Chapter Twenty-Four

 

 

IZZY STAYED with him until Phyl was released. They parted with a hug in the parking lot, and Izzy gave him a pointed look before sauntering off to find his truck.

Back at the ranch, Jon and Ernie had stayed late to see Phyl for themselves. They helped Russ put Phyl to bed before heading out, leaving him to sit by himself in the living room and wait for Jordan to return, if he planned to return. The tension and distancing Russ had felt from him over the last week could have been Jordan’s way of trying to tell him something. But Jordan had promised not to play stupid games. He’d promised to speak up if he had something to say.

Of course, so had Russ.

Except Russ didn’t know what he wanted to say. He was already in deeper with Jordan than he should have been. Despite all his bluster to the contrary, he wasn’t going to be just fine when Jordan left. Jordan had a place at the ranch now, and that space would be empty when he was gone, like the hole in the air where Sean used to be.

But Jordan hadn’t been there when Russ needed him, and Izzy had. Jordan wouldn’t be there in the future, he reminded himself, but Izzy would.

Growling in frustration, Russ threw open the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. His head had been going around in circles all week with no real clarity on the horizon. After collapsing on the couch, Russ took a swig from his bottle and glared out the windows at the fading sunset.

Why did life have to get so complicated all the time? And where the hell was Jordan?

Full dark had fallen before Russ heard tires on gravel and saw the flash of headlights outside. By that point, he’d had a few beers and plenty of time to build up a full head of steam over Jordan’s disappearance. Right or not, the stresses of the day, the tension of the last week, worry over everything that wasn’t ready for the influx tomorrow, burgeoning worry over Jordan, and a little guilt thrown in for good measure, had him spoiling for a fight.

“Where the hell have you been?” he growled as soon as Jordan walked into the room, after studying every inch of him and finding no sign of injury or distress.

Jordan blinked at his tone and frowned. “I told Phyllis I had a few errands to run in Dallas… and hello to you too.”

“So why didn’t you answer your phone when I called?”

He wouldn’t meet Russ’s gaze, but he folded his arms across his chest and said defensively, “I forgot to plug it in last night, so it died partway through the day, and I didn’t notice. I didn’t see the notifications until late, after I found a charger, and the only message you left was to tell me to call you. I was almost back here, so I figured I’d see you when I got home. What’s the big deal?”

“It never occurred to you that it might be important?”

Jordan rolled his eyes. “I needed to get away for a few hours. Sue me.”

He turned to climb the stairs, but Russ chased after him and blocked his way. “I’m not done talkin’ to you,” he said, wagging a finger in Jordan’s face.

“You’re drunk and pissed off, so I think maybe I’m done talking to you.”

Russ narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw, but he didn’t move out of the way, and Jordan glared right back at him. “You’re acting like I committed some crime when I just decided to take a day off for once. Jesus. You know, you’ve been disappearing in the middle of the day all week too, and nobody’s snarling at you for it,” he huffed.

“I ride out for an hour, tops, not all damned day. I’m still on the ranch, and I’m giving the horses exercise while I’m at it. That’s still working.”

Jordan threw his arms out to the sides. “Well, I’m sorry, okay? Maybe I am just as spoiled and useless as you used to think, huh? You know, not everyone can be a saint like your ex. Some of us are just human,” he shouted.

“Keep your voice down,” Russ hissed. “Phyl needs her rest. She got hurt today while you were out running your errands.”

That drew Jordan up short, and he gaped. “What?”

“She fell down the stairs, and I had to take her to the hospital.”

“Oh God. Is she okay?”

A little mollified at Jordan’s reaction, Russ took a step back and said, “Broken wrist. Bump on the head. Doc says she’ll be fine, though she’ll be in a world of hurt for the next few days.”

“I’m sorry, Russ. I didn’t know,” Jordan murmured, his face etched with regret.

“You would’ve known if you’d bothered to call me back. You’ve got responsibilities here now, you know, people who depend on you.”

Jordan hung his head. “Yeah, I forgot that. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

He looked miserable enough that, of all the emotions swirling inside Russ, guilt started to take the lead. It niggled at him, making him feel his justifiable anger wasn’t quite as justified as it should be. He hadn’t exactly been a saint that day either. He had some apologizing of his own to do, and he’d best get it out of the way or it’d keep him up all night.

He cleared his throat and said, “When I couldn’t get hold of you, I called Izzy, and he stayed with me at the hospital until they let Phyl go.”

Russ was prepared for suspicion, jealousy, or maybe a little hurt. He was even prepared for anger or disbelief. But Jordan’s face went completely blank.

“Oh,” Jordan said tonelessly.

“He was a big help with talking to the doctor and stuff. He was a good friend.”

“Okay.”

