Chapter 14
The drive to the hospital takes forever and all I can think about is granda lying there, helpless. The guilt of not going to see him earlier this morning plays on my mind as I press my foot down a little harder on the accelerator. The roads are busier than when I left, and I curse and swear for other drivers to move out of the way.
The dark clouds shift to reveal a thin trickle of sunlight. A bitter wind still blows, and I turn up the heating—just a notch. I can’t get there fast enough, and I arrive at the hospital within half an hour of receiving Jamie’s text. I head for the visitor’s carpark and grab a ticket, flinging it carelessly into my handbag, then hurry through the automatic doors and head straight for the lift. The hospital is buzzing with everyday dramas. The infirm and the elderly are being pushed around in wheelchairs and porters scurry about with empty lunch trolley’s.
I press the button that will take me to the second floor, my heart pounding like a drum, convinced they’ll have me attached to a heart monitor the second I enter ITU. Then the doors open and I hurry along the corridor, my eyes searching for a member of staff who can help me. I head for the nurses’ station and am relieved to see the ward manager sitting at the desk, filling in paperwork.
She glances up and gives me a hesitant smile when our eyes meet.
“Oh, Mrs McKinley; please go on through. Your husband’s already at your grandfather’s bedside.” The pressure in my chest tightens. It all now feels so real, as if I’ve fallen from one of those high-limbed apple trees I’ve seen growing close to the farm. I can’t bring myself to ask the question that’s perched on the edge of my tongue, too busy fighting the bile that’s rising into my throat, and so I hurry on past.
The curtains around Alasdair’s bed are closed, and I stop dead in my tracks, rooted to the spot as the room takes a slow, sickening spin. I cannot move and my vision blurs.
Then there’s the swoosh of curtains being flung back and I see Jamie, not Callum, standing there. My eyes flit from his face to granda’s, and I let out a heart-wrenching cry and run over to the bed. Alasdair is sitting up, sipping water from a beaker.
“You’re all right,” I cry, astounded, and reach out for his hand. His calloused fingers are warm to the touch and there’s colour in his cheeks. “You had us all worried,” I chastise, and his fingers tighten around mine.
“Aye, lassie. Well, I’m a bit weak after my ordeal, but I’m not ready to meet my maker just yet.”
I glance over at Jamie, but he won’t look at me. “Could I have a word with you, please? Alone,” and Jamie finally turns towards me and I can see the hurt, the fear, that flickers behind his eyes.
“Aye, but you’d best be quick. I’ve got to get back. I’ve work to do.”
I bend over and peck Alasdair on the cheek. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back in five,” I promise.
Jamie and I both head over to the relatives’ room and I go and stand by the small sliver of glass they call a window, peering in. The place is empty, so I pull at the door handle and make my way inside.
“Close the door behind you,” I say as Jamie enters, my back still to him.
I hear the click of the latch, and when I turn, Jamie’s only inches from me. His shoulders are hunched and the light in his eyes has diminished.
“What you did was wrong,” I say.
He looks up at me then, his eyes wide with alarm.
“How many times do I have to tell ye? I dinnae do anything,” he protests before letting out a deep sigh and dropping into one of the plastic chairs. “Callum kept on and on at me, begging and pleading, until I lost my resolve. I could see how much a bairn meant to ye, and after what ye told me, and seeing ye with Findlay, I couldnae deny ye a chance to be a mother.”
“But the implications… If you’d gone through with it, it would have been classed as ra—”
“Aye, I realise that now, but I dinnae at the time. All I wanted was to help ye.”
“What? By pretending to be my husband? By taking advantage of me and having sex without my knowledge?”
Jamie’s voice starts to rise. “You’re making it sound sordid. What I was willing to do was out of love for ye both, not through some depravity on my part.”
“And I’m supposed to thank you for trying to deceive me?”
Jamie jumps to his feet and takes a bold step closer, his face now inches away from my own.
“I told ye I couldnae go through with it. Seeing ye lying there, ye looked beautiful and seductive, yet I wanted more. I wanted ye desperately, Maddie, but I also needed ye to give yourself to me willingly.”
“So, you think I should just swoon at your feet and forget the whole thing because you had my best interest at heart? Is that it?”
