Chapter Twelve
~Foreign~
“I can’t just call them up or show up at their homes.” Suddenly, I was sorrier for that than I could ever believe possible.
Well hell, now I was sorry, guilty, along with giving people the benefit of the doubt, and yearning for a certain hard body with green eyes. Seemed like when I let one emotion in, they all rushed in. Hurt less to keep them all under lock and key. But you wouldn’t feel the things you do for Christian, and that’s why you’re not going backwards. You’ve started APA now, riding this train until it hits something, whether it hurts or helps. But you’ll know where you truly stand with everyone and who all truly loves you. It’s all you ever wanted to know. Maybe you’ll find some more good people besides Christian and the ones in Arrow.
There was a roadblock though.
“I’ve been shunned by my family. None of them will talk to me. My parents would’ve set that rule in stone automatically when I left. Everybody follows the princess and fabric tycoon’s decrees like they’re the law because according to my mother’s culture, they are. As long as you’re the head of a household and the higher-ranking royal, you get total power over the family. Family didn’t disgrace the family and get away with it, and a disgrace is what I am to them for leaving.”
His kissed my temple. “You are one beautiful ass disgrace then, and who says you’re shunned? You got to attend your father’s funeral and his repast without being tossed out on your delectable ass, didn’t you?”
“I’m shunned because I was tossed out on my delectable ass almost three years, remember? And trust me, somebody wanted my ass tossed out a second time at my father’s funeral, just didn’t say it where I could hear them.”
“But what your mother says goes, right?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Then you’re worrying about nothing. She most certainly wants her daughter back.”
How the hell did he know? God, was he in cahoots with her to get to me? You still have one bad habit of asking the wrong person that’s for sure.
Baffled and a little fearful, I tipped my head back. “How do you know that?”
He angled his chin down, peering at me. “You should ask her how I know, not me.”
That wasn’t an answer. “Christian—”
He touched noses with me. “No, I don’t talk to your mother on the regular like I did your father. He was my friend, not her, but I can see, Foreign. She was always close by at the repast, making goo-goo eyes at you like you were her first love that had married somebody else. Anyone could see she misses you very much.” Anyone but you.
And he and my conscience weren’t lying; at the repast, I couldn’t turn and not look in her face always smiling with just a hint of sadness. But then, I thought she was putting on her best front for the masses. In her circle, you do not let them see you sweat, even at a funeral. Somebody would pounce on any show of vulnerability, so how the hell was I supposed to see through her façade? You could’ve asked her how she felt.
Yeah, maybe I should have, but it was too late now.
Grumbling, I snuggled into Christian’s chest again. “You see too damn much.”
He snorted. “Somebody has to do it. So, when are we going back to California? I think it’ll be good to go to your father’s grave and talk to him alone. Get everything off your chest… and hope he doesn’t respond.”
His joke went right over my head. “Who is ‘we’? I’m not going back to California to live!” That place was still my folks’ territory. I wasn’t thrilled with him going back either, wanted him here with me, so much it was more disturbing than going back to face my family dead and alive.
He chuckled. “Not to live, to exorcise your demons. They’ve weighed you down and held sway in your life for far too damn long.”
Ain’t that the truth.
“That I can do but don’t know when I can go back. Have to talk to my boss about getting off, then coordinate that with when plane tickets are cheap. Everything is so damn expensive.”
“How about this trip be on me then?” he offered. “Just let me know when you can get off.”
“Ah, no. I’m not about to start taking your money, Christian… well, not any more of it. You’ve done enough for me. I live within my means, rich boy. Damn if I let you get me accustomed to a life I can’t keep up when you get tired of my shit.”
When he realized that he could do better. You better hope he doesn’t.
“Foreign,” he called softly, dragging me out of my thoughts.
“Hmmm.”
“If I came all this damn way to fake blackmail you into my life and profess loving you, what the hell makes you think I want to go anywhere without you ever again? And if you need closure from something, dammit, you’ll get it, don’t care whose money makes it happen.”
I was stuck on him not wanting to go anywhere without me. “Ever?” I parroted, teetering on the cusp of… something huge.
