Chapter 10
Shawna woke up next Sunday with a feeling of impending doom.
She had been avoiding Layla, and every bit of human contact that wasn’t absolutely necessary at work. She had even canceled her Saturday evening class because she just hadn’t felt up to it.
She’d never done that before.
And yet, Sunday had come around, and she was not ready to face it.
A picnic, with Ryan and Elijah, for Ryan’s birthday. What on earth had possessed her to come up with such a thing without even knowing the full story?
And now that she did, she had stepped way out of line.
But she had been honest with Elijah.
He hadn’t been in touch.
She wasn’t surprised. She had half expected him to send her an email, telling her that there would be no picnic.
She dreaded taking her phone and checking her email, but she did, and her heart felt like it had plopped straight down into her stomach when she saw that there was an email from Elijah, with just ‘details’ in the subject line.
Taking a deep breath, she clicked, and saw that he had arranged a picnic, and would pick her up at eleven, at home.
There was no mention of their conversation a week ago.
Ryan was thrilled about the picnic. He had hardly been able to keep still in class. It had been adorable.
By the time Shawna dragged herself out of bed and to the kitchen, breakfast was ready and something was obviously in the oven. Layla was so happy that she was doing everything she could to make life easier for Shawna.
Shawna appreciated it, but she didn’t feel much like eating.
“I’m baking muffins for your picnic. I got a gift for Ryan, too. Will you give it to him? He sent me an invitation, can you believe it? I have practice, though, so I can’t make it.”
“Who?”
“Ryan, of course. Well, Elijah, really, I guess, but Ryan signed it. I think Ryan dictated it and Elijah typed it out.”
Shawna blinked.
“That’s unlikely. Elizabeth probably did it.”
“No, Elijah sent it,” insisted Layla.
Shawna let it go.
What did it matter?
She was ready at eleven, and they were on time. Shawna was surprised to see that Elijah was driving – a convertible. A red one.
It was so unlike him that the reserve she had drawn around herself along with her coat melted.
“Do you like it? Ryan likes it.”
“It’s cool!” called Ryan, who was in the rather small back seat, all buckled in.
“Didn’t you call shotgun?” asked Shawna, with a grin.
“Dad says I’m not allowed to till I’m twelve.”
“Very wise of dad. So where’s our picnic basket? Layla baked us muffins.”
“Layla is busy,” said Ryan, with a pout.
It was the most childlike thing that Shawna had seen him do, and it made her chuckle.
“She is indeed. She has to practice for hours and hours because she has a performance. And you, my dear Ryan, if you stick with your music, will have to do the same.”
“I like music.”
“I’m quite aware you do,” said Elijah, sounding amused.
He was wearing jeans, realized Shawna, in amazement.
He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and he looked so handsome that her mouth went dry.
Damn.
What the hell was going on?
“Well, aren’t you getting in?”
“Yes, of course,” said Shawna, and got in.
The car was so small that they brushed against each other every time they moved, and Shawna could feel the sparks flying.
“Where’re we going?”
“We’re going to the cottage,” Ryan informed her.
Shawna glanced at Elijah.
“It’s our summer cottage. Ryan likes spending time there.”
Obviously, it was a day full of surprises, and she was along for the ride.
It was just forty minutes out of town, but it was wonderful how everything changed.
“Katherine loved coming here,” said Elijah, softly, and Shawna was even more surprised.
He had volunteered something about himself without being pushed and prodded.
The cottage itself was cozy and lovely, but they headed to what turned out to be a real stream running through the property, making it look like a meadow.
“Layla baked you birthday muffins. She said you preferred them to a cake.”
Ryan nodded seriously.
“I’ll have cake in the evening. I’m having a party.”
Shawna glanced at Elijah.
“That will be handled by his nanny. I’m afraid handling a whole gathering of seven-year-olds is rather beyond me.”
Shawna chuckled.
“Sounds fair enough.”
It was one of the most peaceful days of Shawna’s life, like she had stepped into another time when there was nothing to worry about and everything would always turn out fine. The stream was apparently perfect for paddling, and there was music, and excellent food, and best of all, Elijah looked relaxed and happy. Those lines seemed to be fading, or at least, more like laugh lines than frown ones.
