Our trip to the cabin had been fantastic. We spent most of our time in bed. The rest of the time was filled with relaxing in the hot tub, hiking the trails that surrounded us and watching the sun rise and set.

It was beautiful out there. It reminded me of something you’d see on a postcard or in a painting.

Alexa decided that since we were going to be spending quite a bit of time at the cabin that summer, she was going to start a nature collection of things she found there. She found all kinds of neat things like different rocks and things of that nature.

Before we could blink, our week was over, and it was time to come back home to the real world. We had a blast with one another but the time had gone by too quickly. I was already looking ahead to the following month when we’d get to have the adventure all over again.

The night we got back, Alexa came to my apartment, something I’d gone out of my way to avoid.

“Oh no, no, no,” she said. “This just isn’t going to work.”

“I know it’s not the best babe, but it works. It’s not like I spend a lot of time here.”

“That’s not what I mean. This apartment actually has a lot of potential, but I get the feeling you aren’t the best when it comes to interior decorating.”

“What are you trying to say?” I joked.

“You know exactly what I mean. I think this place could look really nice. It just needs a woman’s touch.”

“Yeah? Well, you can do whatever you want with is just as long as I don’t come home to pink walls. At least leave a hint of a man living here.”

“Okay, deal.”

She didn’t have to go back to work for a couple of days, so the plan was for her to crash at my place for the night. When I went to work the next morning, she’d stay there and take care of whatever decorating she wanted to do.

The workday was long. All I could think about all day was getting back to my apartment to see Alexa and find out what she’d done to my place.

On my way home, I decided to drop by the store to pick up some flowers for her. It would be my way of thanking her for helping me get my place in order.

I called Alexa’s cell phone while I was in my car to find out if she was making something for dinner or if I needed to pick up something for us to eat while I was out. It rang four times and went to voicemail.

I waited a few minutes and tried again, only to be met with the same result. I tried again a third time and still got no answer. I found it odd that her phone would be going to voice mail.

She always answered my calls, no matter where she was or what she was doing.

Although it was odd that she wasn’t answering her phone, I was sure there was a reasonable explanation for it. When I pulled into the parking lot for my apartment building, I saw her car parked in the lot, right where it had been that morning. I was glad she was there and figured she was either taking or a shower or napping.

I made my way into the building and walked down the hall. My door was unlocked, so I entered quietly, not wanting to disturb her if she was resting.

After shutting the door behind me, I turned to see her sitting at the kitchen table. She was seated with her back to me with her face looking down towards the floor.

“Honey, I’m home,” I yelled jokingly as I kicked off my shoes and went over to join her at the table. “These are for you,” I said, holding the flowers out to her.

Alexa didn’t move a muscle. She didn’t say anything to me, and she didn’t acknowledge the flowers I was holding in my hand. Instead, she kept looking at the table, her arms crossed in front of her.

“Babe? Is everything okay?” I asked after looking at her for a moment. Again, she didn’t reply. She appeared to be frozen in time.

I was starting to get worried that something might be wrong with her, so I sat the flowers down on the table and went down to one knee next to her.

I reached out and touched her shoulder, prompting her to jump up from the table, jerking away from my touch.

“Shit,” I yelled out complete involuntarily. I wasn’t expecting the sudden movement, and she startled me.

I stood up, studying her face, completely confused by what was happening. Finally getting a good look, I saw that her eye makeup was smeared, and her eyes appeared to be puffy and bloodshot. It looked as though she’d been crying. When I touched her, her face contorted in fear and anger.

What in the world is happening here?

Alexa looked like she was in the middle of a panic attack. I’d seen many people have them, but I’d never known her to have a problem with them.

Her breathing was deep and choppy, almost like she was trying to catch her breath after running. I didn’t know what it was, but something was freaking her out. Something had her scared.

At that point, I noticed she was shaking. I also saw that she had some kind of paper in her hand. I tried to figure out what it was, but she had it gripped so tightly, it was crinkling in her fist.

“Alexa? You gotta talk to me. What the hell is happening? What’s wrong with you?” I asked her, taking a step in her direction.

“Don’t come near me,” she shouted, taking a step away from me. “You just stay there and don’t come any closer to me.”

