Chapter 5
Jamie
I watch Maddie leave the kitchen. I don’t know all the ins-and-outs of what’s going on between her and Callum, but I sense it’s bad. As his brother, I want to help, to reach out to them both, but he’s closed that door between us, made it clear I have no right to interfere between husband and wife. He’s always been a stubborn bastard, the one who slaps the hand of friendship away. If he wasn’t my kin, we would have parted ways many years ago.
I let out a deep sigh, for all I can see is a man drowning in his own misery.
“Is there any more whisky?” Callum asks, breaking my train of thought.
I reach straight into my pocket and pull out the flask. The metal feels cool around my fingers and I quickly unscrew the cap and pour a stream of golden liquid into his cup.
“Will that do for ye?” I say with a forced smile, but Callum’s expression stays sombre. He takes a large mouthful and then hesitates before downing the rest. I watch him swallow.
“So, ye dinnae know Ally was thinking of coming back, then?” I ask.
He shakes his head then slams the empty cup onto the table.
“No, and why should I? What she does with her life is none of my business.”
I nod and replace the flask back into my pocket.
“Och, I was just asking.”
“Well, I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”
My gaze doesn’t waver, staying direct. “So, maybe you’re the reason why she left in the first place?” at which he balls his hands into fists.
“I have no idea; I was never her keeper. It’s her life and she can do what she likes with it.” He glances down at his watch. “No offence, but I think I’ll skip dinner tonight, maybe take the Range Rover into town.”
“You mean go to the pub?”
“Yeah, why not. It beats sitting around here all evening.”
Alasdair comes and sits beside him.
“What’s eating ye up, boy? What’s wrong? Somehow, you’ve changed.”
I switch my gaze to Alasdair, then back to my brother. I want to urge him to answer, but push him too hard and he’ll do the complete opposite. I can see he’s struggling with his emotions, but he’s tenacious and holds everything inside, just like always.
I’m taken by surprise when he jumps to his feet.
“Nothing’s wrong, granda,” he declares, defensively. “Why can’t you just leave it alone, eh?”
I rise to my feet. “Hey, take it easy and calm down. There’s no need to lose yir temper. If ye so desperate to get out of here, I’ll drive ye myself.”
His glower is one that would have suggested guilt had I not known him all my life. As I watch him closely, his glare slides without effort into a sulk. He turns towards me. “Come on, then, drink up and let’s go.”
“But what about Maddie? You’re not going to go without telling her, are ye?”
Callum doesn’t reply; he’s already halfway out of the door.
“Cal, wait,” I cry, and hurry on after him.
By the time I catch up, he’s standing by the Range Rover. I have the car keys in my hand and the doors are unlocked.
“Are ye sure ye don’t wannae tell Maddie where you’re going?” I ask, glancing towards the cottage.
He shrugs. “No, granda can have that privilege,” and he opens the passenger door and climbs inside. I feel like shit taking him to the pub without Maddie’s knowledge, but I’m aware that if I don’t, he’ll drive himself, anyway. I’ve seen my brother fall into a drunken rage on many an occasion. Although he’s been a different man since he met Maddie, I sense the demon is pushing its way back to the surface once again. I’ve no wish to witness that side of him, so I’ll do everything in my power to avert the violent monster from showing its face.
I make my way to the driver’s side, and even before I turn on the engine, Callum’s urging me to put my foot down.
“What’s making ye so edgy tonight?” I ask.
“Nothing; I just need a change of scenery.”
“We don’t have to go to Camburgh for that. We could easily go for a walk if that’s all you’re after.”
“Just drive,” Callum snaps, “or I will.”
I push the Range Rover on down the narrow country lanes, not slowing until we reach the outskirts of Camburgh. In the distance, a floodlit medieval church appears on the horizon. The sight of it still fills me with awe, even at this distance. The gothic style building is a sanctuary to many who use it, its two stone turrets rising either side of a magnificent stained-glass window in its eastern front. There’s also a cross chiselled from a single piece of stone that stands between the two turrets. The whole edifice looks formidable, a beacon of hope for many perhaps, yet inside my head I simply pray there’ll be no trouble this night.
