Chapter 8
Her Final Farewell
Several hours later, she arrived in a small glen with a quiet stream cutting through the center of it. Akeno used to talk about playing along the stream when he was young. Though she had always imagined him playing in his adult form, she knew that he would have been more like a cute, foxlike child romping through the fields. She had seen his tails on numerous occasions, and she used to love to stroke them after a night together. He would pretend to be shy about them, but he always relented when she begged him. By the end of his life, Akeno had six tails. She had joked that he was aging himself prematurely, and that if he wanted to extend his life, he needed to listen to his heart more than his head. He had simply laughed and tackled her. As he kissed her neck, he nipped at her, saying that for each criticism she gave him, he was going to return it in pain. It was the brightest memory etched in her mind because it had been their last happy memory.
Zandra looked down at her shriveled hand. If it looked old in Naucratis, now her hand looked like it could have belonged to something mummified. She gave a raspy laugh as she looked down into the stream, standing just far enough back that she couldn’t see her own reflection. The woman that Akeno had loved was no more. Over the course of two years, she had tried to atone for her cruelty towards him. She had taken on more pain than she would have thought was possible in the world. As patients died, she would stroke their heads and sing them into the next life, removing their pains and regrets so that they could pass with a smile.
Akeno had been her first. She had never felt compelled to spare anyone pain before he fell ill, but the worse he got the more distress she felt. She never told him that she was doing it, and she doubted that he had any idea that she had that kind of skill. Zandra had rarely used any of her talents for others, and never without knowing what she would get out of it. A smile spread across her face as she thought about how he would feel at her sacrificing.
He would be conflicted. On the one hand, he would be happy to know that she had learned compassion, and ideology that she had forsaken the night she was nearly beaten to death. On the other hand, he would be upset that she was inflicting such lasting damage to herself. No, he would have been furious that I withheld what I was doing.
A small giggle escaped her, but quickly turned into a small coughing fit.
She swayed beside the stream. “You win, Akeno.” With a sigh, Zandra lay down beside the stream, her bones aching and joints creaking as she struggled to lower herself. As soon as she was on her back, she stretched out a hand and touched the water. The water flowed over her hand and a small glimmer appeared on her finger. She waved her hand back and forth as a small band formed on her finger. Once it was fully visible, she held it up to the sky. Attempting to avoid seeing the hand, her eyes focused on the ring.
“You promised me you would pull through so that we could marry. I have learned the lesson well that no one can love me the way you do, and without you, I am as alone as when you found me. Without you, I have no future. You see? Even in my old age, I can still remember the harshest lesson you ever taught me.”
Struggling to stand up, Zandra didn’t try to wipe away the tears that flowed down her face. All of the pain that she had absorbed was now bubbling over and she knew that it would not stop until it consumed her.
Zandra didn’t care.
The memories of pain and regret flashed through her mind, nearly blinding her. Zandra’s body did not need her eyes, though. There was music to the pain, and it hummed around her. She began to sway, and then dance as the pain intensified. The movements were slow at first, her rapidly aged body unable to follow the demands of the music. Over time, she began to release the pain both of her mind and body, sending it in waves out into the world as a beautiful song. It hummed and flowed around her, and her body began to feel light.
Time became irrelevant as she processed many lifetimes of pain. Her own pains washed away in the flow and song, and Zandra began to smile, her steps becoming lighter and more fluid.
She danced through the stream, soaking her clothes, yet she never slowed.
Zandra passed through so many memories and stories, each one leaving an imprint on her mind. She had released nearly all of the emotions when she reached Akeno’s. Feeling like she was little more than air, Zandra began to dance his pain. It was far deeper and more profound that she would have guessed. Hidden in his past was a story that she had never heard. He had loved a man when he was much younger. They had been happy, but eventually his lover became bored of Akeno’s desire to learn more and grow. Zandra recognized the patterns of abuse and cruelty that Akeno had warned her about, the kind that could consume someone, the kind that had almost consumed her. Though her story had been different, there were many similarities. Anani had been there when Akeno had felt there was no purpose to his life. Anani had given Akeno a purpose – to help others who suffered the way he had.
The tears streamed down her cheeks and flowed into her motions. It was a side of the two men that she had never seen. And because of her, they were never able to say goodbye.
Here was the reason why Anani had been so against the idea of love. And she had proved him right.
Zandra’s heart lurched as she saw the pain of loss Akeno had felt when Anani had left. Then the pain as the gap had grown for two months after Anani’s disappearance. The horror at her own actions and self-loathing caused her to stumble in her movements, but she forced herself to continue.
The next pain was as Akeno realized he was dying. The bitter-sweet memory of his proposal and promise to her that he would get better, knowing that nothing he did could pull him through. He had not always worked to keep his promises, but that was the one that he gave knowing that it would never come to pass. He hoped to give her a little hope because she hadn’t smiled in so long. The way that he had stroked her face, knowing that it wouldn’t be much longer before he would leave her alone in the world. At the end, he feared what would happen to her after his death.
Zandra fell to her knees, the memories that she had buried for so long finally tearing her apart. She couldn’t feel anything as the pain wrenched at her heart. She could no longer feel the air going into her lungs. The entire world became dark as she crumpled beneath the weight of a life that she felt responsible for destroying.
“Yes, if only you had stayed on the path. But you were bound to return one day, and return you did, in the most magnificent fashion. Welcome home, my wayward daughter. Back to the life you thought you could escape. How very foolish, and how much you shall suffer for it now.”