Chapter Three
~Katara~
Tommy exits the back of the work station by the same flap the women left through, then takes the lead, guiding me to a table for two in a much darker corner of the room. Probably the best place for old flames like me. Out of the limelight, not able to cause trouble.
He pulls my chair out, places me with my back to the other customers, and excuses himself to get a glass of red wine and order for me at the bar area that’s at the rear of the restaurant too, next to me. After this visit, I’m going to need some hard liquor just to squelch the bad nerves and the envy hanging around like bad odors.
If I hadn’t listened to Orion, I wouldn’t be feeling like this.
I tunnel in my purse for my phone and send him a quick text.
Me: I’m going to kill you when I get home.
He replies quickly.
Orion: What did I do??????
Too quickly to be as busy as he claims.
I furiously type a response.
Me: I think Tommy has someone and at least one CHILD, and I’ve flown here to get closure stupidly!!!!
A shadow falls over me just as my thumb floats over the send button.
“Your food is on the way,” Tommy announces over my shoulder.
Instead of pressing send, I shove the phone in my purse so fast I have to look guilty of something (like talking about him behind his back). When I peep up at him, hoping he hasn’t had time to read the message, he sets the glass down on the table, frowning down at my purse. Then his attention diverts to me.
“Dammit, Katara!” he sneers, using my full name, eyes blazing, nostrils flaring.
Yep, he read it.
He barrels past me to sit down in the chair opposite me. “When are you going to learn to stop jumping to conclusions when it comes to me, woman?”
Jumping to conclusions? About him having a child and a woman?
Then it dawns on me that Majestic isn’t his.
Oh, my damn. What if he doesn’t have a woman either? What if… he didn’t sleep with Benita? What if I got him all wrong?
If that’s true, I, not him, destroyed us for nothing. Tore my own fucking heart out of my chest. Since I have the one that can tell me the truth right in front of me, I decide to ask, to get the details I didn’t want to hear when it mattered the most, once and for all.
I grip the top of my purse with both hands for dear life, because this is going to hurt in one way or another. “Tommy, I need to know—”
“Stop!” His hand cuts through the air between us. “This time, I talk. I don’t have kids. Don’t have a relationship with anyone. I don’t cheat, and I didn’t cheat on you, Kat. I wanted you more than my next breath, too much to hurt you with the likes of Doorknob Benita. I didn’t want a turn. I had you, everything I wanted, until the day I let Edison borrow my car. He said his was in the shop and he needed to get a prescription filled for his mother. I knew she was sick, so I didn’t question him about it because I thought he was a friend that I could trust who needed something for his ailing mother and I was hella busy—”
“With getting your business up and running,” I interrupt, which should have been impossible because I’m breathless, shocked to the soles of my feet, and wrecked inside for my own mistakes.
With what I’d already figured out for myself about Edison, I’m sure setting me…no, setting us, up for a bad breakup isn’t too far off from there. I’ve never felt so damn stupid in my life. How do I apologize for what I’ve done? Contributing to Edison’s fuckery of my relationship.
Tommy jerks his head to the side belligerently. “You’re not supposed to be talking, Kat, remember? And I was getting this restaurant off the ground for us. You didn’t even stick around long enough for me to reveal the secret location to you. I was going to have a soft grand opening here just to surprise you and ask you to marry me. That’s why I let Edison borrow the car. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing… for you.”
But I wrote him off as a bad investment and hightailed it overseas to lick my wounds there.
I had it all and threw it away… or rather I flew away from it.
A choked-up noise dislodges from my throat. I clamp my hand over my mouth to stifle the next one incoming. If I thought I was in pain when I was convinced Tommy had stepped out on me, I’ve just learned that there is nothing compared to the agony of going ten years without the only man for me all because I wouldn’t listen to him. Precious time and unmade memories are gone down the drain. Irretrievable. I didn’t ask the right questions to the right man. Or trust in Tommy enough—I was so certain that I was in the right and he was wrong. Instead, I’ve wronged him.
