Chapter 6
Over the next week, Shawna managed to rationalize it.
Elijah – and it was odd, thinking of him as Elijah – had wanted to get to know the person who’d suddenly developed such an influence over his son, of course, and he’d done so without putting her on the defensive.
That showed that he had far more tact than he’d shown during their first and unpleasant meeting.
It showed, too, that he cared about his son, beyond just providing for him.
At least, Shawna hoped so.
That was the only explanation that could settle those butterflies in her stomach, though. He’d awakened them, and they kept fluttering throughout the week, here and there, as if they were finding their wings for the first time.
It wasn’t like she’d never been attracted to a man before. She’d had boyfriends. But...
Well, she’d never had a serious boyfriend, not really.
She’d been focused on her music for so long, and after that, well...
She’d had far too many responsibilities to think about boys. Making ends meet, making sure that Layla was doing well, and then there had been the responsibilities at work, and, of course, the weight of making decisions that she wasn’t sure were for the best, but had to believe that they were... Life hadn’t been very easy.
It hadn’t been nearly as difficult as it could’ve been, either, she reminded herself as she went on with her life, finding a new rhythm and a new routine that worked for her.
It was tempting to give Ryan special attention in class, but she didn’t.
She noticed the coolness that had suddenly developed among the teachers, towards her – except, of course, for the stalwart Ms. Stepp.
There had been a conversation, during the course of which Ms. Stepp had given her some solid advice: “Don’t let them get you down. Most of them are annoyed, and a little jealous. Make sure that you get permission from the board in writing, and don’t be surprised if the man chooses to end the lessons as abruptly as he began it. And my dear, this is possibly overstepping the line a little, but save the money. Don’t spend it all.”
Shawna had smiled and nodded.
Sound advice, and she meant to follow it.
But the conversation had reminded her that as far as Elijah was concerned, first-name basis notwithstanding, she was just one of the hired help.
She had to remind herself to hold on to that as she was picked up, much to Layla’s admiration, in a sleek black sedan that was obviously quite expensive.
This time, she told Layla not to wait up for dinner.
Teaching Ryan, though, made all the uncertainties worth it. He was coming along – and was possibly even more talented than Shawna had thought.
Shawna was beginning to wonder if she could be as good a teacher as he deserved, much as she’d hate to lose the money that she’d already earmarked for the part of Layla’s tuition that wouldn’t be covered by her scholarship.
When Ryan got the hang of the first few bars of Greensleeves, Shawna couldn’t help it. She hugged the child, and whispered, “I am so proud of you, Ryan! That is wonderful. You did it so well.”
He looked at her, those big blue eyes shining, and asked, “Do you think daddy will be proud?”
Shawna’s heart nearly broke. How could he not be?
“I’m sure he will be. How about we learn the whole verse and then play it for him? I bet he’ll be thrilled.”
Shawna was ashamed to admit to herself that she wasn’t sure how the man would take an impromptu performance of a few bars of a popular folk song.
But Ryan nodded, and she had time to figure out a way to get Elijah interested in his son’s progress. Maybe even a little proud.
By the time they were done, Shawna was delighted with Ryan, and bursting to tell Elijah all about it. This time, when there was a knock on the door, she hoped it would be Elijah. But it was Elizabeth, the nanny – a cheerful woman a few years older than Shawna was, and one who, Shawna realized quickly, she would be friends with, if given the opportunity.
“I have to confess, I gave up my evening off so that I could size you up. Ryan has been full of Miss Woods this and Miss Woods that. I was curious.”
Shawna smiled.
“I was, too. He tells me about his friend, Miss Elizabeth. He’s a good kid, isn’t he?”
“I fall in love with all of them, but Ryan is special. He... Ah well.”
Shawna had seen the shadow, and wanted to ask more, but she knew instinctively that it was too soon.
“Anyway, the Count is expecting you. I hope he doesn’t grill you too much.”
Shawna chuckled, delighted.
“Oh, he does look like a count of some sort, doesn’t he?”
“And he looks like he’s always doing a difficult math sum of some sort.”
Shawna made her way to the wing of the house where everything was different, but this time, she didn’t feel so out of place everywhere.
Maybe it had all been in her head, after all.
“Elijah?”
“Shawna, you’re here. Right on time.”
