PATRICIA
After weeks of badgering I sat in Perk waiting for Cal to arrive. Somehow he’d managed to procure my number and had been blowing my phone up incessantly. He wanted to talk to me about Patrick and I was really hesitant to even broach the subject. To be honest, though more than a decade had passed my feelings about the Cal situation and Patrick’s parentage was still a bit raw for me. Did he have the right to know he’d sired a child? Sure…I guess, whatever. Was it my responsibility to seek out the information about where he was locked up, make arrangements to be on a damn visitors list and tell him this information as our palms pressed against Plexiglas, straining as if we could actually permeate the damn thing and touch for real? Nope. Not at all. I wasn’t setting my child up for a lifetime of bimonthly visits in a sterile room full with guards posted in the corner while we snacked on food from vending machines and informed daddy of major milestones. I was super good on that.
I flicked my wrist upward, getting annoyed that Cal had yet to arrive before remembering I was early. As I looked at the clock, it changed to seven o’clock on the dot and the door opened with Cal striding through.
“I know you’re a stickler for time, so I made sure I got here right on time,” he said, sliding into the seat across from me.
I said nothing, simply inclining my head in acknowledgement of his presence. I sipped my latte before speaking, steeling myself with a hint of caffeine as I considered how to broach this conversation in the least conflict filled way possible.
“Cal, I…I will take responsibility for not informing you that you had a child in this world. But…you gotta see where I was coming from, right? I was scared and I wanted to protect my baby and hell, myself from whatever the hell you had going on.”
“Bir…Patricia, you have to see where I am coming from right now though, right?” he responded, echoing my question.
I tried not to go on the defense, but I felt a little attacked. I remained quiet, giving him the space to keep going if he wanted to.
“You could have at least told Jah, so he could pass the word to me. You know I would have made sure that y’all were taken care of with or without me here.”
“I wasn’t involving a child in our business, Cal. And I certainly was not going to ask him to pass along a message as serious as one regarding a child and our future.”
“You could have sought me out, Bird. I mean, c’mon baby, let’s not act like you aren’t resourceful. Just admit that because the illusion of me being the perfect man was shattered, you wanted revenge. But you don’t get a nigga back like this. Denying me the chance to know my seed. That shit ain’t right.”
“I’ll own that, but you need to respect the fact that I didn’t want my child around whatever fuckshit you were dealing and…” I trailed off with a sigh, looking away from Calvin and rubbing the hair at the nape of my neck “Look, what happened happened and we can either keep talking about it or we can talk about whatever had you blowing up my phone incessantly for the past few weeks.”
“I want to know him. I want him to know me…and Jah. We’re his family, too. You owe him that much. Hell, you owe me that much.”
“Be clear, I don’t owe you shit, Cal,” I bit back instantly, “So let’s not go down that road. I don’t even know what you’re doing with your life right now? For all I know you could be on that same shit you were on when everything went awry. What do I look like letting my son get to know you and getting close to you and then some shit pops off again, huh Calvin?”
“Here you go with this doomsday bullshit. I’ve let that shit go. I’m damn near sixty years old, Bird. I don’t have time to be out here running these streets and keeping up with these young cats out here.”
I must have looked skeptical because he pulled out his phone to show me a picture of him and Elijah standing in front of a car wash I recognized from the next town over.
“Me and Jah own six of these in the area, turned that dirty money into helping people get clean,” he said with a smile.
I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped. I was a sucker for a corny joke and Cal knew it. He teased me mercilessly about my humor when he and I were together.
“You do know that this is something I can’t just spring on him. Let’s say I do decide to let you be a part of his life. I can’t just have you over to the house one day and say ‘hey…remember that dad I told you was from a test tube? Sorry baby, mama lied, here’s daddy!’ It doesn’t work like that Cal. I have to take into consideration the effects of something like this on my son’s life. I’m not completely shutting down the possibility…I’m just asking you to please let me work through doing this on my own time.”
