Chapter 9
“Since we’re having these meetings right after the lesson with Ryan, I thought it would be a good time to go over my emailed reports.”
Shawna sat there, primly, dressed in her dowdiest skirt and sweater, and looked at him expectantly.
Elijah looked startled.
Good.
He had gotten far too used to getting his own way in everything. It was about time somebody shook him up a bit.
“Reports?”
“I send them every week, you do know that? Haven’t you been reading them?”
“Of course I have.”
“Then you should know that generally, every few weeks, I go over the reports with parents, in person, because a lot can get lost in translation over email. So would you rather ask questions about the reports, or would you like me to summarize?”
Elijah looked uncomfortably nonplussed now, and Shawna had to bite back a grin.
Good, so the supercilious asshole was gone, and the vulnerable man she’d fallen for was back. She could work with the vulnerable one.
The one who seemed human.
Shawna was tired of feeling like she was being kicked around by fate, and she was taking back control. So certain things were beyond her control. That was fine. There was nothing she could do about that. But how she dealt with what was in front of her was within her control, and she was going to do what was right, come hell or high water.
She’d received a short and very sharp lesson – that there was no bubble outside of reality in the time she spent with Elijah. So it was about time she stopped checking her common sense at the door.
If he wanted to spend time with her so badly, for whatever reason, then he could damn well spend time with all of her, not just the parts of her that he found agreeable.
“Summarize?”
He wasn’t asking her to summarize. He was just repeating what she’d said as if he couldn’t quite comprehend it. But that was good enough for Shawna to launch into a speech about how well Ryan was doing, and end on a proposition that he play for Elijah, purely for Elijah to judge how well Shawna was doing, of course.
He looked like he’d been punched in the face, and Shawna felt a keen sense of satisfaction.
“A performance?”
“I’m glad you agree. We’ll schedule it for next Sunday, since it’s past Ryan’s bed time now. He will be my prize pupil, I think, and that’s saying something since the group I put together – well, they put themselves together, but I put them together too – placed second in the very first competition they ever entered. Even better, they’re disappointed with that and determined to work even harder. I have a student who is excellent on the piano – the church lets us use the piano so he can learn and practice – and should get a scholarship approved. I have taught young people who are quite marvelously talented, Elijah. Ryan could be better than all of them, especially with that remarkable work ethic he has, even if he’s just seven years old. Which reminds me, his birthday is in a couple of weeks, and Elizabeth tells me that he doesn’t want a party. Perhaps he might enjoy a picnic? It happens to be on a Sunday, so instead of dinner, we could do lunch, and it would be a wonderful little treat for Ryan. He has been working very hard, so I feel bound to recommend a reward for him.”
Elijah really looked like he had been clobbered.
He nodded, looking far more confused that Shawna had ever seen him.
Good, thought Shawna.
“A picnic.”
“Wonderful. That’s all decided, then. So, what’re we having for dinner tonight? I have dessert with me, by the way – tiny little tarts. My sister baked them. She baked enough for everybody in the house. They turned out quite well. She used to be horrible at following recipes, but now I think that’s because she was stifling her creativity too much by following the recipes to the letter. I don’t think our grandmother wrote down the recipes perfectly, to be honest – I think she left room for individuality, and certain things she took for granted, as if her grandchildren would have common sense and would know the basics of cooking. I’ve only made the basic stuff, but Layla used to try all the fancy things.”
Elijah looked a little dazed.
Shawna kept at it, talking about family relentlessly, until it looked like he was getting a headache.
But even he had to admit that the tarts were excellent.
“Your sister could be a chef!”
Shawna laughed.
“Oh, she’ll be absolutely tickled to hear that. But her dancing is going very well. She wasn’t very happy with the idea of me borrowing money from a client, but she is so happy about being able to keep dancing that she couldn’t keep that up. It’s nice to see her happy. Everything is worth it as long as she’s happy.”
“You really love your sister.”
Shawna smiled.
“I think family means everything. Sometimes I wonder if people who have parents and grandparents and in-laws and a whole big, messy family know how lucky they are, how much some of us would give to get some of it back. But Layla is what I’ve got now. Everything’s worth it as long as Layla is happy. She will be a wonderful ballerina, and I love knowing that, but even if she were just mediocre, I would still do everything I could to keep her dancing because she loves it so much.”
