposite of the impression I want to make here. I’m going to my office to get my head on straight.”
I moved for the door and Asher reached out, taking me by the arm. “Lauren, rescheduling is really no big deal.”
“It is to me. And I need time, Asher. I’m not sure I even want to know what’s going on here. I need time to figure it out.”
I shook free of his grasp and slipped out the door. I heard Rachel say, “Just let her go,” as I escaped to my office. I locked the door behind me, closed my blinds, and sank down into my leather rolling chair.
I took a series of deep breaths and tried to organize the racing thoughts in my mind. My last words to Asher had been a lie. I very much wanted to know what he and Rachel were hiding. But I was also terrified of the truth.
I want to believe there’s a simple, innocent explanation for this. But I can’t. If it were simple, Rachel wouldn’t have tried to insist we get a lawyer involved before Asher tells me the story. What in the world are the two of them hiding? And will I still be able to love Asher once I’ve learned the truth?
My phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. I pulled my cell from my purse, relieved to see a friendly face on the screen.
“Good morning, Deacon,” I answered with a smile.
“Morning, Lauren. How’s corporate America treating you?” he teased.
“Ha, ha. There are worse things than getting a paycheck,” I reminded him. “And with this particular paycheck, I can afford all of the high end painting supplies my heart desires. How are things on your end? Have you started packing for Istanbul?”
“That’s actually why I’m calling. With everything that’s happening on that side of the world, Gale and I have had a change of heart,” he explained.
Relief flooded my chest. When my mentor had told me his plans to follow his archeologist wife to Turkey, my first thought had been for their safety.
“How’s Gale taking it? I know she was really looking forward to the dig. But I can’t say I’m not a little relieved. I guess it’s a good thing I haven’t sublet my place yet.”
“Gale’s actually really excited. She’s been offered a position on a dig in Australia. She’ll be stationed a few hours outside of Sydney. We’ve rented a flat in the city with plenty of room for me to paint. We leave Friday, so the townhouse is yours.”
“Thank you so much, Deacon. I’m so excited for you. Maybe I’ll use some of my sell out paycheck to buy a ticket to visit you.”
“Nothing would make us happier. We’re having a little going away dinner on Thursday night. If you and Asher aren’t busy, we’d love to see you there. Feel free to drop by any time after seven.”
“I’ll talk to Asher and get back with you,” I promised. Deacon must have heard the exhaustion in my voice.
“Are you okay, Lauren? No offense, but you sound a little…?”
“Tired?” I offered.
“No… overwhelmed. Is everything okay between you and Asher?”
“Everything’s fine,” I lied. “I’m about to give my first presentation. I’m a little nervous, that’s all.”
“Well, keep your head up and remember who you are,” he advised. “Those people are lucky to have you.”
“Thanks, Deacon. I’ll get back to you about Thursday.”
“Talk to you soon, Lauren.”
I ended the call and stared down at my phone. Deacon sounded so excited about his new adventure and I hadn’t wanted to bring him down with my drama. He also wasn’t the person I typically went to for relationship advice. I didn’t want to bring Kennedy down either, but I needed the kind of pep talk only she could give me. I hit her speed dial picture and held the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Lauren.”
“Kennedy, can you talk?”
“I’m on my way across town for a meeting. I can be yours for the next ten minutes.”
I glanced at my computer; I had exactly twelve minutes before the staff meeting started.
“Kennedy, I was wrong. I was so wrong, and you and Jackson were right.” The words fell out of my mouth with a bluntness that shocked both of us.
“Lauren, take a deep breath and tell me what happened.”
I told her how Rachel had sabotaged my presentation and my hunch that Asher had left home early that morning to confront her about it.
“I found them in her office together,” I explained. “Asher was yelling at Rachel, insisting that she didn’t need to test me. She argued back and called him Billy. Then he really lost it. He said something about being happy to see her when she tracked him down in his new life. He also said it doesn’t matter who they used be, only who they are now. That’s when I’d had enough and walked into the room.”
Kennedy let out a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Lauren. I hoped I was wrong. How did Asher explain himself?”
