Brock
Every time I pull the washcloth from Ripley’s swollen eyes, I cringe. It serves me right though; I had no business coming here. I should’ve let her be, let her live her life with her son. She seems happy, and now I’ve caused her more pain. Apparently that’s what I’m good at, just like my father. Sure, maybe I’m not exactly like him, but I’m obviously toxic to her.
While she sleeps, I can’t help but stroke my hand over her hair. She’s so fucking beautiful, and she still takes my breath away. When we used to lie in the bed of my truck and she’d be asleep, I’d watch her and thank the lord for bringing her into my life. I get up and move around her living room, taking in all the pictures. There’s one in particular that I’m drawn to. Her son is still a baby and they are both on their stomachs, facing each other. They both have the sweetest smiles on their faces.
Jonah and a brunette are in quite a few photos. They appear to be together, but there are some of Ripley and Jonah where I’d almost think they were a couple. On her entertainment center sits a picture of Ripley and her dad; he’s holding the young toddler in his arms.
Curiosity gets the best of me and I move up the stairs. The first room I reach is obviously Ripley’s. Her room is a hodge-podge of furniture; nothing matches, but it works, giving the space a quirky look. It’s also filled with the scent of lavender, which was always her favorite. I back out before I get too nosy. Down the hall, I come to her boy’s room and smile. It’s all racecars. From his actual bed to his sheets and the decals on his wall, it’s nothing but cars. I back out of his room and head back downstairs.
Ripley’s still out and I know I should lock up and leave, but after the tears earlier, I can’t in good conscience go. I find her remote and turn the TV on, leaving the volume down low so as to not wake her. I sit down at the other end of the couch, picking her feet up and placing them in my lap.
She has Netflix so I start watching The Office, which was one of her favorite shows when we were younger. I slip off my shoes and rest my feet on top of her coffee table, and it doesn’t take long before I’m lost in the wild antics of the show. I get through the first season and Ripley still sleeps on the other end. On the coffee table, I spot a bag of Rolos and crack another smile. When we were together, she always had a bag of the individually wrapped caramel-filled chocolates on hand.
I grab the bag, pull a couple out, and unwrap each piece before popping them in my mouth and going back to watching the show.
My eyes flutter open and I hear Ripley’s soft voice. “Really? Uncle Jonah did that? That’s awesome baby. Did you brush your teeth?” A pause. “Good. Yes, I’ll brush mine too.” She has no clue I’m awake so I watch as she smiles, talking to her son. “I love you, too. Yes, Mommy will see you at breakfast. Okay Alex, let me talk to your aunt or uncle. I can’t wait to see you either.”
A warmth spreads through me because her voice is filled with so much love as she talks to Alex. My heart aches because that was a name we had picked out for if our first child together was a boy, along with Tyler, Cameron, and Brock Jr. If we had girls, they’d be Grace, Mara, Angela, or Mandy.
“Jonah, I swear you have to stop spoiling him.” Ripley lets out a soft laugh. “Oh I’m sure it’s all Jessica’s fault. You can’t say no to her either. No it’s fine, what’s one more Nerf gun in my house?” She pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “Yes, we’ll have another battle. No, we didn’t cheat. It’s not Jessica’s or my fault we found the best hiding spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I love you too. Yep, tomorrow at ten. Yes, I’m fine, it’s just a tickle in my throat.”
She hangs up and starts when I stand up from the couch. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
I hate that her shoulders immediately tense up. “Th-That’s okay.” Her eyes are still puffy, but not as bad as before. Without even thinking, I reach out and stroke my thumb back and forth over that puffy skin. Ripley’s eyes shut and she takes a shuddering breath.
“I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve left you in peace, letting you live your life.” Her eyes open and the fire is back in them.
First she knocks my hand away then she gets in my face. “Oh really? You should’ve gone and left me to live in peace? Wow, how fucking sweet of you. Thank you so much for coming back and stirring up all the thoughts of you in my head, and then I’m sure disappearing again.”
