Chapter 2
“Who’s making such a racket?” Callum grumbles as he snuggles further under the bedcovers. A car backfires outside and I open one eye and glance at the clock, letting out a low moan. When I stir, Callum’s leg brushes against mine. I never heard him come to bed last night.
Throwing back the duvet, I make my way towards the window, my feet silent as they press into the carpet. When I throw back the curtains, the glare of a streetlamp almost blinds me, and I shield my eyes with the back of my hand. I blink to see the next-door neighbour’s white Beetle trundling off down the road. A trail of black smoke coils from its exhaust, like a pollutive snake escaping into the atmosphere.
“It’s bloody Micky again,” I say, and snap the curtains closed. “That’s the third time this week we’ve suffered being woken up by that beaten-up piece of junk he calls a car.” My gaze wanders over to where Callum lies, dozing. I’m soon back in bed, tugging the covers over me, expecting a response, only to frown when he simply pulls the duvet over his head instead.
“I think it’s about time you said something to our noisy neighbour,” I huff. “All this disturbed sleep isn’t helping anyone. He knows I’m up early and that you work late.”
Callum groans, rolls over onto his back and lets out a deep sigh. “Look, Maddie. You know full well that having words won’t make a blind bit of difference. He’s only just managing to keep the roof over his head, so it’s not as though he’ll be out buying a new car anytime soon.” He punches his pillow and bounces back onto his own side.
I let out a deep breath, annoyingly aware that he’s right. Still, I hate the thought that my neighbour will likely never be able to afford a new car. Thinking about it, that’s true for pretty much the whole neighbourhood. The entire town is full of people just like Mick, like us, struggling to make ends meet. I feel a moment of longing, wishing to get away from this place, to escape and live somewhere a little less—deprived.
My mind drifts back to Scotland, to rolling hills covered in a thick carpet of purple heather. I lick my lips as my thoughts turn to the ice-cold waters of the loch, and the river filled with trout that runs through his grandfather’s property.
For us, the Highlands was the perfect honeymoon location. I love the great outdoors and I was happy to muck in around the farm. We walked along nature trails that led out into the glens, watched golden sunsets, and fished until dark. Later, by the fireside, we ate what we’d caught, cooked over the flames. I’d seen a different, more attentive side to Callum back then. He’d wished only to make me happy, not like now.
I press my lips together and squeeze my eyes tight as the reason why things turned sour creeps into my mind. I don’t want to think about that now, or what happened between us last night. I want to start today anew.
I focus my attention on a time when we had both been so happy, in love and carefree. I treasure the memories of those few special days in Scotland and hold them deep within my heart, where nothing and no one else, not even Callum, can touch them.
The sound of deep breathing fills the air, and I open my eyes and stare at the top of my husband’s head. I want to reach out with my fingers and stroke one of the auburn waves that taper into a soft curl at the nape of his neck, but instead, I wipe a tear from my eye. He’s handsome, but that alone won’t hold our marriage together. I love him so much and try to show him every day, but the gap between us is inexorably widening and I don’t know how to stop it.
I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that Callum loves me still, but something isn’t right; something’s eating away at him, day by day. I can never put my finger on the exact moment things changed between us, but I’m certain about the root cause.
Snuggling close, trying not to wake him, I pull the duvet up to my chin and comfort myself with its manly smell of his skin. But knowing I’ll never be able to have children with Callum haunts my every waking moment.
There’s a continual buzz close by my ear, and I reach out, searching the top of the bedside table for my mobile. My fingers curl around the sliver of cool vibrating metal, and half asleep, I drag the iPhone to my ear.
“Hi,” I mumble; “what’s up?”
“Why aren’t you at work yet?” Keira asks.
“What?” and I peel back an eyelid, trying to focus on the ornate clock on the bedroom wall.
I almost drop the phone as I tumble out of bed.
“Holy shit! Is that the right time? I must have dropped off.”
“Relax,” says Keira. “The shop’s open for business as usual.”
I rub the last of the sleep from my eyes.
“Sometimes, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re an absolute gem.”
“Yeah, I know, so that’s another pay rise you owe me, right?”
I smile down at the phone. “When we start making some serious money, I’ll think about it.”
Careful not to wake Callum, I drag my dressing gown from the bottom of the bed and swiftly push my arms through its sleeves.