It would almost be better if he had cheated on me. I could feel justified in every decision I’ve made since Edison suckered us both, but to learn Tommy was true to me in the end that I orchestrated is so much better. He’s still my Tommy, just not my Tommy. That’s leaves me conflicted, in hell and heaven with knowing he was always mine completely.
And then, the tears start. They become the catalyst I need to push myself to get it together before the next two waterdrops make a break for it, or I fall completely apart. While swiping at the moisture on my cheeks, I clear my throat, repressing the shit storm of emotions that’ll blow up the minute I’m alone. More like in the next minute if I stay here, and I shouldn’t when I have a fresh wound to my heart that I need to nurse.
“Shit, Tommy. I’m so sorry. I should go.”
I’ll come back later when I’ve regrouped and forgiven myself and can talk it out.
I would feel better instantly if Tommy’s arms were around me, promising things would be alright for us, but he doesn’t move. Waves me off instead.
“It’s…” he stops suddenly, sounding strangled and looking over my shoulder.
His Adam’s apple bobs several times before his eyes rest on me again as hard points that skewer through me, condemning me. “I want to say it’s okay, Kat, but I can’t because it isn’t. Edison is still fucking breathing. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone as bad as I do him.”
I’ve never seen Tommy so serious in my life or so damn furious with anyone. Didn’t know there was a situation he couldn’t laugh off. It’s nice to know there is one, the one where Edison screwed us over big time. With my help of course, and it’s selfish, but I’m glad that Tommy feels as mad as I do about what Edison did. Maybe Tommy’s angrier than me, if he wants to kill Edison. I rather be making up with Tommy. Making up to him for the wrong I did to him. To us. Killing Edison could come later.
First, I need to get through this ‘come to Jesus’ meeting, then find out where Tommy’s heart is concerning me. So many years have passed, and we’ve grown. Hopefully not so far apart. I’ll stay another day to find that out. Another day or days to get him back. Whatever it takes.
“Tommy, I know a lot of time has passed since our breakup, but I’m sorry I treated you like that. I was so angry when he showed up at my house, saying you were with Benita. All I could say was ‘Not my Tommy! He’s not like everyone else’s man.’ When Edison said he could prove it to me, I didn’t think past getting in the car, didn’t question what he was up to enough. I couldn’t get past what he was insinuating about you. I was blind. The pain of you with someone else was too much. I couldn’t stay in Arrow after that. The same day, Orion offered me a position with his company. I beat him to London a week early. God… can you forgive me?”
His frown deepens even more, as if I’ve asked him to strip naked then dance on the countertop. “Forgive you? I never blamed you for that! I blame that needle-prick bastard! He did this to get to you. He wanted me out the way, by setting us both up, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I had some gratification in you not getting with him after all he went through to break us up. Every time I see him, I want to pimp-slap the hell out of him. That’s what you do to a real bitch like him.”
“No reason to hit him, Tommy. I never wanted him. Just you.” And now, I need his understanding.
His grin comes back. “Edison’s lowlife ass is married to Benita now, miserable, and not sure if any of their children are his… or so I heard. Serves him damn right too, if he’s taking care of another man’s kids. Probably men in plural knowing Benita, a certified lot lizard.”
“Lot lizards get paid, Tommy. Benita flips up her tail for free.” And we both go off on a hail of laughter. “They deserve each other too.”
“That we agree on, Kat.”
The tension eases tremendously, but Tommy is still on the other side of the table. Not making his way to me, not asking to rekindle at least our friendship. I’m not getting any signs that he wants to pick up the pieces of our broken relationship as friends or otherwise. I guess we’re just clearing the air, and I’m going to leave the way I came: forever brokenhearted and without him. It’s what I deserve, and what I’ll learn to live with, remembering him as the one that got away. The one I let slip, no be pushed through my fingers.
He props his elbow on the table, then palms his chin. “Anyway, it’s all water under the bridge for us now, Kat. We both have our own lives, and we’re happy. Right?”