“That’s very noble.”
Shawna shook her head, and refused to look away.
“No, it really isn’t. It’s just love. That’s what everything comes down to, in the end, isn’t it? It’s all just about love.”
What could he possibly say to that?
Shawna smiled and checked her watch, though she knew perfectly well that it had been two hours, which meant that she could leave without making it look like she was trying to escape, which she was.
“I should be going, if that’s all? I’ll make sure that Ryan is well practiced for next Sunday.”
Shawna got to her feet before Elijah could figure out a way to object, and swept out, without waiting for him to say a word.
Elijah stood there for a few long moments.
He felt like he’d been chewed out very efficiently. His head was spinning more than a bit and he wasn’t sure just what had happened.
Apparently, he had agreed to a personal recital from Ryan, and they were going out for a picnic, all three of them, in another week.
That wasn’t what he’d had in mind when he’d suggested this arrangement. To be honest, he wasn’t entirely sure just what he had had in mind, because his brain seemed to get a little scrambled around Shawna, even at the best of times. Shawna had a way of making him do irrational things.
But this time, it wasn’t much to do with him.
Shawna had played him, and she had done it very effectively, indeed.
Slowly, he grinned, appreciative of her skill.
He had obviously underestimated the woman. And he could only admire her even more for that. To be honest, there was a lot to admire about Shawna. She was smart, witty, devoted to her family and when she let go of some of that uptightness that she unfortunately did have, she was a laugh and a half.
Apparently, though, she had missed her calling. Music might be what she had chosen, but if she’d gone into business, she could’ve wheeled and dealed anybody into just about anything she wanted.
He figured he was lucky she’d stopped when she did, because she had read him, and played him, magnificently.
But strangely enough, Elijah didn’t mind. He was exhilarated.
The woman was full of surprises, and he liked it.
He was only surprised by how much he liked it.
And by how much he was looking forward to seeing her again.
But it meant spending time with Ryan, and she didn’t know the whole story there. It was obvious that she considered him inadequate as a father, but that was one part of his life where he didn’t want her to interfere.
And yet…
And yet, she had managed to awaken in him feelings of guilt that he had avoided for about six years.
He wasn’t going to feel guilty about not spending enough time with his son. Ryan had everything – everything money could buy, the best care that money could get him, all of it.
Ryan had it all.
But he didn’t have his mom or dad, whispered a little voice in Elijah’s head, and the voice sounded very much like Shawna’s.
All the joy in that evening disappeared and Elijah turned away from the window before Shawna was driven away in the car that was part of the deal.
He did what he always did when he wanted to stop feeling.
He got to work.
*****
“I’m not ready, Miss Woods!”
Shawna smiled and shook her head.
“Now, that’s your nerves speaking. Remember what we practiced? The deep breaths, and counting, and focusing on the violin? You’ll be fine if you do that.”
The little boy looked so woebegone that Shawna just wanted to cuddle him.
“What if he doesn’t think I’m any good?”
Shawna kept the smile in place.
“Would he have asked you to play for him if he didn’t? I told him you are very good, Ryan, but even if you make a mistake, it will be fine. You can just start over. That’s the best part. You love this, don’t you?”
Ryan nodded.
“Then you’re going to do fine. Now, shall we go?”
Shawna was just about to lead Ryan to Elijah’s work wing when there was a knock at the door. Surprised, Shawna opened the door, expecting Mr. Smith or Elizabeth, but saw, to her shock, Elijah, standing there.
“Dad, I’m going to play for you. I might make a mistake.”
Shawna tensed, but slowly relaxed as Elijah smiled.
“I make mistakes sometimes, too. Just correct it if you do, and it will be fine,” said Elijah.
“Well, we were about to come to you, but now that you’re here, let me get us both seated, and Ryan will play for us.”
Before father or son could lose their nerve, Shawna got two chairs for them, and gave Ryan an encouraging nod.
There was a false start, but Shawna kept her face relaxed and smiling, and Ryan started again.