“Oh, listen,” I say, pulling the mobile closer to my mouth, “I completely forgot to tell you: there’s a large shipment of red roses coming in this morning. Could you make sure you get a readable signature and that the delivery note matches items ordered on the invoice. I can’t afford another cock up like we suffered at Christmas.”
“Don’t worry, that won’t happen again. Besides, I’ve already had a text saying the shipment will be here within the hour.”
Relieved, I make my way into the bathroom, my voice, which sounds a little more relaxed, rising an octave as I close the door behind me.
“Good, that’s a relief. Still, I’ll hurry and do my best to be there before the roses arrive. If you can start on the orders we prepped yesterday, we can get them ready for when Eddie comes with the van to pick them up at eleven.”
“Chill. It’s all in hand. I haven’t forgotten we have five wreathes on order and nine bouquets for collection today,” Keira assures me.
I squeeze a dollop of toothpaste onto my toothbrush.
“Mmm, that’s right,” I agree, scrubbing my teeth with Colgate. “They’re all for Mrs Williams who passed away last week,” I mumble through the foam. “She was a very popular lady, a staunch member of the community, so I don’t want any hiccups, not like last time.”
“You mean the humiliation we suffered when a certain local Mayor’s flowers were delivered the day after his funeral?”
I grimace at the reminder.
“Yeah, like that one. Now beat it and let me get ready.”
I hit the red button on my phone and try not to recall how I almost lost my entire business. Not that it was all my fault. The note the Mayor’s wife had given me had been soggy from an unexpected downpour, the numbers having run into each other. Pushing that dreadful day to the back of my mind, I concentrate on getting ready for work. With no time to shower, I wash my face, brush my hair and tie up my natural blond tresses into a ponytail. Heading back to the bedroom, I hear Callum snoring. Without making a sound, I get dressed and go over and kiss the top of his head. Even as he sleeps, I cannot escape the emptiness of my life. But for better or worse, I made a vow and a promise. I still love him. No one told me married life would be easy, so I don’t expect it to be. With a heavy heart, I hurry downstairs, grab my car keys and bag, stuff my arms through my coat sleeves, and within seconds I’m out of the door.
***
“After all that, you didn’t mention having a holiday?” Keira asks.
I push the last of the wreaths into the back of the delivery van, close the set of double doors and try not to catch Keira’s eye. “Seriously,” she insists, “you didn’t even broach the subject?”
I bang my fist on the side of the van and wave at the driver when I catch a glimpse of him through one of the side mirrors.
“Nope, I just couldn’t seem to find the right moment,” and I head back inside the shop.
“Hey, not so fast,” Kiera yells, racing ahead and jumping in front of me. “So, what happened? You were up for it yesterday; what made you chicken out?”
“I didn’t chicken out, well, not exactly.”
Keira cocks one eye. “Really? Well, it sounds like you did from where I’m standing.”
My shoulders droop as I gently push Kiera aside. “Look, K, how about we just let the matter drop?” I don’t wait for a reply but push in through the main shop door. I proceed to unroll a scarf from around my neck and pull off a pair of motheaten mittens, which I then throw behind the counter.
Through a mirror on the shop wall, I watch Keira pulling off a fluffy blue and red beanie hat. “It’s no use, I’m not going to quit asking questions until you explain why your bags aren’t packed. Besides, you promised to bring me back a wee dram.”
I turn towards her, deciding to tell her the truth.
“Well, the thing is…Callum came home last night in a vile temper. Some jerk at work stole his best client, and now he thinks he won’t get his bonus this year. He’s seriously pissed off, and you of all people know there’s no talking to him when he’s in such a bad mood. So…I decided to keep schtum about the mini break, for the time being at least; simply ride the wave and wait until the time becomes right.”
Keira hangs up her coat and rubs her hands together for warmth. “That’s such a shit thing to have happened to him, but I still don’t see why you can’t go to Scotland. His bonus shouldn’t affect you going away on holiday. I don’t mean to pry, but surely you only need to have a full tank of petrol to get you there.”
I make my way over to the till, just as an elderly customer scurries into the shop.
“Have you any fresh carnations, dear?” she asks, warmly.
I point to a bucket near the shop window and the old lady waddles over. “I’ll have a few of these,” she says, pointing to a bunch of pink and white chrysanthemum’s, instead. “Oh and add a couple of those lovely white lilies into the bunch, too, please.”
I head over and pull the flowers from the water before taking them back to the counter and wrapping them in pretty patterned paper. The old woman thrusts a ten pound note into my hand.