“Nah, of course not. But what I am asking for is yir forgiveness. I’m sorry, Maddie; truly. I ne’er meant to hurt ye. I know how much ye want a family and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could give ye what ye desired.”
I bite my lip.
“And giving me a child was your sole driving force, the only reason you were willing to go ahead with Callum’s ridiculous plan?”
“Aye, I somehow got sucked in. I guess losing Claire and having no family of my own made me realise what it’s like to live a half-life. To just exist.”
I stare into his eyes. They’re open and honest and I can’t be angry with him a moment longer. My fury deflates and Bridget’s voice rings loudly in my ears: “Whatever mistakes Jamie’s made, they were all for you. Because he loves you”.
I take a deep breath. “All right, I forgive you,” I whisper, and he lets out a cry and sweeps me into his arms. His lips crush down on mine and his body presses ever closer. I sense his hunger and suffer a moment of longing, wanting to be devoured by him.
“I love ye, Maddie,” he breathes in my ear, and a delicious tingle fills the pit of my stomach.
“And I you,” I say, and he smiles for the first time. His mouth searches out mine once again and my body relaxes, wrapped securely in his arms. When he pulls away, his eyes are smouldering with passion.
“I think we should stop before we get carried away,” he whispers. “Perhaps we can continue tonight, when ye come home.”
I nod and touch my swollen lips with my fingertips.
“Yes,” I say, “we’ve lots of catching up to do, but let’s get back to reality for a while. I’m just so relieved granda’s alive and well.”
Jamie nods. “Aye, the nurse said he’s out of immediate danger, but that it’ll take a fair wee while for him to fully recover.”
“I’m not going anywhere until he’s permanently back on his feet,” I announce, and Jamie breaks into a grin, then grabs my hand and kisses my fingers.
“Ye dinnae ken how happy that makes me to hear ye say so,” he says.
I smile as he lets go of my hand, and as he opens the door, I realise a new chapter in my life is about to begin.
“I’ll walk to the main doors with you,” I say to him as he waits just beyond the door, but as I go out into the corridor, I see the ward manager. “I’ll be right back in a few minutes,” I say to her, and she smiles, then Jamie grabs my hand once again, squeezing my fingers.
We’re just approaching the lift when its doors start to open, then I jerk back when Callum steps out. I’m riveted to the spot and automatically let go of Jamie’s hand. But there’s someone standing behind Callum, and to my horror, Ally steps out, a smartly dressed little boy at her side, and my legs start to shake.
“What are ye doing bringing her here?” Jamie roars, his voice filled with disgust. “Granda isnae fit for any shocks just yet. His heart cannae take it.”
Callum switches his gaze from Jamie to me, then back to his brother, his eyes hard, like pieces of flint, his mouth drawn to a tight thin line.
“Don’t worry yourselves,” he says, “my family will wait in the relatives’ room,” at which my heart contracts, and for a second I fear I’m going to be physically sick. I stare down at the beautiful child holding tightly to his mother’s hand. He’s just as I imagined. Those luscious thick curls and big sea-green eyes make him Callum’s double.
When I realise I’m becoming light-headed, I take a deep breath. “I think I need some air,” I tell Jamie.
“Then let’s go,” he says, and slips his arm around my waist, guiding me into the lift.
“That man looks just like daddy,” Isaac says as we walk past.
“Hmm, that’s your Uncle James,” Ally tells the boy.
“And who’s the pretty lady?” Isaac goes on to ask, pulling at her hand.
Ally turns to face me just as the lift doors start to close. “She’s no one important, sweetie,” and her lips spread into a triumphant smile.
***
I wait in the car until Callum leaves. I still want to see granda, and Jamie’s had to go, to get back to work. I let out a sigh. The thought of being in the same room as Callum, or breathing the same air as him, turns my stomach. I’ve heard about men like Callum, leading double lives, but I never thought it possible. Yet not a million miles away is a man who proved me wrong.
I glance at the clock, then stare out of the windscreen to spot Callum and Ally walking out of the main entrance. My gut tightens and I feel a vein throb in my temple. Isaac’s in Callum’s arms and they’re both laughing, clearly enjoying father-and-son time together. The little boy wriggles in Callum’s embrace and there’s a light step to his walk, almost on tiptoes. Their laughter is carried to me by the wind and I can see the bond they share, a closeness I can only dream of.
