CHAPTER NINE
Sarah
The drive back to my apartment is awkward to say the least. He’s driving too fast, but he handles the car easily, so I don’t complain. I can’t believe I almost went all the way with him. I’ve gone insane! I’m out of my friggin’ mind! As soon as he pulls up to my apartment building I jump out of the car and run up the five flights of stairs as fast as I can. I know he’s followed me, but I don’t say a word to him. I don’t even look at him as I run inside and slam the door.
It must have been the wine, I tell myself after I throw myself in bed. Thank God Tessa isn’t home. That’s all I need right about now. What was I thinking? Sex? Sex with an alien? I made myself a solemn promise not to have sex until it meant something. I’ve seen way too many girls throw themselves away and lose their identity. Even my mother only married my dad because she got pregnant with me, in the backseat of a car. I vowed to learn from her mistake. I will not enter into a sexual relationship without some kind of commitment. And love. There must be love. I will not have sex without love.
My mind conjures up Vorek’s image. He’s gorgeous and rich beyond imagining. But he’s not even the same species as me. You can’t grow up in an anti-K organization, and not pick up on a few scary details. K’s aren’t capable of love, at least not with inferior earthlings. I’ve been taught that K’s think of humans as sex slaves. I will never become someone’s slave, never let someone have the kind of power over me that my step father has over my mother. Never! Never! Never! I chant in my mind to convince myself.
Sleep eludes me. I am so keyed up I can’t think straight. All I can think about is him, of how incredible it felt to be in his arms. Part of me actually regrets that I stopped him. That’s how screwed up my mind is. So this is why all the girls I know give in. I used to think they were all weak. I’d had no idea how it could feel. Now I understand the temptation. Somehow I must find the will to fight this attraction.
I must be strong. My future and my sister’s depends on it. I hear the phone in my backpack ring. It startles me because it never rings. I stumble out of bed to look at the number in case it’s my sister. I don’t recognize it, but I know instantly it’s him. How did he get this number? I press the power button on the side turning the phone off without answering it.
***
It’s morning and my eyes are red from crying. When Tessa asks me if something’s wrong, I lie and tell her it’s my cold. She freaks out over all the goodies in the fridge, and for a change we both sit down to eat breakfast. I wish her happy spirits would rub off on me, but I’m so depressed that the food tastes like ash in my mouth. I put on his coat because it’s below zero outside and I don’t have one of my own. I regret it almost instantly.
His scent envelops me, and I’m sucked back into last night and how incredible he made me feel. He brought my body to life in ways I could never imagine. Stop it! I tell myself as I take another bite of the leftover mousse.
“You working again tonight?” Tessa asks. She’s opened up all the containers so she can try a bite of each one before they’re gone. I’m glad she’s enjoying herself. We don’t get a lot of nice moments together.
“Yeah.”
“Remember rent is due this Friday,” she reminds me.
“I remember.” As if I could forget. I’m way behind on my student loan payment and I hate the thought of not paying my share of the rent on time. Tessa doesn’t have a lot of money to spare although she seems better off than me. Unlike me she doesn’t have to hide from her parents because they abandoned her to the foster system when she was still young. Nobody gave her any crap about her FAFSA. Most of her school is covered and she got loans for the rest.
As I slip on the beautiful backpack, I start thinking of him again, not that I ever stopped. I need to get a grip. I open the door to leave and almost trip over a vase full of red roses. I step around it and don’t say a word. As usual Chad is waiting for me. I don’t even acknowledge his presence as I start down the stairs.
I robotically shuffle through the day, and the one after that, and the next . . . somehow. It’s all too easy to fall back into my quiet reserved shell. Everyone at school and work expects that of me anyway. Every day I wait to get dropped from my classes for good because I still haven’t scraped together enough cash to make the loan payment. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to show up at this point.
And I miss Vorek. Damn him. We hardly know each other, so how can I possibly miss him this much? I consider calling him, but I resist the urge. I’m determined to remain strong. I refuse to give him power over me. I will not be any man’s slave.
Friday finally comes, and just when I’m thinking that I’ve made it through another week without the axe dropping, a student worker interrupts Professor James’ lecture. My heart stops when he motions for me to come up to his desk. I slide my books into my fancy backpack, and take the note Professor James hands me. It’s exactly what I was afraid of, a summons to report to the financial aid office immediately.
With dread in my heart, I enter the financial aid building. Today there is only a short line, and in no time I’m sitting across the desk from the same bald dude who helped me last time when I set up the payment plan. I hand him the note.