“I’m off to the cemetery,” she explains, opening her shopping bag and placing the flowers inside. “My husband passed away just over a year ago and I always try and visit him once a week.”
I smile weakly as I give her, her change seeing the sorrow in her eyes, the way her mouth turns down ever so slightly.
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” I murmur.
The woman’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. “Do you know? he promised to take me to Paris, but we never made it. Time just seemed to fly by, and before I knew it, he was gone.” She places the few coins I offer her back inside her purse, but then hesitates and leans a little closer. “Take my advice, lovey, don’t leave everything too late. Enjoy your life whilst you still can. After all, you’re only young once.”
I nod and glance over my shoulder, to see Keira looking rather smug, then quickly return to watch the old lady as she leaves the shop, but that doesn’t stop Keira from coming over.
“You see? Even the customers think you should go to Scotland,” she laughs.
“Ha, ha; very funny,” I splutter, trying to hide a grin. “That’s not what she was saying at all.”
“It is, too,” Kiera insists. “She’s telling you that life’s too short.”
I let out a loud sigh.
“Whatever she meant, it’s not as though I’m going to die next week,” I proclaim. “Well, at least I hope not. Seriously, don’t you go worrying; I’ll get to Scotland, one way or another. For some strange reason, visiting the Highlands has now become important to me. Don’t ask me why, but I feel as though I’m spiritually being drawn back there. I want to… No, I need to see those glorious snowclad peaks again.”
Kiera’s face breaks into a glorious grin, but it just as quickly fades.
“So how will you convince Callum?” she asks.
I give her a wink. “Oh, that part’s easy. I just need to think of a way of using reverse psychology, of making him believe a trip to Scotland is all his idea.”
“Ah, I like your style, but do you have any idea how you’re going to do it?”
“Oh, indeed I do, and as Baldrick would say: ‘I have a very cunning plan’.”
***
“Haven’t you got any work to do?”
I glance up from the till, taken completely by surprise. “Hey, Callum, what are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d take you out to lunch,” and he tugs playfully at the sleeve of my shirt. So, what do you say?”
“Listen, I’m sorry about last night.”
“Forget last night. Let’s start over. I thought maybe we could go somewhere nice, together.”
I nod. “Sure; okay; so, where would you like to go?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Anywhere. You choose. Besides, I want to make it up to you.”
I catch Keira’s eye as she arches a perfectly shaped brow.
“Well,” I rush on to say, “I’m not one to turn down a free lunch,” and I force a grin. “However, I am wondering whether you’re coming down with a bug, or maybe even man flu?”
Callum chuckles, clearly trying to laugh off the dig, but I sense he isn’t amused.
“No, I’m not ill. I just want to go out to lunch with my wife; is that really so unusual?”
“Well, then, if you’re serious, we could go to Frankie and Benny’s? I hear they do great specials on Thursday’s.”
“Fine with me,” Callum acknowledges, then lifts my coat from its peg, and I’m soon zipped up, hat on my head, hands in my gloves.
“I’m ready,” I announce cheerily and nod to Keira. “Thanks for holding the fort. I’ll try not to be too long,” and I grab my handbag.
Kiera waves her hand dismissively, then pushes open the shop door. “Don’t worry. Take as long as you like,” she insists. “We’ve survived this morning’s mad rush, so go and enjoy yourself, for a change.”
I relish the thought of escaping the shop for a while. It isn’t often I get away and being with Callum makes this unexpected treat that much sweeter. I link my arm through my husband’s and he pulls me even closer, crossing the street, laughing and joking as we go.
Callum swings open the restaurant door and I can’t help but smirk as he acts the perfect gentleman. It’s great seeing this side of him again. It’s been far too long.
We hang about just inside the doorway for a few seconds, until an approaching waiter asks, “Table for two?”
I nod and he shows us to a vacant booth.
“This is nice,” I say, pulling off my hat and gloves. “We should do this more often.” I check out the restaurant as I unzip my coat, pleased to see the other customers are busy devouring their food. There’s a nice atmosphere about this place. It’s homely. A mixture of black and white photographs cover the walls, mostly of movie stars and famous people from the nineteen-fifties and sixties, a particularly striking one of Marilyn Munroe. She’s so beautiful, I note, and she’s placed next to Dean Martin, at whom I smile. They would certainly have made a dashing couple back then.
