Nina

The more I try to deal on my own, the more I begin to fade away. The darkness lingers in front of me each and every day, and I usually walk away, but today it caught up with me.

Consuming.

“I feel so stupid.” I cry on Niki’s shoulder.

“Don’t do this Nina. You have nothing to feel stupid about.” She cradles my head as she rocks us back and forth.

“I knew it was an accident, but the moment I saw the anger inside of him, I froze. I saw him falling backwards.” I let the sobs rack my body. “I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see who was really in front of me. I only saw him.”

“Shhhh…it’s okay, sweetie.” She pulls my head back. “You didn’t do this.”

“Didn’t I?” I swipe my tears away and get up. “I didn’t leave. I stayed.”

I stayed.

“Nina?” She comes up beside me.

“It’s true.” I begin pacing the room. “I stayed and let his actions destroy me. His words kill me. His fists mark me.”

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say those words.” Niki is in front of me, pleading with me to listen. “Don’t you believe those words.”

“I don’t want to, but then there are times like today…” I look up, trying to fight back a fresh flood of tears. “That I feel weak and helpless. If I could have just…”

“Nina, honey…you have to talk to someone. Living like this is not an option. It’s destroying you,” she says as she reaches up to brush the tears away.

“I thought I was doing good.” I shake my head, curling my lips in. “Each day, I picked myself up piece by piece. I was finding myself, who I am now. But today…” I wipe my eyes, but there are no more tears. “I was held captive by the nightmares.”

“Nina...”

“Niki? Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be able to live a life without him?”

“Yes, my sweet girl. I promise you that.” She pulls me back in for a hug and the tears I thought were gone come flooding back.

“How?”

“Let those who love you in. Me, Gav, we are here for you, and Kyle.”

“Kyle?”

“Girl, that man is worthless without you. I thought I was going to have to pick him up and carry him in when he dropped you off.”

“What?”

“After I saw you walk through those doors, I went outside to give him a piece of my mind, but Nina, he looked just as broken as you.” She goes to stand by the window, pulling back the curtain. “He was scared, and a fear like that only comes from losing someone you love.”

Love?

“How do you—”

“I’ve been there. I have been him and I’ve seen him.” She turns, letting the curtains fall closed. “Gavin and I, we’ve had a rough road, but the one thing that got us through was being there to pick each other up.”

“How do I love him back?” I stand, head down, feeling defeated.

“You let them in here.” She taps her chest. “It’s a fucking battle, the war of hearts, but…” She reaches down, taking my hand in hers, and squeezes.

Hand hug…. Kyle.

“Sometimes to conquer love, you have to battle your past. Nina, go to war. Fight the battle and win.”

Her words sink in. I have been so afraid to show my heart that I have basically given up before we could ever start.

“Nina, take me home.”

I survived Brandon, but I won’t survive losing him.

I refuse to be another victim. The past is a disease, threatening to infect my future. Nope. I’m not doing it. Today, I’m making a choice. I’m going to be a survivor.

Leaving was the first step. Saying goodbye will be the second, closing the door on everything that sucked the life from me.

I will stand once again, calling to the light and flipping off the dark.

Hearing a light rap on the door, I pull my robe tight and pad my way to see who it is.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes.

You are not hopeless!

Opening the door, I see a man once tall and strong slumped over in defeat.

I did this.

“Kyle.” His name falls from my lips.

He lifts his head and swallows. “Can I come in?”

Nodding, I open the door wider.

Inviting.

“Nina, I’m so, so sorry.” He turns to pull me into his arms, but stops.

I did this. I caused him to pull back. To doubt himself.

“I don’t know what happened back there, but what I do know is that I’m not going to lose you.”

“You haven’t lost me,” I whisper.

“I’m not going to let you run away without a fight.” He begins to pace. “You came into my life and took my shattered heart and pieced it back together…” He stops. “Wait, what?”

“You haven’t lost me,” I repeat.

“Oh, thank God!” He stalks toward me, pulling me into his arms.

I tense.

He’s not Brandon.

He squeezes harder.

Kyle.

I relax.

“Kyle, I’m so broken—”

“Everyone is a little broken.” He steps back and looks down at me. “But I need you to trust me with the cracks. Let me be the one to repair you, while you heal me.”

“You don’t understand.” I turn my back to him.

He comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I tense.

“What did I do?” He backs away. “I swear…”

I turn to face him and our eyes connect.

“I’m not that person,” he continues. “I would never lay a hand on you.” He sticks his hands in his pockets.

“I know you wouldn’t—”

“Then let me in,” he interrupts.

I want to. I so desperately do, but there is something that is keeping me from doing so. Is it me? Is it Brandon?

“You don’t understand!” I shout. “Being with me…” I shake my head. “It won’t be easy. I would be lying if I said days like today would never happen again.”

“Nina, I can’t understand if you don’t tell me.” He begs for any answer I’m willing to give.

“How do I tell you? How do I admit I’m weak?” I’m all over the place, nervous that once he finds out, he’ll leave.

“Nina? You aren’t weak, baby.” He comes over and slowly turns me around, being cautious about touching me. “You,” he cups my face, “are so fucking strong.”

Laughing, I break free.

“Oh really? Is that why I dropped out of school and let a man, whom I thought loved me, control everything?” I begin to count off on my fingers. “House, money, bills, what I wore, what I ate, how I ate…” The tears start to flow. “So strong that I sat at home while he worked late nights, screwing his way to the top? So damn strong that I hid going to design school, afraid that he would get upset? So fucking strong that I cowed down when he raised a hand?”