A stab of jealousy pierces through my heart, sharper than any blade. I try to keep a tight lid on my emotions as I watch Callum have the life he once promised me. My eyes switch to Ally. Her hair is loose, her fingers entwined with his. They look every inch the happy couple and I close my eyes and push the tears away.
Did I truly love him? I wonder. Yes, for a while, I guess.
They all get into Ally’s white 4 x 4 and I slide down my seat as they head for the exit.
I wait a few minutes, check my rear-view mirror to ensure they’ve left, and then head back inside to see granda.
As I step out of the lift and into the corridor, I put on a painted smile. I nod to the nurse at the nurses’ station, realising it’s no longer the ward manager, then hurry over to granda’s bed. His eyes are closed and I fear he’s sleeping, but when I turn to leave, to creep away, his dulcet tone stops me.
“If ye think ye were only gone five minutes, ye need to buy a new watch,” he says, sarcastically.
I spin on my heels, a genuine grin spread across my lips.
“Sorry, Alasdair; I got slightly waylaid.”
“Ye dinnae say, lass. What’s going on between ye and Callum? He came here with a face like a smacked arse.”
I find it hard to swallow as I move closer to the bed and pull up a chair and sit down. “What do you mean?”
Granda lets out a deep sigh. “I maybe old, lass, but I’m not senile. Things havenae been right between ye two since ye got here. I can always tell when people are unhappy together.”
“Listen. You’re not to worry about us,” I say, picking up the beaker from the table and holding it to his lips. “Here, drink some of this.”
He gently pushes my hand away. “Have ye two reached the point of nae return?”
I lower my gaze, placing the beaker back onto its resting place, struggling to find the right words. “Kind of…I guess.”
He draws a long breath. “I cannae say I’m surprised. He was ne’er the right man for ye, in my opinion. He’s always been too self-centred.”
I blink several times, unable to digest what Alasdair has just said. “Granda! Why would you say such a thing?”
“Because it’s the truth, hen.”
“Then I may as well tell you he’s moving in with Ally.”
“The vet?” He shakes his head and tuts. “That dinnae take long.”
“I didn’t want to say anything, not with you being so ill.”
He shakes his head again and his veined blue fingers reach out to pat my hand. “I don’t need sheltering from his seedy escapades, and besides, I had a hunch he was up to no guid long before today.”
I stare into his watery grey eyes. “You were not to know he’s been seeing someone else.”
He pulls his lips into a grimace. “Although it saddens me to say it: best let him go, lass.”
“How do you know it’s the right thing to do?”
His fingers tighten around mine. “Because my màthair always told me: ne’er settle for second best. If ye do, you’ll ne’er find yir true soulmate.”
Footsteps come from behind me and I glance over my shoulder to see a staff nurse approaching.
“It’s time Mr McKinley got some rest,” she says. “I’m afraid visiting time is over.”
I automatically let go of Alasdair’s hand, stand up and go to plant a kiss on his cheek. His arms reach out and he wraps them around me, pulling me close.
“Just be happy,” he says in my ear, and when I pull away, he grabs my hand. “Ye only have one wee life, lassie, so live it to the full.”
***
I arrive back at the farm as darkness is descending, get out of the car and head towards the farmhouse. The downstairs lights are on and there’s a golden glow illuminating the frost covered windows.
I pause outside the front door, aware there’s a man inside who truly loves me. I smile to myself, happy and contented for the first time in a long time. Jamie is all the man I need. I think about that gleam in his eye and the way his arm curls around my waist and pulls me close, his warm breath on my cheek.
I loved Callum, truly I did. We had such hopes and dreams together; the flower shop, his great job, the hope of a better life for our children. But I chose to ignore the warning signs, to overlook his mood swings and his nights away, believing I simply wasn’t enough for him. Never for one second did I think it was something in his past.
My fingers tighten around the handle and I push the door wide. , and my lips spread into a grin. Hetty’s clearly been here while I was away and brought the weekly supplies.
I take off my coat and hang it on the hook next to Jamie’s, and my fingers touch one of the sleeves. It’s the same coat he wore when he came to my rescue. I take off my boots and drop them noisily to the floor.
“What took ye so long?” Jamie calls out, and I follow his voice towards the kitchen. Pushing the door ajar, I see there are candles on the table, along with a small vase of red and white roses adorning its centre.