“He didn’t have a chance to. I’m leading my first staff meeting in ten minutes and I refused to let him reschedule it.”
“That’s smart,” she assured me. “You need to protect your career above all else. The people working under you already resent that Asher gave you the job instead of promoting one of them. Rescheduling their day because of your personal life would just make things worse.”
“I know. But I have to stand up in front of them in a few minutes and act like I’m collected and in control. And right now, I feel anything but.”
“That’s completely understandable. How did you leave things with Asher?”
“He promised we’d go home after the meeting and he’d tell me everything.”
Kennedy dropped her voice. “Do you really love him?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation, then added, “At least, I think I do. I love the person I’ve been with all of these weeks. I’m just not sure that person is real.”
“Lauren, there’s nothing I can say right now to make you feel better about this. You won’t feel anything but confused until you’ve had a chance to really talk to Asher. But if you want, I can give you a few tips on how to pull yourself together for the meeting.”
“I’m all ears.”
Kennedy took a deep breath and started slowly. “This is going to sound stupid. But you need to spend a few minutes imagining how pre-Asher Lauren would handle the meeting. You are brilliant, you are talented, and you’re more than qualified for your job. My Lauren would walk into the room and leave no doubt about that in anyone’s minds. You’ve got to turn your heart off for the next hour and let your brain have control. You’ll have plenty of time to figure everything else out after the meeting.”
“You’re right,” I agreed with a sigh. “I talked to Deacon before you and he basically said the same thing. I’m really proud of the work I’ve done. I need to focus on that and show these people I deserve their respect.”
“That’s my girl. Now, I’m going to let you go. Text as soon as the meeting’s over and let me know how it went.”
“I will,” I promised. “Thanks, Kennedy.”
“You’re welcome. You’ve got this.”
The line went dead and I sat my phone on my desk. I fought the urge to go through my presentation one last time before joining my colleagues in the conference room.
I know these graphics backwards and forwards. I don’t need to over think this. Deacon and Kennedy were right. I could have gotten this job without my connection to Asher. And if I pull off this meeting, everyone working under me will realize that. I need to walk into that room and make everyone believe work is the only thing on my mind.
I spent a few minutes thinking about the long road I’d taken to get where I was. Designing virtual reality games had never been my dream, but it gave me an opportunity to get my work in front of the eyes of millions of people. If I played things right, I could open doors for myself I’d never dreamed of. I couldn’t let those possibilities slip out of reach because Asher lied to me.
I can do this. I am a sophisticated, grown ass woman. And I refuse to let my emotions get in the way of my success.
I rose from my chair, smoothed my silk blouse, and set off for the conference room.
***
An hour and fifteen minutes later, I was back in my office, reveling in my success. The presentation had gone better than I’d ever expected, even before I overheard Asher and Rachel. I watched the body language and faces of the other artists soften as I showed slide after slide of my work and explained the techniques I used to create the surreal world I’d been assigned. I kept my back straight, my head high, and my voice even through the entire meeting. Asher sat toward the back of the room and I didn’t glance at him once.
When I finally wrapped up the meeting, a cluster of coworkers surrounded me and walked with me back to my office. I was thankful for both their interest in learning my techniques and the barrier they provided between Asher and me.
When the last coworker left my office, I fired off a quick text to Kennedy. She replied with two smiley faces, four exclamation points, and a promise to call me later for details. I slid my phone into my purse, suddenly nervous again.
The meeting was over.
It was time to face Asher.
I shut down my computer, stowed my tablet in my bag, and locked my office door behind me. I assumed Asher was waiting for me in Rachel’s office and I was surprised to find her alone in the room.
“You did a very good job at the meeting,” she offered as I stepped through the open door. I closed it behind me and sat down in a chair across from her.
“Thank you. I hope in the future; you won’t make it so hard for me. You owe me an apology, Rachel. I don’t care who you are or what kind of past you and Asher share. You deliberately destroyed my work. If it wasn’t for our extenuating circumstances, I’d file a complaint with human resources.”