I didn’t want to freak her out any more than she already was so I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her, holding my hands up slightly as if to let her know that I wasn’t going to move.

“What’s the matter?” I asked softly. “What is it that you have there?”

“What this? You wanna know what this paper is?” she asked, holding it up in front of my face. “These are just your parole papers,” she spat out with disgusted venom.

Her head started to shake, and her eyes began to fill up with tears. It took me a minute to realize what she’d just said to me. I felt like I was in shock.

I felt like there was a huge weight suddenly on my chest, pushing down on me and making it hard to breathe. It felt so heavy that I felt like I could fall over.

That was when the reality of the situation truly hit me.

My stomach started tying itself in knots, and my heart physically began to ache.

No, this can’t be happening. Not like this.

I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there looking at her, studying her face with my mouth hanging open in shock. I didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to say to her.

It wasn’t something I’d gone through in my mind. I never wanted her to find out like this. Hell, I never intended for her to find out at all. I didn’t have a plan for this situation.

There was nothing I could do to divert her hurt or anger. There were no lies I could tell that was going to fix it. I was fucked.

Alexa stood there in my kitchen, staring a hole right through me. Tears were streaming down her face, and she didn’t even make an attempt to hide the fact she was crying.

I felt crushed, wanting nothing more than to hold her and comfort her. I wished I could tell her that it was all a misunderstanding, that the paper she was holding was some kind of a mix-up, but I knew I couldn’t do that because there was no mix-up.

There was no misunderstanding. We were at a stalemate, with me staring at her and her staring right back.

“So you were in prison?” Alexa finally asked, mercifully breaking the silence in the room. Her ordinarily sweet voice was nowhere to be found. It was instead replaced with the sound of disgust.

“Yes,” I murmured as I exhaled and closed my eyes, not being able to handle the look on her face.”

“What did you do, Nick? What did you do to get sent to prison? This wasn’t even jail. You were in the penitentiary. You gotta do some fucked up shit to get put in the pen.”

I didn’t reply.

“Maybe I shouldn’t even be asking you this,” she continued. “I mean, you didn’t tell me in the first place so I’m sure you’d just feed me some line of bullshit, wouldn’t you? And what about your family, Nick? You’ve told me so many different things that none of them are adding up anymore. Was any of that the truth?” she added, putting things together right there in front of me.

I should have known that she would have figured it all out eventually. She’s a brilliant woman. She’s always been a lot smarter than me.

She was college educated, and I didn’t even finish high school. I’d known from the start that she was too good for me, but I held on because I loved her so much. I should have seen all of this coming. It was inevitable.

“Nick, answer me! You at least owe me that much,” she yelled, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Her words had so much anger in them. They were filled with hate and loathing. I’d never seen her act like that before.

“Yes, Alexa. Yes, I was in prison, but it was for something idiotic. It was just a fight.”

“Just a fight? I’ve known lots of guys who have gotten into fights. None of them were ever sent to prison for fighting. I call bullshit on that one. Try again.”

“It was a fight. It was a fight that ended up very badly. The guy I was fighting hit his head and was in terrible shape for a while. I was brought up on attempted murder charges.”

“Attempted murder?” she gasped, her face suddenly going flush. “I’ve been with someone who was convicted of attempted murder? Holy shit.”

“It’s not like that, Alexa. It’s not like that at all. I didn’t go looking for a fight. The other guy did. I didn’t go out trying to murder someone. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about it. I love you, and I didn’t want to lose you over a stupid mistake.

“Uh-huh. And what about your family? What about everything you told me about them?”

“I don’t have a family,” I said coldly, looking across the room past her. I knew she was gone. I knew I had already lost the woman I loved.

“So let me get this straight. You lied about where you were before you moved here. Apparently, you’ve always lived here. You were just in prison. In fucking prison, Nick! Then you lied about your family. Has there been anything real about you? Have you told me anything in our entire relationship that wasn’t complete and utter bullshit?”

I watched her as tears streamed quickly down her cheeks. Her face was contorted in pain. I could actually feel what she was feeling, and it was heartbreaking.

“I love you. That part has never been a lie,” I told her.

I knew that those words weren’t going to do any good, but I wanted to say them anyway. I wanted her to know that no matter how badly I screwed up, my love for her was the one thing that was always real.