“I understand where you’re coming from. I truly do, Bird, but…time isn’t promised to anyone so please don’t take too long to make up your mind. I’ve missed so much already. And I’m hoping you make the right decision, so we don’t have to bring legal action into this,” Cal replied, smoothly.
“Is that a threat?”
Cal’s hands shot up instantly, assuming a posture of innocence.
“Not at all. I’m just letting you know how serious I am about getting to know my son. If I have to get a court ordered DNA test and fight for custody, visitation, whatever comes my way. I’m ready for whatever it comes to.”
I sighed, picking up my latte and taking another sip.
“It won’t come to all of that, Cal. I just…give me some time to figure this all out. I never meant to hurt you in all of this; you have to know that. I did what I thought was best at the time for my son and me. Had he come to me at some point seeking to find his biological father, I would have eventually told him the truth, but I wasn’t going to initiate it.”
“You keep saying you did what was best, but are you sure you even know that? Your example of parenting wasn’t exactly…” Calvin trailed off.
“Low blow, Cal. And fuck you for taking it there,” I replied, grabbing my bag and latte before rising out of my chair, “I’ll let you know my decision either way.”
I walked out of the coffee shop and hurried to my car, feeling my chest get tighter with each step. It had been years since I’d had a panic attack, but the beginning stages of one was beginning to manifest and I wanted to be seated in my car to ride it out. I slid into my car quickly, laying my head against the headrest with my eyes closed as I employed the deep breathing techniques taught to me by a therapist from years past. About fifteen minutes later, I felt calm enough to put the car in gear and drive home. Gratefully, Patrick was spending the night by one of his little friends’ houses tonight, so I had a little time to decompress before I had plans with Damon later that evening.
I’d barely been driving for a few minutes when I phone rang. Looking at the display I saw that it was Raquel calling and I knew I had to answer. She and I had been playing phone tag over the past few weeks due to her busy schedule and my newly occupied nights of visitation sessions with Damon. I was barely in the mood to talk after this mess with Cal, but I knew I’d never hear the end of it if I didn’t answer the call. I pressed the button on the steering wheel to answer the phone via Bluetooth.
“Hey, Quel,” I sighed.
“Oh! Patty Cake done finally crawled from up under the Bakerman to answer my call,” she yelled.
“Here you go…” I said, laughing at her ridiculousness.
“Wait…are you driving?” she asked.
“Yes, you’re on Bluetooth though, Quel. It’s fine.”
“Nope, you know the rule. Call me when you get home. I’m in for the evening and we’re overdue a catch up.”
“Girl you don’t even have the slightest idea. I’m about to be pulling up at the house in a minute. I’ll Face Time you when I get inside.”
“All right, sis. Talk to you in a minute.”
Raquel acted like a little old lady sometimes and it was hilarious. She refused to talk to me on the phone if I were driving. Never mind the fact that technology had come so far that hands free calling was a reality; she did not play about being distracted while driving. I remember when Oprah started that no texting while driving pledge, Quel literally made a contract for me to print, sign, and fax back to her ensuring that I’d take the pledge. She was hypersensitive about driving safety since her younger brother’s life had been taken by a reckless teen who had been texting and not paying attention and ran head on into Ramon’s car.
As soon as I got in the house I grabbed my iPad to initiate a Face Time call to Raquel as promised.
“Well if that isn’t the face of a woman who is getting thoroughly dicked down then I don’t know what is,” Raquel said in lieu of a greeting, “Bih you are shining shining shining shining yeaaaaaah.”
“Can you not?”
“Girl, please. You never looked this good when you and Tamera Campbell’s daddy were doing the do. Let me find out I need to go on over to Le Cordon Bleu and grab me one of these pastry chefs. Sheesh!”
“Something is seriously wrong with you, girl,” I replied, joining her in laughter. She has insisted for years that Tim—my old work—looked like Tim Reid, the guy who played Ray Campbell on Sister Sister. She rarely let a mention of him go by where she didn’t reference this.