“What’s all this?” I ask in surprise.
Jamie’s standing by the stove, a pair of tatty old mitts in his hands.
“I thought I’d cook for ye,” and he opens the oven door and pulls out a brown pot covered with shortcrust pastry.
“What? You’ve made it yourself?” and I try to mask my amazement.
He hurries over to the table, placing the pie on a large serving mat.
“Aye, and dinnae look astounded. Hetty’s not the only one who can produce a meal from scratch.” He dashes back to the stove and takes out two more dishes, this time filled with roast potatoes, broccoli and buttered carrots.
“Best wash yir hands quickly, so this lot doesnae get cold,” he urges.
I hurry over to the stone sink and wash and dry my hands on a small threadbare towel. Placing it back on the rail, I turn to see that Jamie’s already seated at the table, pouring white wine.
I walk over and take a seat.
“The food looks scrumptious,” I say, placing a napkin across my knee. Jamie’s sitting next to me, and he picks up his wine glass and makes a toast.
“To new beginnings,” he says, and I lift my glass to his.
“To new beginnings, and to us,” I rejoin, and our glasses chink together. I take a sip then place my glass down onto the table. Jamie offers up a piece of venison pie.
“Help yourself to the vegetables,” he says, and pushes the dishes towards me.
I smile. Being with Jamie feels so natural. Any shyness I may have felt vanished long ago. I’m relaxed for the first time in years and stare at him, as though seeing him for the first time. Twisting flames from the fire send flickers of bright orange light to dance upon his skin, his angular jaw now less prominent in the candlelight. He looks devilishly handsome sitting there in his open neck shirt. I stare at his throat and then towards his plump moist lips, at which I start to tingle all over. I lick my own lips, no longer tempted by the food.
“Jamie…”
His eyes catch mine and they widen as he reads the message written there. He leans forward, takes my hand and presses butterfly kisses to the tips of my fingers.
A slow burn ignites in the pit of my stomach and I look back at him with the same intensity. He rises and gently pulls me towards him, his hands then sliding across my shoulders and up behind my neck. And as his fingers entwine in my hair, I close my eyes.
His body shifts closer to mine and my heart flutters, my mind spinning when his lips touch mine. His tongue slips into my mouth and he tastes so good, like sherbet lemon mixed with wine. When he pulls away, my eyes shoot open and he guides me closer to the fire.
“I want ye so badly, my balls ache,” he says, huskily, and I giggle, not too sure whether I should be flattered or insulted.
The flickering flames warm our bodies as we stare at each other for an age. I don’t move, and neither does he, both lost to one another, and it’s sublimely divine. Jamie’s hands snake under my jumper and I feel his fingers slide against my skin. He bows his head and his kisses are no longer tender but filled with longing. I let out a low moan as my own passion mounts, and he lifts the jumper over my head, unhooking my bra.
Urgently, I unbutton his shirt and he throws it to the floor, quickly taking off his trousers as I unzip my jeans and pull my bare legs free. I lie naked on the rug as the sound of the fire snaps and crackles around us, then Jamie kneels and his arms stretch out beside me. With such tenderness, he leans forward and gently lies on top of me. As the flamelight flit across his face, I trace my fingers along his shoulders, sending ghostly shadows dancing across the walls. He has become my sun, my moon and stars—my everything.
Stroking my hair, Jamie rasps “Maddie,” my name magic on his lips.
“Yes,” I whisper, “what is it?”
“Are ye willin’ to have my bairns?”
“Bairns? That’s plural?” I gasp between hot kisses.
“Aye, well, I want at least four.”
My breath quickens as he angles himself over me, his body resting on mine, the pressure too delicious to bear.
“I’ll have as many as you’re willing to give me,” I say with tenderness, and he kisses me again as we move together as one, the heat from his body seeping into me, and I let out yet another low moan.
“I love you,” I say softly.
“And I, ye,” he breathes, lifting his hand so I can take it. “I’ll ne’er let ye go,” he whispers in my ear, and I pull him closer, wrapping my legs around him, contented he’s mine forever.
He lets out a groan and his body shudders then relaxes, his back now covered in sweat, and presently he looks down at me, his eyes soft, and I kiss him warmly and smile.
“Our first child will be a boy,” I say. “And we’ll name him Alasdair James McKinley.”