Sarah
“There we go,” I press carefully on the little boy’s knee, setting the bandage in place. He doesn’t need one, of course. His scrape is minor and the Tremulia ointment I put on his knee has already healed any damage.
Little Hal is going to be just fine.
“Let’s get you down from here,” I reach for him and lift the little boy. Carefully, I set him on the ground as he finds his balance and looks at his knee, carefully examining the bandage I’ve offered him.
“All better, sugar,” his mother says, squatting down. She opens her arms and Hal runs to her.
“I have a new bandage,” he says.
“I saw your new bandage,” she agrees. “It’s very nice. Did you thank Doctor Sarah for fixing you up?”
Hal turns back to me and flashes me a toothy smile. “Thank you,” he says.
“It was my pleasure, buddy,” I tell him, tousling his hair. I grab a couple of bandage wraps from the cupboard and hand them to his mother, along with a small tube of Tremulia ointment. “If he falls again, you can just put the Tremulia ointment on, along with a bandage, but I don’t think you’ll have any trouble.”
“Thank you,” she says, taking the supplies from me. “He’s just been so clumsy lately. Must be going through a growth spurt,” she laughs. “You know how it goes.”
I smile and nod, but the truth is that I don’t know how it goes. Not really. Not on a personal level. Oh, I’ve been thoroughly trained in how to care for children. I can tell you the names of every bone a human, an Orchidian, or a Sapphiran has. I can draw the muscles of any creature from Mirroean to Dreagle to the late planet Earth. I can do all of that, but I can’t tell you what it feels like to see your child slip and fall. I can’t tell you what goes through your head when you worry your child isn’t going to recover from a spill. I can’t tell because I haven’t experienced any of this.
Because I’m not a mother and I probably never will be.
Hal and his mother leave the medical unit and I’m alone once more. It’s fine, really: this gives me the perfect chance to be alone with my thoughts, and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being alone. It’s being lonely. It’s being that girl.
Not that I want to be that girl.
I never wanted to be that girl.
No, when I joined Extrinsic’s medical team, I worked alongside a brilliant surgeon who taught me everything he knew. I’d already been in medical school prior to joining the ship, but it was Peter Alexander who showed me what it truly meant to heal the world around me, and until he passed away, we worked side-by-side on the ship, taking care of the warriors whose missions are so very dangerous.
Peter was the one who took care of me.
He was the one who believed in me.
As we worked together, he became like a father to me, and I still miss him terribly. I could never tell anyone what I’m going through or what this pain feels like. Most days, there seems to be a hole in my heart so damn big nothing could ever fill it.
Not that I want something to put there.
No, the only thing I want is Peter, and he’s gone.
Hal and his mother leave my unit. The door slides closed behind them and I collapse on my desk chair. What am I going to do now? The next round of physicals isn’t scheduled to start for two days, which means I’ve got two days of nothing but paperwork, cleaning, and minor health scares from the people who inhabit the ship.
Two days of sitting around, pining for a man who will never notice me, dreaming of a life that doesn’t exist.
Way to go, Sarah.
Great way to make the most of your time.
Shaking my head, I sit at my desk and stare at the paperwork in front of me.
Focus.
I just need to focus.
So what if Blake doesn’t think of me as more than a friend?
So what if he doesn’t like me in that way?
So what?
There are plenty of guys in the universe who would find me incredible and beautiful. Hell, there are plenty of guys on this ship who would give their right arm just to have dinner with me. I just always turn them down because Blake stole my heart a long time ago and I don’t know if I’m ever going to get it back.
That’s fine, though.
This just means I’ll have to move forward without a heart to giveaway. Nobody will even notice. Nobody really cares if you don’t have a heart to give out. Nobody will even bat an eye.
The more I think about this, the more I think finding someone to go out with is a good idea. Maybe a date would be enough to take my mind off of Blake. Maybe picking someone random and just fucking his brains out will wash away the yearning I’ve been clinging to for so long.
Maybe.