“So what’s going on? Because besides that good dick glow on your skin, you look like hell.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Nah sis, you look like you’re on the verge of tears, barely holding it together. So…what’s to it?”
I sighed deeply trying to steel myself for a rather huge revelation that would either shock her into silence or spark the most epic cuss out I’d ever received from her in over thirty years of friendship.
“Do you have wine?” I asked, stalling for time.
“Oh shit…” Raquel responded, sitting up from the reclining position she’d been in, as she peered at me a bit closer, “Patty, you’re…you’re okay, right? There’s nothing…wrong with you, is it?”
“I’m fine, sis. Nothing’s wrong with me…or PJ. It’s just, okay before I tell you this I need you to promise me something.”
“All of this lead up is making me nervous, Pat. Just say it, you know we don’t do secrets.”
Hearing her say that only made me feel worse about the words that were about to come out of my mouth. Not only had I not told her about this, but also I’d kept it to myself for over ten years.
“I ran into Patrick’s father a few weeks ago and he wants me to let him into our…his life.”
Raquel’s eyes narrowed as she cocked her head to the side.
“Patrick’s whom now? I certainly didn’t hear you correctly.”
“You did. His father, half his DNA, the sperm donor.”
“Right. You’ve always referred to his father as a sperm donor and as far as I know you haven’t ever been seriously involved with someone enough to have considered having their child, so explain this to me like I’m two because I’m lost here, sis. Did the sperm bank call you saying that the man who spanked his monkey into a lil cup a decade ago is seeking out a connection with all of the children he may have sired, or?”
“I’m saying that I wasn’t inseminated.”
“Bitch, excuse me?”
“Quel, let me exp—“
“That you’ve lied to me, your son, your sister and god knows who else for the past eleven, hell almost twelve years? How exactly, can you explain that? I thought we had no secrets, but clearly I was wrong.”
I couldn’t say anything. I had no words to combat the rightful anger that Raquel was experiencing and that I was sure Celena would experience when I broke the news to her as well. Admittedly, it was a fucked up secret to keep, but I was scared and feeling dumb. I was the one who always had her shit together and was stable. I wasn’t supposed to be the one who fell in love with a drug dealer twenty years her senior and ended up pregnant with his child. My life was perfectly composed and the hiccup of becoming pregnant ended up being yet another thing for me to handle and then move forward with in my life.
That was my position in this family; I was the fixer. I wasn’t the one who caused problems or was unnecessarily burdensome to everyone else. Not to say that either Raquel or Celena fit this mold either, but of the three of us I was the one who always had her shit together. Or at least to them that’s what it seemed like. I had a plan and I never deviated from that plan. I worked diligently to curate a life that was productive and fulfilling and my baby wasn’t a planned part of any of that. I made adjustments and told half-truths to explain his eventual birth and I certainly wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, but this…confession wasn’t one I’d thought I’d ever have to be making. I was sure that Calvin was out of my life for good and that the life I’d provided for Patrick would be enough that he wouldn’t feel like growing up without a father was a lack for him. Shame on me for thinking…and not taking into account the fact that life has a way of lifing on me, no matter how hard I try to plan for whatever comes my way.
“I’ll…let me call you back, Patty,” Quel said and disconnected the call without waiting for me to acknowledge her.
I knew Raquel would be upset, but I hadn’t expected her to completely shut down on me like this. I sat back on the couch with my head in my hands, tears silently streaming down my face. I’d really managed to fuck this all up and I still had to tell baby sis. And my baby, how in the world was I going to tell him that everything he’d known about his father up until now was a lie. I felt that chest tightening feeling begin to resurface, so I switched from sitting up to laying down. I tried regulating my breathing, but that eventually gave way to body wracking sobs.