The smell of fresh garlic fills the air and I breathe in deeply, the delicious aroma making my stomach rumble. Soft music plays in the background, the dulcet tones of Frank Sinatra, and I relax further into the soft leather of my seat.
“It appears we’ve missed the rush,” I say to the waiter as he hands me a menu. He nods as he wipes down the table, then heads off into the direction of the kitchen, but I frown, realising Callum isn’t listening. He’s too busy browsing the back page of the menu.
“Er… What did you say?” he asks, unable to tear his eyes from the list of alcoholic beverages.
I let out an exaggerated sigh and he looks over at me. “I think I’ll have a beer; would you like a glass of wine?”
Inside, I want to scream. He knows full well I don’t drink when I’m working.
“I’ll just have a Diet Coke, thanks.”
“Oh, for Christ sake, Maddie, live a little. Why can’t you just let your hair down once in a while and have a drink with me?”
I’m shocked by his tone and feel my cheeks burn, but I don’t wish to make things worse between us. I don’t want to start a fight like last night. So, I keep it zipped and stay tight-lipped, studying the specials whilst watching Callum out of the corner of my eye, observing him tapping his hand over the table’s laminated surface.
“Excuse me sir; are you ready to order?”
Callum’s gaze shifts from the menu to the waiter.
“Actually, I can’t decide. I either want the bacon double cheese burger or the turkey melt.”
“Shall I give you a few minutes more?” the young man asks.
“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind.”
He nods and heads over to the bar, taking my gaze with him as far as the next booth, where a young couple are sitting together. They’re laughing and joking, completely oblivious to the outside world, absorbed only in one another’s company. The woman’s cheeks dimple with a smile that moves fluidly across her face, her happiness clear to all who care to look, shining like a glorious beacon.
I let out a deep sigh and look away, staring down with unseeing eyes at my menu. I try to recapture a moment when Callum had looked at me in such a way, but I struggle. Perhaps it was the day he asked me to marry him.
Callum clicks his fingers just as the waiter walks by with somebody else’s drinks.
“Hey, what are you doing?” I hiss in despair, sliding a little deeper into the booth. “How rude of you and can’t you see people are staring?”
Callum shrugs. “I don’t care. I’m ready to order, and we were here long before that couple.”
“Well, you damn well should care. You can’t go clicking your fingers at the staff, you’ll get us thrown out.”
“Is that right, little miss perfect,” Callum huffs. “I was only trying to catch his attention.”
The waiter hurries over. I can’t look the man in the eye, and purposely fiddle with one of my gloves.
“Sorry about that,” he says, “only I mixed up their beverages. I gave them sweetened tea instead of unsweetened. The lady’s diabetic.”
I lift my face and smile, but I still can’t meet his gaze.
“Have you decided what you’d both like to drink?”
“Yes. My wife will have a Diet Coke and I’ll have a Coors,” Callum says. “We’re also ready to place our lunch order.”
“Absolutely,” and the waiter lifts his notepad and pen. “What can I get you both?”
“I’ll take the bacon double cheeseburger, and—”
“And I will have the baked lasagne,” I say.
The waiter takes our menus and heads back through the double-doors to the kitchen.
“Callum, what’s wrong with you?” I say firmly. “Lately, you’ve been acting like a Jekyll and Hyde, one minute you’re nice and the next you’re a monster.”
Callum lets out an irritated sigh. “I’m sorry about…you know…earlier. I didn’t mean to offend anyone.”
I take a deep breath. “So, work’s still busy, then?”
“No, not really. Since I lost Lord Fornhill’s account, the business pretty much ticks along without me.”
The waiter returns with our drinks, setting the Coors down next to Callum’s hand and the Diet Coke right in front of me. “Thanks,” I say.
“Your food should be out shortly. Is there anything else you need?”
“No. We’re good,” Callum nods.
I reach for my handbag and dig inside. Within seconds I find a copy of Cycling Weekly. It’s a bit tatty at the corners and rather moth-eaten, but it’s the only issue I have. Callum lifts an eyebrow and points the bottle of beer in my direction.
“What’s with the mag?”
“Oh, it’s just an old copy of an outdoor pursuits magazine I found at the back of the shop. It was mixed in with a couple of floral booklets. I’ve been thinking about getting myself a bike, you know, to try and keep fit.”
Callum shakes his head and chuckles. “Are you serious? You’ve never been one for cycling.”