I bend over to catch my breath, exhausted from the confession.

Hands on my knees, I look up at him through my lashes. “Kyle, that isn’t strong. That’s weak.” I stand tall and turn to the mirror that we hung the other day. “I wasn’t just afraid of Brandon, I was terrified of myself.” I take a step closer and even though you can’t see the marks, I know the scars are there. “I’m my own kind of monster.”

“Nina.” He stands behind me, his reflection staring at mine. “My sweet Nina, full of strength and scars.”

“I’m hopeless.”

“Take my hand.” He holds out his hand, palm up.

Turning, I take it.

He squeezes. “I still need you.”

“Kyle the thing about my scars, they’re like demons within, never playing by the rules. Some days I’m able to push them down, but days like today,” I tap my temple, “they just fight harder to get in here.”

“Then let me in there.” He holds our hands over my heart. “So I can heal here.” He leans over, kissing my temple.

“I don’t know. When I give up control, when I turn away, the demons always stay.”

“Nina, let me stay. Let me be the one to protect you, to fight the battles of your heart, saving you from the war. Let me love you.” And on a desperate plea he confesses what we both already know.

“I.”

“Love.”

“You.”

Kyle is so real, his words raw, hitting home. I let the walls fall back down.

“I love you too.” I confess. Taking his other hand, I whisper a plea. “Kyle, take me. My pain, my fear.”

He pulls me to him and rests his forehead against mine as the tears start to fall. We stand for what could be forever. I lose all sense of time when he holds me. As always, he takes his time with me, lets me set the pace.

I said everything I could with my words. And what I couldn’t say is now falling from my eyes, washing away the hurt, the past.

I feel his thumbs brushing my cheeks, and the whisper of his lips begins to flutter across my face. His kisses grow more urgent and my mouth finds his, licking the seam of his lips and he opens up and deepens the kiss.

We communicate with our mouths.

Kissing.

Tasting.

Giving.

Taking.

He groans against my mouth and my body instinctively presses into him, needing to be closer.

Taking the hint, he lifts me into his arms, and I hold on tight as he carries me back to my bedroom. As he sits me down at the foot of bed he slides my body down his.

Catching my breath, I watch him watching me. Taking my hands in his, he squeezes. “Nina, we don’t have to rush this.”

Who knew a hand hug could be foreplay?

Every squeeze of his palm shoots straight to my core and I know that I’m tired of waiting.

“We’re not. Kyle, please.”

Freeing my hands, I untie my robe, letting it fall to the floor before placing a hand on either side of his face and bringing his mouth back to mine.

Kiss.

“I want this.”

Kiss.

“I want you.”

Kiss.

“I need you.”

Kiss.

“Don’t make me...” he interrupts me and seals his mouth over mine as he backs me up and lays me beneath him on the bed.

When he climbs between my legs, I feel his arousal pressed between my thighs and I rock into him, closing my eyes tightly.

“Nina, Nina look at me.” And the doubt creeps in. But opening my eyes is all it takes to erase the doubts, the fear of rejection, because I see his desire immediately.

“I don’t want to rush this,” he says. “I want to savor you, the way you were meant to be savored.” He draws my tank over my head and I lift my arms to help him rid me of the barrier, slowly dragging the lace up my arms. “I’m going to worship you with my hands, my mouth, and my body.”

Speechless.

Leaning forward he traces the curve from my shoulder to neck, and moisture floods my center in anticipation of his mouth being someplace else.

Everywhere he puts his mouth it’s like a healing touch. Every kiss, every swipe of the tongue, every gesture, every word... he’s putting me back together.

His hand moves lower, pulling my pajama bottoms to the side, and he drags his finger through my sex, back and forth.

Back. And. Forth.

He places delicate kisses on my thighs while he continues pleasuring me. I rock against his hand, wanting more.

“Kyle. Now. Please.” I begin to buck as he picks up the pace.

“Not until you come for me.” His voice is heavy with lust. And I lose it, crying out as an orgasm tears through me.

Once again, our mouths find each other. His hands roam my body, massaging as they go.

I sit up, reach for him and pull his shirt over his head.

I smile, licking my lips.

He nods, stepping back from the bed and ridding himself of jeans and boxers.

Before he climbs back to me, he reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a condom.

“Safety first,” we say in unison, smiling.

He settles back between my legs and I feel his hard length pressed up against me as he strokes himself.

I reach down, placing my hand over his, and feel him. A hiss escapes his lips. “Nina, baby, I would love nothing more than to have your hands on me. But I need to be inside you.”

Lying back, I nod and wrap my arms around his neck as he sheaths himself. I’m getting close to being ready again, just from the feel of him so close to my center.

He lines himself up and questions me once more, with just a look. “I’m yours, Kyle.”

And he gently slides into me, taking his time. Our eyes lock and as he fills my body, he’s also filling my heart.

“It’s like you were made for me.” He moans as he quickens his pace.

Our lips connect, his hands on me and mine tangle in his hair. We move as one.

My movements grow more frantic as he grows harder inside of me. Without warning, my orgasm crashes though my body and his follows right after. The only sounds are our breathing and moans as pleasure overtakes us both.

We ride out the high, and he rolls over on his back, taking me with him. I’m thankful he doesn’t want to break the connection either.

Kyle takes my palm in his, giving it a squeeze, and continues holding me to him. Our hands hugging, resting on his chest, over his heart.

In this moment, I know what it is to be cherished. What we just did was beyond sex. What we have, what we can be, is more than I ever imagined I could have.

In my world, love hurts. But his touch right now is perfect. Painless.