She reaches in between us and shoves me, hard. Tears spill down her cheeks, and I hate being the cause of them. Ripley shoves me again. I should stop her, but she needs this, and I need to at least give her something.
“I hate you,” she screams and shoves me again, “but I fucking love you! Why? Why do I still love you? It’s been six years.” My back hits the wall. I take everything she dishes out; it’s my penance for hurting her.
“I don’t know Rip. I don’t know why you still love me.” My voice sounds harsh in my own ears.
She looks up at me and looks so fucking sad. “Do you still love me?” she whispers.
What do I say? Do I tell her I’ve never stopped thinking about her, or that she owns a piece of my heart and I’ll always love her? No. Instead, I make sure I sever all ties. “No, I don’t love you anymore.” It hurts to watch her suck in a deep breath as her face pales.
“Get out.” Her words are quiet, filled with so much pain. “Please go.” Ripley’s voice quivers and her chin wobbling tell me she’s close to breaking, and I need to go before she does. I’m a fucking coward; I’m weak, and all I do is hurt her. She’ll be better off without me. Working my way around her I leave without looking back. I head outside. But a cry behind the closed door doesn’t go unnoticed. The sound so brutal I pause. Maybe I should burst through the door, and apologize for lying? Confess how much I love her . . . that I’ve never stopped loving her. Only I don’t do any of that. Instead, I do what I’ve always done. I run.
It’s not until I’m almost home that I realize tears are running down my face.
Ripley
Bam, bam, bam. My eyes flutter open and my head throbs. Why am I on my living room floor? Last night rushes back, and tears fill my eyes as I remember the way Brock said he didn’t love me anymore.
Keys in the door pull me out of my thoughts, and I’m just pushing myself up when Jonah comes rushing toward me. “Are you okay?” He scans my face. “Rip what happened? You look like shit.”
I move to the couch and sit down. “Brock came here last night. We had words, and I told him I still loved him. He told me h-he d-d-didn’t love me anymore.” I cover my face with my hands as the tears begin to fall again.
As Jonah wraps his arms around me, I fall into him, again needing him for something. When is he going to tire of all this?
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” He holds me for a while before I push gently away from him.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands and give him a smile. “I’m good. I’m okay. Where are Alex and Jessica?” I cough into my hand to clear the frog sitting in my throat.
“They’re at the restaurant. When you didn’t show up and I couldn’t reach you by phone, I ran here to make sure you were okay, which clearly you’re not.”
“I’m fine. I promise, this was good. I got closure, and now I can truly move on and stop holding myself back.” I’m hoping he believes me. “Let me jump in the shower real quick and I’ll come to the restaurant with you.”
I fly up the stairs, put my hair on top of my head, and jump in the shower. After the fastest shower in the history of the world, I hurry out and wrap my towel around me. I moisturize my face then apply enough makeup to disguise the puffiness of my eyes. I brush my hair out and then quickly braid it, letting the thick plait fall over my shoulder.
I race across the hall into my bedroom and throw on black knit shorts and a fitted royal blue Cubs tee. I slip my bare feet into my beat-up old black Chucks and then run downstairs. “I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? We can keep Alex a little longer.”
Squaring my shoulders, I look Jonah in the eye. “No, I’m good. I promise.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we head out to his car. I’m silent on the drive to the restaurant, and I’m grateful he gives me that. I spend the drive pushing any bad thoughts out of my head. When we step inside, I spot Alex and Jessica right away. They’re sitting side by side, coloring, and my baby boy is concentrating so hard, his little tongue peeks out.
Jessica spots us first, and I don’t miss the look of alarm on her face when she sees me. I mouth, I’m okay, and she nods before getting Alex’s attention. He looks up and his little face lights up when he sees me.
“Mommy!” He rushes toward me and I scoop him up in my arms. “I missed you bery, bery much.”