“You look lovely, Shawna,” said Elijah, softly, as they watched Ryan nod off.
“Thank you,” said Shawna, feeling unaccountably shy.
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
Shawna shrugged. She didn’t pretend to not know what he was talking about.
“It’s not my place.”
Elijah’s grin was wicked.
“I don’t think that’s ever stopped you before.”
Shawna smiled ruefully.
“It hasn’t, has it? Well then, what’s going on? This is all… Very unlike you.”
Elijah shrugged.
“I decided to listen to you. I wondered what his mother would say to me if I could hear her, and I swear my ears burned. I think it’s a pity that nobody dared to tell me the truth until you threw all sense of self-preservation to the wind and let it all out. You were right. I thought… Well, my childhood wasn’t exactly full of warmth and love, but I turned out fine, didn’t I? I thought that as long as I could give him what he needed, and what he wanted, it would be fine.”
Elijah fell silent, and Shawna reached over and placed her hand on his. He turned his to lace his fingers with hers, and Shawna sighed.
It was one of those few moments in your life when everything felt like it had all fallen into place. They didn’t last long – something moved, and pieces went all awry again – but in that moment, there was perfection.
“I think you’re doing the right thing. The difficult thing. Ryan is very sweet. You’ll soon see more than Katherine when you look at him. You’ll see the person he is.”
Elijah smiled just a little, and looked at Ryan, now fast asleep on the blanket.
“It’s funny. I used to see only her when I looked at him. I used to look for a sign of me. Now I see it, and I can’t tell her about it. That, I think, is the worst part – when you see something and you want to share it with them, but they’re not here.”
The words twisted in her, just a bit, but she swallowed it. How could she resent him his grief?
How he must have loved his wife to feel such grief, such longing, even so long after she’d passed away!
“Was she talented? Musically?” ventured Shawna.
“She had the voice of an angel. She used to sing to him, every night and every morning, and many more times besides. She was an angel. No wonder she was called back so quickly. Maybe she knew it, somewhere inside. She made me live each day as if it could be our last, but not in a reckless way. Just joyously. As if grudges were not worth holding, and grievances were not worth remembering.”
“She sounds like a wonderful person.”
Shawna could say that sincerely, even through the jealousy.
“She was. I will always love her. I never want to feel like that again.”
Shawna felt her heart shiver when he said that. She tried to tell herself that he was talking about the pain.
But there was never love without pain.
But he didn’t pull his hand away.
They sat there, in silence, until finally, Elijah turned to Shawna.
“You’re not like her. But some things… She was the only other person who ever told me the unvarnished truth. For a moment, it was like she was telling me to stop wallowing and start living again.”
Shawna smiled, though it hurt.
“I don’t think I was possessed. I’m afraid I’ve been outspoken all my life,” she said, teasing a smile out of him.
“I guess I’m trying to say thank you. And… You owe me dinner.”
Shawna chuckled.
“I guess I do.”
“Come home tonight. Ryan will be tired out and in bed by six. Come to just be with me.”
How could she say no to the sweetness of that?
She couldn’t.
So she smiled and nodded.
“Of course I will,” she said softly, and knew that wherever it led, it would be her choice.
But who was she kidding?
She’d already made her choice.
*****
Shawna felt unaccountably shy as she walked into the house. Ryan was excited again, for his party. Adrenaline might take him through that, but he would be out for the count right afterwards.
Elizabeth took him from them with a smile, and Shawna caught the look that Ryan and Elijah exchanged.
It was happiness, and there was such a sense of belonging in that look.
“So, shall we go to our party for two?”
Shawna grinned.
“Only if dinner is late. I’m stuffed after that picnic, still. And those muffins! When did Layla get so good!”
Elijah just smiled, as they walked to his wing, and Shawna felt like she had to keep her lips really tightly closed or she’d start babbling again.
“It was a good day.”
He sounded surprised.
That was what it was, realized Shawna – that was what was different. He seemed unsure of himself, suddenly. He’d always been so sure of everything, so sure that things would go according to plan – his plan, of course. No other plan was relevant.