Rachel stared back at me, her face surprisingly calm. “You’re about to learn that things aren’t quite what you believe them to be, Lauren. You’re right, Asher and I do share a past. And once you’re aware of the details, you’ll understand why I’m so protective of him. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they respond to different situations. Asher’s gotten very attached to you. I needed to see if you were the type of woman who bails the moment things get tough, or the type who puts her head down and takes care of business. If it’s any consolation, you passed the test.”
“Fuck you and your test,” I snapped. I was outraged that Rachel had the nerve to justify what she’d done to me. And truth be told, I was jealous she knew things about Asher that I didn’t.
“I don’t know your story, Rachel… if that’s even really your name. But I know I have nothing to prove to you. If Asher wants to tell me the truth, I’m going to listen. And I will keep every secret he tells me. But it won’t be for you. I want to make that perfectly clear. And if you ever pull another stunt with my work, I’ll ruin your reputation so fast you’ll have to rename yourself again. Do you understand?”
I found it immensely irritating that Rachel wasn’t fazed by my words. She leaned back in her chair and smiled at me.
“It’s no wonder he’s fallen in love with you. I have to confess, I didn’t understand it at first. But it makes sense now. I’ll stay out of your way, Lauren. But just know if you hurt him, I’ll make sure you regret it. And as you’re about to learn, I come from a place where people follow through with their promises.”
I didn’t even blink. “I’ll keep that in mind. When Asher gets here, tell him I’ll meet him at home.”
I rose from the chair, slung my purse over my shoulder, and escaped the office.
***
When I left the building, I fully intended to drive straight to Asher’s house. But when I slowed to a stop at the intersection, I instinctively turned toward San Francisco. It had been days since I’d been at my own place and I felt the overwhelming need to recharge. I pulled into a gas station and sent Asher a text while my tank filled.
“Need some time to gather my thoughts. Will see you in a few hours.”
He replied within seconds.
“I understand. Take as much time as you need. I love you.”
As I drove toward the mission district, I let my mind wander. I lowered all of my windows and let the salty air blow through my car. The smell reminded me of the perfume Asher bought me on his last business trip and my heart softened a little more.
God, please let there be a reasonable explanation for all of this… something I can handle.
I pulled into the parking lot of my building, locked the car, and emptied my mailbox on the way to my loft. I dropped a stack of bills and catalogs on my coffee table, kicked off my shoes, and poured myself half a glass of wine. It was only eleven in the morning, so I threw a little orange juice on top of it to assuage my guilt over drinking in the morning.
I need a nice long bath and maybe a nap. That will make me feel better. When I wake up, I’ll be ready to face Asher.
I wanted to know the truth more than anything. But I also knew once Asher told me, there would be no turning back. One way or another, my life was about to change. And I liked my life just the way it was.
I sat my glass on the side of the tub, ran a hot bubble bath, and sank down into the water. I sipped my makeshift mimosa while the smells of lavender and vanilla filled the steamy air. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the drink to give me a buzz, but the taste of it relaxed me. I turned off the water, leaned back against my terry cloth bath pillow, and let my mind wander again.
I should have known something like this would happen when I couldn’t find anything about Asher online. He’s a good man. I know in my heart he is. But I should have seen that he was hiding something. The way he stays out of the public eye, the concrete wall around his house… oh shit. Shit, shit, shit! It’s so obvious. How did I miss it?
I jumped out of the water and reached for a towel, not bothering to pull the plug from the drain. I dried off quickly, pulled on the first set of clean clothes I found on top of my laundry pile, and stuffed my bare feet into sneakers. I didn’t slow down to check my reflection or wonder if my clothes matched. All that mattered was getting to Asher.
***
“Lauren, are you okay?” Asher looked up from the kitchen island, his face filled with alarm. I crossed the entryway and hurled myself into his arms. He was clearly caught off guard, but he held me close and stroked my back.
“What happened?” he whispered.
I breathed in his scent and cradled the back of his head in my hand. “I realized something. You’re in danger, aren’t you Asher?” I whispered back.
I felt his chest rise against mine as he took in a deep breath. He let it out slowly and kissed the top of my head.
“Yes, I am,” he confessed. “Rachel and I both are. It’s a long story, Lauren. And it is past time that I tell you.”