I watch my brother out of the corner of my eye. His face is tense and his jaw twitches. I try to think of something funny to say that might bring him out of his dark mood.
“Do ye remember the time when we were coming back from town and McDougal’s prize cow chased us up this hill? We both near pissed our pants.”
My ploy fails. Callum doesn’t crack a smile.
“Save it for the old man,” he says, glancing over. “I’m not in the mood for reliving the good old days.”
I shake my head, exasperated. Sometimes, there’s just no talking to the stubborn wee fool.
I park up in the market square and Callum is halfway across the road by the time I step out of the car. The old church bell chimes the hour and I think of Maddie coming down to dinner only to learn her husband has left her for a night of binge drinking. I hurry to catch up with my brother, even though I know where he’s heading; there’s only one pub in town and it’s busy there every night of the week.
Callum opens the door to the Scran and Sleekit and I’m right at his heels. High-pitched laughter and the smell of stale beer hits my senses the second I’m inside, where I follow Callum straight to the bar.
The pub is made from local stone, the dark wooden beams above my head having been in place for centuries. It has a rustic feel and lots of charm. The soft furnishings are dressed in tartan and tweed, and a pair of antlers hang on the wall. I spot a half-dozen watercolours of Bonnie Prince Charlie with the Jacobite rebels, fighting the English. Their red and black uniforms are a vivid contrast to the wishy-washy pale-cream walls.
There isn’t a single person here who doesn’t know me and my brother. It’s a small community and identical twins are a rarity. I nod and smile at the many familiar faces, some of whom I went to school with, whilst others are farmers, enjoying a quiet drink with their wives.
The barman comes over and shakes Callum’s hand.
“What are ye doing here, Callum; I haven’t seen ye for ages?”
It’s clear Callum hasn’t come here for pleasantries; a quick hello and he’s ordering a beer for himself and a pint of Coke for me.
There’s an empty table in the far corner, close by a wood burning stove, which, considering it’s a damn cold evening, is a boon. Callum hands me my drink and I nod for him to follow. We make our way over and I take off my coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. Callum sits on a stool beside me, soon closing his eyes and taking several long swigs of his pint.
“Ah, that tastes good,” he says, and before I can reply, he’s off to the bar for another.
He returns with two whisky chasers.
“Hey, slow down,” I hiss, “the bar doesnae close ’til eleven.”
Callum grins for the first time since we arrived.
“Chill out. I’m just catching up on lost time. I’ll not be downing these so quickly, so stop your haverings.”
He slips a whisky into his drink and my earlier worry about him comes rushing back. I needn’t have worried, though, and much to my surprise, Callum behaves himself. After he’s downed both chasers, he chills out and begins to socialise, mingling with the locals and greeting his old pals from school with genuine warmth, quickly becoming the Callum everyone remembers.
Eventually, he comes back to the table, where I’m still sipping my Coke, now swaying, his mood clearly having turned melancholic. He stumbles as he sits beside me, spilling his beer all over the table.
“Easy, Cal,” I say, mopping up the mess with a couple of beer mats.
He laughs and slides what’s left of the spilt beer into his glass with the side of his hand.
“Not to worry, I’m not about to waste a single drop,” he chuckles into his glass.
“I think you’ve had enough for one night. God knows what Maddie’s going to say.”
The mere mention of Maddie’s name wipes the smile off his face, the expression that replaces it shocks me. There’s a wretchedness to him now that I’ve never seen before.
I reach out my hand and squeeze his wrist.
“What is it?” I ask, and when he doesn’t speak, I add: “For Christ’s sake, Callum, and for once in your life, talk to me.”
He lifts his head and turns towards me, his eyes shining like glass, filled with unshed tears, and my heart lunges in my chest. Whatever it is, it’s tearing him apart.
“Please, let me try to help,” I beg. “If only ye would confide in me.”
Callum takes a deep breath and I find I’m holding my own. Then he looks me straight in the eye, and I know he’s going to tell me the crux of his despair.
“The truth is,” he says, so quietly I find myself moving closer to hear him, “I can’t give her what she wants,” and he looks down at his beer.
“What do ye mean?”
“A baby; I can’t give Maddie a baby.”