“Well, that’s just it: I think it’s time I changed all that. A new bike wouldn’t cost too much, and I think I’d enjoy it.”
Callum snatches the rolled-up magazine from my fingers and uses the flat of his hand to smooth out its kinks, then he flips through the pages.
“Hey, look at these photographs,” he says. “The location they’ve used for these shots reminds me a lot of the mountains around Camburgh.” He pushes the magazine that bit closer to me. “Can you see? In fact, the more I look, the more I’m convinced it is Camburgh.”
I do my best impression of being surprised, opening my eyes wide and saying, “Oh. Wow. I’ve never noticed that before.”
I drag the pages to the centre of the table, so we can both see the colourful images, and point to a worn track, almost hidden behind a posing cyclist.
“Yes, I think you’re right. The mountain range reminds me a lot of Loch Durrum and Inverness.”
Callum sighs. “You remember.”
I look up and smile.
“Yes, of course I do; how could I forget? It’s where you gave me my first sprig of lucky heather.”
Callum sits back and takes another swig of beer.
“We had a nice time back then, didn’t we?”
I nod. “Yes, we did. Those few days away were magical.”
Callum stares at me, and for a moment I’m worried he’s seen right through my ruse.
“Maddie, I know I’m not one for being spontaneous, but I’ve a bit of time owed at work and I think the break would do us both good. How do you fancy a wee trip to Scotland?”
I try not to jump up and down, but inside I’m doing backflips. “Well, I’ll have to speak to Keira, but if you’re serious, I can’t see it being a problem.”
“Good. Then it’s settled. I’ll speak to my boss and ring my grandfather tonight and get it all arranged.” He rubs his hands together and his mood lightens as the waiter brings over our meals. I want to jump up and tell the server how happy I am. I want to walk down the aisle between the booths in my husband’s arms and kiss his face.
Instead, though, I take a mouthful of food and say, “The lasagne is wonderful. How’s your burger?”
***
I watch Keira climb down a set of small stepladders, returning the twinkling set of fairy lights she’s been trying to hang without success onto the floor. She swings the “Closed” sign over the door and pulls down the blind. I find it odd when she comes and sits beside me, behind the counter, where I frown, sensing by her expression that there’s something she wants to get off her chest.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, trying not to panic, convinced she’s changed her mind about running the shop in my absence. I lick my lips and wait for the blow.
Kiera pulls her wooden stool a little closer.
“Maddie, I don’t want you to be angry or upset with me, but I’ve been meaning to give you a small gift.”
My frown deepens, and I shake my head. “Don’t be daft; why would you want to give me a present? It isn’t my birthday or anything.”
Kiera seems a little edgy.
“I know that, silly, but still, I have something here for you.” She reaches inside the back pocket of her jeans and pulls out an envelope with my name on it. I can see it’s full of money.
“Here, this is for you; I want you to have it,” she says, pushing it against my fingertips, but I snatch my hand away.
“What? No way. There must be a couple of hundred pounds in there, possibly more. I know I’m stony broke, but I can’t possibly take your hard-earned cash.”
Keira shakes her head and her eyes narrow.
“Sure, you can. I want you to have it.”
This time she thrust the envelope towards me, but I place my hands on my lap in protest, and Kiera lets out a sigh.
“But you’re missing the point, the reason why I’m offering you this gift.”
I fold my arms and draw my lips tight.
“It might help if you listen for a second and stop being stubborn,” she says. “You see, I’ve been saving for months. You know, in preparation for your, for the arrival of…” and for the first-time, Keira appears lost for words. She falters, but before I can speak, she regains her composure.
“What I’m trying to say is that I was saving the money for when you and Callum had your baby.”
I feel the bottom fall out of my world.
I eventually have to force the words out of my mouth, “But there is no baby, and there never will be.”
“Then make the most of this golden opportunity.”
I stare at her for the longest time, the ache in my breast spiralling slowly but surely into intense pain.
“Why are you always so kind to me?” I begin to cry. “I truly don’t deserve it.”
Kiera pulls me close, wraps her loving arms around me and hugs me tight.
“Because I love you like a sister,” she breathes into my hair, “and I just want you to have enough money so you can make the most of this trip.”
As Keira soothes me, I know I want a child of my own. Her hand strokes my face and she holds me tight, but it brings me little comfort.
I know I will never have children with Callum. I will be forever alone. And now, my marriage is a howling abyss.