“Right,” I lie, chest caving in after getting the answer to the question I didn’t even get out of my mouth. “It’s all water under the bridge, Tommy.” For him. “I just wish I knew Edison was such a bastard before he pulled that stunt… a lowdown, dirty one.”
“Lowdown dirty sounds like a drink I should have Nevaeh concoct one of these days. It’ll look like Edison, muddy brown and most definitely bad-tasting.”
“Most drinks taste bad to me anyway, but it should be a hit with the customers if you have anything to do with it.”
I already have a bad taste in my mouth. Stomach queasy, I place both hands flat on the table, no longer can sit here having small talk with him knowing it’s not going anywhere. Not when I’d rather be talking dirty under the sheets to him.
“Well, Tommy, it was good to talk to you again. I have to go.”
I get up from my seat. No reason to stay in Arrow. Don’t want to since I was incorrect—Arrow isn’t my home. Never was. Tommy is… not anymore. Hasn’t been for a long time. Won’t be again at this rate. I’m just going to have to get used to that, too.
He stands up, keeping to his side. “It was good to see you again, too. Have a safe trip back to London.”
The three feet between us feels as wide as a chasm. I hate it with a passion, want to correct it. It’s not natural.
“I…” I miss you so much, Tommy, but a sudden lump in my throat restricts me from saying that.
It wouldn’t be fair to burden him with my feelings or my needs when he clearly doesn’t have any for me anymore, so I swallow mine. They go down but promise to come back up later at another inopportune time, mercifully.
“I wish you and your family the best, Tommy.”
He nods, as if I was a stranger on the street, and pain spikes in my chest right where my heart should be. “I’ll let them know you send your regards, Kat. Do the same for me to Edna and Daniel.”
My parents are going to love to know that Tommy isn’t the man I thought he was all these years. They never did think that.
“I’ll do that… bye.” I rotate around, stumbling away while heaving my purse up on my trembling shoulder, my world tilting on its axis again.
“Wait, Kat!” Tommy demands, after I’ve covered half the distance to the door.
Relief floods my chest. I don’t want him to let me go a second time.
I swivel around. “Yeah?”
“Your food. It should be done by now. I’ll go get it. Wait at the door for me.”
Misery, coming in hot and heavy, propels the relief I felt right back to wherever the hell it came from. It’s like I’m not leaving fast enough for him. At this point, I’m not going quick enough for me either.
“Okay.”
I beat it to the door, loitering at the sign with Seat Yourself Tuesday and logging into my Uber account to request a driver.
Orion calls.
I ignore him, putting the phone back in a deep crevice of my bag. He’ll want the dirty details of my visit in Arrow. I can’t explain and not lose it.
He calls again.
I stare at nothing outside the glass. How much time passes before Tommy nudges my arm with a takeout tray in a plastic bag, I don’t know.
I swing around, unable to look him in the eyes while extracting my wallet from my purse. “How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing, Kat. I’ve always fed you for free. You’re offending me again.” How was I to know that hadn’t changed between us too?
I don’t seem to know how to do anything else but insult when it comes to Tommy. Obviously, he’s much better off without me, and he knows it.
“Sorry.” I sound pitiful to my own self, the times he fed me from his own hands replaying in my skull, hurting me.
What would it take to forget? Forget him? Find another level in my life to live on where he doesn’t reside in my heart? I’m still stuck… on him—the trip to prove he didn’t affect me anymore a wasted effort.
I take the tray from his hands. “Thank you.”
“When are you going back to London?” he asks out of nowhere.
I cradle the food to my stomach with both hands and inspect the buttons on his coat. “Tomorrow. I came to represent my company at Devlin Landry’s wedding.”
“And thought of me while you were here, huh?” he quips.
I can hear the smile in his voice, then look up to see it formed on his lips, for the last time. Torturing myself.
“I always think of you, Tommy.”
His eyes widen in astonishment. “Really?”
“I never stopped lov…”
Remember you’re not supposed to burden him with your emotions, Kat. Your load to carry.