Whatever it was, this man’s words could push me right over. I feared the freefall into the unknown with him; the jump was on faith. Instincts were shrieking it would break me if I hit the ground. Oh, but if he was waiting at the bottom to catch me, hell, I’d probably jump just for the adrenaline rush.
“Yes, ever, Foreign. Honey, you’re it for me, and yes, I know that doesn’t apply to your feelings for me. But, I’m taking the chance the one day you will feel the same because nothing is guaranteed. That’s why we reach for and hold on to some things and some people for as long as we can until we have to let go, especially if it and they are good to us and for us.”
“How do you know I’m it for you?”
I genuinely wanted to know, so I could confirm if I ever felt like he did or could at least put the correct name to the all-consuming feeling that seemed embedded in my chest, in my heart, and taking over my head. It wasn’t lust, far from it. I knew lust like I knew anger. Both caused you to be unsure if it was real or would fade out, slowly growing into muted undertones of their former selves. Leaving you to wonder if it was worth it after you spoke what you needed to say to satisfy the urges they caused. You could choose whether or not you wanted to feel those emotions, but love… not so much. I knew that much from books and television, and that I could not get whatever this was between him and I wrong, especially since it seemed to be taking me over, instead of dwindling.
“My heart tells me so, Foreign. I literally feel it in my chest. When the heart wants something bad enough to refuse to let you forget, it wants takeover your head and emotions until you’re doing what they want you to do, which is not always right. But I think as long you don’t intentionally mean to harm someone physically or mentally, it’s okay to do what your heart thinks is right to pacify it. It can reign hell on its host until it gets what it wants… and that for me was you. Now, I have you, I’m happy, and most certainly don’t want to let you go because my happiness goes with you.”
Damn, that was what it felt to love? To be loved? To mean something to someone’s heart? I knew I had been missing out on something, just didn’t know what. And now you do, so what you gonna do… besides cry? Jesus, get it together.
Oh damn, Christian was blurry again. Another knob of pesky ass emotions had formed in my throat, making it hard to swallow. What the hell had I gotten myself into with him? No idea, but you like it.
It was a constant rush being with him, I was more alive than ever.
“You most certainly are good for and to me, Christian, and…” Say it. “I’m afraid of grabbing onto you only to have to let go after you realize I’m not good enough for you. I’m broken… I think. You deserve better.” There, dammit, I said it. Whoop dee fucking do, you’re talking about your feelings. Every human does it, those that like to heal anyway.
I can’t ever get any damn credit from myself, and did I have any right to task Christian with being my healer? Or letting him volunteer? Could I stop him?
He rolled me to my back, laying atop me, caging me in his arms braced on each side of my head to keep from crushing me. For a while, he just looked down at me, with a half-smile. I tilted my head sideways on the pillow, wondering what he was thinking and seeing in me this time, praying to God he wasn’t going back on his word of seeing the good in me when I was pretty damn sure the only thing good about me at this point was him.
“Foreign, don’t go there in your head. I can see the downward spiral of your thoughts in your eyes, and your mouth is drooping at the corners. If I didn’t think you were good for me or broken, instead of hurting badly deep down, I’d still be right here, doing my damndest to show you what you need to see to be the woman who knows that she doesn’t have to let me go. That’s all I’ve been doing from the start, sweetheart.”
It did hurt once upon a time to be denied what I needed most from my family; that’s what my first memory was of and had been ever since. I had pushed the pain deep down and tried to forget about it. He really saw too much. Yep, still reading your ass like a book, well, all that you didn’t reveal to him on your sextape.
Which was why he brought it to me. It was evidence that I wasn’t a coldhearted bitch naturally but by choice.
“You’ve been trying to heal me,” I whispered, “and I’m pretty damn sure it’s working.”
It had to be working if I wanted to go to California to see my family and keep him with me here when he had a life there. An ice-cold shiver ran down my spine at the thought of tackling my folks, didn’t want to come back more rejected and battered than I already was, but it wasn’t going to kill me. That I knew, so things would be okay regardless.