Alexa laughed a short, involuntary laugh. It was as though she couldn’t believe what I was saying. Her lips sneered in disgust and anger.

It was a side of her I’d never seen before. She shook her head and started to say something, but she stopped herself. Instead, she tossed the parole papers onto the table in front of me, looked at me with pain in her eyes, and grabbed her purse on the way towards the door.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was frozen in shock of what had just gone done. I couldn’t say or do anything. The only thing I could do was stand in the kitchen and watch her walk out of my life forever.

She was opening my front door when I knew I had to stop her. I couldn’t lose her. Not like that. Not without at least doing everything I could to convince her that I’m not that man anymore.

I run up behind her, close the door in front of her before she had a chance to leave. She jumped at my unexpected arrival. She may have even been a little frightened, but my intention wasn’t to scare her.

I would never do her any harm. Even though I’d hurt her emotionally, there was no way I’d ever hurt her physically.

I’d hoped that she’d turn around to talk to me. At the very least, I just wanted her to hear me out. Instead, she remained facing the door, her hand firmly gripping the knob.

“I want to leave, Nick,” she mumbled. I hated the shakiness that she had in her voice. She was scared of me. That was the last thing I wanted.

“Alexa, please don’t do this,” I begged of her with my hand still pressed against the door, preventing her from opening it until I at least tried to talk to her. “I love you more than anything in the world, Alexa. I’ve been waiting my entire life for you. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. Please don’t walk out on me.”

There was so much pressure building within my chest. I had a fear and panic in me that I never knew existed. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and fought them off the best I could.

I’d always been told that crying was a form of weakness, so I never did it. I certainly didn’t want to cry in front of her, but the tears were coming, and I didn’t know if I had it in me to choke them back.

“Nick, please just let me go. I don’t want to be here right now,” she begged

I hated the way she was pleading with me. The shakiness in her voice increased with each word she said. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me.

I didn’t want to scare her any worse than I already had. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want her to go. I was afraid that if she left, I’d never see her again. At the same time, I didn’t want to ruin any chance I had left, no matter how slim that chance was.

I certainly didn’t want to make things any worse than they already were. I removed my hand from the door and took a few steps back. She threw it open and ran out. Just like that, Alexa was gone.

I didn’t have much in life. Alexa was the only thing in my life that meant anything to me at all. She was my life. She was my entire existence.

Now, she was gone. I’d lost her, and there wasn’t anything I was going to be able to do about it. There would be no talking my way out of it. I fucked up, and I was going to have to live with that reality.

A hollow, empty feeling filled my open as I closed the door before leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. I sat there, looking at my empty apartment and started to cry.

It was a new experience for me and one that I didn’t like at all. I never cried when the state came and took me from foster family to foster family. I never cried when these families, who were supposed to love and care for me, beat me belts or choked me when I didn’t act exactly how they wanted me to.

I didn’t cry when I was convicted of attempted murder. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.

That night was miserable to me. My mind wouldn’t shut off, and there was no way I was going to be getting any sleep.

All I could think about were what-if scenarios that I couldn’t do anything about. I thought about the things I should have done differently from day one. I thought about all the things I should have told her.

When I couldn’t think about what I should have done differently. My mind turned to Alexa in general. I thought about how I felt the first time I laid eyes on her. I thought about the first time she and I had sex.

I thought about the week at the cabin that we’d just come back from. I thought about the way her body looked, the way she always smelled so good. I could still remember just the way she tasted. I sat in my apartment by myself for hours playing back all the time we spent together.

I spent most of the night remembering everything about her. I remembered the way she felt when we made love and the way I felt the first time I heard her tell me she loved me.

I couldn’t go down with a fight. I couldn’t let things end like that. She was mine. I knew I was right for her, whether or not she believed it at the moment.

As good as I was for her, I knew she was even better for me. I didn’t just want Alexa, I needed her. I needed her in my life to keep me grounded. She kept me sane. I felt like she gave me a purpose to go on when everything else seemed impossible. In some ways, she was my reason for breathing.

Since I met her, she was the reason I got out of bed every morning because I knew she’d be waiting for me at the end of the day. She was the kind of person that you only meet once in a lifetime. I couldn’t let her go. I refused to let her go. I was willing to do whatever it was I needed to do.

I was going to get her back.