“I missed being friends with you. My days were always better when you were in my life.” That’s not so bad, right?
He swallows hard, his smile vanishing again, whenever I mention my feelings. The sack in my hands becoming interesting to him, suddenly.
“Same here, Kat.”
The muted blow of a horn behind me filters through the glass. I glance back at the compact four-door matching the car assigned to pick me up and waiting at the end of the walkway under the canopy. “I have to go.”
He steps back in my side view. “Okay. Stop by again for something to take on the plane with you. You’ll have to sneak it in your purse though. If you get caught, you’re on your own. My word against yours. I can’t do hard time.”
The chasm separating us widens. I snicker at his wisecrack, unwillingly. Don’t want to laugh or cry or feel. All impossible to avoid when near Tommy. With him, I always experience everything. Highs when he’s with me. Lows when he’s not. And everything in between now that I mean little to him. This time, I make eye contact with him, memorizing every detail of his face, his mood, what he’s wearing. Freezing him in time again.
I wave goodbye, then circle around to leave. The walk to the Uber is jaded. Nothing matters. Nothing touches me. Not even the sun’s powerful rays or the mountain’s cool breeze playing in my hair. My nerves are deadened. It’s better this way when I have no home. Anywhere.
At the house, I stroll the lane behind the couch into the sunny kitchen with wall to wall windows, leaving the food on the breakfast nook’s table in the corner before backtracking to the front room, heading up the staircase I passed on my way through the door. Upstairs, I undress, letting my clothes, dusk, and many tears cover the floor in my bedroom of three. The other two, the masters and one meant to be my older brother’s room, who died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, are empty. Mine is furnished with oak furniture and floral accessories from my last decorating spree here. When I return Orion’s numerous calls, I’ve sat on the edge of the bed in my underwear for hours, mourning Tommy and what lays ahead of me. More years without him.
Orion answers on the second ring. “Jeez, Kat, I’ve called you ten times since I texted you back and you didn’t respond. I was starting to worry. How did it go?”
I fist the bedspread beneath me. “I shouldn’t have come here, O. I was so wrong about Tommy. About everything. He’s single, still the same, and… and innocent.”
My eyes burn with fresh pain building and needing an outlet, but I’m not going to cry anymore. Should be all cried out, but I’m not.
There’s some shuffling on Orion’s end, as if he’s getting comfortable on the couch in his office that he often naps on during his trying days. “Tell me what happened?”
“Nothing. Ev… everything. I talked to Tommy. He didn’t cheat. I could see the truth in his eyes. Edison set us both up. He borrowed Tommy’s car, parked it at Benita’s, then—” The rest of my words stick in my throat.
“Then he took you there to see it,” he finishes for me.
“Yes. I should’ve gotten out of the car that day and knocked on her door like I wanted to. I didn’t because I didn’t want to embarrass myself.”
“Edison wouldn’t have let you out the car. The game would’ve been up if he had. He’d have been embarrassed… and a liar. You and Tommy would’ve known what he was up to then and”
“We would still be together,” I cut in. “But I don’t know that, O. Tommy’s still heated about what Edison did, but he didn’t…” I can’t say ‘he didn’t want me back’ when feeling rejected is bad enough.
“Talk it out, Kat,” Orion encourages.
Talking it out takes some preparation and quite a few seconds to do.
“He doesn’t want me. Didn’t even ask if we could be friends again. You don’t just let people you love walk away if you still love them. Why didn’t I get out of the car that day?”
“Because you were heartbroken and you believed your eyes.”
“What Edison wanted me to see, you mean.”
“Exactly. Who questions what they see? Our eyes aren’t supposed to trick us.”
“They didn’t, O. Tommy’s car was there just like Edison said it was. The douche just forgot to mention that he parked it there.”
“That’s right, Kat. Tommy’s car was there, but Edison wouldn’t have let you find out that Tommy wasn’t. Besides, you were only twenty-six, with the world laid out for you in black and white. You knew you didn’t need a cheater. That’s a gray area, a hurtful one that would’ve distracted you from your future. It was bright and promising then, and even if it wasn’t, you had every right to protect yourself from Tommy.”