Not worrying about the outcome felt… freeing. I’ve never felt that even after I cut ties, a life still had to be made on my own with no support system. ‘Free’ was alien to me, overwhelming me in a good damn way. I giggled like a carefree child for once in my life. Carefree wouldn’t have happened without the man who was surrounding me like he was my shelter, or at least that was what he felt like. Feeling shit might not be so damn bad after all.
“What’s on your mind now, Foreign? Whatever it is must be pretty damn good.”
I snorted. “You’re on my mind. Always have been, but before you came here at least I could push you to the back of it when I wanted to. You knew that movie would open my eyes when nothing else would, didn’t you?” Even I, who often chose to be as blind as a bat to what was right in front of me, sure as hell couldn’t help but see the attraction between us in high definition.
“Yes, it was eye-opening, Foreign, especially the parts where my eyes weren’t open but yours were. Watching you watch me sleep like you cherished me convinced me to make the disc, then bring it to you, come what may.” No matter what I’d believed about him.
He took a chance, exactly what it took to really live life to the fullest, something I haven’t done since I buckled down with school and work here. In California, with him, I felt more alive than I ever had. That had terrified me in the cold light of day. In the dark, I could hide what I was feeling in the shadows. When the night left, so did I, but there was nowhere to run now. I’d have to outrun my feelings first, not possible, no matter how far down I hid them.
“I think I fell hard for you in California, and that scares the shit out of me too, Christian.”
“Wait to see what happens when you fall all the way for me, and I’ll wait for it.”
“I’m going to be scared more shitless?” God, I hoped not, had reached my limit with that emotion.
He laughed his ass off. “You won’t be scared at all if I can help it.”
A twenty-eight-year-old who had no concept of love had to be pathetic. Yet, I saw nothing but patience and hilarity in his eyes, and I wasn’t too sure if there was any further to go in falling for him. Hell, he had me at hello. Anymore feelings, and I’d freaking combust. But what a way to go.
It was.
“I want to fall for you the rest of the way if there’s any more falling to be done,” I confessed, stroking his jaw. “But I don’t think there is anywhere else to go from here but into obsession with you, and I’m talking the bad kind.”
He had earned any love I could learn to give. What I didn’t know, I bet he’d teach me… by example, the same way I’d learned everything else.
“Just in case there is, I’ll catch you every time you fall, love,” he murmured, his voice full of promise, weaving a damn spell around me.
My breath caught in my throat. A barrage of emotions rose up. Too many to name, too much to cope with altogether. I preferred to deal with one at a time until I was a little bit more experienced. They were overwhelming my chest, forcing me to exhale. I felt too full suddenly but not in a burdened, heavy way that I was intimate with. My chest was normally hollow. Empty. The dead space weighing a ton, but I was damn near close to floating off the bed with these new sensations. When are you going to accept that you’re really happy for a change?
I was happy, this close to levitating. If that was what happened when you felt too much, then it was best to pass these feelings onto someone else that could manage them or could fly. Christian seemed capable of handling the overload. My gut was telling me that I needed to touch him to pass on the excess or feel grounded again like last time, so I reared up and kissed him for all I was worth. His touch did lessen the intensity of sensations. More than likely because I was fully concentrated on kissing the hell out of him, but none of the blasted emotions unloaded onto him. Just hung out in the background.
At my insistence, we spent the rest of the night making love slowly, getting reacquainted with one another’s body. When we were both too tired to feel anything, we slept. The next day, we resumed, taking advantage of how primed his body already was for me. I was dozing off in his arms for the third time in a row, content and at peace but still too damn full, when my ringtone for Mahogany drifted into the bedroom from the kitchen.
I groaned into Christian’s chest, already rising and falling with the rhythm of the sleeping. She hadn’t forgotten about our girl talk session scheduled for today. Unfortunately, I had, and those damn feelings didn’t transfer to Christian, like I hoped. Christian. They’re your feelings, nut, for him.
Which makes them mine to deal with alone? You’re not alone anymore.