After about thirty minutes had passed, I could hear the Face Time chime coming from my iPad. I picked it up to see that it was Raquel calling me back. I quickly wiped my face and swiped to connect the call. Neither of us spoke immediately once the call connected. We both wore twin expressions of somberness, hers mixed with pain, mine with disappointment. Disappointment in myself for underestimating my sisters.
“I’m sorry, Quelly. I’m so so so sorry, sis. You have to believe me when I say I thought I was doing the right thing here. I didn’t want y’all to see me at my worst.”
Raquel sighed, shaking her head as her face morphed from sad to disbelieving.
“Let me ask you something. Of all people…knowing my dirt like you know my dirt, did you honestly think that I would judge you? Or were you too concerned with keeping up the Perfect Patty façade that you would willingly deceive your family in order to keep the shiny veneer of your reputation in tact?”
Those words made me break down again; the truth piercing my heart as sharply as a knife. That was the underlying motivation for it all. Protecting the image of who I thought everyone thought I should be instead of leaning on my village when I needed to. It was much easier to create a new version of the truth instead of accepting what had happened and working through it with the help of my sisters. I didn’t want to be the same woman my mother was, roped into a relationship with someone she thought was one way and turned out to be another. And though our circumstances differed, the cycle of sameness still managed to continue no matter how hard I tried to break it.
After my extended silence Raquel continued, “I’m not disappointed in you, I would not have judged you, and I am so angry with you right now that I could wring your neck. I trust you with my life, Pat. My fucking life. There is nothing that I don’t feel that I can’t share with you and although it may sometimes take longer than others, I always come to you and confide. Because I thought that was the nature of our friendship. No fuck a friendship, sisterhood because despite the absence of shared DNA, you are my sister through and through, so to know you couldn’t trust me to not judge you and accept your circumstance…it hurts. It hurts me so badly that my heart physically aches right now.”
Raquel’s words caused my sobs to increase in volume and they reverberated through my body. I had really made a mess here, trying to “do the right thing” and I shuddered to think of what would happen when I had to go through this again with Celena. Raquel let me cry, giving me the space to compose myself until I could finally speak.
“I don’t know what to do, Quel. I just…I don’t…” I trailed off.
“I called Lena just before I called you back. She’s on her way over there right now, probably.”
“You did what?” I said, sobering up and leveling Raquel with a tight glare that I’m sure she felt the intensity of through the screen.
“I said I called Lena. I didn’t go into detail, but I told her to go on over and check on you because you needed her right now. Because you do. And unlike me? She’s physically there, sis. I know you probably didn’t want to have this conversation twice in one day, but you need someone to wrap you up in a hug and tell you that it’s okay. You made a mistake. A stupidly validated mistake, but it’s not such a big mistake that there’s irreparable damage to our bond, sis. I love you, Patty…witcha lying ass.”
I choked out a laugh, “Love you too, Quelly. And I’ll keep saying it, I am so so sorry for keeping this from you for all these years.”
My doorbell rang and I grabbed the iPad as I walked to open it. Celena was on my stoop with a tote bag in one hand and a pizza in the other.
“Hey Little Lena,” Raquel called from the screen, “I’ll let y’all get to it. Patty, I’ll be calling you tomorrow to check in. Love y’all!”
“Love you too,” Celena and I replied in unison before I disconnected the call.
As Celena walked through the house toward the kitchen, her tote bag clinked with the easily identifiable sounds of adult beverage bottles. As she took the bottles from the bag, I noticed that she had both wine and hard liquor.
“Is this a wine or whiskey conversation?” she asked holding up two bottles with labels I quickly recognized as two of my favorites.
“Both,” I responded as I grabbed glasses and headed toward the living room so that I could have this very difficult conversation for the second time today.
We settled in with our food and drinks and I commenced to telling Celena the entire story about Cal from beginning to where we were currently. She listened intently, not once stopping me to ask a question or interject a thought, feeling, or emotion. Her face remained impassive and unmoving, almost as if my words had begun to turn her to stone. When I finally finished, I braced myself for the blow like Quel had done, but instead Celena reached over and wrapped me in a tight hug. When she pulled back, she stared at me, mouth slightly agape.