This time, it took, and the melody, deceptively simple but a rather complicated arrangement for one so young, flowed out over them.
Shawna glanced at Elijah, and saw it.
She saw the pride, whether or not he would ever admit it.
She saw the pride that shone through, as he listened to his son, looking so serious, so engrossed, and playing for his father, for what might be the very first time.
Ryan didn’t make a mistake – not a single one, not after that false start, and Shawna sighed at how much feeling he put into his playing, the small flourishes that came with innate talent that refused to just follow the dots and dashes on the page that told you what to do.
When Ryan finally stopped, and looked at Shawna, she smiled, and clapped.
“That was excellent! You did wonderfully, Ryan.”
She glanced at Elijah, and her heart nearly burst when she saw the wonder and love in his eyes.
Why did he hide it?
Why did he deny it?
Why didn’t he spend more time with this little boy who adored him?
Elijah cleared his throat before he could speak.
“That was definitely very good, Ryan.”
Shawna grinned.
“A bit better than that, don’t you think?”
“Yes. Yes, indeed. Much better. You were wonderful, Ryan. You did that very well indeed.”
Shawna sighed as Ryan carefully set the violin and bow aside and, after a moment’s hesitation, walked to his father and hugged him.
There was a long, slow moment that seemed to go on forever, when Elijah tensed, but then he relaxed, his limbs loosened, and he hugged his son back.
“Thank you, daddy. Miss Woods is very good.”
“Yes, yes she is. We’ll have a picnic next Sunday, for your birthday.”
Ryan looked at his father with such adoration that Shawna was torn between kicking Elijah, hard, and kissing him.
“We will?”
“It was going to be a surprise,” muttered Shawna.
“Oh. Oh, then I’ll have to think of another surprise to make up for it.”
Ryan looked like he was about to burst with joy as he hugged his father, and Shawna watched them, wondering again at the subtle ways they resembled each other.
And she wondered, again, about Ryan’s mother.
Elizabeth turned up just in time to give Ryan his supper and tuck him in, and Shawna walked back with Elijah for their dinner, honoring the deal. Elijah was quiet until they had the wine poured, and the entrée in front of them.
“He is very good, isn’t he?” said Elijah, finally.
Shawna grinned.
“Didn’t you believe me? He’s excellent. He’s better than anybody I’ve seen, even among students about twice his age. You will be very proud of him one day.”
“I find myself already proud of him,” murmured Elijah, and he sounded shocked with himself.
Shawna waited, torn, and finally decided to plow ahead.
“Why don’t you spend more time with him?”
Elijah looked up at Shawna, startled.
He obviously hadn’t expected her to ask that.
“I know it’s none of my business. Trust me, I know that, but… He’s such a wonderful child. He really is. He adores you. But you barely spend any time with him. You don’t even seem to know him. Don’t you like children?”
Elijah looked at her for a long moment, and wordlessly got to his feet, walked to the bar, and got out a bottle of that single malt.
Well, not that one.
A new one, unopened.
He opened it and got two glasses.
“This conversation needs more than wine,” said Elijah, and he sounded almost defeated.
Shawna almost regretted asking him that at all.
“I… I’m sorry, Elijah, you don’t have to…”
Elijah chuckled, but it was a mirthless sound.
“Oh, I think we have crossed all kinds of barriers of what we should do and what we shouldn’t do, don’t you think so, Shawna? It’s probably about time I told you about the darkest part of me.”
Shawna was uneasy, but she needed to know.
As she sat across from him, and he poured two fingers of whiskey in their glasses, neat, she discovered that she needed to know.
Watching him with his son had broken down whatever barriers she had built within herself. She had told herself that she could contain the feelings she had for him, but the look of longing and pride on his face, the love in his eyes, had torn them all down.
She needed to know this man, because it felt like she had no choice but to love him, with all his flaws.
And boy, he had plenty of those.
Suddenly, she needed something stronger to drink, too, so when he tossed that whiskey back, so did she, and she didn’t say a word as he refilled their glasses.