The main door slides open and I look over to see the man himself striding through the doors. Tall, confident, and handsome: Blake is everything a woman could want in her man.
“Hey beautiful,” he says, leaning against the wall.
“Blake,” I say, trying to keep my voice even. Usually, we have a lot of wild and playful banter. Usually, we’re happy and I joke around, but I’m not sure what’s changed. Me. It has to be me. I’ve changed. Somehow, when I didn’t realize what was happening, I changed and I grew up and now I don’t know if I can keep going on like this.
I don’t know if I can handle just being friends with Blake anymore.
“What’s wrong?” He picks up on the change in my tone immediately, but I’m not about to tell him. Why would I? He obviously doesn’t think of me that way. He obviously thinks of me as just some girl he knows. I’m just a woman who needs a man, and that man isn’t him. As much as I want Blake to be the one, I know that he’s not my mate.
He doesn’t want to be.
And maybe that’s his own burden to bear.
“Nothing,” I lie smoothly, motioning to my desk. “Just a lot of work to do today.”
“Ah,” he nods. “Physicals?”
“They start in two days,” I confirm easily. “But you know how it goes.” I shrug, hoping my nervousness doesn’t betray me. If he pays close attention, he’ll be able to note the shift in my attitude, in my scent. Orchidians aren’t really known for their super scenting abilities, but we still have them. As a people, we just prefer to utilize other senses prior to smelling those around us.
Usually, Blake laughs along with me and jokes and we have this fun, easygoing relationship, so I hope he’ll notice that I want to be left alone and just go.
No such luck.
Blake cocks his head and just looks at me for a minute. See? This is the look that I hate. This is what I was trying to avoid. I don’t want him to read me. I don’t want him to see what I’m thinking. I just want him to go so that I can be alone with my thoughts, my feelings, my sadness.
Please Blake.
Please, just go.
“What’s wrong?” He asks gently. “I’m not dumb, Sarah.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You want me to leave so you can be alone,” he says, basically reading my mind. How the hell does he do that? “But what you really need is a friend.” He comes closer to me and sits down in one of the chairs usually reserved for patient consults. Then he scoots closer to me until our knees our touching.
And oh, I don’t want our knees to be touching.
This is the last thing I need.
“I don’t need a friend right now, Blake. Really, I’m fine.” If he doesn’t leave, I’m not going to be able to hold back anymore. I know that making a move on Blake is a terrible idea. We have to work together, after all, and we have successfully for almost six years. Do I really want to ruin that because of hormones? Because of my lust?
No, I don’t.
And then his toes touch mine.
It’s such a little thing, really. We both grew up on Orchid. Blake’s Orchidian through-and-through. Me? I’m human, raised on an alien planet. Still, I wasn’t about to be the only kid wearing shoes in school. I got used to a life without shoes and even now in the middle of the ship, I wear shoes as little as possible. Blake is the same way. Unless he’s going off to battle, he’s almost always barefoot.
The sensation is intimate and personal, and it just serves to confuse me more.
“What are you doing, Blake?” My voice comes out husky and aroused, but now I’m starting not to care as much. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe dating Blake isn’t a terrible idea. Maybe it’s a very good idea. Maybe it’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.
Maybe I need this.
Maybe I need him.
“We’re just talking,” he says. “Why won’t you tell me what’s bothering you, Sarah? You know I’ll listen to anything you say. Is it a patient? Is one of the guys giving you a hard time?”
“No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “It’s nothing like that.”
“Then what? What’s bothering you?”
“You are,” I finally blurt out, and then I cover my mouth with my hand.
“What?” His brow furrows. “What did I do?”
And then I can’t hold back.
I can’t talk myself out of it anymore.
I can’t seem to stop.
I reach for Blake, and I pull him toward me, and I kiss him like there’s no tomorrow, like nothing else matters, like he’s the only one I need.
I kiss him like he’s perfect because to me, he is.
To me, he is the sun.
He is my everything.
But then he pushes me away and shakes his head. My heart is thundering as his words hit my ears.
“Sarah, no.”
Then he leaves.
And I am alone.