“You did well.”
He looked even more surprised.
“I did?”
“Elijah,” said Shawna, as they walked in and she headed straight to the alcove, as was habit, as if it was natural, “you could be a very good father. You’re already ahead of the game because that boy adores you.”
Elijah smiled as he poured them both wine, and walked to her.
“How about you, Shawna?” he asked, softly.
“I adore him. Ryan is wonderful.”
Elijah’s smile widened, and now he was so close that she could see the darker flecks in those gray eyes, and she wanted…
She wanted so much.
She wanted too much.
“What about me? Do you adore me?”
Shawna opened her mouth and closed it again, because he was too close. She couldn’t breathe but to breathe him in.
“I…”
That was all she managed to say before his mouth was on hers, and she stopped thinking at all.
She should’ve been prepared for it. She knew how it would be.
But it was different, because…
Because she knew she loved him, and if this was all she could have, then she would hold it close to her heart, forever.
“Elijah,” she gasped when he pulled away, just for a second, but she lost all words again as his lips seared her neck, making her moan and tremble in his arms.
His hands moved up her torso, pulling her blouse free from the waist of her skirt and sliding underneath. She craved his hands on her bare skin, and when his hands moved up her back and unhooked her bra, she moaned again.
Her breasts felt so full and heavy, anticipating his clever fingers moving over them, touching her and teasing her until she was begging for him to be inside her, to give her all that she wanted.
“Please,” she whimpered, as his mouth turned its attention to her ear, tugging at it and making her shiver, his tongue exploring the sensitive folds.
“I need you, Shawna. I haven’t felt this need in so long. I want to take you, have you.”
“Take me.”
It was surrender, but there was power in it as Shawna felt herself being lifted up into his arms and carried to the bed. She was laid down carefully and he sat back, slowly undoing the buttons of her shirt, exposing her dark, soft skin to him, slowly.
He pulled her hair loose from the bun she had it in, and she didn’t object. It sprang free, wild and untamed, and she felt like all of her was wild for him.
But she didn’t move.
He unhooked the front clip of her bra and pushed it to the sides, and he looked at her as if he was greedy for her.
She watched his hands, tanned but still so much paler than hers, moving over her torso, touching her with just his fingertips and making her feel so loose, as if she were melting under the gentle onslaught of his sensuality.
“So beautiful, so perfect. So strong, but so sensitive,” he whispered, and his fingertips feathered over her nipples, making them pucker proudly, becoming hard and bigger, demanding more.
“You like that. Tell me you like that.”
Shawna had to search for her voice.
“I love how you touch me.”
“I want to touch every inch of you. The taste of you has been driving me mad. I keep thinking of you, keep thinking how gorgeous you look, naked and open for me, wanting me. You’re so beautiful.”
He was undoing the hook of her skirt and pulling it down, taking her panties with it, and she sighed as he spread her legs and looked at her.
“So beautiful, Shawna,” he said, and his eyes were on her, where she was so wet and needy for him, where she was throbbing to take his hard, long, thick shaft deep inside her, hold on to him until he had pleasured her and she had pleasured him in turn, and then even longer.
She looked, propped up by the pillows, as his fingers moved down her torso, over her belly and down to her crotch. His fingers spread her lips there and softly touched the swollen, hard little button that was desperate for him.
“Tell me how you feel.”
“So good. I need you. I need you inside me.”
“Now?”
“But don’t stop touching me. You feel so good. I want…”
“Tell me what you want.”
He pressed on her clit, making her cry out, and leaned forward to lick her nipples. His fingers were so light, but she felt his touch everywhere inside her.
“I want your mouth. Please.”
“Like this?” he breathed, and bent down to lick her, taste her, making her cry out in pleasure.
She held on to the back of the bed as he buried his face between her legs and nuzzled her there, licking her, his lips moving over her, his teeth nibbling so gently, driving her nearly mad with the need for release.
“Elijah, please, please,” she begged, and he licked her harder, using the flat of his tongue, before flicking her again and again with the tip of it.
When it came, she was hardly prepared for it. Her body arched off the bed as she held on, and let the climax ripple through her, biting her lip to keep from screaming.
