Chapter 24
Morgan
I arrive home in Planters Grove late Tuesday night. I’m exhausted and I use it as justification to ignore the texts I’ve gotten from Alex asking if I wanted to hang out tonight.
Every conversation, which is mostly via text, has been basic. Normal. And in total avoidance of what was happening the second before he collapsed from the pulmonary embolism.
I’m petrified of walking into another proposal. Not that he ever truly proposed. But that’s twice now Alex has put the prospect of marriage in front of my face.
Does he not understand that girlfriends who are in love with their boyfriends typically don’t cut them off from sex? And boyfriends in love with their girlfriends typically don’t put them down?
I can’t handle this much longer—not that I’ve handled any of this very well, thus far. But a person can only take so much.
Eventually, once I’m lying in my bed for the night, I reply and tell him I am going to bed and I will come see him tomorrow.
I’m glad I don’t have to lie. I really am very sleepy. But I know I can’t avoid him forever. I’ll have to interact with him until I leave.
I don’t return to Persimmon until Saturday. Though, I do consider sneaking back on Friday. I want to be far away from here as fast as possible once the deed is done.
Jen’s threat is in the forefront of my mind. I think she was totally serious about coming here, if necessary. Should I be thankful or afraid?
Both. I’m both.
I toss and turn all night. Planning. Obsessing. Trying to script out how it’s going to go. I think my best option is to get through the holiday and then pay Alex a visit on my way back to school.
Which, I guess, has been my plan every time I’ve come home. And it’s always gone so well, huh, Morgan? Dummy.
What’s that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yup, knew I was crazy.
When I finally get up, my parents are gone. Dad’s at work and Mom’s at the grocery for last-minute supplies. Meredith isn’t coming, much to my mother’s dismay.
She has a new boyfriend and is going to his house. I try not to be jealous, but I fixate on what it would be like to spend a holiday with Nate.
I run by Gram’s for a quick visit and then head over to Alex’s. I hope his parents are out working on the farm. I haven’t seen or spoken to Agnes since she said those horrible things to me in the hospital. I’m not looking forward to seeing her again.
Alex is at the door when I pull up, like he was waiting for me. He’s still got some sort of contraption around him for his arm.
His coloring is good again and he smiles when he sees me. It makes me tense. I’m not interested in smiles from Alex. I’m also not interested in staying the bitch I know I’ve become. I concentrate on trying to act pleasant and polite, despite my true feelings. It’s the Southern way.
I expect him to hug me, but I don’t expect his attempt to kiss me when I reach him. I instinctively turn my head and his nose hits my cheek. Hello, gracelessness. Way to start the visit.
“I missed you,” he says against my face.
My body decides to reject his words. Instead of appreciating the sentiment, I feel like I’m going to hurl. There’s no way I’m going to be able to pretend. I’m so tired of pretending. Can I make it just a little longer?
“Uh, thanks. You look good, Alex.”
My response is awkward as shit.
He finally lets go and moves aside so I can enter the house.
“I have brunch ready in the dining room.”
I don’t want to be rude and tell him I already ate, so I obediently follow him into the formal dining area. There’s a massive spread on fancy serving ware awaiting us.
Since when do the Sanfords do fancy brunch? Especially when Thanksgiving’s tomorrow? They should put their efforts on the holiday, not an afternoon social call.
Alex sits at the head of the table. I take the seat to his right which is already set. He removes lids one at a time with his working arm. Then, miraculously, I witness him serving me, while asking about my drive and how classes are going.
He’s been replaced by body snatchers. It’s the only plausible explanation. This is not the Alex I know.
The Alex I know doesn’t serve anyone. Nor does he show any sort of interest in others. Ever. I think I’ve entered the Twilight Zone.
I half listen to him talk about all the new things happening with the horses. I’m preoccupied with what’s on my plate. They’re all my favorites. Crisp waffles, bacon, potato cakes. Alex hates potato cakes.
