Nina

Feeling the warmth of the sun kissing my face, I pull the covers up to hide for just a few more minutes. Sulking in bed is my new favorite pastime. Hiding behind the room-darkening shades…

“Hey!” I throw the covers off and quickly sit up. I see my sister, Niki, curled up on the chaise lounge in the corner. Knees to her chin, her sweater pulled over, and of course a freshly brewed cup of coffee snuggled between her hands.

Shrugging her shoulders, she brings her favorite mug to her lips and downs it. Typical Niki. She doesn’t care how hot, what kind or how it’s prepared. Sipping coffee is for “weak-ass bitches” — her words, not mine.

“You know, you are way more than a coffee whore right now.” I point at her. “How about you close the curtains on your way out?” I fall back into the pile of pillows, ready to wait her out. I keep my eyes focused on the ceiling, avoiding her stare. If I stay just like this, she will eventually have to leave to get ready for work.

Okay bad plan. The sun, it’s too bright and my skin feels like it’s on fire. How in the hell do dogs stand lying in this crap? Turning my head to the side, I blink a few times and rub the warm spot on my face.

9:36 AM

She’s late. I turn back toward her and our eyes meet.

Not saying a word, she untangles her legs from her sweater and stands, just looking at me. I’ve seen this expression too many times in the past month. Placing the mug on the dresser, she takes the few steps she needs to be at my side. “Nina…”

Here it comes. The lecture she gives me every morning. “Nina, you need to either get up and talk about what happened or do something about it.”

Feeling the bed dip, I roll over to defuse the bomb for one more day, “Niki, please. Just a little more time. I promise, I’m dealing the only way I…Niki?”

This isn’t the bomb. This is something more. Something I haven’t seen since our parents’ funeral. Niki crying. Silent tears streaming down her face. “I don’t know how to help you. Every day I try, and each day you say you are dealing the only way you know how, but you aren’t. I’m losing you, Nina.” Her soft hands cradle my face. “You are the only family I have left. You can’t leave me. You got it? I need you to snap out of this. I need you to talk to me…please.”

My sister, the strongest woman I have ever known, sassy and fierce, a force to be reckoned with, is breaking down and it’s my fault. Niki Sanders is as strong and confidant as they come, but right now, she’s desperate. Desperate for me to let her in, but even though I’m seeing her like this, I’m not sure if I can.

“Did you call off work because you were worried about me?” Of course, she is worried. My life for the past three years has been a total lie. Even the good times we had, in the beginning, were fake. The man I thought I knew never existed. I know that now.

“It’s Tuesday. I only work when Gavin is short at the club, but that’s not the point. You need to get up.” She lifts her cashmere-covered arm to her face, wiping the tears away. Her mask is back on, the fight in her is back.

Wait? Did she say Tuesday?

“The club? What about school?”

“Oh, hell no!” She jumps up and flings the covers off of me. “I knew you were out of it, but this…I’m not letting you travel this path any longer. Up!”

“Hey! Give them back!” I desperately try to reach for something to cover myself up.

“Look at you, Nina.” She looks around the room then stalks over to the mirror hanging by the door. She pulls it and the nail it hung from off the wall and returns to my side. “Look at you! Do you see who you have become?”

Looking at her, but avoiding my reflection, I reply, “I don’t need to see myself, I know.”

“Dammit! Look at yourself.” She slaps her hand down on the mirror. Her ring hits against it, causing the glass to crack. “You don’t eat, you haven’t been outside. You’re weak and frail.”

“Niki, please.”

“Now!”

A knock on the door interrupts her, but Niki’s eyes are locked in on mine. Daring me to look.

“Everything okay in here?” Gavin Shaw, Niki’s fiancé, questions.

I know if I so much as look away, I’m liable to end up on the floor in an arm bar, a move from one of the self-defense classes she has taken.

“We’re fine,” we yell in unison.

“Niki, remember, she’s your sister.” Gavin glances at me, giving me a small smile, before he turns to leave.

“Yes. She. Is.” She tilts her head, her long, chestnut locks falling to the side.

If I didn’t know her so well I would fight this battle, but with Niki, you never win.

“Fine.” I whisper, bringing my eyes to the mirror.

This can’t be. I reach my hand out, running it over the lines of my body. Who have I become?

Looking down, I take the same hand and touch my body. My once athletic frame is now a shell of what it once was. Since meeting Brandon, I was on a mission to lose weight, wanting to satisfy him. From physical to career to personal, appearance was everything to him. This should have been a red flag, but when you love someone, you look beyond, right? Weak and pale, bones bulging, I don’t recognize the girl who sits here. But I’m the girl in the mirror. I’m her.

“Nina, it’s Tuesday.” She sets down the mirror. “It’s June, school is out for the summer.”

“What?” I push myself up. “June?”

“You’ve been here for three weeks. Now, get your ass up.” She walks over to the dresser and starts grabbing some clothes, throwing them on the bed. “I gave you the time you needed. Today, your time is up.”

“Okay. You’re right.” I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand.

“Of course, I am.” She stops to smile at me, hands on her hips. “Next time don’t doubt me. Now go shower.”

“Okay.”

A shower will do me some good. Sliding on my slippers I pad over to the chair where I left my towel yesterday. “Where’s my towel?”

“You mean the one from Saturday? It’s in the wash and if you are wondering what that smell is…it’s you!”

Walking past her, I stick my tongue out. I hate it when she is right. Mentally checking off the days, as I head to the bathroom, I realize it has been three days since I took one.

“New towel and washcloth are on the sink and your makeup is on the counter. Be ready in an hour,” she shouts after me.

Peeking out, I ask, “An hour?”

“We are going for coffee. Aubrey had to cancel and, well, you know how I get if I don’t get my fill. So, no excuses.” She looks down at her watch. “Make that fifty-five minutes. You’re moving too slow.”

Being a tad overdramatic, for the ultimate sister experience, I roll my eyes and let out a whoosh of a sigh. All in her line of vision. After all, that’s what little sisters are for.

After shutting the door, I reach my hand into the shower and turn on the water. As the steam begins to fill the room, I begin to undress, catching my reflection. How did I not notice? Three weeks of walking around numb to my surroundings. Somewhere down the road, I lost who I was.

Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. How do you say goodbye to someone you once loved, without it affecting you? It was supposed to set me free, not cage me in my own fears. If I continue like this, living a life in pain, I let him win and I refuse to believe my struggles were in vain.

The mirror begins to fog and my reflection vanishes. “Just like I did.” My voice barely audible. If I wouldn’t have spoken the words, I wouldn’t have known I said them. I didn’t get to say goodbye, I escaped from Brandon, but not the fears that followed me.

Niki is right. I need to talk to somebody. The past three years, I have been told who I can and can’t talk to. Today, I’m giving myself a choice. I may not be ready to talk today, but that is my choice, but what I am ready for.

Acceptance.

I can’t undo my past, but I can change my future.