Nina

I have to be the worst date ever and truth be told, I probably shouldn’t be going on one. It’s been four weeks, since I left without a single goodbye and if I’m being honest, I’m a little worried about why he gave up so fast.

Why didn’t he come looking for me? He spent years breaking me, locking me up in an invisible cell, for what? Just to let me go, no questions asked? The thought makes a chill run down my spine. How can someone go from not being able to live without you to being alone?

Maybe he isn’t. Maybe he was thankful I finally left, freeing him of his demons. Maybe I’m the one who brought the worst out in him and he’s replaced me. Finally, at peace.

Do I even care?

No, I don’t. Two years ago, yes. One year ago I stayed, worried he would do something to himself. Four weeks ago, I left fearing what he would do to me.

Today, I’m trying to be me.

Who am I?

I’m so desperate to find my voice, to live my life for me, that I keep everyone at arm’s length, terrified to let anyone in again.

I don’t want to be that person. I want to live life loving it, not second-guessing every person and every decision.

“Hey, you with me?” Kyle’s voice is soft, concerned.

Flipping down the mirror, I examine myself. Eyes puffy and bloodshot. This is no good. Twisting in my seat, I frown, pointing at my face. “I can’t go out looking like this.”

“I think you look beautiful.” His smile is crooked and kind.

“How can you say that?” I turn back to the mirror, tugging at the corners my eyes. “I look—”

“Like someone who just let me in a little.”

Kyle reaches over the center console, holding out his hand, palm up. “Hand hug?” He gives me a sideward glance, wiggling his fingers.

Folding up the mirror, I give him my full attention. “You want me to hold your hand?”

“Well, I guess if you want to hold on a little longer than a hand hug is supposed to last…” His grin is back, dimples and all. “I wouldn’t mind.” He winks.

How can I resist that? He has seen all kinds of crazy in the last few days and each time I begin to push, he pulls. Not in a possessive, you will be mine kind of way, but an I get it one.

Reaching out, I intertwine my fingers with his, closing my eyes, accepting what he has to offer.

Understanding.

“See? Hand hugs are just as effective, don’t you think?” He gives mine a little squeeze.

“They are.” I’m lost in him, in this moment, forgetting the events that had taken place.

“Well, how I see it, since this makes three hugs, we can either part now, taking the chance we may need another soon, or we can make this one long, drawn-out hug. Soaking up all its superpowers, saving the others for later.” He brings my hand up to his lips, kissing my knuckles.

“I’m thinking this hug has turned into handholding.” I raise an eyebrow, curious.

Kyle’s lips purse, his eyes squint into slits. “I can see where you get that, but I’m still saying hand hug.” He nods, face relaxing.

I can’t help it. I have a real smile on my face. Not the kind where it’s forced, but a smile from being happy.

This man is sitting beside me doing everything he can to set me at ease. I accused him of so many things…but instead of pointing fingers as I have experienced time and time again, he’s showing me that it’s not that serious. Sometimes situations are just that. Situations. Nothing more and nothing less. You just deal and move on.

Is that what I’m finally doing? Moving on?

“So, even though I think you look gorgeous,” he gives me another squeeze, “I’m thinking going out is not an option, am I right?”

Swinging my head around, I take him in, wondering what is the right answer. Before, I would have run every scenario in my head, contemplating the outcome.

Flipping the mirror back down, one handed, I look myself over. Eyes wide, yet clear. The puffiness almost gone. Makeup a little worn, but not noticeable. Honestly, we could go somewhere, but I’m not willing to leave this moment, the security of being safe.

“Do you care if we just get a pizza or maybe a sandwich to go?” I quickly turn, not wanting to see his reaction. I would hate myself if he was disappointed.

“Of course not. How about…” He trails off.

“Or we could drive around and I’ll just eat something when I get back.” I can’t help but continue. “I mean that’s if you want to drive around. I know this isn’t what you had planned—”

“Nina…” Another squeeze. This one longer, putting me at ease.

Maybe this hugging thing is for real.

“I was just going to suggest something, but I don’t want to freak you out or you to get the wrong idea.” He brings our hands back up. This time brushing my knuckles over his lips, while he searches my face. “I want to take you someplace, but I want it to be a surprise.”

“A surprise?”

“Yeah, but it’s a couple miles out of town and, well…” Kyle takes a deep breath, setting our hands down, before he continues. “I need you to trust me.”