He moved away, for just a second, for far too long, but by the time she had her eyes open he was naked and next to her again, so close that she could feel the warmth of his body against her, heating her up all over again.
He moved over her, and kissed her, and she tasted herself on him.
“Scream. This time, I want you to scream,” he told her, and pushed her legs up, hooking his arms around her knees, and drove into her.
She cried out as the pleasure rocked her, and he was moving, filling her, stretching her, until she was nearly delirious with the pleasure of it.
He moved, in and out of her, drawing almost all the way out of her before driving into her again, until she could hardly breathe, until it felt like she couldn’t even think.
She sobbed his name, over and over again.
“Touch yourself. I want to feel your fingers.”
Her eyes flew open and looked into his, so close to hers, and she saw the intensity in them that mirrored her own.
She saw herself reflected in his eyes and she was naked and wanton, mindlessly seeking pleasure that he was offering to her.
“Oh yes,” she whispered, before taking his mouth in an almost punishing kiss, her body trying to move with his, welcoming his passionate invasion.
She wanted to drive him past all control, too.
“I want you to come inside me. I want you to fill me, until all I can feel is you.”
“Shawna,” he said, and it was a groan of desperation as she held on to him and he drove even harder into her, as if he would possess her, forever.
She wanted him to.
“Elijah!”
She touched him, felt his hard length moving in and out of her, and touched herself, keeping herself on that knife’s edge of pleasure that was almost painful.
But she didn’t want to let go.
She wanted to stay there forever, stay in his arms forever, have him inside of her, making her feel that way, forever.
She wanted forever.
“Come for me. I want to feel you come for me.”
She couldn’t hold on, not after those words. She held on to him and embraced everything she was promised, and she screamed his name as her body shuddered in pleasure, over and over again, holding on to him, holding him inside her.
She kissed him, long and hard, hardly taking a breath, and pushed him deeper inside her with her heels as she wrapped her legs around him. When she felt his body jerk and tense, and she felt the rippling in his muscles, the limpness that crept in, and she felt the warmth of his wetness inside her, she felt joy beyond anything she had felt before.
With it, she felt loss, beyond anything she had ever felt before.
“Elijah,” she whispered, but she felt broken, even when he was still inside her, even when she was holding him, and she was still secure in his arms.
“Shawna,” he responded, his face buried in the crook of her neck, and she held him to her, trying to give him what comfort she could, because she knew that it would be for the last time.
She knew that she couldn’t do it again.
I love you.
The words were on the tip of her tongue, trembling to trip out, to tell him how much he meant to her, how much she would give to him, how she longed to belong to him, but she couldn’t say them.
She couldn’t say them because she could see his face as he had finally told her about the woman he had loved.
The woman who was no longer in this world with them, and yet he still loved her.
She knew he did.
So this time, when he rolled off her, she kept a bright smile on her face.
“Well, it is a day of surprises, isn’t it?”
She kept her voice nonchalant and light as she sat up.
“I’m on the pill, so don’t worry about it. I’m on it for acne, actually. You can’t tell now, but I used to have a terrible problem with it.”
“Are you all right?”
Oh, he was concerned.
“Of course I am. It was wonderful. And now I’m hungry – like, starving. Do you think dinner is ready?”
Was she babbling? She didn’t think so.
“I suppose that was quite a workout. Hold on, I’ll have dinner in a moment. Maybe two. Want a T-shirt?”
The casual offer nearly made her weep.
It was the kind of intimacy she had longed for.
But it would never be hers.
She heard him say the words: I never want to feel like that again.
He would never love her, and she was a fool for wanting him to. For needing him to.
“Wouldn’t mind one. Hold on, I need…”
She made the universal sign for the bathroom and ducked in there, as if she was fleeing the scene of a crime.
She’d done it again.
This time, what excuse did she have?
She’d done it again, and if she didn’t stay away from him, she would do it yet again.
She would get through dinner, she told herself, as she stared at the woman in the mirror. But she wouldn’t again. Because all of this was over. She didn’t care if she was reneging on their deal. She couldn’t do it anymore.
She couldn’t.