Ripley
My eyes flutter open and it takes a moment for the cobwebs to clear. That’s why I hate taking Xanax. The rest of the day, I’ll have that lingering hungover feeling. Snippets of last night flash through my mind as embarrassment sets in. I can’t believe I started having a panic attack, and I can only imagine what Brock thought. Rolling over in bed, I find that the other side is empty, and it’s clear no one slept there.
Probably being the gentleman, he slept on the couch. I climb out of bed, only wobbling slightly before stepping into the bathroom to pee, wash my hands and face, and brush my teeth. I quickly run my brush through my hair until the tangles are out and then throw it up into a bun. Taking a deep breath, I psych myself up and head downstairs. I certainly don’t expect to see Jonah sitting on the couch when I reach the bottom, but there he is, and he stands up as soon as he sees me.
“Hey, what are you doing here? Is Alex okay?” He comes toward me and grabs my hand, pulling me over to the couch to sit. “You’re freaking me out. What’s going on? Where’s Brock?”
“Alex is fine. I just talked to Jess and she’s making him breakfast. She’ll bring him over in a bit. I just wanted to talk to you. Do you remember anything from last night after Brock took you to bed?”
I shake my head, because I honestly don’t. “Did I say something embarrassing?”
Jonah shakes his head and situates himself so we’re facing each other. “Sweetheart, I hate to tell you this, but when he carried you to bed, you started mumbling about something and he asked you what, thinking you were awake, but you started fighting him and crying out.” He swallows heavily and clenches his eyes closed before opening them. “He knows about Alex. You told him some, then he called me and I came over and filled in the rest.”
That’s when I notice there are multiple holes in the wall by my front door. This is my worst nightmare. I look back at Jonah. “Brock?” He nods his head slowly. “Where did he go?” My voice is soft and unsure.
“I don’t know where he went, but he left around one in the morning.” I hang my head as Jonah speaks, but I don’t hear anything he says. Brock must think I’m a horrible person; maybe he blames me for it happening. The first tear hits my hand, then another and another. A quiet sob escapes my lips, and then I’m in Jonah’s arms. “I know honey.” He croons as he rocks me side to side.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go down. I knew he’d be upset when he found out what his dad did, but would he have walked out if he heard it from me? I get myself under control and pull away. On wooden legs, I move into the kitchen and start some coffee, staring as it drips steadily into the carafe.
“Do you want me to take you over to his grandparents’ house so you can talk to him?”
I want to say no, but I want him to say how he feels to my face—no slinking off, never to be heard from again. “Do you mind?”
“No, not at all. We can go whenever you’re ready.” From the cupboard above the coffeemaker, I grab two to-go mugs and fill them both. I hand Jonah his and grab mine, taking it into the living room where I slip on my tennis shoes and grab my purse and phone.
Once we’re in his car, I give him the address and stare silently out the passenger window as we make our way toward their home. A while later, I hear Jonah’s voice. “I don’t see his truck.”
I look toward the house and he’s right, Brock’s truck is gone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. “Will you wait for me?” I ask as I open the door.
“Of course. I’ll be right here.”
Climbing out of the car, I move slowly toward the front door. I’m scared, scared he’s gone, scared he isn’t. With each step I take, it dawns on me that maybe we were just never meant to be together, and the thought kills me. I reach the front door and ring the bell.
The door opens and his grandpa is standing there. “Ripley? Are you okay sweetheart?”
“I’m fine, thank you. I was looking for Brock. I know his truck’s gone, but is he coming back soon?” My heart beats a rapid staccato in my chest and it takes all my willpower not to cover my ears so I don’t hear anything he says, especially since the sad look in his eyes tells me I really don’t want to hear it.
“He left early this morning. He didn’t say when he was coming back. Sweetheart, what happened? Would you like to come in and talk?” He’s so sweet, and it makes me want to cry.
I cough to clear the frog from my throat. “I can’t, but thank you for the offer. I need to be getting home. My boy will be there soon.” I hold out my hand for a handshake, but he pulls me into a hug instead.
“Whatever it is, you guys will work it out. God wouldn’t put you two in paths that would cross if it’s not his grand plan, and he didn’t want you two together.” This man makes me miss my grandparents, and I nod before walking back to Jonah’s car.
