Chapter Nineteen

AFTER COMING back from their ride, Jordan’s sister confessed to being tired from her trip, so Jordan showed her upstairs for a nap, while the rest of the ranch inhabitants hovered curiously outside. When Jordan came back down, he sported that fake smile Russ hated and waved everyone’s concern away before heading to the barn to get back to work.

Phyl stood at the base of the porch steps, frowning after him, so Russ rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Good.”

In the barn, he found Jordan in the tack room furiously cleaning tack that wasn’t actually dirty.

“You did everything else,” Jordan complained without glancing up from his task.

Crossing his arms and ankles, Russ leaned against the doorframe. “There’s always plenty of work needs doing, if you want to go see Ernie or Jon…. Calliope’s water bucket needs cleaning.”

Jordan finally looked up and gagged theatrically. “No way. I’m not that desperate for something to do. Besides, I did it last week. It’s not my turn again until after Ernie.” He set the gear aside and stood. “But I can go see if they need help with anything else.”

When Jordan moved to pass him, Russ put a hand on his chest. “It’s almost quittin’ time anyway, and I think maybe you have something a little more important on your mind than cleaning up goat and donkey shit.”

Jordan closed his eyes and hung his head. “Don’t. I can’t right now, Russ.”

Sliding his hand up and around Jordan’s neck, Russ pulled him in until their foreheads rested together. “You’re wound tighter than a spring,” he murmured into the close air between them. “If you don’t release some of it soon, you’re gonna snap. Would you rather do it out here with me or in there in front of your little sister and everybody?”

Jordan’s jaw worked, and his nostrils flared. “I don’t want to do it anywhere,” he grated.

“That ain’t an option,” Russ whispered, not unsympathetically.

With a huff of breath, Jordan tried to pull away, but Russ didn’t let him. “I don’t want to do this in front of you.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to think less of me.”

“I won’t.”

This time Russ let him pull away when Jordan drew back and eyed him skeptically. “You weren’t exactly impressed with me from day one,” he pointed out.

Russ grimaced. “I thought we’d been over that and put it to bed already. I said I was sorry for prejudging. I told you I wanted you the whole time. What more do you need me to say?”

Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, Jordan took another step back. “There’s a difference between wanting to fuck someone and being impressed by them.”

“Picking a fight with me ain’t gonna make the rest of this stuff with your family go away, you know,” Russ countered, taking a step forward. “I told you from the start, words weren’t my strong suit, but if you want me to lay it all out there again—even though I thought I’d given you plenty of demonstrations to convince you this past week or so—I will.” He advanced until Jordan’s back hit the wall. Crowding Jordan against it and placing his palms flat on the wood to either side of Jordan’s head, Russ said, “You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re generous and sensitive. You’re beautiful… and stronger than you think you are. Even with everything you’re going through, I can see the fight in you. But nobody’s strong all the time. Nobody can make it all the way through life without some help.”

“Not even you?” Jordan’s lips wobbled into a wry smile, and Russ grinned.

“Especially not me. One of these days you’ll see what a softy I am underneath, and it’ll all be over. You won’t look at me the same ever again. Now quit being an ass and talk to me.”

Jordan grimaced and let his head thump back against the wall. “I’m sorry I’m such a wreck. I’m sure you didn’t need another lost soul to rescue.”

With a roll of his eyes, Russ slipped a hand behind Jordan’s neck and tugged him into a kiss.

“Ain’t your fault life kicked your legs out from under you. It’s what you do about it now that matters. You’re gonna land on your feet, though. I’m sure of that.”

“Wish I could be so sure,” he whispered.

Jordan’s breath hitched, and he buried his face in Russ’s shoulder. Wrapping him up tight, Russ just held on as Jordan shook and fought not to cry.

“I’m the only one here, baby. Let it out.”

“It won’t do any good,” Jordan sniffled.

“It might. Have you tried?”

With a snort, Jordan pulled back and shook his head. “God, I must look like shit right now.”

He smoothed his hair back and tugged at his clothes until Russ captured his hands. “You look like you’re hurtin’, which is the truth. Now what happened with your sister? Did things go all right? She seemed pretty happy to see you, at least.”

With an exhausted sigh, Jordan moved around him and slumped on the bench just inside the tack room door.