Russ worked his jaw for a second, took a deep breath, and plowed on. “Things got a bit emotional for me. After everything that happened with Sean, hospitals are not one of my favorite places. I was worried about Phyl and dealing with old ghosts, and he was kind, just like the old days, and I got a little carried away when I shouldn’t have, and, uh… we kissed.”

“Oh.”

Russ frowned. “Oh? That’s all you got to say? You’re not mad?”

Jordan shrugged.

“You don’t even seem surprised.” Russ had no right to be, but he was kind of offended by that.

“I’m not,” Jordan replied, his tone still dull and a little cold. “I saw how you looked at him.”

“Jordan—”

Jordan held up a hand. “Would you excuse me for a second, please?”

Without another word, Jordan moved past him and up the stairs. Russ watched in disbelief until he heard a door quietly close upstairs.

“What the hell?”

His temper spiking again, he raced up the stairs after him. The only closed door he found was the one to the bathroom. He charged over to it and knocked. “Jordan?”

He wanted to pound on the wood, but Phyl was sleeping just below them.

“Jordan, open the door.”

“No.”

Russ gritted his teeth. “Open this goddamned door and talk to me,” he hissed. “Don’t pull this immature bullshit with me and hide behind a door. If you’re pissed, come out here and tell me to my face. Punch me. Do something!”

The sound of the toilet flushing shut him up for a few seconds. Water splashed in the sink a moment before Jordan yanked open the door, still patting his face with a towel.

His blue eyes flashed over sallow-looking cheeks. “You know what?” he said, tossing the towel angrily aside. “You’re right. I am immature. I’m unreliable and a drama queen. I’m a fucking mess, actually. I’m sure this is only making your decision that much easier.”

Rearing back in confusion, Russ asked, “What decision?”

Jordan rolled his eyes. “Oh come on. I get it. I do. I was okay in the short-term, but long-term would be a joke, right? It’s the story of my life, really. I’m good, just never good enough. Not when you’ve got Dr. Perfect waiting for you, and you can’t tell me he’s not. I’ve seen you looking at your phone all week, and I bet he came running the second you called.”

Russ winced. “Look. I’m sorry I kissed him. I really am. It was a mistake. But it was just one kiss. I put a stop to it and told him I was in a relationship. I’m telling you now because I don’t want to lie to you. I promised you that at the start, and I meant it.” He blew out a breath and grimaced. “Yes, he’s texted me a couple of times this week, but he was just asking if we could get together to catch up. That’s all. I wasn’t going to meet him without talking it out with you first. You gotta know that.” He pursed his lips and studied Jordan’s face, looking for answers. “I don’t know where you’re getting all this other stuff from, so you’re going to have to help me here, okay? As far as I knew, the words ‘long-term’ were never brought up between us before… at least this is the first I’m hearing it. If that’s changed, you haven’t told me. You can be mad at me for the kiss and for being a bit of a jerk this past week. I deserve it. But you can’t be mad at me for something we haven’t even discussed.”

The fire in Jordan’s eyes went out, leaving only defeat behind as he slumped against the doorjamb. “What does it matter now?” he murmured dejectedly.

“It matters to me,” Russ prodded. He’d rather have Jordan spitting mad at him than this. This was breaking his heart. “You gotta let me in on what’s going on in that head of yours or I can’t help. Tell me to get my head out of my ass. Say something.”

After a quick breath, Jordan lifted pain-filled eyes to Russ and said, “So what? You want me to throw my heart out there, spill my guts so you can tell me you’re still in love with your perfect ex and you’re going to give it another try with him? Is that really what you want?” Without giving Russ time to answer, Jordan pushed off the wall and stepped close. “Okay. Fine. Have it your way.”

Jordan shoved past him and continued to the stairs. “Come on. I’ll show you.”

Confused and a little overwhelmed, Russ followed Jordan down the stairs and out the front door.

Jesus, what a day… hell, what a week, for that matter.

Jordan swept a dramatic arm toward the parking area, and in the spotlight from the barn, Russ saw a shabby little blue sedan parked where Jordan’s convertible usually sat.

“Whose is that?”

“It’s mine. That’s what I was doing in Dallas. I traded in the convertible for a crappy little car I can afford, and I pawned everything else I had that was worth anything.” Jordan tucked his hands into his pockets and gazed off into the darkness, not looking at Russ. “I talked to Phyl a week ago about staying on the ranch on a more permanent basis, and I was digging up the courage to talk to you about it when Dr. Perfect rolled up.” With a bitter laugh, Jordan shot a look at him over his shoulder. “Clearly someone out there wanted to remind me of just how little I actually had to offer you before I humiliated myself. I suppose I should thank them.” When Russ just blinked at him, speechless, Jordan grimaced and wrapped his arms around himself. “Yeah, so my plan’s kind of fucked, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to do now, but I figured I couldn’t put it off any longer. I needed to start adulting at some point, even if it isn’t going to be what I’d hoped.”