I wasn’t, was I? And I preferred it that way now. I preferred Christian when I could do ‘alone’ standing on my head. No guessing or feeling my way through; we’d established that I wasn’t a stranger to trying something new and that it wouldn’t kill me. Neither was this damn phone going to answer itself, because it did not seem like Mahogany was going to stop calling it. Easing off the bed, so as not to wake him, I crept into the kitchen, snagging my phone from the table. Christian’s phone started beeping on the couch. We were in high demand.
I yawned while answering, “Hey, Mahogany.”
She laughed at my lackluster way of answering the phone. “Are you still in bed, chick?”
Usually, my day would’ve started at eight, instead of eleven thirty. School assignments did not do themselves. I preferred to get them out of the way as soon as possible.
“Well, hello to you too, and I was still in bed. You took care of that.”
She groaned. “Will you be up by three? There has been even more shit-stuff going on, and we need to convene and discuss this shit-stuff, so please get up.” What else could have possibly happened?
Whatever it was, it wasn’t good if Mahogany was pleading for girl time to speak freely, and obviously, her daughter was nearby. The two-year-old served as the swear police hired by her father, Chance. I wondered what the hell did he pay her with. Money wouldn’t be an issue for a millionaire architect, but his daughter was barely out of diapers, couldn’t drive, and loved food only. Still, she had to eat regardless. I was going to make that an inquiry because, hell, I was nosy.
“I have comp—” I started.
“Oh shit-shoot!” she squeaked, cutting me off, trying her best to clean up her sentences. “Christian’s... Sorry, Majestic. Christian’s there, isn’t he?”
I smiled like a Cheshire cat. “Yeah, he is. Why?”
“He would be the only reason you’re not up yet, but you usually kick a dude out no later than six.” Then she gasped and yelled, “You’re in love! Nevaeh, this chick is in love!”
Strangely, I didn’t feel the necessity to deny it.
Nevaeh hollered, “What? Not Foreign!” sounding muffled as if she had a mouthful of food.
If she did, she was sharing with Majestic. That kid could con sugar out of a cake with just one look from her gray eyes inherited from her father.
“Yes, Foreign!” Mahogany squealed. “The one and fuc-freaking only!”
Out of us three, I was the fuc-freaking one that hadn’t found love.
“Oh hell-heck no!” Nevaeh shrieked. “We need to convene now!”
If anyone thought I was a loner who needed to come out of her shell, I had nothing on the old Nevaeh of six months ago. She hid an abusive past, a stalker, and tried to deal with it all herself, along with insecurities about her looks. At six feet tall with eyes that barely had any color, people have always brought her attributes up to her as if she didn’t have a mirror, reinforcing how different she looked. It was no wonder she’d made living inside herself an art form.
After a solitary two-month stint in jail, she opened up, then getting together for girl talk at least once a week became a rule, hers. She meant she wasn’t keeping anymore secrets when she could prevent incidents just by opening her mouth. She included me because, well, she and Mahogany were good women that didn’t intentionally leave anyone out. I didn’t have as many new developments in my world as they had when our ‘girl talk’ sessions began, but they kept me around, so I guessed they liked my company. It was good to know I hadn’t hurt everybody I had come in contact with. Yesterday, I would have intentionally not gave a damn if I had. Today, well, today was different.
“Ladies, you need to pick a place before we can convene,” I mentioned.
“Well,” Mahogany began, popping her tongue haughtily, “you know it’s been your place for the last half year because you live alone. Since you have company, we need a new venue with no interruptions and eavesdroppers, so you choose.”
“Nobody told my only two friends to fall in love with good men and build a good damn life with them,” I retorted good-naturedly. “All I can think of is Tommy’s, if Christian wants to stay here longer today.” Now, I was considering his feelings too.
Who had snatched my body? Who the hell did they leave behind in it?
“Did she say longer, Mahogany?” Nevaeh sounded completely flabbergasted.
“Mmmhmm.” Mahogany was enjoying the hell out of this new development in my life.
The air changed right before hands glided around my waist. A hard chest pressed against my back, a stiff pole pushing into the slit of my ass. The place at the apex of my thighs throbbed for Christian as if it hadn’t been banged enough by him.
