Chapter Nine
Diego
Standing in front of my congregation, I look out at all the expectant faces waiting for words of wisdom inspired by God, but that’s not what they’re getting today. I’m silent for a moment as my eyes search for Julia. She’s near the back, but she smiles, sending me encouragement.
“Buon giorno, tutti.” The audience murmurs their ‘hello father’s’ to me. “Today’s message is likely going to be a bit unexpected. It’s about reconciliation, but I’m not going to talk to you about why you should do it, or how, or what to expect. It’s my reconciliation. I’m going to confess to all of you.” I hear a few gasps and whispers as I pace the small platform. I’m hit with a flashback of me and Julia in this very spot. “My confession, children, is that I’ve been weak. I have failed the expectations of my calling. I have let the secular world infiltrate my spiritual one.”
I look around at the shocked faces, before continuing. “Most of you don’t know much about me or why I became I priest. My journey to this moment started twenty some years ago. I was the child of a single mother, a loving mother who left this earth too soon. Even as a boy I deeply felt her loss in my life. She was my entire world, and then one day, she was gone.” I exhale slowly, taking a moment to center myself. “I was left with my aunt and uncle who did the best they could with a child they never planned for. I always felt sort of lost and like I didn’t have a place of belonging, and then one day when I was sixteen, I looked into the prettiest eyes I had ever seen and I fell in love.” I smile. “Now you know why I’m such a believer in love at first sight, if you sought that counseling from me.” A few people laugh softly. “My love story that day was cut short. That girl with the pretty eyes was abruptly taken away, just like my mother. From that point I believed that the things and people I loved would always leave me. I believed I wasn’t worthy enough to receive love, so I did things to replace that loss. I drank too much and I did drugs and I partook in sins of the flesh.” The crowd is completely silent watching me, so I shift my eyes to Julia, who smiles with pure love on her face, giving me the strength to continue. “This behavior went on for many years until God intervened. He sent me a man who taught in seminary. That man sat with me that day and told me all that I could find in the arms of the church, and so I followed him. I devoted my life to God, and I became a priest. It was hugely satisfying to me to have found a community where I belonged. It felt so good to leave that sinful life behind. He saved me that day.”
I twist to glance at the crucifix behind me, then back to the congregation. “I was happy on some level, but I struggled deeply with loneliness. You see, I never got over the girl with the pretty eyes. She was in my dreams sometimes. I prayed to be released from my thoughts of her, but that prayer was never granted. A few months ago, that girl, now a woman, walked back into my life. I was so happy, but now I was a priest. I had taken vows. I wanted us to be friends, but in just a few hours in her presence, I realized that wasn’t going to be possible. I loved her still.” When I shift my eyes up, the crowd watches me intently. “I sought counseling. I loved being a priest in this community. I didn’t want to give it up, but I knew I had a hard choice to make. It was her or the church. My friends, I confess to you now that I broke a vow. I gave in to my desire for her.” Soft gasps and chatter fill the small sanctuary with more than a few subtle glances in Julia’s direction. I raise my hand to calm them. “I’m telling you this for more than one reason. I’ve told you before that priests are just as mortal and flawed as you are. We are not immune to human emotion. You might think I’m going to tell you about the guilt and shame I felt, but you’re wrong. In her arms, I felt reborn. Not in the spiritual sense, but as a man. I knew I was exactly where I should be. It was still difficult. The conflict of wanting both worlds clung to me like a heavy rainfall. I knew, of course, a decision was needed, and so I made one.” I look out at the faces before me, so many of whom have sought comfort for the same issues I bare today. I’ve seen marriages, births, baptisms, and deaths among the families sitting here today. Some are looking at me with awe, some disapproval, but most with curiosity.
“My children, you have been a wonderful part of my life and I will never forget it, but as of today, this will be the last mass I conduct. I have resigned my post as father of your church.” Silence falls over the crowd. “I have chosen to live the rest of my days in the arms of the woman I love. I have made peace with my decision and actions that led to this point, and I believe I have been showered in unending mercy.” I smile. “I also believe, as I have counseled many of you, that our Lord hears our prayers, He knows our hurts, and wants His children to be happy. It may have been an unusual path I took, but I believe in my heart, that I was led here to you, and ultimately led back to her. I thank you all for welcoming me into your lives, for the support you’ve given me over the years, and for the kindness I’ve been shown. I wish you all happiness and that you may know God’s eternal love in your life.”
Several people begin to clap, surprising me. I wait for a moment for everyone to quiet down. “A replacement for my position will be arriving tomorrow. I’ll be vacating the apartment upstairs later today. If you have questions for me, I’ll be available for a short time after mass. Thank you.”
I return to my seat and sit while the deacons continue with mass. When it’s communion time, I continue to sit until a deacon comes to me.
“Father Montesanto, several people have requested to take communion from you, if you will.”
“Oh.” I stand and smile. “Of course.”
I walk to the front and take my wafers and wine as a line forms behind me. Each person that comes to me smiles, offers words of encouragement, or blesses me. It’s overwhelming, but amazing. I look up for the next person and see Julia. She crosses her arms over her chest.
“I don’t want communion, Father, but I would like a blessing.”
“Yes, child, anything in particular?”
“Whatever your heart leads you to give.”
I make the sign of the cross over her. “May the Lord bless you as you enter the next chapter of your life. May He guide and protect you, and may His continued blessings wrap you in His eternal love.” I smile at her. “May you know that you are loved with the glory of a thousand heavens, by your Father above and by the man in front of you.”
She makes the sign of the cross. “Thank you, Father. That was beautiful and inspired.”
She turns away from me and I return my attention to the next person until the line is gone and mass is over. I stand at the back of the church, greeting and fielding questions. Sister Louisa approaches me, smiling. She was not as surprised as I expected when she learned my news.
“You are brave to share your story with us, Father. I believe you inspired many.”
“Inspired how?”
“What I have always appreciated about you is your openness and willingness to expose your struggles. It makes everything we do here more approachable I believe.”
“Well, thank you, Sister. I didn’t feel after spending years of my life here I could simply disappear without saying anything. Especially since I’m just moving down the street.”
She laughs softly. “Will you live with her?”
“Yes, but I hope our time as an unmarried couple is short.”
“That is wonderful. I wish you well, Father.”
I smile. “Diego.”
She nods. “Diego.”
∞∞∞
“How did I do?” I lift Julia’s hand to my lips and place a soft kiss on it. “Was it okay?”
“Brilliant. I’m so proud of you, Diego.”
“I want you to be proud of me as your man.”
“I couldn’t be more proud.”
“Did you talk to Sister Louisa about your options?”
“I did. She’d like me to stay on for the rest of the restoration, but she understands if we decide to leave town.”
I nod. “About that. I had an idea and I talked to Cristof about it last night. I wanted to sit with it for a bit before I told you about it and see how it felt.”
“Okay.”
“In my time as priest, I’ve learned a lot about the human condition and how to manage the trials we all face.”
“Of course.”
“When I thought about what I most enjoyed in my work, it was helping people feel better. Helping them find peace.” She nods. “So, I thought about what I could do as a profession where that was still part of it.” I play with her fingers. “I’ve decided to continue to counsel people, namely priests, struggling with their vocation.”
“Oh.” She smiles. “That’s good.”
“Who better to help than someone who’s been through it themselves?”
“Yeah.”
“And that’s work I can do anywhere. Even here.”
“So I can continue the restoration?”
“Is that what you want?”
“Very much.”
“Good. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
She throws her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. “I love you, Diego.”
“I know, Angel.”