Russ moved closer to him, but Jordan’s posture didn’t exactly seem welcoming, so he stopped before touching him. “What were you going to offer?”

“Russ—”

“Tell me,” he whispered gently.

Jordan turned to face him, his expression wounded. “Me. Okay? I was going to offer me… which seems really stupid and pathetic now. I mean seriously, look at me. I’m a mess.” Throwing his arms wide, he paced the length of the deck as he continued, “I’m unemployed and virtually homeless. Only one person in my family is actually speaking to me. I’m well-educated, but I have no real-world skills to speak of, because I’ve never really had to take care of myself before.” He stopped dead a few feet away and spun around. “I’m wearing your goddamned clothes, for Christ’s sake!”

“I think you look pretty good in my clothes,” Russ murmured.

“Don’t. Please don’t,” Jordan whispered, shrinking in on himself. “I’ve made it this far without crying. I’m not sure I’m going to make it much further.”

“Come here,” Russ ordered gruffly, closing the distance between them.

Jordan wouldn’t look at him. He stood stiffly when Russ pulled him close, but Russ held on.

“Look at me,” Russ murmured, but Jordan shook his head and tried to pull away. “Please?”

After another long pause, Jordan blew out a breath and shrugged out of Russ’s embrace. He turned away from Russ, braced his palms on the railing, and spoke out into the night. “I’m not stupid. I know you care about me. I know you don’t want to hurt me. But we’ve barely been together a month at this point. You loved him way before you ever met me. I get that. He’s got everything going for him, and I don’t. Despite my best efforts to hide from reality, being here these last few weeks has taught me some things about myself. I’ve got a long way to go, obviously, but I’d like to think I’ve grown up a little. I’d like to think I’m less selfish and self-involved than I used to be.” He cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. “The new, improved adult me wants to be mature about this. I want you to be happy—apparently even more than I want myself to be happy, which is weird. But you deserve it. I know you never really needed me as much as I needed you, so I’m trying to do the right thing here.” Glancing over his shoulder, he gave Russ a wry smile. “This is new for me, and I don’t know how long it’ll last, so you better quit dragging this out and take advantage of it before I totally go drama queen on your ass.”

Russ closed the distance between them one more time and wrapped a hand around the back of Jordan’s neck. Jordan shivered and barked out a laugh that sounded painful. “I’m serious about the not being sure how long I’m going to be able to stay mature about this. Stick around much longer and you’ll get to see just how much of an immature diva I can be.”

“I don’t mind. But I’m feeling a little slow, and I need some clarification, okay?” Russ said carefully.

“Okay.”

“If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying you want to stay here on the ranch with me long-term, but you’re willing to sacrifice that because you think I’ll be happier with Izzy. Is that about right?”

“Yes.”

“Because you love me?”

Jordan swallowed visibly and whispered, “Yes.”

“But somehow you think you don’t have anything to offer me?”

“He loves you too. I could tell by the way he looked at you… and you know it. You’ve been thinking about it ever since he got back. I’m not blind.” Jordan straightened his shoulders, and this time he looked Russ straight in the eye. “I’m just trying to be the bigger man here and tell you that I understand. I get it.” With a shrug, Jordan’s lips curved in the mockery of a smile. “Like I said before, it’s always been like this for me. I’m good, just never quite good enough. Bad timing. Fate. Poor character. Who knows? I’m getting there, though, one small step at a time. Improvements have been made… I think.”

“You’re too hard on yourself.”

“Says the man who thought I was a spoiled brat from day one.”

Russ rolled his eyes. “I can admit to being wrong every once in a while. In fact, I seem to remember admitting to it several times where you’re concerned.” He pulled Jordan close, caging him against the railing. “But,” he whispered against Jordan’s lips, “I learn from my mistakes.”

He sealed their lips together despite Jordan’s gasp and shiver, and he didn’t let up until Jordan melted against him. Drawing away only enough for both of them to catch their breath, he pressed his forehead to Jordan’s and simply held him as a cool breeze ghosted across the yard and crickets sang their nightly serenade to the moon.

“You’re not making this easier,” Jordan teased breathlessly.

“I’m not trying to.”

“What about Dr. Perfect?”

With a sigh, Russ pulled back enough to look Jordan in the eye. Brushing the soft blond waves off Jordan’s forehead, he said, “You can’t make up my mind for me, darlin’. You know that, right? If this thing between us is going to last, you’re gonna have to stop jumpin’ to conclusions every time I go quiet for a few days, okay? I warned you I’m not always the best with words.”

“And is it… going to last?”