“That’s what I thought I was doing when I refused to let him explain. I would’ve taken him back.” Loved him too much to be around him for long and not want him in every way.
Orion exhales loudly. “I know, and we were both wrong about Tommy. He and I weren’t the best of friends, but I could have easily asked him what happened, then relayed what he said to you. I didn’t because I didn’t think anyone was so damn manipulating as my mother and, for the record, Kat, people let their loved ones walk away all the time. It’s because they love them that they let them go. Sometimes, holding on is the worst thing for everybody. If they come back, then they’re meant to be in your life.”
“Tommy didn’t come back today, O. It wouldn’t have been the worst thing for me if he held on to me before I left his restaurant, but it might’ve been the worst thing for him. He acted like I was a stranger and I don’t think straight around him even now. I think I’m even more selfish when it comes to him because I haven’t even thought about how we would have a long-distance relationship if we did get back together. With me so far away in London and him here, I guess I should’ve walked away today.” Again.
“Yeah, well, Kat, I’m selfish too. I’d hate to lose my best friend and colleague, but if he makes you happy and ever says he wants you back, I’ll let you go with a glowing reference to one of my associates in the states. It’s the least I can do for you… for your happiness.”
Happy, I’ll never be again. Setting Tommy free is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Harder in fact. I couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t do it again thus I can’t stay in Arrow. Those limitations of mine are shrinking, it seems.
“O, let me call you back. I need to find a hotel room in Spindle or Aspen… anywhere but here. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw them both together and I need to wash off this day.”
“Kat,” he starts.
Before he can delve any deeper into my psyche, I intersect, “I’m fine. I just… know my limitations. I can’t be this close to Tommy when he’s not mine, especially when I know I’m the reason why… and that he’s still the perfect man for me.”
“You’re not the damn reason you and Tommy aren’t together!” he launches into the phone. “Edison is! What you should do is find that festering piece of shit and give him a piece of your mind. I sure as hell will if I ever see him again.”
“He’s already suffering, married to the same girl whose house he parked Tommy’s car at. She wanted Tommy before I was even in the picture.” Now, I’m completely outside of the frame and Benita of all fucking people is happy. “She’s also in the range of my strength for beating someone to death. I have the nagging suspicion that she had something to do with my heartbreak right along with Edison. From what Tommy told me, she wants the rest of the men in Arrow too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what Edison was up to back then and was the one who gave him a ride back to his car so he could drive to my house with his bullshit, but I’m not dwelling on this any longer. The past belongs in the past. That’s where Tommy wants it to stay.” Where I have to relegate him to as well before I lose my mind.
“Are you sure, Kat?”
“Y-yes. He didn’t give me any signal that he wanted anything else to do with me after today… other than feed me, but that’s what he does, makes his living doing, and I should leave things right where they are between us for my own sanity. I’m gonna grab my bag and call an Uber. By the time it gets here, I should have found somewhere to stay for the night. I’ll see you day after tomorrow, and I’m going to be happy with my lot. It’s all I got.” If I say that enough times, maybe it’ll come true.
“If that’s what you want, that’s what I want to. I do wish things had turned out differently for you though. I’m sorry it didn’t.”
“Me too, O.”
“Call me when you get where you’re going… or if you just need to talk again.”
“You know I will.”
“When you get home, I’ll give you a big hug and take you out to dinner.”
“I’m going to need that hug for sure. Dinner has to be a big fat cheeseburger with everything on it and onion rings… and ice cream to last the whole weekend while I cry in my yoga pants.”
He laughs. Maybe he thinks I’m playing.
“I’m serious, O.”
“I got you, Kat. I always do.”
“I know. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’d survive. Your backbone wouldn’t let you do anything else. Bye... and don’t forget to call me when you get wherever the hell you’re going,” he stresses.
“I will. Bye.”
The second I hang up, the doorbell rings. Who has discovered that I’m in Arrow?