Chapter Fifteen

Reagan

 

Striking camp was quick and easy with Luke. By the time I was done, too, Luke already had a fire going and dinner ready. He’d also set up collapsible chairs and a blanket in front of it.

Comfortable weather, good food, and gorgeous views. This was kind of nice.

Or it would have been, if the knots in my stomach had not worsened and multiplied. I hated it. I also hated the awkward silences and the way we were tiptoeing around the elephant snorting between us. Plus, I had so many more questions about suppressing the shifter instincts, but I couldn’t bring myself to grovel.

But worry about Cassidy was adding to the knots. I’d been worried before, and now I was doubly concerned. I almost told Luke what she’d said about trying not to give in to the animal.

Damn, should I bring it up? Would he know what to do?

Not to mention, he’d stirred up worries about my papers again. Between his bland tone and pointed look, I had the sinking worry Luke was on to me. Or was I just being paranoid?

Ugh, I couldn’t take much more of this.

“Sandy packed marshmallows,” he said and held up a bag. “Hero to all.”

My heart twisted. Luke was trying harder than I was—I had to give him that.

“Sandy’s in charge of food and supplies for you and Rett, right?” I asked, thinking of the curvy, white-haired shifter with warm brown eyes I’d met the first week. “She’s nice.”

“Yeah, she’s great,” Luke said and gave me a small smile.

Silence fell, and I didn’t know how to break it. For the thousandth or possibly the millionth time since last night, I wondered, Why did you make me come on this trip, Luke?

Then I winced as my mind flashed back to the night before.

Luke, on his knees, his head in his hands and twisted up with pain. Pain I had caused.

“Is that what we’re having for dinner?” I asked brightly, a minute too late, as I tried to distract myself and stifle this awful silence.

“No, you need to eat something more substantial,” Luke said with a vague seriousness. “You should have told me you had blood sugar issues, Reagan.”

“They’re not serious!” I said. “I just get woozier faster than normal people.” And weaker.

God, it was getting harder and harder to stay furious with him.

Except for the jabs of my conscience, dinner was comfortable, if a little too quiet. I wasn’t sure why I was being so stubborn about holding back everything I needed to say. Especially the apology. But it was like every time I went to apologize, the words shriveled up in the face of my anger. Deep down, too, I wanted to get Luke to admit that it was wrong to try and make me leave when I’d just gotten comfortable. He shouldn’t have said those things to me.

Either way, I stayed up far too late thinking about it, and I overslept the next day. What followed was more of the same, hiking and more hiking. Ocean, trees, and birds. Occasional snippets of conversation, but mostly silence, where Luke looked content, and inwardly I was raging.

Another late night did not lead to a late morning, but one where I was up before the sun rose. Unable to sleep, I’d finally crawled out of my tent and sat on a chair, staring up at the stars as they faded away. When Luke finally woke up, rustling around and making my stomach pinch with guilt, I’d almost rushed back to my tent. But there was no way he wouldn’t hear me.

Luke clambered out and stretched, then stopped, mid-stretch, when he caught sight of me. “Rea, how long have you been up?” he asked in genuine surprise, his voice rough from sleep.

“Not that long,” I lied and huddled deeper into my hoodie.

Spring was here, but it was still so damn cold. Luke offered me his hoodie again, but I refused. More than once in the coming hours, I would regret that.

Each step was a misery that day, as the day dragged, and so did I. Of course, Luke picked up on it, and we set up camp earlier than usual. I wanted to tell him not to, but I couldn’t muster the energy. Camp was on a sheltered hill with a break in the trees at its base, overlooking a stretch of glittering inlets and mountains. While he gathered firewood, I stood and stared out.

With each passing day, the beauty around me had faded. Tonight, it was wasted on me.

Something sharp ached in my chest, and I closed my eyes. Even after I’d found peace, found Winfyre and a home, my life was still fractured. Cassidy was still angry, and I was still lost.

Lost, in the middle of the woods with a wolf shifter who’d claimed me.

A wolf shifter who’d saved my life twice, while I’d ridden roughshod over his.

Also, this trip was making it apparent that in many ways, Luke and I were still strangers. Our lives overlapped, but our secrets didn’t. And I was getting tired of keeping mine.

This is why I keep lashing out at Luke, I thought miserably. Even though he doesn’t deserve it.

My thoughts grew darker. Sharp, broken pieces of myself that jabbed with each breath. Suddenly, the pain gave way, and a sob escaped me. I rubbed my arm across my face, trying to stifle it before Luke got back. Finally, I pushed myself out of the chair and paced, trying to get a grip.

Too late.

“Rea?” Luke asked.

I tried to make a break for my tent, but he caught me and spun me half around.

“I’m fine,” I gritted out.

“You’re crying.” His fingers tightened on my arm. “What happened? What is it?”

“Nothing,” I said. “It’s nothing. I’m going to go to bed.”