“I want it to.”

“Really?”

Russ chuckled. “Don’t look so surprised. I would have thought the couple of weeks before this mess might’ve given you a clue that I liked being with you, just a little bit. Didn’t I say so? Apparently, I’ve been fallin’ down on the job.”

Jordan rolled his eyes and gave Russ a little shove. “It isn’t that. Believe me, I have no complaints there. You’re the best boyfriend a guy could ask for. I just… this is so new, and he’s so fucking perfect.”

“He ain’t perfect. Nobody is perfect. I won’t say he doesn’t have his fine points, but you’ve got quite a few yourself.”

“But what you had with him—”

“Is over,” Russ clarified.

“Is it?”

“Yes. You’re right. I was messed-up for a bit, and I’m sorry if I hurt you by not talking to you about it, but I honestly didn’t know what to say. I thought I’d put all that behind me.”

He read concern and curiosity in Jordan’s face, but no understanding. With a sigh, he took Jordan’s hand and led him to the two rockers. After they both sat, he took Jordan’s hand again and said, “I was head over heels for him when Izzy came to tell me that he wanted to go to Africa. I made the choice not to try to stop him for a lot of reasons, but that didn’t make letting him go any easier. Phyl was here; she could tell you. I was a mess for a long time and hiding it from him. But I did work through it eventually… or at least I thought I did.”

“But then he came back,” Jordan prodded.

“Yes, and the tangled mess was there again, not so sorted as I’d believed, I guess. The truth is, what tied me up in knots was that neither one of us had changed or done anything wrong. He was still the guy I loved. He just wanted something very badly that I couldn’t be a part of, not and follow my own dreams. He hadn’t done anything that I could get mad over. He wasn’t… isn’t a bad person, and neither am I. I hurt, but I had no outlet for it. I was mad, but I had no right to be.”

“But he’s back to stay now, isn’t he? And obviously he’s hoping to pick up where you left off.”

“Maybe, but I’m already with someone else.”

Jordan frowned at him. “If it were that cut and dried, his coming back wouldn’t have thrown you for a loop.”

“I didn’t know where we stood. Now I do.”

“That simple?”

Russ shrugged and smiled. “I’m a simple man.”

With a snort, Jordan shook his head. “Bullshit.”

Russ grinned and stood up. Kneeling between Jordan’s thighs with his hands resting on Jordan’s knees, he said, “Then how about, I’m a man of my word. If you want to make a go of this…. If you want to stay here with me and Phyl and do whatever it is you agreed to with her, I’m all in. No more questioning or worryin’—”

“Or kissing ex-boyfriends?”

“None of that either.”

“That simple?”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

Russ’s eyebrows drew down. “What do mean, why?”

“Why me when you could have Dr. Perfect?”

With a sigh, Russ shook his head. “I already told you he ain’t perfect. I’m not gonna sit around and list his faults, ’cause that ain’t me, but I’ve already got a guy. He’s sittin’ right here in front of me, and I love him.”

“You do?” Jordan’s eyebrows shot to his hairline, and the wary hope in his eyes nearly broke Russ’s heart.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I can’t think why.”

“Guess I’m gonna have to get better at tellin’ ya, then, aren’t I?”

Jordan hung his head and blew out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, but yeah. Every once in a while, I’m going to need the words… even though I shouldn’t with how good you are to me.”

“There’s no should or shouldn’t. You need what you need. As long as you tell me what that is and don’t get too mad when I forget sometimes, we’re good. You put up with my cranky ass, don’t you? I should have talked to you. I made a promise to be all in with you, and then the first time something rattled my cage, I stepped back. You were braver than me, coming out with all that even though you were afraid of losing me. I didn’t want to hold you back, though, if you wanted bigger and better things.”

“I as much as told you I didn’t intend to stay. I could hardly blame you if you wanted to be with someone who did.”

“What changed your mind?”

“You, Phyl, this place. I had certain ideas ingrained in me about what a life was supposed to look like, and even though I thought I’d left all that behind, I hadn’t. I’ve never been happier than I’ve been here. I love horses. I love how helping them and the other animals makes me feel. I love being here with everyone. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jordan gave him a watery smile and a weak chuckle. They made goo-goo eyes at each other for a while before Jordan bit his lip and said, “Russ?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we go fuck now? I’m a needy bitch. I know. But I want the words and all the rest of it too, particularly the hot sex.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Russ climbed to his feet and offered Jordan a hand up. “I suppose I can manage that, if you twist my arm.”

Jordan gave him a playful shove. “I’ll twist more than that if you don’t get your cranky ass upstairs.”

What followed was the quietest pushing, groping, heavy-petting wrestling match in the history of time as they tried to beat each other up the stairs to Russ’s bedroom without waking Phyl.