He was smiling, framed against the window, and he looked so handsome that it made her heart beat faster.
All right, so she hadn’t imagined that bit, thought Shawna as she acknowledged that tug deep in her belly, that slow, liquid heat that spread through her, making her fingertips tingle a little.
“Of course.”
“You look lovely and fresh.”
Shawna looked up, surprised.
“Surely you’re used to being told that you’re lovely? You’re a very arresting woman, Shawna. You glow, wherever you are. Even in school, where you try your best to tone down all that comes naturally to you, you stand out. There’s an energy and determination to you that most people could never have.”
Shawna chuckled, embarrassed.
“Maybe it’s just stubbornness you see.”
“Maybe that’s just a name given to that quality by those who fail to understand how potent and powerful it can be.”
“Would you like an update... About Ryan?”
Shawna asked that hesitantly, and knew, immediately, that Elijah didn’t want to talk about him.
“It is my job, Elijah.”
He shrugged.
“Is he progressing?”
“Extremely well.”
“Then there isn’t much for me to do, is there?”
Shawna wanted to tell him so much more, but she held her tongue. At least he hadn’t asked her to email, this time. Surely that was improvement.
“You don’t have to do anything. I met his nanny today. She seems like a really nice woman.”
Elijah shrugged.
“She came with excellent references. Now, tell me about Layla. How’s her dancing going?”
He was changing the subject, of course. But she was feeling good, as she sat in the little nook, with Elijah sitting across from her, pouring her a glass of wine, and urging her to help herself to dumplings, assuring her that nothing had peanuts in it, because of her allergy, and she let it go.
She had to admit to herself that it was nice to have a break from feeling the weight of everything pressing down on her. She’d become used to shouldering the responsibility, but it was nice to forget it for a while.
So she told him about Layla’s latest culinary attempts, making almond butter because Shawna couldn’t have peanut butter, and wondered at how he had remembered just a passing mention from earlier, that she was allergic to peanuts.
There was more to him than he let on. But that sternness didn’t go away, either. It was always there, just under the surface, and Shawna was aware that she was letting him in, but he wasn’t giving anything away. She gleaned things about him from how he interacted with her, but he didn’t talk about himself – he didn’t even talk about his childhood, or about Ryan, or about Ryan’s mother.
He didn’t talk about family, except for that one conversation about his great-grandfather who had built the fortress that was his home.
But spending time with him made her forget about the world outside. It was a little bubble where there were just the two of them, for an hour, then an hour and a half, then two hours, and Shawna slowly drew him out of his shell, though he still didn’t talk about his own past.
“So, when do you plan to retire?”
The question made him draw his eyebrows together in a frown.
“Retire?”
Shawna gestured, indicating everything, and said, “You know, so that you can actually enjoy all of the things you have. All the money you’ve made.”
“What would I do after I retire?”
Was he teasing her?
It sounded like a serious question.
She decided to take it seriously, anyway.
“Whatever makes you happy, of course. Become an oyster hunter.”
Elijah sat back, obviously amused.
The meal was long since done, and they were dawdling over their wine, reluctant to let their time together end, but neither admitting that.
“What’s an oyster hunter?”
“Somebody who hunts oysters because they’re very bad at hunting but good at diving, of course.”
Elijah chuckled.
“Of course, it’s obvious. I should’ve known.”
Shawna nodded, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from chuckling.
“Well, that’s one option I hadn’t considered, but I’m not very good at diving.”
“There, then you could retire and learn how to dive. You might love it.”
“Do you like it?”
Shawna grinned sheepishly.
“Wouldn’t know. Never tried it. I learned to swim, pretty late, when Layla was little. Layla took to the water like a fish, but I wasn’t quite so graceful. I probably won’t drown, though. But I’ve never been in water other than a pool, so I can’t be completely certain about it.”
“Never been to the beach?”
Elijah sounded shocked.
Shawna laughed.
“Of course I have. But I would just splash and wade around. I’ve never actually walked in deep enough to need to swim. I don’t think I could.”
“Maybe…”
He trailed off, and Shawna wondered what he’d been about to say.