“Are you sure?” I pressed. I pulled away and stared at him with honest eyes. “I listened to you and Rachel for a while this morning. It sounded like you were more against telling me the truth than she was. You told her you could make me happy as Asher Reynolds.”
“I know what I said,” he replied with a cringe. “But I was just delaying the inevitable. Explaining this will take a while. Let’s move to the terrace.”
Asher pulled two bottles of sparkling water from the fridge and led me out to the chaise lounges. Neither of us was in the mood to lay back and relax, but it was the only corner of the terrace that was shaded from the hot California sun. I held the cold glass bottle in my hand and we sat down, facing each other. I tried to keep my face patient while Asher gathered his thoughts.
“I’m not quite sure where to start,” he stammered. “But before I get into the details, I need to say something. Lauren, I need you to know that what I’m about to tell you has no bearing on the way I feel about you. This is my past. You, I hope, are my future.”
I reached over and took his hand. “Asher, I trust you. I was furious, at first, when I realized you were keeping something from me. But now, I’m just scared,” I confessed. “The walls around the property, the revolving security guards, the way you stay withdrawn from most people… it all makes sense. I know something serious is going on, something dangerous. And I know I’m in the middle of it, whether I know the details or not. I trust you. If you believe in your heart that I’m safer not knowing the truth, you don’t have to tell me.”
He was as shocked to hear my words as I was to say them. I’d never subscribed to the idea that ignorance was bliss, and I’d certainly never let a man decide what I did and didn’t need to know. But I’d never been in a situation like this before. I knew enough to know Asher and Rachel were both afraid for their lives. And in the moment, that was all I needed to know to let Asher decide what was best.
“In some ways you may be safer if you don’t know,” he told me. “But in some ways, you could be in more danger. To be honest, I want to tell you, Lauren. I want you to really know me, all of me. Not just who I am now, but where I came from… the things I’ve done… the things I’ve survived.”
“Start from the beginning,” I pressed softly. I moved to Asher’s chair, sat beside him, and took his hand again.
“I didn’t grow up in a middle class neighborhood in Seattle,” he confessed. “I was born in Los Angeles and until I was eighteen, my name was William Murphy. My mother was a cocktail waitress and my dad was a low level flunky for the Chavez family.”
My mouth dropped and I stared back at him in disbelief. “The Latin drug syndicate?” I gasped.
He nodded and looked down to the Spanish tile floor. “We weren’t family or anything. So when a deal my dad was working went south, he’s the one who took the fall. He’s serving a life sentence in Atwater for drug trafficking and murder.”
Knots formed in the pit of my stomach as I tried to wrap my head around Asher’s childhood.
“How old were you when he was sent away?”
“Five. I barely remember him,” he confessed. “He never tried to contact me and I’ve returned the favor. A few years later, my mom was killed at the bar she was working at. She was standing in the wrong place when a bar fight got out of control and was stabbed in the throat with a broken beer bottle. The guy who killed her was in the same prison as my dad until he was paroled a few years ago. He did send a letter once, which I ignored.”
I didn’t want to believe my ears and my heart broke more with each word Asher spoke. I still wasn’t sure how Rachel fit into the story so I braced myself for more horrific truths.
“It isn’t fair you had to go through that,” I offered, my voice barely a whisper. “But it makes the life you’ve built for yourself even more admirable.”
“Thanks,” he replied, laughing back his tears. He ran his fingers through his hair, took a deep breath, and continued, “I’ve never told this story, Lauren. Please just bear with me while I stumble through the details.”
“Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him.
“I didn’t have any grandparents or aunts and uncles to take me in, so after my mother died I ended up in the foster care system. The Chavez family started sending Mom money every month after my dad was sent away. When she died, they couldn’t exactly send their wads of cash to my foster parents. So they found other ways to take care of me. Luis Chavez became like an uncle to me. Cell phones weren’t common back then, but he made sure I had one so we could stay in contact while I was moved from home to home. He’d meet me at parks, have things delivered to my schools. As I got older, none of my foster parents seemed to care what I did, as long as I behaved myself and stayed out of their way. By the time I reached middle school, I was spending most afternoons at Luis’ house. He lived at the main family compound, and I learned a lot of things I shouldn’t. On my sixteenth birthday, the family threw me a party, bought me a car, and even rented a parking spot so my foster families and case worker wouldn’t know about it. Every day when I got out of school, I took a bus to the garage. In no time, I’d basically taken over my dad’s old job.”