My muscles are stiff, like I can’t relax. Then my thoughts catch up to my physical reaction. Time seems to stop as I realize it’s another set-up.
Johnny Asks-a-lot is going to go for it a third time. I put my elbows on the table and bury my face in my hands. I can’t do this anymore.
“Morgan? Babe? What’s wrong?”
I take my hands off my face. Laughter bubbles up at the absurdity of it all. What the hell have I been doing for three months? Christ, for the past five years?
We haven’t so much as shared a peck on the lips in close to sixteen weeks. We barely communicate on the phone. Is his ignorance so great that he actually thinks I’m going to say yes?
“What’s so funny?” he asks.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
I sigh. Loudly. Alex looks at me with confusion on his face. I once thought that face was so handsome. Now, I kind of want to smack it, hard enough so the ignorance gets knocked loose.
“Alex, why am I here?”
“Uh, to have brunch with me.”
I roll my eyes.
“That’s not what I’m asking. Why am I here? Why all this?” I point to the spread of food.
“Well, we wanted this to be special, I guess.”
“We?”
“Mom and I. We planned it.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm starting to brew inside me.
“Planned what, Alex?”
He gives me a look, as if I’m the one that’s gone batshit crazy. Then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out that fucking black box and I know that I’m done. This moment, right here, I’m done.
Somehow, the guilt releases its hold. It’s quickly replaced by something light and fizzy, like I’m a little high. It fuels me, offering momentary precision of thinking.
I don’t have to pretend anymore. I shouldn’t pretend anymore. Hell, I shouldn’t even be here right now. I haven’t even said the words yet and I already feel like I am free.
I simply do not have the energy to give a shit for one more second. In fact, I don’t really feel much of anything accept the desire to get in my car and drive away.
“Morgan—”
“No,” I interrupt. I stand quickly, wanting to make it clear that I’ll not sit through this.
Alex’s face falls. “What do you mean no?”
“Alex, don’t. Don’t do this. You don’t want to marry me. Not really. You’re clinging to something we lost years ago. You feel alone right now and I feel terrible about that. But this,” I motion between us, “this is not going to work out. It’s gone.”
“But we can get it back. I know we can, Morgan. Please, give this a chance.”
“No! Do you ever listen? We haven’t been in a real relationship in months. Years, probably. I’ve let it go on too long. We’ve both let it go on too long. All those breaks we took should have told us something, Alex.”
“Well—”
“And I’m sure as hell not living out my life here in Planters Grove. That’s not my future. Never has been.”
I walk out of the dining room and Alex follows. He grabs my arm, not gently, and I have to stop my fist from connecting with his face. He doesn’t stop me when I pull my arm away.
“You never said you weren’t coming back here, Morgan. You never really said much of anything about what you want. I assumed you’d come back and we’d figure it out.”
“I know, and that’s completely my fault. I should have been honest with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t. But can you look me in the eye and tell me you’re in love me? That you want to devote the rest of your life to me? That you are certain, beyond a doubt, that I am your other half? Can you do that?”
Alex presses his mouth into a flat line. He’s thinking and, interestingly, he doesn’t look all that upset. He bows his head and whispers, “No.”
Another flourish of emotion floods my system, overloading me with relief. If he had said yes, this would have been so much harder on him. And on me.
But hot damn and hallelujah, the boy does not love me! Finally, some goddamned clarity.
I feel so foolish for allowing this to drag out like it has. I ended it and the world is still spinning. Hell, he’s not even protesting. How fucking anticlimactic.
I step close to Alex’s body and wrap my arms around him. I hug him for all the things we were when we were younger, for every golden moment we shared in our teens.
Alex, after a brief hesitation, hugs me firmly in return. This last moment is sweet release for me. I hope it’s the same for him. I kiss his cheek.
“I hope you find that one person that’s meant for you, that wants to be a part of this life you’re building here. I truly do.”
Alex nods, but he doesn’t look at me.
“Goodbye, Alex.”
I don’t wait for a reply. I pivot and walk out the front door. I let go of the rope.