I struggle to find the right words. Callum said they were having problems conceiving, but so do many couples.
“Everyone knows it takes time,” I say, trying to sound supportive. “Sometimes it takes years. Ye just have to keep on trying.”
He looks back at me, a single tear trickling down his cheek.
“You don’t understand. I’ve had tests. They say I’m infertile.”
I’m stunned. Words fail me and I catch my breath, trying to think of something positive to say, but I can’t. I never knew. None of us did.
“I’m so sorry, Cal.” My mind scrambles for something else to say, the words having spilled from my mouth before I had time to think, but Callum gives a bitter laugh.
“I don’t want your sympathy; I just want to get my wife pregnant.”
I try to think on my feet. “What about…adoption? Surely that’s another option?”
Callum shakes his head. “Maddie tried to persuade me. Said if we were able to adopt a baby then we could bring it up as our own.” He places his elbows on the table and inches closer. He reminds me of a spy who’s about to divulge top-secret information.
“But it wouldn’t be mine. Every moment of every day, I’d be reminded that I couldn’t father a child with her.”
“But ye cannae think like that,” I burst out. “If ye do, it’ll ruin yir life.”
Callum lets out a forced laugh and I realise it’s too late, he’s already destroyed inside.
“Wise words,” he states, flatly. “However, the bottom line is that I don’t want a kid that’s not mine.”
“What, not even a sperm donor? I hear they’re very successful. I dinnae know all the facts, but don’t they try to get the best match they can. Use someone who has yir hair and eye colour, even yir build?”
He lifts the pint glass to his lips but stops halfway. “What, like a twin?”
“Ach, away with ye,” and I attempt a smile. “Now, I dinnae say that.”
A shudder sweeps down my spine and alarm bells ring inside my head. I’m aware it’s just the beer talking, but I’m wary all the same. I glance up and Callum’s eyes are suddenly clear. The tears have all gone and his expression has completely changed.
“You could be the one, Jamie. Me and you: we’re the same person, split from the same egg. If you got Maddie pregnant, technically it would be the same as if I’d fathered the child.”
“Stop talking out of yir arse,” I object. “Whatever you’re thinking, it stops right nah. I cannae sleep with yir wife. Are ye mad? And besides, I wouldnae do something like that. It’s wrong and I couldnae live with myself afterwards.”
But Callum isn’t listening.
“Please, Jamie, do this one thing for me, for Maddie. All she wants is a child of her own. If it was you who got her pregnant, it would be as if I had done it. Can’t you see the gift you would give us both.”
I want to help, but what he’s asking is beyond my own ethics, beyond my comprehension.
“Och, maybe ye should talk to Maddie first; see what she thinks.”
Callum shakes his head vigorously.
“No, we can’t tell her. She’d go ballistic. Even if she wanted to go through with it, she’d deny herself because she wouldn’t wish to betray me. She’s an old-fashioned girl with old-fashioned values. Even if she had the chance she wouldn’t take it, because of me.”
I sigh with relief.
“So, she would ne’er agree?”
Callum brings his hand close to his head and clicks his fingers.
“Wait; I have an idea. Didn’t I hear something earlier about a quiz night here on Wednesday night?”
“Aye, ye did.”
“Perfect. Then we’ll bring Maddie along.”
I feel my eyebrows knit together. “I’ve already invited her, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“It’s simple. She wouldn’t sleep with you knowingly, but…if we get her drunk enough, she wouldn’t know the difference and we could swap places for the night.”
I jump to my feet. I’ve heard enough.
“I’ll nae be part of no such thing, do ye hear?” I hiss at my brother. “I’m sorry ye cannae have any kin of yir own, but this is wrong on so many levels.”
I grab my coat from the back of the chair and storm out of the pub. All I can see is a haze of red around my eyes. How could Callum ask me to do such a despicable thing to the woman he loves?
“Jamie, wait,” Callum shouts after me as I head for the car, but I ignore him. I’m angry and hurt that he’d ask me to do something so appalling, so unforgivable, but then heavy footsteps come up behind me and strong hands grip my shoulders.
I spin around and glare at my drunken brother.
“Enough,” I cry. “You’ve crossed the line and dinnae ken what you’re saying.”