I ask Jonah to take me to Alex; he just nods, and then we’re off. I’ll give Brock time . . . for now, but he can’t run from this.
Alex’s head is in my lap and I stroke his baby fine hair as we watch Finding Dory for the millionth time. My baby boy has been kind of quiet since Jessica brought him home; maybe it’s just because he’s picking up on my pouty mood. I had hoped I would hear from Brock at some point today, but I haven’t heard from him at all. I texted him about an hour ago to see if he wanted to talk but got nothing in return, which didn’t surprise me in the least.
I want to break down, but I can’t. I can’t let Alex see me like that, especially since he’s too young to understand any of it. Over the past four years, I’ve often wondered what I will say when he asks about his father, knowing full well that I’ll never tell him. I can’t imagine it would be good to find out the way he was conceived. It was a conscious decision I made when I didn’t terminate the pregnancy.
It’s not good to lie, but wouldn’t it do more harm to tell him the truth? In reality, the only thing he needs to know is that I love him more than anything and he’s got a family that loves him too.
“Baby, are you getting hungry for dinner? Mommy will make your favorite if you want.” This kid could eat his weight in chicken nuggets easily.
“Can we have mac and cheese too?”
I place my lips on the top of his head, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. “We sure can. Lift up, baby, and I’ll go get it started.” He sits up and I give him a big hug, squeezing him tight before I stand up and head into the kitchen. My phone pings and I can’t help but rush toward it, then am filled with disappointment when I see that it’s Jessica, not Brock.
JESSICA: Hey girl! Have you heard from him?
RIPLEY: No
JESSICA: Jonah is threatening to go kick his ass for you, just FYI.
Of course he is, but damn, it’s time to stop involving everyone else in my life. They’ve done so much; when are they going to say enough is enough and cut ties with us? What if all my drama drove a wedge between Jess and Jonah? I’d never forgive myself.
RIPLEY: Please tell him thanks, but I’ll take care of it. I need to stop pulling you guys into my drama. You guys are getting married in a couple weeks—you have more important stuff to worry about.
JESSICA: Girl we love you, we love Alex. Why wouldn’t we worry? She’s such a sweetheart.
RIPLEY: I know, and we love you too, but I just don’t want to become a burden.
JESSICA: I’m about to hop in my car and come over and smack you for saying that. We’re family, whether blood or not, and you’d do the same for us so shut up with that burden talk. If you need us, we’re here.
RIPLEY: Okay, and I’m sorry, you’re right. I love you!
After dinner, we skip Alex’s bath; he’ll get one in the morning. To be honest, I’m exhausted and want to go to bed, but of course, I have to wait until Alex goes to bed. I want him close, and at bedtime I let him lie with me in bed while he watches cartoons and I read. Of course I’m barely paying attention to the story because I can’t stop thinking about Brock and his lack of communicating.
I look down when I feel a wet spot on my stomach where Alex’s head is resting; I see he’s fast asleep and has left a huge drool spot on me. I grab him under his arms and pull him up so he’s lying on the pillows next to me, and then I stare at his sleeping face. How this beautiful little creature could come from such a horrible act is beyond me.
I’m thankful every day that there seems to be none of him in my child. A part of me prayed that he’d look like Brock, but in a way I’m glad he doesn’t; it would hurt too much looking at his sweet little face. My fingers stroke his little cheek and I smile as he snuggles deeper into my fluffy pillows. I shut the TV off and grab my phone from the nightstand.
I have things I need to say to Brock, and if he ignores me, that’s on him. My stomach knots painfully as I start typing the text.
RIPLEY: Hey, I know you’re ignoring me and that’s fine, but there are some things I need to say. I wish I’d been the one to tell you about your dad. You have no idea what it was like to wake up in a strange room, not remembering how I got there and finding your dad sitting in the corner. I threw up all over the bed when I realized what had happened. The whole time he said nothing, just wore a cocky grin on his face. I never pressed charges because I didn’t want to hurt your mom or my parents, and I didn’t want it getting back to you. I blamed myself for a long time and then I found out I was pregnant. I know Jonah told you that story, and believe it or not, I don’t regret my decision to have Alex. I love him so much I would die for him, would kill for him. I can’t figure out why you’re avoiding me, but maybe it’s because I disgust you now? I don’t expect you to have a relationship with Alex because honestly he can’t ever know who his father is, but maybe a part of me hoped you’d want to be in our lives. Obviously that was wishful thinking. I love you, Brock. I’ve loved you since I was fifteen, and I think I’ll love you forever. You were meant to be mine, and I was meant to be yours, we just can’t seem to get it right because you seem to love running when things get rough, and Alex and I deserve better than that. I could go on and on, but that’s all I want you to know for now.
