Chapter Eight
Julia
I jump up at the knock at the door and swing it open, throwing my arms around Diego’s neck when I see him. He smiles. “Hi, Angel.”
“I’m so glad you’re back. What did you find out?”
“There’s a place we can go just for priests who might have this same concern.”
“Interesting.”
“Yes, the results will be received quickly. We can go tomorrow morning.”
“Okay. I’ll tell my mom.”
“I understand if you don’t want to be there.”
“Of course I’ll be there. To support you, not him. He can go to hell as far I care. If I believed in hell, which for the record I don’t.”
Diego taps his finger on my nose. “You’re cute when you’re pissed.”
“Don’t get all sexy on me right now. There’s no time for that.”
“Yeah, about that.” He wraps his arms around my waist. “I wasn’t sure if one last go before we know for sure would be good or completely indecent.”
“Completely indecent, and that’s coming from a girl who fucked you during confession.”
Diego laughs. “I probably shouldn’t be turned on by you anymore.”
“Maybe it’s a good sign that you are. Maybe our genes know that biologically we’re not related.”
“Maybe that’s it. How are you doing?”
“Not good. I keep bursting into tears. Poor Erika is finally sleeping after dealing with me for hours.”
“She’s a good friend.”
“The best. I need to call Katie, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to break her heart too.”
“Yeah, but she needs to know.”
“I’ll do it later. I can’t right now. How did it go with Cristof?”
“Good. He said he knew I would choose you. He saw it in me when I talked to him the first time.”
“Was he judgy?”
“No, not at all. He told me to talk to my bishop and resign.”
“Are you sure you want that? What if we’re—”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t go back to that life now. I can’t pretend I wasn’t as lonely as I was. Even if somehow I can’t be with you, it’s time for me to move on.”
“I’m proud of you, Diego.”
“I’m proud of you too. You really stood up to your dad.”
“I’ve had enough. I don’t know if we can repair our relationship. It depends on what he does next with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Either way, he has to accept you. Either as my lover or as his child. If he can’t do that and apologize for the damage he’s done, I don’t need him. I’m clear on this.”
“I don’t expect that from him.”
“I don’t either, and it’s okay. It is. I have plenty of love. I have Katie and Erika and I have you. I’m good.”
“You definitely have me.”
I study his face for a moment. “I want to show you something.”
“Sure.”
I reach to the end table and pick up my childhood journal. “This was mine when I was fifteen. Before the reunion I wrote about a dream I was having where a boy was running through the dark chasing something.” He nods. “After the reunion, I wrote about a boy named Diego with beautiful blue eyes who gave me my first kiss. I drew sketches of him for weeks, hoping my brain would never forget him.” I open the pages and show him. “Just so you know, Diego.”
He gazes at the pages, flipping them slowly. “These are amazing. It exactly captures that moment.” He meets my eyes. “You’re very talented.”
“Thank you.” I turn to the page where I sketched him holding my face between his hands. “I bring them everywhere with me. They comfort me, reminding me of a time when for just a few minutes, everything was perfect.”
“It feels amazing to see this. To know you’ve carried it around with you for ten years.”
“I’ve never let you go, Diego. I never will. No matter what happens next, we’ll figure out something. We have to.”
Diego pulls me into is arms. “We have to.”
∞∞∞
We walk into the non-descript building, clutching hands. When we enter the waiting room, my parents are already there. Dad jumps up, but I put my hand out to stop him.
“Don’t.”
He nods, but mom walks over to me. “Your sister is coming in. She should be here soon.”
“What?”
“Your father called her and told her everything. She got on the first plane to be here to support you.”
I immediately start to cry and Diego wraps his arm around my shoulder. I wipe my eyes and pull myself together. Diego won’t make eye contact with my dad, and I don’t blame him. It makes me sick being in the same room.
A man enters the room, looking at a chart. “Joseph Randall Caputo?”
Dad stands up. “That’s me.”
“Follow me, sir.”
He looks back at my mother before disappearing down a hallway. We sit quietly, waiting for news that could change my entire world. A few minutes later, the doors open and Katie rushes in. When she sees me, she hurries over and we hug, both of us bursting into tears. She stands back with her hands on my shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “No.”
She glances down at Diego and reaches for his hand. “I’m sorry.”
Diego shakes his head avoiding our tears. Katie walks over and speaks softly with my mom. A few minutes later, dad comes out of the room followed by the doctor.
“Diego Montesanto?”
Diego stands and starts to walk away, but I jump up and kiss him. “I love you.”