The next week seemed to fly by, and before she knew it, she was looking forward to Sunday dinner again. She didn’t even know what she ate anymore – it was more about the time she spent with Elijah, watching him become a warm person instead of the stern man who seemed to be hewn from stone. But talking about Ryan, or his own life – that was still out of bounds.
Shawna told herself it wasn’t her place.
She was just an employee.
She was nothing more to him.
But it was difficult to wonder. And not to wish, because she was finding it all too easy to open up to him. She knew she shouldn’t, but there was something about those hours that made her feel as if they were her escape.
She loved her life.
But it was nice to just be her, for a while – just her, without her cares.
Shawna had given up trying to pretend to herself that she didn’t turn around when she left. She always did, and she knew that he watched her drive away.
It was a bit like being in a limbo. She knew that nothing would happen, but she had to admit that she wasn’t just attracted to him now – she was also intrigued by him, and she wanted to know more about him.
So, when, on her seventh Sunday, nobody was there to ask her if she was ready for dinner with Elijah, she was surprised.
Shawna considered, for a moment, checking her watch and glancing at Ryan, who was trying to play through the tune without mistakes.
Usually, Elizabeth turned up by seven, and took care of Ryan.
She waited ten more minutes before giving up.
“Ryan, could you show me where the kitchen is?”
Ryan looked up, and smiled.
He smiled a lot more now.
He didn’t look so serious anymore, either.
“This way,” he chirped, and scampered out, holding on to Shawna’s hand.
Shawna let him lead her to the kitchen, which made her pause in her steps a bit.
It was huge, and looked like something that an executive chef at a restaurant would sigh over. And, very noticeably, there was nobody cooking in there.
She opened the quadruple-door fridge, and found that there were enough leftovers to feed an army. There was definitely enough for a little boy.
“So, do you feel like a chicken salad sandwich for dinner?”
“Yes!”
Shawna quickly put the sandwich together, and sat with Ryan as he, comfortable in the kitchen, sat at the table and ate it ravenously.
“Now, bed time for you,” declared Shawna, wondering where everybody was. There was no sign of Mr. Smith, Elizabeth, or anybody else.
Shawna managed to get Ryan through his bath – not a hardship, since they were both delighted with his floating trucks and fire engines – and supervised as he brushed his teeth himself, very proudly.
Shawna checked his teeth and, feeling as if this was oddly very easy and not odd at all, put him to bed. She read him a story – from his book of fantasy for children, which seemed a little scary to Shawna – and finally, leaving the nightlight on, she went to find Elijah, feeling more than a little angry.
She didn’t mind taking care of Ryan for an evening. Ryan was a pleasure to be with. But she did mind having it sprung on her with no warning, and being left to figure it all out herself.
What if she hadn’t been inclined to stick around and figure out if there was somebody to take care of him?
What if she had needed to go home?
What if she simply hadn’t wanted to do all of it?
It was irresponsible and unconscionable.
Seething, full of righteous indignation, Shawna stalked her way over to the modern wing, getting lost twice and getting more aggravated with every second.
She made it to the door, and before she could let her anger fade and become trepidation, she rapped smartly on the dark paneling of the door.
She waited fifteen seconds, and there was no answer.
Cold dread started creeping up her, from her toes, threatening to permeate through her entire body.
What if he wasn’t there, too?
What if something unspeakable had happened? What if they were all dead?
What was she supposed to do?
No, she was letting her imagination run wild.
That couldn’t have happened. Things like that didn’t happen.
Did they?
They did.
She knew they did.
They had happened to her and Layla.
This time, when she rapped her knuckles on the door, it was a lot more urgent.
“Come in!”
Well, she would’ve recognized that voice anywhere.
Elijah, at any rate, was home.
Angrily, she twisted the handle of the door and opened it, stepping inside and marching over to the little alcove that she had come to cherish so fondly, and stopped short.
Elijah was there, all right.
He was there, with a bottle of whiskey that had about a third left, one glass held in his hand, looking…
Somehow, despite ample evidence that he was definitely drunk, or doing an excellent job of trying, he looked incredible.
The top two shirt buttons were undone, showing just enough tanned, toned chest to make her swallow almost audibly. His legs, long and muscled, were covered in perfectly tailored trousers. He sat in one of the comfortable chairs at which they had their customary glass of wine while waiting for dinner, with one leg stretched out looking bored out of his mind.