“Ryan’s mother’s name is… was…. She was Kate. Katherine, I called her, but nobody else called her Katherine. My family didn’t approve of her. She didn’t have the pedigree that was expected of women who married into this family. She was a law student, going to be a public defender. But we were in love. I loved her, more than I could have thought possible. She was everything light and happy. She believed that the world could be a better place, that there would always be laughter, that there could always be love. She made me believe it, too. We were going to save the world together. And then… She got pregnant. She was thrilled. So was I. We got married, though we had to keep it a secret, because my trust fund hadn’t kicked in yet, and I couldn’t afford to keep us comfortable without it. Being pregnant is expensive, did you know that?”
Shawna didn’t say a word.
She didn’t even move.
She didn’t want to break whatever trance he was in, as he knocked back his second drink, and poured himself another. She stuck to sipping that one.
“When she had Ryan, there were complications. She was on my insurance by then, so she had the best of care. That was when the family found out, too. I told them they could do whatever they liked – I loved her. I loved Ryan, too. She named him for her grandfather. Things were fine after that, for a while, but she wasn’t strong – she wasn’t strong enough to do everything she wanted to do. But she was born for motherhood. She was wonderful. Even in this place, where she was made to feel unwelcome, she brought happiness. But then… Then she got pregnant again. We’d been told that a second pregnancy would be risky – too risky. I didn’t want her to take a risk. But she wouldn’t hear of an abortion. She wouldn’t. She promised me that everything would be fine.”
Now, finally, he raised his eyes to hers, and she saw betrayal in them, so hot and fresh.
“She promised.”
“But she wasn’t,” whispered Shawna.
“No. She went into labor when she was about seven and a half months along, and they lost, first the baby, and then her. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. Everything… Everything we had dreamed of, everything we had planned, all the happiness that I had taken for granted… All of it was gone. That was when I realized that love was a lie. That everything was a lie. All you can trust is what you can control. Everything else is a lie meant to hurt you.”
The viciousness of his words left her in no doubt that he believed every word of it, and her heart ached for him for what he had lost.
“But none of it was Ryan’s fault.”
“Ryan… Ryan looks like her, like my Katharine. He never looked like me. He moves the way she moved. He is like a little version of her. I see him, and I see everything I lost. I see all the dreams that went up in smoke, all the lies that love tells you. That’s why I don’t spend time with him. I don’t want to see my dead wife’s face every time I turn around. So I provide for him, the very best of all that money can get, and I make sure that he is kept out of my way. That’s the best I can do for him.”
Shawna waited, for a long moment, before she found her voice.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Elijah. I truly am. I cannot begin to fathom what it was like. But for the rest of it… That’s bullshit, and that’s unfair,” she said, finally.
Elijah looked up at her, shocked.
“I’m sorry, Elijah. I’m sorry for your loss. I truly am. I know what loss is like. But it’s your choice to see that loss every time you look at that child.”
Elijah shook his head vehemently, the look on his face almost dangerous.
“Oh, I know what I’m talking about. Layla is the spitting image of our mother. She talks like her, moves like her… Everything about her seems to have come from our mom. For a long time, she could hardly bear to look at herself in the mirror. I loved my parents, Elijah. I loved them so much, and then I lost them. But when I see Layla, I choose to see the love they gave us, so freely. I feel the loss, but if they hadn’t given us so much joy, there would’ve been nothing to lose. I know it’s not the same, but Ryan needs you. He lost his mother, and he shouldn’t have to feel like he lost his father, too. And you… You need that boy more than you’re willing to admit.”
“You overstep,” he warned her, almost menacingly.
Shawna smiled sadly.
“I know, I do. I overstep. But you wanted to spend time with me, Elijah. Well, this is me – I speak up. Very often, you won’t like what I have to say. But that won’t keep me from speaking up. You’ll have to deal with that, I’m afraid. And… I’m sorry, but I must go. I know, our deal. I hope that spending a couple of extra hours next week will make up for it. I don’t feel like eating now.”
Without waiting for a reply, Shawna got up and walked away, her heart heavy, for all three of them.
So finally, she knew why he was so cold, and why he avoided intimacy.
He still loved his Katherine.
That meant that he would never let himself love her.
What a fool she had been for hoping he might!
What a fool she had been…