“Hey, love.” His husky, sleepy voice dumped a truckload of testosterone on my senses, drowning them.
Hugging me from the back, he nuzzled my ear with his lips. I turned in his arms, wrapping one around his neck while holding the phone to my ear, and greeted him without thought.
“Hey, love, right back at you. Did I wake you again?”
He shook his head. “Missed you.”
Oh fuck, he said he missed me. I could’ve swooned right then.
“Is that him, Foreign?” Mahogany whisper-screamed in my ear, sounding like a raving lunatic suffering with voice box complications.
“Mmmhmm,” I responded, before his lips took possession of mine in a slow yet earth-shattering lip lock.
Earth-shattering was spec-fucking-tacular. Enslaving. Only requiring me to be willing to feel something beautiful. I felt beautiful with bed-head in nothing but my birthday suit showcasing the dimples in the back of my thighs. I was positive Christian didn’t give a damn about the little potholes in my skin. Of course not, that’s not where men stick their poles at.
“They’re kissing, Nevaeh. Goddamnit, they’re kissing… and she called him love!” Mahogany shouted like the sky was falling.
Nevaeh screeched in response, as if the sky had really fallen and she’d been hit by a chunk of it. “Put her on speakerphone, Mahogany. Damn! How the hell you can hear them kissing, I don’t know, but I want to hear too.”
Blind to anything but Christian, my finger fumbled around my screen, dialing a whole other phone number before I had them on speakerphone too. Placing the device on the back of the couch blindly to wrap both arms around him, I sunk deeper in his kiss, his touch, his presence, his love until I was high on all of it. Yep, I could make this a habit. At least it’ll be a good one.
“Curse,” Majestic warned Mahogany and Nevaeh out of nowhere, loud and clear like the toddler was in my living room.
Christian laughed against my mouth, lifted his head, and embraced me tighter, his grip the only thing keeping me standing. “Hello to everyone on the phone.”
Three different versions of ‘hello’ rang out. When the giggling started on their end, it was time to end this call, so they could compose themselves.
“Girls, I’ll call you back with a time and place after I get Christian’s plans for today out of him.”
“We’ll wait,” Nevaeh promised. “Bye.” The line went ultra-quiet.
He devoured me with his eyes and said simply, “Girl-talk time?”
“Yep. My apartment used to be the meeting place, but… I got a man now too,” I said sheepishly, and loved how it sounded.
He mushed his nose with mine. “Damn right you do.”
“And now, we’re scrambling for a new venue with privacy to spill our secrets but keep them between us.”
“I could rent you guys a room at the resort.”
I sighed, “Christian.” Using his name as a warning, sounding a lot like Majestic.
“What? Too soon for me to spend more of my money on you?” he retorted then snickered. “Okay, how about I’ll stay here, and you guys take my suite until you all want to return to your men. I can work from anywhere. Just need my laptop to cancel negotiations for a deal that’s been in the works for too long and not going anywhere. Plus, I can plan our next date in secrecy.”
“When and where is our next date?” I asked giddily, nearly jumping up and down like an overexcited kid who felt this way only once if memory served me correctly; the day I whooped the ski slope in Aspen as an adult.
Christian put on his thinking face that looked the same no matter who wore it. “I don’t know where yet. When depends on how long it takes me to pull it together.”
I was a little disappointed he hadn’t said it would happen tonight, turning into that girl who liked dating. Who knew? Tracing his collar bone with a molesting fingertip, I eyeballed the muscular V that formed the borders of his stomach and pointed to his erect penis. My mind went blank. The parts that hadn’t relocated to the gutter that was. Down, girl, important conversation going on right now.
Don’t tell me, tell him. “Uh, ah… Christian, you don’t have to design a setting this time. Anywhere is special as long as I’m with you.” Oh, did I just say that?
Who was this girl talking? She’d embraced the hell out of dating, whoever she was. Loving someone too much to let go of them was next.
Christian kneaded my spine, turning it to putty in his hands. “But I want it to be special and memorable for you. Plus, it’ll give you something to tell the girls.”