His hair was just a little mussed, and she had to physically stop herself from walking over to him and mussing it up some more by running her fingers through it.
His eyes…
When he looked up at her, she saw such sadness in them that everything else melted away. All she wanted was to make him smile again, tell him a tale from her childhood that would make him chuckle and look almost happy.
Had she ever seen him look truly happy?
Shawna didn’t think she had.
“Ah, Shawna. Right on time. Tonight, we’re dining on single malt. I hope that meets with your approval and you have no allergies.”
The words were just a little bit slurred, but it just sounded like a drawl. She wouldn’t have known he was drunk if she hadn’t been looking at the evidence of it with her own eyes.
“Elijah, I think you need to get to bed,” said Shawna, briskly.
“Ah, lovely Shawna. Will you tuck me in, then?”
Even in that state, he managed to put a leer into the words.
“That’s about all you’re fit to have done with you tonight.”
Shawna didn’t know where the words came from, but they made Elijah consider her gravely and nod.
“You might very well be right. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you in that department. Or in any others. Shawna, I want you to think well of me. I want you to like me. But do you know what happens when I let myself like somebody? When I let them get close? I turn everything to ashes. I destroy everything I care about. That’s all I can do.”
Shawna shivered at his words.
“You’re just rambling, Elijah. Come on, then, let me get you into bed and tuck you in. Where’s Mr. Smith?”
“On his day off. I gave everybody the day off. Wanted to be alone today. But didn’t give you the day off.”
He’d given everybody the day off, without even considering his child?
Shawna was angry.
“You came for… for nothing. The boy, he’s with his grandparents.”
Shawna stopped short, midstep.
“What?”
“His grandparents take him today. Every year, they take him today.”
He was already pretty much on the verge of passing out.
“What’s today?”
“Today. Today, the day everything went to hell. The day I destroyed everything. The day my life stopped, my heart stopped, but I had to go on living. I had to wake up, and walk, and talk, and pretend that anything mattered. Nothing matters. Nothing matters after today.”
“Elijah, what’re you talking about?”
“What?”
He was definitely going to pass out.
Shawna quickly opened the door next to the alcove and saw, as she suspected, that there was a bedroom there. It was competent and elegant, and not very big – obviously, it was where he slept after working late, when it didn’t seem like it was worth the trouble to go all the way to his bedroom to get some rest.
“Come on, let’s get you in bed. It’s going to be fine. Let’s take care of you, shall we?”
Shawna pulled him to his feet, slipped an arm around his waist, and nearly stumbled as he leaned on her.
“Oh man, you’re heavy. All right, Elijah, a little help here. One foot in front of the other. You’ve been doing it a long time, you can do it again.”
She managed to get him to the bed, and helped him lie down. She considered, then pulled his shoes and socks off, then thought about it for a moment and undid the buckle and pulled his belt off.
It was uncomfortable to sleep with a buckle digging into you. He was going to regret it the next morning, but he might as well be comfortable until then.
She pulled the covers over him, found the bathroom and got a bottle of water, and a couple of aspirin tablets to place by his bedside.
She grinned as she tucked him in.
Both father and son, in one day. In sleep, she could see the resemblance. Elijah’s face softened in sleep, and Ryan’s chin and nose would be like his father’s when he was older.
Hopefully, Ryan would smile a lot more.
Shawna was tiptoeing out, when she felt the grip on her fingers.
“Stay.”
It was just one word.
She could’ve said no.
He didn’t say anything more, and he looked like he’d fallen back asleep already.
She could leave.
He probably wouldn’t remember a thing.
What was the point of staying?
But he had asked, and there had been something so vulnerable and young in his voice as he did.
She’d never heard that tone before, not from Elijah Rogers.
How could she not stay?
Shawna sighed, and considered.
She couldn’t sleep in the same bed as the man. That would be grossly inappropriate.
Making up her mind, she walked out, got the comfortable chair in which he’d been getting drunk – and put the bottle away, and rinsed the glass out, while she was at it – and dragged it into the bedroom, making as little noise as she could.
Thanking her stars that she was wearing a very comfortable shirt and loose pants, she found a blanket in the cupboard, and settled down in the chair.
But she didn’t sleep for a long time.
She watched Elijah sleep, open and sweet, for a long time.