“Okay, Sarah, let’s see what the problem is,” he says as he pulls my file up on his screen and begins to read it. “Oh,” he murmurs. He’s sort of making an angry eyes face, which has me a bit worried. “It’s a long file, and I’m not done yet. This top part is from yesterday and is a notice regarding the loan delinquency. It states you are to be removed from classes immediately, unless the payment status is brought up to date.”
I lower my head in my hands and let the hair fall over my face to hide the fact that tears have filled my eyes.
“Wait a second. There’s another file attached. Let me read this and see what it says.”
I stoically lift my head and stare at a spot over his shoulder as my heart sinks to my stomach. That’s it then. I’m finished. I worked as hard as I possibly could but it just wasn’t enough. Without the degree, I’ll never be able to make enough money to help my sister escape. The tears continue to gather, and soon begin to leak out the corners.
“This is very good news,” he announces.
“What?” I look up and use my sleeve to swipe the tears away before he can see them.
“It says here you’ve been granted a full scholarship. And it also includes a paid internship.”
“But, how is that possible? I didn’t even apply for a scholarship.”
“I’m not at liberty to disclose that. It’s a new scholarship, privately funded, and you are indeed the first recipient.”
“A full scholarship? And a paid internship?” I am in a state of shock, and only seem capable of parroting back what he’s already said.
“Yes, it’s for an ‘Environmental Science-Physics’ degree.
“What? But I don’t even know what that is, and I want to be a social worker,” I say confused.
“I see. Well, you’ll have to change your major if you intend to accept this scholarship. On the bright side, you can stay in all of your classes. Since they’re all Gen Ed, they will apply to this degree also. So, I’ll print out the scholarship forms. I’ll need your signature, then you’re good to go. That is unless you don’t want to take the scholarship. In which case you’ll need to make your loan payment in full, or I’m afraid you’ll no longer be allowed to return to class.”
Of course that’s not really an option at all. If it’s at all possible I will stay in school, even if it’s for a degree I know nothing about. I sign the papers and realize I still have time to make it back to class for the end of Professor James’ lecture. It seems God has finally remembered I exist by giving me this miracle.
This day is simply surreal. I still go to work, but I don’t feel stressed. It’s like I can actually enjoy the customers, and when they leave a small tip, I think, well maybe that’s all they have. This job is no longer life or death to me. When it’s the end of my shift, I clear my last table and hang up my apron. Stan raises his eyes, because I don’t even ask for extra hours. Just last night I was begging to work until close every night.
I leave the restaurant with a smile on my face as I catch the bus to go to my bank. For once I have plenty of time to get there before they close. I hold the check with reverence as I wait my place in line. After depositing the huge scholarship check I got from the financial aid office, I still can’t believe I actually have that much money in my account. It’s hard to believe that my last minute scholarship actually had a stipend for living expenses.
As I leave the bank and walk toward the bus stop, I pass a clothing store. A cute outfit in the display window catches my eye, and on a whim I go in. I ask a sales person if they have it in my size, and she brings me everything I need to try it on. I don’t know what’s come over me. Part of me feels almost guilty, after all it’s frivolous. I’ve never ever worn anything but out of style hand me downs. For years I’ve hidden in clothes that are at least three sizes too big. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t dreaming about what Vorek would think about my new clothes.
The slinky black dress fits me perfectly, hugging tight in all the right places. It’s a simple understated look, the type of thing the women at the fancy restaurant were wearing. That’s when I’m forced to admit how much I long to fit into Vorek’s world. When did I fall for him? And how do I stop it before I get hurt?
I’m still admiring myself in the mirror when the salesperson knocks on the door and hands me the boots she saw me fawning over. I pull on the boots and I just can’t get over the fact that they fit me perfectly, and that no one else has ever worn them before.
I don’t know what comes over me, but it’s like once I start spending money I can’t stop. I tell myself that I need the lacy black strapless bra, because the dress has spaghetti straps. And of course the little black thong was made to go with it.
I change back into my old clothes, and on the way up to the cash register I tally up all the price tags in my head. Feeling downright giddy I impetuously toss in the cute black purse with the fringe. Is this how it feels to be normal? “I’ve never shopped here before,” I gush, and use my debit card with pride to pay for my purchases. I walk out of the store carrying the huge bag, my head held high. It’ silly, but I want to call Vorek, tell him my amazing news. But I talk myself out of that almost immediately. He’s still not a good idea. I need to focus on school. And I’ll be starting this new internship soon, which I know absolutely nothing about. Vorek is a distraction I can’t afford. I have to stay focused if I’m going to get Amy away from the cult before they try to marry her off to someone she doesn’t love like they tried with me.