I march back to the car and fling open the driver’s door and jump inside. Callum chases after me.
“Jamie, please. Just hear me out.”
I start the engine and thrust it into first gear, but then turn and face him.
“Either ye shut up about me getting Maddie pregnant or ye can find another way to get home.” He hesitates, but then climbs inside.
I drive like a madman, unable to think of anything except what my brother has had the audacity to ask of me, until I take a bend a little too sharply and almost lose control.
“For Christ’s sake, take it easy,” Callum cries, but I can’t. I glare at him and press the pedal even harder as I look back at the road, barely focused on what’s in front of me, miles away inside my own head. Inwardly, I curse my brother over and over as my anger simmers within me. I’m barely in control and I’ve a real fight on my hands.
By some miracle, we make it home in one piece. I drive through the gates, break sharply and kill the engine. Without a backward glance, I head straight for the farmhouse. Alasdair has left the downstairs lights on, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I look down at my watch: it’s eleven-fifteen. I guess he’s in bed, and Maddie, too.
I make my way towards the study, where there’s a full decanter of whisky, for I now badly need a drink. I open the door and switch on the light. The room smells musty, of old books and cigars, and I head straight over to the oval bar server and pour myself a stiff drink, knocking back the golden liquid in one shot. It burns my throat, but I quickly pour another.
The door creaks and I spin around to see Callum standing there. He’s no longer defiant. Now he stands before me, his shoulders hunched over and his eyes pleading. I turn away from him and pour myself yet another shot of whisky.
“Ye need to go to bed,” I state, placing the stopper back into the decanter.
I’m surrounded by silence, so I assume Callum’s taken my good advice, and I let out a sigh and turn around. He’s still standing there.
“Dinnae ye hear me?” I snap. “Time for talking’s over.” I go over to a high-backed chair that faces a fire that’s no longer lit, and there I sit down, swirling the drink around the crystal tumbler.
To my dismay, Callum comes and sits beside me. He coughs, clears his throat and I look up to see the image of a broken man, one now wringing his hands. He’s clearly desperate for help, but I’m not the one he should turn to.
“Jamie,” he says in a small, defeated voice, “I want you to know our marriage was perfect in every way until she wanted a child. Not being able to give her the one thing she desires most in the world haunts me and has left the deepest furrows of pain in my heart. Up until that moment I’d provided her with everything she ever wanted. It was me who put up the capital for the flower shop when it was a goal she thought she’d never reach. I supported her through her training, watched her determination to succeed grow, like the flowers in her shop. I’ve always loved Maddie because of her unreasonable wildness. Every day with her is a challenge, but I wouldn’t change her for the world. She’s been so strong these past months, much stronger than I ever could be, and I feel myself growing weak.”
“Cal, I hear what you’re saying, but what you’re asking…”
“Do you not think it kills me to beg my own brother to do what I should be man enough to do myself? And the fact isI’m ashamed. Ashamed I’ve dropped so deep into my pit of despair that I’m asking my own flesh and blood to do something that goes against everything we’ve ever believed in. But there’s simply no other way, not for me…not for Maddie.”
I shake my head. The booze is starting to hit me, but I’m still in control.
“Ye have nae right,” I declare, “to ask me to do such a thing, to ask…anyone.”
“Do you think I don’t know that? But I implore you to reconsider and think this through. I know what I’m asking goes beyond brotherly love, but I’m a drowning man begging you to throw me some rope.”
“I cannae do it, Callum; I just cannae,” and I watch my brother push his fingers through his hair, slowly inching his chair a little closer. His voice becomes low, conspiratorial, just like back in the pub.
“All I’m asking is for you to think about it. The quiz night is two days away. It’s just one night with her, Jamie, one night that could change everything.”
“Och, so let’s say for argument’s sake, I agree to go along with this crazy idea of yours. What if I sleep with her and she doesnae fall pregnant. Let’s face it, the stakes are stacked against us. What then?”
“Then at least I know we tried, and gave it our best shot.”
Before I can say anything, Callum pulls himself from his seat and pats me with affection on the shoulder.
“Two days, Jamie. Please think about it. That’s all I ask,” and I remain noncommittal as I watch him take himself off to bed.