He nods. “I know. Never forget, Angel.”
“I won’t.”
He walks down the hall, and I cry into my sister’s shoulder.
“Julia?”
I look up at the sound of my dad’s voice. “What?”
“Can we talk?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m here for him. Not you.”
“I know. I want to apologize.”
“For what? Destroying my life? Destroying his? Go ahead. I’m sure it’ll help.”
His face turns red, and I know he’s angry, but my mother pats his arm and he exhales slowly. “I deserve your anger.”
“At least you own it.”
“I’m still your father.”
“Are you? Who knows.”
My mom looks at me. “Julia.”
“Maybe some woman you banged on the side dropped me off one day.”
“Stop it.”
“Or what? Huh, dad? What? You can’t ground me. You can’t spank me. What are you gonna do?” The tears start to flow again. “How could you do this to me? I was so happy.”
Katie pulls me close, glaring at our father. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“How could I possibly know that you would somehow find him? Twice! How could I know, Julia? What are the odds?” He stands and paces. “You think I did this on purpose? The last thing I ever wanted to do is tell you what I did. I lived in shame for so many years. You think I wanted this?”
I shake my head. “You’ve been mean my whole life. You didn’t want us. Mom did. You didn’t want kids. That’s why you wanted Diego’s mom to end it.”
“That’s not true. I did want you and your sister. I did. I do.”
“But not Diego. He wasn’t good enough for you? He was just your side chick’s child.”
“Stop, Julia,” mom pleads.
“How could you turn him away? He was a little boy losing his mother. You’re a stranger to me. I don’t even know you.”
“I love you, Julia. I always have. I love Katie too. I was weak and scared. I thought your mom was going to leave me, and I was terrified. I made bad decisions, and I’ve regretted them every day of my life.”
I shake my head, trying to block him out.
“Your mother forgave me, but I never forgave myself. Do you know why I go to church every Sunday?”
“Because it looks good. It makes people think we’re a happy family with good Catholic values.”
“No, Julia. I go because your mother told me that was the place I could release my guilt. She told me I could receive forgiveness.” He shakes his head. “But it never worked. I confessed and did all the things, but I could never forgive myself for what I did. All I had was this family. You girls and your mom. It was a shock to see you with him. Then and now.”
My mom touches my hand. “You can understand that, can’t you Julia?”
“I guess so.”
“I never meant to hurt you, Julia. Never.”
“Well you did. If Diego is your son, I’ll be devastated. I love him, dad.”
He glances at my mother then back at me. “I’m sorry. Deeply sorry.”
The doors open and Diego comes out. We all look at the doctor.
“We’ll have the results within a week. I’ll call as soon as they’re in.”
The five us shuffle out to the parking lot as an awkward silence falls over us. We all look at each other, but say nothing as we walk to different cars. Katie catches up with me.
“I told them I’m coming with you, if that’s okay.”
I nod as tears cloud my eyes. “Thank you for coming.”
“I couldn’t not be here.” She looks at Diego. “For both of you.”
Diego smiles. “Let’s go home.”
We climb in Diego’s tiny car and start the ride home. I stare out the window while Katie tells Diego what happened while he was back with the doctor. Diego squeezes my hand.
“I can let you be with your sister for a while.”
“No, stay with us. Please.”
“Are you sure?”
“She’s sure,” Katie says. “I want us to be together too. I want to get to know you a little. After all, no matter the outcome, you’re family.”
I twist around and look at my sister. “Thank you.”
“I love you, Julia.”
“I love you too.”
∞∞∞
The next morning, I stand in front of the window, looking out on the town below as it starts to come to life. The typical routine takes place as vendors set up their stands and people walk to the piazza. It’s just a normal day to everyone, but not for me. I glance back at the bed, happy Diego is finally asleep. We might be faced with some pretty difficult decisions soon, but right now, we can just enjoy the peaceful moments.
I approach the bed and sit on the edge next to him, lightly playing with his curls. He has the thickest black lashes I’ve ever seen on a man, but they bring a softness to all his masculine features. Soft stubble grows on his cheeks, bringing a smile to my face. He looks good freshly shaven, but he looks phenomenal like this. I lift up the blanket and slide in behind him, wrapping myself around his body. He’s warm and smells good, like fresh soap. He’s given up so much for me, and all I can do now is hope it wasn’t for nothing.
After a few minutes, he twists around in my arms, smiling. “A morning spoon session is a nice way to wake up.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “Morning, Angel.”
“Morning.”
“You okay?”
“Sort of. As good as I can be I guess.”