I take the bus to a grocery store. I can hardly believe this. I’m actually buying groceries! I’m careful not to buy too much, but not because I can’t afford them. But because I’m not sure how much I can handle on the bus. I decide to treat Tessa and myself to some candy, prepackaged breakfast foods, and a few microwave dinners. Sheer luxury. I also load some more minutes onto my prepaid phone.
As I’m riding on the bus with my packages I call Tessa and tell her the news. Her screams attest to the fact she’s in as much shock as I am. I want her to have a little time to adjust to the news before I get home.
“Start getting beautiful,” I tell her.
“What?”
“We’re going out for drinks. My treat!”
“OMG! Are you for real?”
“Oh, it’s real alright. I already deposited the check, and I’m bringing home groceries, plus I bought myself a new outfit, and I want to wear it tonight! I’ll see you in about thirty minutes.” After I hang up, I lean my head against the seat rest and close my eyes, glorying in the day’s experiences. The ride flies by, and in no time I’m getting off at the corner and running to the apartment. With a lightness of step I’ve never felt before I bolt up the stairs of our apartment building. Tessa throws the door open and screams as she opens her arms for a big hug.
I choose a stuffed veggie burrito, and Tessa selects a broccoli and tofu Hot Pocket from our new food stash. We get ready while we eat. Tessa insists on doing my hair and makeup. I’ve never bothered with either of those things, so I defer to her expertise on the subject. Outside of chapstick I don’t even own any makeup. She insists on turning my back away from the mirror, so that when she’s finished it will be a complete surprise.
“That seems like an awful lot of makeup,” I say warily. “You’ve been piling that stuff on for thirty minutes at least.”
“Just leave this to me,” she insists.
After a bit she declares the makeup finished and plugs in her curling iron. “I’m just curling the ends,” she explains. “This will just take a minute.” True to her word, she finishes with my hair quickly and instructs me to put my new clothes on.
“Don’t look in the mirror yet,” she orders excitedly.
I quickly slip into my new clothes and she turns me around to face the full length mirror hanging on the back of the door in her room.
“There’s no way that’s me!” I exclaim, reaching out to squeeze Tessa’s hand excitedly.
“I know, right! I always knew you’d be a knockout with some decent clothes that actually fit you and a little makeup.”
I step up closer to the mirror and examine the makeup job. It actually doesn’t look like a lot of makeup at all. It looks like me, only much better. And the hair isn’t a radical change either, but that little bit of curl on the ends makes it bounce when I walk.
“I love it. Tessa, you’re a genius,” I exclaim as I give her another hug.
Tessa did her hair and makeup after I called her from the bus, so we’re ready to go. I transfer my wallet and my phone to my new purse, and then we head out the door.
“Do you mind if we stop by the library?” Tessa asks. “I’ve got some books I need to return. It’ll just take a minute. They’re due back today, and I don’t want to pay late fines.”
“Sure,” I agree as Tessa unlocks her car and we get in.
My one day shopping spree hasn’t changed the fact that money will still be tight for us. The library isn’t that far, well at least not when you don’t have to walk that is. She pulls into a parking place up front.
“You can wait here if you want,” she offers, waving the keys at me.
“No, I’ll come in too,” I tell her. “I need to check my email.”
I’ve never mentioned anything about my past or my family, so I don’t tell Tessa I’m concerned about my sister, Amy. I haven’t heard a peep from her in days. As Tessa stands in line to return her books I log into a computer and see that there is an email from Amy. I open it, and in an instant my beautiful wonderful day turns to shit.
When Tessa is done, she comes to find me. I’m staring like a zombie at the blank screen because I’ve already closed my email account and logged out of the computer like I always do.
“What’s wrong? Are they taking the money back?” she asks. “I was afraid this was just too good to be true.”
“No, it’s not that. The scholarship is fine. It’s my sister.”
“You’ve never mentioned a sister before. Is something wrong?”
“My sister just got married.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“No, it’s not a good thing,” I assure her. “I don’t approve of the groom.”
“Oh.”
That’s putting it mildly. I don’t reveal that my sister is only fifteen years old. I don’t want Tessa to know anything about my screwed up family. Married at fifteen smacks of cult behavior. Who else would let a fifteen year old child get married? Correction . . . force a child to get married.