“But… you were a child.”
“I didn’t feel like a child,” Asher replied bluntly. “I felt like a god, to be honest. For a while, I was the family’s golden boy. Luis had always recognized my intelligence. He paved the way with his family and I rose quickly in their ranks. I’m not proud of this, but I was actually responsible for expanding their business into one of the first incarnations of the deep web. As much as I hate what I did for them, I’m not sure I’d change it. Luis encouraged me to develop my talents. He insisted that I do well in school and gave me huge cash incentives to keep a four-point GPA. Without him and his family, I’d have been just another kid lost in the system.”
“So… where did things go wrong?” I asked.
“Rachel,” he answered flatly. “Things took a turn for the worst the day Rachel was placed in my foster home. I was seventeen, about to age out of the system. Unlike other kids in my situation, I wasn’t worried about it. I’d already gotten into MIT and Luis was paying me more than enough to get my own place until the beginning of the semester. Rachel was sixteen and she’d only been in the system for a few years. When she was thirteen, she came out to her parents. They were less than receptive to her announcement, so she ran away from home. She lived on the streets for about a week before a police officer found her sleeping on the beach. She spat on her parents when they showed up to take her home, so they signed her over to the system.”
“That seems a bit harsh.”
“Well, Rachel’s always been a bit hard to deal with.”
“Is Rachel her real name?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.
Asher shook his head. “No, but that’s her secret to tell,” he reminded me. “Anyway, I was basically living in a group home. The foster parents were nice, well-meaning people, but there were no pretenses about what their house was. It was the last stop before aging out of the system. Rachel was the youngest kid there. The house was huge, run by an elderly couple and two of their adult children. There were two bunk rooms, one for boys one for girls. They each held four bunk beds and had their own full sized baths attached. It was my favorite foster home. The food was actually good, and the people were really nice… I’m rambling.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him. I laid my head on Asher’s shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me. “I want to know everything about you,” I continued. “Ramble as much as you want.”
“Like I said, I’ve never told this story… sorry, rambling and repeating,” he said with a soft laugh. “Anyway, Rachel showed up a few months before my eighteenth birthday. She saw me get on the bus one day after school and the next, she followed me. She waited outside the garage until I pulled my car out and hopped into the passenger seat like it was the most natural thing in the world. I tried to kick her out of the car, but she threatened to rat me out to my caseworker. Against my better judgement, I took her with me to the Chavez’s.”
“I take it they weren’t thrilled to meet her?”
Asher shook his head again. “On the contrary. Miguel, one of Luis’ nephews, took quite a shine to her. Rachel told him immediately that she wasn’t into guys, but he took it as some sort of challenge. In less than a week, she started going to the house without me. That’s when I knew I had a problem. I’d smoked my fair share of grass with Luis, but I stayed away from the family’s harder merchandise. Rachel can’t say the same. She was strung out on heroin faster than I could come up with a plan to get her away from it.”
This won’t end well.
“Did your foster family find out?”
“No. I failed in a lot of ways, but I managed to keep that from happening. When I first realized what she was doing, I went to Luis with my concerns. He promised to make sure she didn’t get into any real trouble, but he didn’t seem to take it seriously. Rachel was just some bitch off the street to him. The obligation he felt toward me didn’t extend to her. I felt overwhelmingly guilty for bringing her into that situation and helpless to get her out of it. And again, shit escalated before I could come up with a plan.”
The silence stretched until I prompted, “What happened?”
Asher’s shoulders tensed and he straightened his back. “This is where the story becomes more Rachel’s than mine. She was with Miguel and his friends when some pretty bad shit went down. It scared her enough to make her want to get clean. She came to me for help. I helped her. And what I did to help her could still ruin our lives… and I’m afraid once I tell you, you won’t be able to love me anymore.”