“No,” Luke said and tugged me back towards the fire. “You’re not. You’re going to tell me what’s wrong.”

I relented and avoided his gaze. He sat me down as I tried in vain to stop my ridiculous choking sobs. Why couldn’t I be normal around this man? Why couldn’t I apologize?

I was exhausted with all the stubbornness and anger. It was so stupid. There were far bigger and more serious problems at hand. Like my family. I couldn’t fall apart now.

“Here,” he said, and a cloth appeared in front of me.

I took it and mopped at my face. Luke hovered nearby, as though uncertain as to what to do.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked in a gentle voice that wrapped around me.

“No, I…I just…I forgive you.” Several deep breaths. “And I hope you can forgive me.”

Luke said nothing, and I chanced a look up at him. He looked staggered and tilted his head. “Wait, this is what you’re upset about?” His voice was thick. “Us?”

I balled up the tissue and nodded, hating the flutter in my chest at the word us.

“I’ve been causing you a lot of problems, and I didn’t want to admit that,” I said. “Even though you were a jerk, I was a bigger one.” I paused and worried my lip. “God, I’m so tired and sorry, I just—I don’t want you to fire me.”

“Fire you?”

“The claim,” I said in a low voice and looked down. “I don’t want to go.”

“Oh, Reagan,” he groaned. “Don’t you know by now you and I share a bad habit of saying stupid shit when we’re upset? And getting upset at stupid shit?”

I shook my head, sniffling, and Luke handed me another tissue.

“Well, we do,” he said quietly. “But I can’t deny I’ve been wondering if it’s a good idea to null the claim. Might keep you out of trouble.” I bit my lip. “Hard call, though.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” I said.

At first, the claim had been something unnerving and fetter-like, but now it was a comfort. I still wasn't sure what it entailed, completely, but knowing Luke had my back made me less afraid.

He didn’t respond, and I blurted out, “You’re the only thing that makes sense.”

The moment the words were out, a blaze went through my chest even as I cringed into the chair. Briefly, I wondered if someone could pass out from embarrassment.

But it was true.

I hadn’t realized how chaotic and stressful my life had become until Luke gave it some semblance of structure and safety. How the anxiety and nightmares faded in his presence.

Luke still hadn’t said anything, and I wondered if I’d gone too far. More tears leaked free.

Dammit.

“Come here,” Luke said gruffly, and suddenly I was being lifted into his arms as he picked me up and sat us down on the blanket in front of the fire. “Pain in my ass,” he muttered and settled me against him so I could cry on his shoulder. "Don't you know I'm not any good at this?"

“I thought you were good at everything,” I replied before I could help it.

Whatever Luke was going to say, he stopped himself and pulled me closer with a growl.

“Shut up,” he said. “Some quiet will do you good.”

Inhaling his masculine scent, I nodded and nestled closer. My eyes drifted up to the hard edge of his jaw and back down to his simple black shirt, stretched across his broad chest. Luke could be a quiet and overwhelming presence, but right now I let myself sink into that. Sturdy arms tightened around me, and I let out a soft sigh, closing my eyes.

“I am sorry, Luke,” I said. “It’s been eating at me for days. I shouldn’t have…with Cassidy, I don’t think, sometimes. I don’t know how to help her, and it’s so frustrating.”

“I understand,” Luke said, and I blinked my eyes open in surprise. A deep breath exuded from him, and his muscles moved against me. I shivered. “I’m sorry, too.”

“I like working for you,” I murmured.

“Of course you do,” Luke said. “Completely inappropriate relationship.”

“Mm, the best kind,” I said with a laugh.

“Reagan, listen, though,” Luke said, and his voice was tight. “You have to follow the rules—you can’t ever do that to me again. Please.”

I wanted to make that promise, but I hesitated.

“Reagan.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll do my best,” I said.

“I guess I’ll have to take that,” he said ruefully, and I settled against him, starting to nod off. “Are you falling asleep? Have you been sleeping?”

“No, not really. I’ve been awake and worrying,” I said and stifled a yawn. “You can relate.”

“What a pair we make,” Luke groaned, and I laughed, a little delirious.

“I’m glad you claimed me,” I said in a drowsy voice. All of the angst and pain of the last week lifted, and I could breathe again. Nor was I worried about Luke’s letting me go. “Not when you’re holding on this tight.”

“Am I?” Luke asked, and his grip loosened.

“No, the other way,” I half-slurred, and my head bobbed as I dozed. “Tighter. No letting go.”

I had to be dreaming.

I’d looked up and seen Luke looking down at me. His gaze had been soft and serious, thrumming with an intense affection. Eyes a vivid sky blue. One hand had lifted and brushed the hair off my face.

Shivering, I burrowed into his chest. Fingers tangled in my hair, and I thought my heart would implode from the wave of unexpected joy that hit me.

“Okay,” Luke said.