“You still want to go out?” Tessa asks, sensing I’m very upset.
“Absolutely,” I insist. “I’m going to need the alcohol to get this out of my head.”
“You got it,” Tessa says as we climb back into her car.
“Do you have any idea where we should go?” I ask. I’ve never gone out a single time since I’ve been here in Peoria. My twenty first birthday came and went after I moved here. I haven’t done any of the typical college things because I’ve had no time or money before tonight.
“I sure do,” she says. “There’s this place I’ve been dying to go to!”
In no time she pulls in front of an old building downtown. It’s in one of the old historic buildings that was a vaudeville theatre in a previous life. I can hear the pounding music before we even open our car doors. The neon light out front is flashing “Foxie’s”. We wait in line, then show our ID’s at the door before we’re allowed to enter. Once inside the music is even louder, almost painfully so. But my ears soon adjust to this new normal level. The interior is decorated like a 1970’s discotheque.
“How fun!” I shout in Tessa’s ear. Some of the crowd has gone all out, dressing in 70’s disco flair, but just as many others are dressed in modern attire. Everyone is stylish and I’m so glad I’m wearing my new clothes. I don’t feel out of place at all. We make our way to the bar and order our drinks. We both choose wine, and I pull out my debit card to pay.
As we’re sipping our drinks the bartender sets two shots in front of us. I lean in close and shout to tell him we didn’t order that. He points down at the end of the bar at two jocks complete with Varsity Jackets. One is blonde, the other’s brunette, and neither of them compare to Vorek. Well, that’s a first. I mouth the words, “thank you” to the guys. They move over to stand next to us. They each have a shot glass too. They empty them quickly. Tessa and I look at each other, raise our eyes, then raise our glasses too. The tequila burns it’s way down my throat, and I start coughing. The blonde laughs and pats me on the back.
“Hi, I’m B….” The oldies music is so loud I don’t get his name. But I don’t tell him because I don’t really care. I’m just here to celebrate my scholarship and take my mind off my sister. I don’t tell him my name because I don’t plan on ever seeing him again and I’d rather listen to K.C. and the Sunshine band than try to pretend I’m interested in a stranger. My mom always listened to seventies music so I know all of these songs.
They ask us to dance and Tessa and I slam down our wine, and hit the dance floor. I’ve never thought I was a particularly good dancer, in fact I’ve never even been dancing before. But as the evening progresses, at a rate that correlates directly with the quantity of alcohol I’ve consumed, I decide I am in fact an awesome dancer. How did I not know this about myself?
As we continue to dance, ‘B’ starts to get a little too touchy feely. We’re dancing to a slow dance, and his hand dips to my ass. Something about the wrongness of the situation breaks through the alcohol induced fog in my brain and I slip out of his arms and excuse myself to go to the washroom. I feel like I’m cheating on Vorek, which is crazy . . . or is it?
I close the lid, sit down on the toilet and close my eyes. My head is swimming. I open my eyes just before I topple over onto the dirty tile floor. At the sink I look at myself in the mirror. Who is this stranger looking at me? I consider splashing water on my face so I can snap out of this alcohol stupor, but decide against that. Tessa has worked too hard on my makeup to ruin it. I think about ‘B’ or whatever his name is, but he holds no interest to me. I need to ditch him before things get even more complicated.
My mind turns back to my sister Amy. They married her off to that Neanderthal, Jebediah. I can’t believe it. I’ll never get her out of there now. That’s what they wanted to do to me. What they would have done if I hadn’t escaped when I did. I know that the men of the cult prize virginity above all else in the choice of a wife. It’s disgusting, and barbaric.
A thought pops in my fuzzy alcohol brain and I just can’t shake it. The men in the cult can’t wait to get their hands on a chaste young girl. So why have I held tight to my purity all this time? It has suddenly occurred to me that my virginity is actually a liability. By keeping my legs shut all these years I’ve actually put myself at risk!
I need to have sex, and fast. Doing so would actually provide a layer of protection against the perverts in the cult. I was already getting a bit old for their tastes. They would be even less interested if I was lacking a hymen. This is genius. It’s my choice and it’s my body.
Only I get to decide when it’s time. And I proclaim the time is now. I’ll need a penis to rectify this situation. I briefly consider ‘B’, whatever his name is. I’m sure he has a penis because he’s been trying to grind it against me every time we slow dance. But I instantly discard that idea. If I’m going to do this I’m going first class. Before I can change my mind I dig my phone out of my purse, search through my recent calls and press send.