“I don’t need the gory details,” I insisted. “Just tell me… did you kill someone, Asher?” I whispered the words, horrified that the thought had even crossed my mind.
He swallowed and nodded as he dropped his head to his hands. I took a deep breath and pressed on, despite the numb shock washing over me.
“Did you do it to save her life?”
“I did it to save both our lives. And when it was over, we ran. I emptied the money from the account Lewis opened for me, sold my sports car, and bought a fifteen-year-old Honda. We drove to Vegas and holed up in a hotel room while I created our new identities. Once the paperwork was in order, we sold the Honda and hopped a plane to Vermont. We pretended to be a couple, rented an apartment, and got jobs as servers at one of the country clubs. I helped Rachel study for her GED and made sure she was enrolled at the local community college before I left for school. I didn’t really mean to lose touch with her, but once I started classes I was laser focused on school. I tried to find her after I graduated, but didn’t have any luck. Like me, she’d made sure not to create much of an online footprint.”
“But she found you,” I interrupted, remembering his words from that morning.
He blew out a breath. “Yes, she did. I was hesitant to come back to California after graduation, but knew Silicon Valley was where I needed to be for my career. My college roommate’s father worked on Wall Street, and he managed to quadruple my money from the Chavez family while I was in school. I moved home, rented a one room apartment in San Jose, and threw myself into developing my first prototypes. Rachel showed up on my doorstep about a month later.”
“And you’ve been together ever since,” I finished.
He nodded. “Rachel helped me grow the company to what it is today. We’ve seen each other at our worst, and our best. And what we survived forged a bond neither of us can break. I know you don’t like her, Lauren. Truth be told, I don’t like her a lot of the time. But fate, or God, or something has made her my family, for better or worse. I hope you can understand that.”
I took a deep breath and finally unscrewed the cap of my water bottle. I drank the entire thing, giving myself a good excuse not to speak. Asher’s story was worse than I’d ever imagined. He’d had a horrible childhood filled with abandonment, drugs, and violence. I understood why he couldn’t abandon Rachel, but I couldn’t help but resent the hell out of her. If she’d never gotten into the car that day, Asher’s life could have been completely different.
If his life was completely different, I probably wouldn’t be here with him. He probably wouldn’t be here at all.
I’d never felt so overwhelmed and conflicted. My heart ached to reach out and hold him, to tell him I loved him and nothing from his past could change that. But my brain was reminding me he killed someone and encouraging me to get as far away from the man beside me as I could as quickly as possible. I sat rooted and speechless in my chair.
“I know you’ll need some time to process all of this,” Asher said softly. “And I understand if you don’t want to be around me right now. Would you like me to have Gabe drive you home?”
I considered the offer for a moment and then shook my head. I didn’t understand how I felt and I had no idea if I’d be able to accept the horrors of Asher’s past and the dangers of his present and future. But I knew that until I knew for certain, I could not be yet another person to walk out on him. I straightened my shoulders and met his eye.
“You’ve been very open and honest, so I’ll do the same. I love you, Asher. That much, I’m certain of. I need some time alone to process all of this and sort out my feelings. But I don’t want to leave. I think… I think I’d like to spend the day alone outside and then maybe crash in the guestroom for the night. Is that okay?”
Relief spread across Asher’s face. “That’s beyond okay,” he insisted. “But only if you take a supply pack and one of the long range walkie talkies. I won’t bother you, but I’ll feel better knowing you can reach me if something happens. I’ll keep mine on me, in case you think of anything else you’d like to ask. And I’ll take the guestroom. When you get back tonight, I’ll have dinner waiting in the oven.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, wondering if I should ask my next question. “I think... do you think Rachel would talk to me? It’s probably a long shot. I went off on her this morning after the meeting,” I confessed. After hearing Asher’s story, I was intrigued by Rachel’s side of it. But I still wasn’t a bit sorry for anything I’d said to her.
Asher flashed me a quick smile. “Yeah, I heard about that. Your visit actually made Rachel like you more. I’ll call her once she’s left the office and ask her to sit down with you.”
“Thank you for understanding that I need some space,” I offered.
“Thank you for not running out the door screaming,” he countered with a sad grin.