Chapter 21
Morgan
I stumble through the week, hardly sleeping and barely eating. My fuse is the shortest it’s ever been. One would think that feeling depressed wouldn’t push anger to the surface. I should have paid more attention in Psychology.
I’ve never been in an emotional upheaval like this before. I’ve been pissed and upset in the past, but I’ve never felt so raw, not even when I suspected Alex was sleeping with other girls.
What does that say about me? About my feelings towards Nate? I was with Alex for years and never felt anything remotely close to what I feel for Nate.
Of course, I can’t have him. I don’t sail through life smoothly navigating the waters. I literally crash into things and make a constant spectacle of myself.
The things I touch often turn to shit—the opposite of the Midas Touch. It’s the Morgan Touch. I knew Nate was out of my league. This is what I get for thinking I could have him.
We don’t walk to class or have lunch with one another the entire week. He doesn’t ignore me, but he doesn’t go out of his way to make conversation.
Sometimes, I feel like he’s staring at me in class, but I ignore it. He’s probably trying to decipher what he ever saw in me. I should tell him that no one can look away from a train wreck.
Luckily, I have little down time to wallow in my mess. I have more work hours now that the indoor intramurals have started.
I keep score and keep the books for indoor tennis and basketball. When there are no games, I work the front desk or do paperwork for Coach Daniels.
I’ve saved a decent amount of money since I haven’t spent a penny of it. But it’s still not enough. I bit the bullet and filled out an application for a credit card and my mom agreed to be on the account with me. At least she’s coming through on her promise to help me.
She’s also questioning me constantly about Alex and his family. I tell her I have it handled; she knows I don’t.
I texted Alex yesterday to ask how he was feeling. He’s home now and I don’t know how he’s handling so many back-to-back emergencies. He responded immediately and sounded positive about his progression.
It’s like he forgot that he almost died when he tried to propose to me. Surely, that would put a damper on someone’s mood. Can he not see that I’m like a bad luck voodoo doll? One that is miserably trying to extract itself from his grasp?
I talked it out with Elizabeth for the umpteenth time. She helped me formulate a plan of sorts. I’m going to try to be a good friend to Alex right now because lord knows he needs one. We’ll take this day-by-day and, once I feel like he is in a good place again, I’ll set him free.
I’m ashamed to admit that I feel sort of relieved that Nate’s not waiting on me, that I no longer feel pressured to drop one for the other. I’m no longer stuck in the middle.
I’m stuck in the sense that I can’t end it with Alex yet, but I don’t feel like I’m on anyone’s time table or that I’m letting anyone else down. It’s not like I was good enough for Nate, anyway.
It doesn’t mean my heart isn’t broken. It is. Nate is the first good thing to come into my life in a long time. And I wanted to keep him. Yet, I still managed to muck it up.
I bury myself in my school work. Since I don’t have Nate helping me in history any longer, I feel the need to double down on the amount of time I devote to that class. Before I know it, it’s Sunday and time for another meeting with Dr. Fishel.
I feel sick, thinking about how awkward the trip could become. My anxiety rises the closer I get to Harrelson. Fishel’s holding the meeting in one of the lecture classrooms.
As I enter, I can see Maya—or as Rebecca has dubbed her, Tits McGee—opening the door to the room. As usual, she’s in heels and overdressed for the occasion. I wonder if she even owns a pair of tennis shoes.
When I walk through the doorway, I see the students have grouped together down in the front. It’s stadium-style seating and I can easily pick out Nate’s location. He barely fits in the seat.
Maya has taken the seat next to him and a violent surge of jealousy pulses through my veins. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
Nate’s not mine. He can sit with whomever he chooses. I’m just sad that we’re at a point where we can’t even walk to a meeting together.
I move down the side aisle and enter two rows back, behind Nate and Maya. Penny, who is seated down at the end of my row, gets up and moves towards me.
I put on a big fake smile and pretend like all is good in the neighborhood. My smile turns brittle when I hear Maya speak.
“Thank you so much for putting that list together for me, Nate. It was so sweet of you. I’ll look over it and start prioritizing things I want to see. This trip is going to be amazing, I just know it.”
Her smile is wide and her hand is on his forearm. My smile is a sneer. Funny how we’re both baring our teeth for entirely different reasons.
“It was no problem. I had some time, no biggie,” Nate replies.
He had some time. No biggie. He’s helping Maya now, researching and doing things for her like he was doing for me. I can’t sit through this meeting.
I know he’s not mine, but this hurts. Being replaced hurts. I start to get up when Penny puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, Morgan.”
“Hey.”
“I tell ya, I am counting the days until we’re wheels up. This semester is sucking the life out me. Not that the others don’t, but I think I have spring fever and it’s only November.”
“I’m right there with you, Penny. This has been the roughest one yet.”
“Hey, you wanna come over for a beer later?” he asks.
“Oh, I—”
“Good afternoon, everyone,” Dr. Fishel’s voice interrupts.
I lift my head to give Fishel my attention and notice that Nate has turned around in his seat. He’s glaring at Penny. What the hell?
“You guys ready for December 27th?” Fishel asks.
He gets some loud affirmatives and laughs. Nate shifts back to the front and Fishel continues the meeting. I don’t know what Nate’s deal is. He has a new project to focus on and it’s leaning against him right now. Fucking Octopus.
Instead of listening to Dr. Fishel, I imagine ripping off Maya’s arm and beating her with it. Right after I break the heels off her shoes and stab her eyeballs with them. Yes, that makes me feel better. Keep the violent sequence coming, imagination. You do good work.
We get a couple of handouts and are told to make sure we read everything thoroughly. We won’t meet again unless there are questions that need to be addressed with the group. Outside of that, we can email him.
I wonder if this is the last time I’ll see Nate until we board the plane. I don’t feel comfortable showing my face at Tau or going anywhere near his room.
We’re dismissed and I move quickly to get the hell out of there. Penny follows and speeds up to walk beside me as we exit the building.
“So?”
“So, what?” I ask.
“Beers, girl. Wanna come over and hang?”
“Oh, sorry. I can’t. I work tonight and still have a paper to finish. Another time?”
“That sucks. Hope you get all your shit done. We’ll hang some other time.”
I punch his shoulder and say, “Later,” taking the path towards the athletic center.
“Later, Morgan!” he shouts, as if I can’t hear him from five feet away.
I laugh and shake my head. Penny is fun. Maybe he’ll be my buddy during this trip.
Nate
I move fast so that I am close enough to overhear the conversation in front of me. Penny’s lucky she declined. If he starts to pursue Morgan, we’re going to have words. I really don’t want to have to beat the shit out of him. But I will.