My thumb hovers over the send key and before I can delete it, I hit send, set my phone down, and go to sleep.
Brock
What am I doing here? I’ve been sitting in my truck down from Ripley’s house for the past half hour. The house is dark except I can see the flicker of a TV up on the second floor. Is she having trouble sleeping? Is it because of me? Is it because of what that son of a bitch did to her? I felt terrible about leaving, but I needed time to process everything. I can’t believe that sweet little boy shares the same DNA as the bastard that sired me.
My phone rings and pulls me out of my thoughts. It’s Tiffany, and honestly I’m not really in the mood to talk to her, but fuck me, I can’t be mean to her. I’ll just talk to her quickly and be done.
“Hey Tiff. How are you?”
“I’m good honey. I was just checking in on you, seeing how things were going.” I wish I felt more for her. “Have you worked things out with your ex?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. How do I answer her, especially now that I know the truth about her son? “Honestly . . . I have no idea. Things have come to light that make things even more muddled. Maybe when I get back we can talk over coffee or something.”
“Really?” Her sigh sounds relieved and sends off a tiny warning in the back of my head, but I ignore it. “Well, that would be great.”
“Okay, it’s a plan then. I’ll be leaving next Monday and should be home late Tuesday or early Wednesday. I’ll call you when I’m home.” I hear my phone beep and pull it away from my ear, seeing it’s a text from Ripley. “I’ve got to go, but we’ll talk later.”
“Sounds great, baby.” Wait . . . what? “Call me when you’re home.”
“Yeah sounds good.” I disconnect the call and pull up Ripley’s text message, and my stomach turns as I read it. I can’t even imagine what that was like for her, and it makes me homicidal to imagine that man touching her. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I read the line where she says she thinks I’m disgusted by her over and over again. I hate that she didn’t report him because she didn’t want to hurt my mom, didn’t want it to get back to me.
It’s not hard to realize that she would in fact die or kill for that child, my brother. Bile sits in my throat; is she telling me goodbye? I know I shouldn’t be surprised because I haven’t spoken to her since I found out about my dad’s heinous act. It’s just . . . it’s just I need time to process everything I’ve learned. I feel like it’s my fault that it happened because had I not left her, I could’ve protected her. She wouldn’t have been out drinking because she would’ve been with me.
I look up at the window again and see that the TV is now off. With a sigh, I start up my truck and head home. When I step inside, I find my granddad sitting at the dining room table. “Can’t sleep?” I sit down across from him.
“No, not really. What were you doing tonight?”
I scrub a hand over my head. “Sitting outside Ripley’s house.”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “Why? Did something happen?”
I need to talk to someone, and I can trust my granddad to keep it to himself. “Can we sit outside and talk?” We both stand up and he follows me outside.
Side by side, we sit on the top step. I take a deep breath and spill everything—everything but the fact that it’s my dad I’m talking about. By the time I’m done, I’m crying like a girl, but I don’t care because I’ve kept everything bottled up inside me for too long. “Why her, why did that have to happen to my Ripley? I don’t get how someone could be so cruel.
My granddad wraps his arm around my shoulders, cursing under his breath. “That poor girl.” He lowers his voice. “I’m not sure how someone could do something like that except that maybe they’re sick. I mean it’s obvious that he’s evil, but my God, to do what he did is insane.” My granddad hugs me into his side. “Son, I know it hurts, but don’t let the hate flowing through you infect you.” I finally stop crying; there is just so much anger and sadness inside me right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
“I have another appointment with mom’s psychologist.”
“That’s good son. It’s not good to keep that shit inside you. It begins to fester and could destroy you. I’m here for you and whatever you need, or whatever the beautiful girl and her handsome son need.” We both finally head inside.
In my bed, I stare up at the ceiling for a long time, Tiny restless next to me. “I know buddy. I just need a little more time and then we’ll go back. It’s also time to start looking for a place, because I think we should move back here. What do you think?” He bumps my hand with his snout. “I thought you might like that idea.”