Without thinking, I reach over with my other hand, placing it on his arm. “I can.” I begin to lightly brush his arm. “I mean, I do. I trust you.”

“Well, good.” He glances down and grins.

“I’m sorry.” I realize that I’m still caressing his arm. Pulling back one hand, I try to free up the other.

“I like it,” he blurts out, not allowing our hand hug to break.

“I do too.” I’m not sure where the honesty comes from.

“Then hands back on me, woman.” He turns, taking us down a long, dark, and very rocky road. “Remember? Trust.”

“I can do abandoned road, but if we pass a cemetery then I’m outta here,” I laugh

Kyle stiffens, slowing down. “What about pets?”

“I love animals.”

“Dead ones?”

“Okay this isn’t exactly…” I search the area, wondering if I made the wrong decision.

“Pet cemetery. Just a small one,” he says. “Actually, I’m not even sure if you can see it from the road.” He looks over to me. “I promise, it’s not as creepy as it sounds.”

“Remember that movie?” I shiver thinking about it.

“Confession? I can’t do scary movies. They freak me out.” He lets out a slight laugh.

“Me too.”

“It’s the music.”

“You totally get me. Sometimes, if something freaky comes on the TV, I’ll throw my hands over my ears and sing la-la-la-la until it’s over,” I tell him.

“Well, I’m not that bad.”

“So, I’m guessing you don’t like Halloween either?” I ask, enjoying our little conversation.

“I love it, just not scary costumes. I think they’re unnecessary.”

“Christmas?”

“It’s everything, especially the cookies.”

“I make really awesome Christmas cookies.”

“Can’t wait to try some.” He winks.

Christmas? Cookies? I tally the months in my head. Is he serious or just being friendly?

The truck comes to a stop, saving me from my thoughts. “We’re here.” He puts the truck in park.

“What’s this?” I’m in awe of the massive cabin in front of me.

“It’s my cabin.” He looks over at me and for the first time I can see the insecurity, the need of approval…from me.

“It’s huge.”

“That’s what she said.” He winks, breaking the ice a little more.

“Always a comedian.” I reach for the handle, but Kyle breaks our connection by reaching across my lap, stopping me. “Nina, chivalry’s not dead.”

“What?”

“Please, let me.” He nods towards the door.

“Oh! Okay.”

Tucking my hands in between my legs, I straighten my shoulders and sit a little taller, waiting for him to run around. I haven’t really noticed it before, but it’s always been there. Java Talk, Woody’s, offering to take me home, helping me paint, letting me go first… always the gentleman.

I’ve been so set on proving myself I really haven’t taken a look at the big picture. Kyle is almost too good to be true.

A good guy.

Hitting his hand on the hood, he hurries around to open my door. “After you m’lady.” He waves his hand in a circular motion as he bows.

“Why thank you kind sir.” I hold out my hand for him to take and step down doing a little curtsy.

Standing side by side, Kyle’s hands now in his pockets, we stand there admiring his new cabin together.

“Did you just buy it?” I glance up at him.

Looking back down at me, unusually quiet. “I built it.”

Eyes wide, I look between him and this monstrosity he calls a cabin. “This whole thing?”

This gets him to crack a smile. “The whole thing.”

“You?”

“Me.”

“Kyle, this is amazing. You built this with your own two hands?” I spin to stand in front of him.

“These…” He removes his hands from his pockets, holding them in front of him. “…some cool tools and big badass equipment, but yeah, I did.”

Not even thinking, I grab both of his hands and hold them in mine. “These are amazing. You built that…” I let go of one hand to gesture over my shoulder. “A home. Your home.”

A home I wish I had. Everything from the rockers on the wraparound porch to the tire swing off to the side screams family. It’s everything I have ever dreamed about.

“You really know how to build one’s ego.” His gaze is fixed on mine as he begins to joke. “I should show you all the projects I have worked on.”

“I would love that, but right now…” I begin walking backward, his hand still in mine. “I want to see what those hands built.”

Not letting go, we walk hand in hand toward his home. Giving my hand a little squeeze, he whispers, “Thank you.”

“For what?” I nudge his shoulder.

“For trusting in me.”

Trust.

There’s that word again. I did. I let go of my fears and had faith in a man I didn’t really know. And now, instead of following, I’m leading myself to the unknown.