“I think so? I mean, she didn’t tell me I was going to hell or call me a pervert or anything, so that’s a plus,” he said as Russ joined him on the bench. “But she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, except my parents are fighting a lot… which might mean my mom isn’t ready to just write me off quite as easily as my father did.”

“That’s something, right? One parent’s better than none.”

Jordan grimaced. “Sorry. I guess this sounds like a lot of whining over nothing to you, after everything with your family.”

With a frown, Russ gripped the back of Jordan’s neck and gave him a shake. “Don’t be stupid. Just because my family problems are different from yours doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to be hurt. If I remember correctly, you let me have it over that exact thing that night on the trail, and you were right. I told you that.”

After taking a deep breath and blowing it out, Jordan nodded. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“You say sorry one more time and I’m gonna have to kiss you ’til you stop,” Russ growled.

Jordan blinked at him for a couple of beats before his lips curved. “Sorry?”

Russ took great pride in being a man of his word, but he cut things off before they ended up naked in front of the open tack room door.

“Okay. Enough distractions now,” he chastised breathlessly. “You gonna be okay? Really?”

“Better now.” Jordan smiled. “I feel stupid enough for freaking out over a visit from my little sister. She flew all the way out to see me. She even offered to help if she could. But I was just settling in here, you know? Just trying to get my head on straight, and she comes and stirs all this stuff up again. I still have no idea what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, but at least I knew what I was doing right now.” He groaned and rolled his shoulders as he tipped his head back and gazed at the ceiling. “I feel like I need to get all my ducks in a row before I can have the energy to deal with that other stuff. It’s like from my old Psych 101 textbooks from my freshman year—what was that guy’s name, Maslove? Maslow? The hierarchy of needs thing?”

Pursing his lips, Russ shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, you lost me. Name sounds familiar, but I didn’t go to college, and psychology textbooks aren’t really my first choice for a good read.”

Waving his hands, Jordan continued, “Well, whatever it’s called. It’s like a pyramid with the basic needs like air, water, shelter, food, and that kind of stuff on the bottom. You need to have all that and other things like safety and financial security before you can deal with anything else. So that was kind of my plan, I guess. Maybe… I don’t know. I’m sounding really stupid right now. Please just stop me. Jesus, one visit from my little sister and I’m a mess. I don’t know why you want to put up with me.”

Jordan moved to get up, but Russ grabbed his hand and tugged him back down. “Easy there. Take a breath and give me a second, okay? I think I get what you’re trying to say. You’re focusing on the things you can control and putting aside the stuff you can’t.”

“Is that what I’m doing?” Jordan said with a self-deprecating smile.

Russ chuckled. “Yes. It’s a good thing. It’s smart. But your sister being here could be a good thing too. You can control your relationship with her… or at least you can do your best to keep the lines of communication open, stay connected with her. You love her. She loves you. Nothing bad about that. Deal with her as she is, not what she represents.”

“Except she makes me think of everything else I’ve lost. She wants something from me that I can’t give her. She wants her family back the way it was.”

“But she also doesn’t want to lose her brother, right? You can give her that.”

Jordan propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I wasn’t ready to deal with this yet,” he grumbled.

Threading his fingers through Jordan’s hair, Russ gave his scalp a gentle rub. “I get that.”

Turning his head so one blue eye peeped past his fingers at Russ, Jordan let out a muffled chuckle and said, “You know, for a guy who claims to be bad with words, you’re doing a really good job right now.”

“Fair warnin’, I’m probably shooting my wad right here.”

Jordan dropped his hands to hang loosely between his knees and grinned at him. “Not yet you aren’t.”

Rolling his eyes, Russ pushed to his feet and headed for the door. “Come on. That’s enough jawin’ for now. Let’s go see what shit job Ernie or Jon can find to keep you occupied until Phyl rings the bell for supper.”

When Jordan caught up with him, the little bastard slid a hand into one of Russ’s back pockets and squeezed. “I could just ride the fence and watch while you work with one of the horses,” he breathed in Russ’s ear. “Think of it as furthering my training… absorbing your genius.”

“Careful or I’ll make you clean up that load of horseshit you’re layin’ down,” he replied, stepping away and giving Jordan a playful shove in the direction of the donkey pasture. “Now go find Jon before neither one of us is fit to sit at the table with company.”

Jordan’s throaty chuckle followed him as Russ adjusted himself in his jeans and went to find his own distraction.