“Yeah.” He brushes a lock of my hair off my cheek. “You are so beautiful.”
“So are you.”
He laughs softly, but his smile fades as he focuses on my eyes. “Julia…”
“Yes?”
“If it’s true…” He exhales slowly.
“You can tell me anything.”
“I know.” He searches my eyes for a silent moment. “I want to stay with you. We can live here in Italy where no one knows us. We can adopt.” His eyes well with tears. “There has to be a way. I can’t lose you again.”
I cup his cheek as I lean in and kiss him softly. “We’ll figure something out.”
“I hope that’s true and you’re not disgusted by me like you were before.”
“I’ve never been disgusted with you. The situation was just overly stressful and I thought you were being torn away from me again. It wasn’t you, Diego. I love you.”
He nods but his eyes are still filled with sadness. “I have a confession.”
“To me?”
“Yeah. Last night I actually questioned my faith.” My eyes widen. “I wondered how it could be possible that I would find you again and you would come back to me and we would be in love, only to have something like this happen. I wondered if the healing I thought was from loving you, is really about fixing this secret your father kept all these years.”
“Did you come to a conclusion?”
“No, but I prayed, and I begged. I don’t know what will happen to me if you ever leave me.”
I scoot down so that my head is on his chest. “Neither do I.”
∞∞∞
The following day, I sit on the floor in the church trying to focus on my work, but it’s so difficult. All I can think about are the test results and what will happen if he’s really my brother. Can we really just pretend he’s not and go on with our lives? Do we sacrifice biological children just in case? Do we give up ever seeing our families again? I exhale loudly. Maybe that’s what we do. It somehow seems easier than leaving him.
“You okay?”
I look over at Erika. “Yeah.” My eyes tear as soon as I speak. “No.”
“Maybe you can take some time off.”
I shake my head. “And do what?”
“Hang out with Katie. Sight see. Get your mind off things.”
I nod, dipping my brush in water. “He thinks we can just pretend it’s not true if it is. He wants to stay together no matter what.”
She nods. “How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. Can you just ignore something because you want to? Will it just wear us down over time until we resent each other?” I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Want my opinion?”
“Of course.”
“I think you’re both putting a lot of energy into something that is still hypothetical. I know it seems like a good idea to be prepared for any outcome, but I think it’s just unnecessary stress. I think you both should enjoy the time right now and figure out the hard stuff later if it comes to that.”
I offer a slight smile. “You’re right. Maybe we should go do some touristy shit, now that we’re not getting it on constantly.”
“I wondered. No sex?”
“None. Too weird. We’re still sleeping in the same bed and a little bit of kissing, but that’s it.”
“And does it feel good still?”
“To kiss?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s perfect.”
Erika reaches over and squeezes my hand. “I have a really good feeling everything is going to work out.”
“I hope you’re right.”
A few hours later, I stand to leave, but pause in front of the altar remembering what went down there. I don’t feel bad about it all. I study the row of lit candles where people can light one and ask for a blessing. I don’t deserve one, but Diego does. Slowly, I walk to the altar, take a candle and light it, then press it into the hole in front of the statue of the Virgin Mary.
Gazing up, I wonder what I should say, but then decide to just follow my heart. “I’m not a great Catholic, I know. I’m not even sure what I believe, but what I know is Diego Montesanto is a good man. He only messed up because I tempted him, but I did so because of love. I love him.” I actually kneel and fold my hands. “So, God, if you’re listening, if you’re up there, if I could just ask for this one blessing. This one time. Please…” My voice cracks. “Please, just let us be together. Please don’t take Diego away from me.”
I stand and turn around to see Diego standing behind me. He smiles as I join him. “Were you praying?”
“I don’t know what I was doing. I guess I figured it couldn’t hurt.”
“No, it couldn’t. Ready for dinner?”
“Yeah. I told Katie we’d meet her in the piazza.”
“Perfect.”
We step outside and I let the sun shine on me for a moment. Right now, everything is perfect. I just hope it stays this way.
∞∞∞
“Angel? Wake up, sweet one.” I open my eyes to see Diego hovering above me. “Time to get up. They called.”
I sit straight up. “What happened?”
“They want us to come in.”
“I think I’m going to be sick again.” I jump out of bed and rush into the bathroom where I vomit what little I have in my stomach. Diego follows, rubbing my back.
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t think so. I was just starting to be able to block it out. Now it’s back. Four days of convincing myself it was going to be okay, but what if it’s not?”
He grabs my shoulders. “Listen to me, Julia. We have to be strong.”