I was more interested in being with him than swapping stories, but if he wanted to pull something together, who the hell was I to stop him?
Gazing up at him made me forget what I was going to say. The look he was giving me had captured the heat of the sun and was making my blood boil, pulse pound.
“Stop looking at me like that, Christian. I can’t think.”
“I’ll think for you then because I’ll always look at you like that and look out for you. Now, I assume you had a rebuttal about me wanting to give you another memorable date.”
Yep, that was it.
“How about we compromise? While you pull something special together, we’ll do dinner and a movie tonight on me. I seemed to have a few extra dollars laying around thanks to a certain generous man, and I have to work tomorrow. Plus, there’s some work due for school the next day, so tomorrow’s a full day. But, I’m free today and want you to be a part of this day and night with me.”
“You do know you’re asking me out like you said you wouldn’t do, right?” By the wide smile swimming on his mouth, he was gloating inwardly… or extremely happy.
With him being who he was, he didn’t gloat, and I found that I liked making him happy. “I guess I am, a new milestone, huh?” Happy to be making some progress emotionally, not hurting anyone for a change.
Now that I knew it was wrong, I would gloat enough for the both of us. He touched his lips to mine, pressed in gently before backing off. I felt thanked, oddly, because that was who he was; an appreciator who hadn’t expected me to ask him out any more than I did.
“I’m in, baby, but only if you and the girls go enjoy your time together however long that is at the resort on me. You won’t be interrupted or overheard. Do whatever you like there. Swim. Have a spa day. Order room service. Or just kick back on my borrowed couch and sip champagne. Whatever you want. You don’t change too much for me. Your friends are welcome in both of our lives.”
One thing he did want me to change was going to be a source of contention; I told this beautiful man I didn’t want to get accustomed to his lifestyle, wanted to make my own riches. Guess I was going to have to say it again.
“Christian, I—” His finger lay lightly across my mouth, shutting me down.
“I know what you’re about to say, I can see it in your face, and if you say it, there will be no dinner and a movie with me if you don’t spend the day at the resort with the girls. Now, just nod for me, then get your beautiful ass in the shower before I take you back to bed and keep you there.”
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s aunt; he was threatening me with not being able to date him now if I didn’t spend time with my girls. God, he was so damn unpredictable and giving. I shivered from the thrill of not knowing what the hell he would do next. Noticing my reaction, he grinned. Being told what to do by him was also stimulating and I surely wasn’t going to miss one day with him before he had to go back home. Leaving me here. A long-distance relationship was inevitable with us and dampening my high spirits somewhat, but I wasn’t going to let it get me completely down, not while I had a lot of enjoying Christian to do anyway.
“You’re not nodding, Foreign.” He had me right where he wanted me, knew he had something I wanted; his way of treating me. Loving you.
And it was addicting. I hadn’t indulged enough in it and didn’t have to do anything extra at the resort that I couldn’t pay for myself, so I nodded.
“Good girl. Want me to join you in the shower?”
Of course, I nodded again. He scooped me up, carrying me to the plain eggshell-painted bathroom with stark-white conveniences. The small eight by eight room became paradise in a hurry. Twenty minutes of me not lifting a finger as he catered to me in every way had my knees knocking, breath hitching, and me wondering if I was going to be able to walk to the bedroom to dress, let alone to the living room to call my girls and have them meet me at the resort.
Christian volunteered to take care of all that for me since he was the reason I was limp and useless. He dressed me and him both, after locating what I wanted to wear. Brought me the phone to solidify the time and place for a meet up with the girls. Secured my ride with him to the resort where he left me alone, after a long lingering kiss and ordering lunch and champagne.
I put up a fuss about the latter, didn’t do me any good. The finger foods, fruit, and cheese with alcohol was delivered while he was still there. He, himself, spread it out on the six-chair dinette set, then promised retribution if half of it didn’t get consumed before he grabbed his laptop and left the resort with my house key in hand. God, that man was humbler than I knew if he could stay at my place, which wouldn’t rate better than a one-star motel. And he is all yours.
Now, I just had to make sure he had no regrets about that. Tall fucking order. No problem.