“Where does your strength come from, sis? Honestly? How have you managed to hold onto this for so long? I mean, beyond the obvious stubbornness that was your birth right, how did you not just break down and crumble underneath the pressure of keeping it all together?” she asked.
I blew a long stream of air through my lips, considering her questions and thinking of the best way to answer. I gave up trying to find the perfect words and just spoke freely.
“It was hard. It was so hard. You asked me a few weeks ago if I’d ever longed for someone to be on this journey with me. To help me raise Patrick, be there to pick up the slack and hell, to prop me up on days where it seemed too much to bear and honestly? I did. Hell, do. But the risk of giving up so much, of being completely vulnerable to someone in that way…I am not sure if it is worth the reward, honestly.”
“So what are you gonna do about this Cal dude? Are you gonna let him in Peej’s life?”
I sighed, “I just don’t know. He says he’s gotten his shit together and is on the straight and narrow, but I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know if Patrick would be open to wanting to meet him. I just…this shit is a lot right now, Cel.”
“You’re going to have to face it sooner or later though, sis. He’s threatening legal action and what not? You may not have a choice.”
“There’s always a choice, baby sis. Whether or not we choose to make it is a different story.”
Celena and I sat in silence for a while before she suggested that we catch up on some show on Oprah’s channel that she’d been watching about a family with a sugar cane farm. We watched a few episodes before succumbing to the effects of the copious amounts of alcohol we’d both imbibed and knocking out on the couches in the living room.
After a few hours I was startled awake by the incessant ringing of my doorbell. I shot up with a start while Cel remained blissfully unaware of the noise, still knocked out, mouth wide open. I rubbed my eyes to get my bearings and picked up my phone to check the time. It was just after midnight and apparently, my phone had been blowing up all night. I had several missed calls and texts from Damon. I’d completely forgotten about having plans to meet up with him that evening.
I made my way to the door to see who in the hell thought it was cool to just pop up at my door after midnight and lay on the bell until I appeared. I opened the door to see Damon on the other side.
“Are you all right?” he asked, “I’ve been calling you all night after not hearing from you since this afternoon.”
“Sorry about that,” I said, sheepishly, “I had a…something came up and I should have called you to let you know that I needed to take a rain check on tonight. My mind was elsewhere. I’m sorry.”
“All good,” he replied, making a move to get past me and walk into the house.
I moved offensively, blocking his path.
“Is there a reason why I can’t come in? I know your son isn’t here. I left him at my bro and sis house a few hours ago.”
“It’s…not a good time.”
Truthfully, I didn’t want to have to answer more questions if Cel woke up while he was in the house.
“Oh? Is your friend you had dinner with tonight still here?” he asked looking down at what I was wearing. I’d changed into a sleep shirt that barely covered my thighs once Cel and I had settled in for the night. “Am I interrupting? Is that what took you so long to come to the door?”
“What are you talking about, Damon?”
“Your son said that you were out to dinner with a friend and that’s why he was over Danny and Leila’s tonight. I guess you dinner went well enough that you didn’t need my maintenance tonight.”
“Whoa. Chill out, Damon. There is nobody in my house, but my sister who I’d rather not have any further in my business than she has been tonight. Where’s this coming from though? I thought we were just having fun?”
He laughed humorlessly, “Right. Just scratching an itch, right? No need for me in your life beyond providing pleasure on your command. Got it. I’ll be sure to stay in the little box you’re keeping me in until you’re ready for me to reappear in your life.”
He turned to walk away and I grabbed his arm.
“Wait…”
He turned back a look of question on his face, but I wasn’t sure what to say, so I remained quiet.
“That’s what I thought. Goodbye, Patricia,” he said, continuing down the path to his car, getting in and driving away.