“How? How are you handling this so well?”
“It’s all I can do. It’s not in my hands. It’s in God’s.”
“Stop, okay. No more God and fate and bullshit.” I wipe my eyes. “I can’t take it.”
“That’s fair, but remember when I told you that sometimes faith is comforting to people?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to believe in anything other than you and me being together. I don’t want to believe that I devoted my life to a God that would abandon me when I needed Him most. I want to believe that our lives were always connected and we were always meant to come back together. I want to believe that you chose your profession and I chose mine, but we were guided in our choices. I want to believe, my Julia, that you were always going to be my wife. I was always going to love you. You can call it anything you want. But I refuse to believe in anything other than my life with you in it. I refuse.”
“I’m trying. I even prayed and shit.”
“Let the blessing happen. You’re automatically assuming it’s going to be bad news.”
I nod, stroking his cheek. “I admire you. You’ve been dealt a blow this week, and you’ve held your head high in spite of it.”
“If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-six years on this planet, it’s how to work through grief and loss and pain.” He cups my chin. “I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anything.”
“Even the church?”
“Even the church.”
I search his eyes for a moment. “I guess we should go.”
“The sooner we get this over with, the better.”
∞∞∞
Katie, Diego, and I enter the clinic and sit down. My parents come in a few minutes later, and dad looks pale and exhausted. After ten minutes, the doctor comes out and leads all of us into a private meeting room.
“Please have a seat,” he says. We all sit around the large rectangular table. The doctor lifts a manila folder. “The results have come back.” He opens the folder and scans the paper as Diego grips my hand so hard it almost hurts. “Mr. Caputo…”
I hold my breath.
“You are… not Diego’s biological father.”
I gasp. “Oh god. He’s not?”
The doctor looks at me. “No, Miss. Not related.”
I burst into tears as Diego holds me tight, kissing the top of my head. I feel Katie’s hand on my back as I just sob with happiness. When I look up, both my parents are crying and my dad holds my mom. I look up at Diego.
“You’re not my brother.”
He smiles. “I told you.”
We both laugh through our tears. “You did.”
We walk out, but I’m stopped by my dad’s voice. “Julia.”
I turn around to face him. “Yes?”
“Can we talk please? Alone.”
I think about it for a minute. “Fine.”
We walk over to a bench and sit, both of us staring straight ahead. “I wish I did this a long time ago.”
“Me too.”
“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can’t.” I say nothing. “You really love him, don’t you?”
“Yes.” I face him. “He’s leaving the priesthood for me. That’s how much I mean to him. We’re going to spend our lives together. So, you should just accept that Diego is always going to be around. If you can’t accept it, then you won’t see me either.”
He studies my face a minute. “I don’t hate Diego. I only hated what he represented. He reminded me of my worst sin. I wasn’t man enough to deal with it.”
“Are you now?”
“I’m trying. I’m a flawed husband, and a worse father, but I tried my best. I love you and I’m extremely proud of you. I admire you for following your heart even with the obvious odds stacked against you. I admire how you stuck by him when I turned on you and through this whole ordeal.”
“That’s what people do when they love someone. Mom did it for you. I do it for him.”
“Yes, that’s what love is. What can I do, Julia? Where can I start to make it better?”
“Don’t ask me. Ask Diego.”
He nods. “You’re right.”
I watch as he approaches Diego, who tenses as he nears. They speak quietly for a few minutes, both of them looking back at me. Diego motions for me. I stand and join them.
“Your father asked me what he could do to repair our relationship.” I nod. “I told him two things. He could tell you that he accepts our relationship.” I glance at my dad. “And he can join us for dinner tomorrow night, and as a family, we can start to heal.”
I look up at my dad. “And you said?”
He takes my hand in his. “I said I will never again do anything other than celebrate the love you found in each other because…” He exhales slowly. “Because it fixed some things that have been broken far too long. Maybe, it can even fix me.”
I blink away tears. “And dinner?”
“I’d be honored.”
A fresh wave of tears cloud my eyes. “Thank you, Dad.”
“You’re welcome. Thanks for giving me a chance.”
Diego and I get in his car and Katie goes with my parents to have lunch. We ride back in silence, holding hands the whole way. When we get back to town, Diego drives to the church.
“Why are we here?”
He smiles at me. “Monday morning, I’m going to the bishop to resign my post. I thought I’d pack up a few things and make love to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.”
“In the church? How scandalous, Father.”
Diego laughs and pinches my chin. “Maybe I could do some penance.” He winks.” Let’s go.”