“I missed you too.” We sit opposite Jonah and Jessica, and I can’t stop hugging my boy.
Breakfast goes well, and with Alex there, I have a brief reprieve from any questions Jessica may want to ask. She knows a lot of my history, except for anything about Alex. Jonah is the only one who knows everything; he’s the one who has seen me at my lowest, the one who picked me up when I fell.
Since I had Alex, I’ve changed for the better. I got my shit together and put the pieces of my crazy life back together, and I am grateful to know that when my dad died, he was proud of me and the woman I’ve become.
They drop us off at home after we get done with breakfast, or more like brunch. After an emotional night, I just want a relaxing day with my son, so we change into our jammies and snuggle on the couch for a Disney movie marathon, starting with Cars 1 and Cars 2 and ending with Monsters, Inc. and Monsters University.
For dinner I make grilled cheese sandwiches, and I even let him eat in the living room, a special treat because I missed him so much. I smile as I watch him munch happily on his sandwich as he sits on his knees on the floor. He’s starting to lose the toddler chubbiness I love and is looking more and more like a little boy.
I had the easiest pregnancy, and labor was only about twelve hours; I was very lucky. My mom and Jonah were both in the room with me when he was born. Hell, Jonah drove home from college for all of my appointments. We talked about getting married just for Alex, but after we both thought about it we realized it would be a mistake.
I should call and check on Jonah because over the years when I’ve been down and missing Brock, he’s always worn a look of guilt on his face. Unfortunately, I saw that look again this morning. I wish he realized how much he’s made amends with me. He’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake, and he’s Alex’s godfather. We were young and he was a jerk, but that Jonah disappeared the night I got hit.
That night, he lost a lot of friends; some blamed him for everything. I hated that he was shunned like that, and people only began to lighten up on him after it was clear that I forgave him. I’m sure people also heard that his family paid for the ER bill and maybe that helped them forgive him a bit, but he had to really prove he’d changed.
For a long time, he and I both wished we wanted each other the way a couple should. We were so close and it seemed natural to truly be together, but when we kissed, it felt like kissing a sibling. He felt the same, so we knew there was no chance of us being together romantically.
Jonah
As soon as we walk through the door of our home, I grab the one cigarette a week I allow myself and head out to the deck. Staring across the back yard, everything comes rushing back. The moment I met Ripley, the way I always tortured Brock and tried to get under his skin, my relentless pursuit of Ripley all through high school, and then the party after graduation. I’ll never forget what it felt like to watch her get hit and then collapse in my arms. I thought she was dead with the way she went down.
By the time the ambulance got there Brock had already split and Ripley’s friend Kat stood on her other side as we tried to wake her. When the paramedics approached us, Ripley’s eye was already swollen shut and they couldn’t wake her either. Silence surrounded all of us while we watched helplessly as they put her on the gurney.
I rode with Cale and Kat to the hospital, and even after Ripley’s parents showed up, I wouldn’t’t leave—even though at one point her dad looked like he was going to kill me. My parents, being the amazing people they are, showed up and sat with me until we knew she was okay. See, I wasn’t a dick because I had mean, rich parents that taught that shit to me; I was a dick because I didn’t have to work for anything. Things always just came easy to me, but when I wanted Rip and she said no, I decided I had to get her somehow. I was just a dumb, asshole kid.
I take a deep drag of the cigarette, blowing the smoke out slowly. The sliding door opens and Jessica’s arms wind around my waist. “What’s got you troubled, baby? What happened with Rip?”
“That motherfucker had the nerve to show up at her place, and stir shit up emotions in her that she had locked away, and when she told him she still loved him, he told her he didn’t.” I don’t miss the swift inhale from Jessica. She moves around until she’s between me and the railing.
“Oh my God, poor Rip. I know you’re blaming yourself, but it’s not your fault. Hell, it’s not Brock’s fault it was just an unfortunate accident. Now that he’s back, he should’ve stayed away from her if he no longer had any feelings for her. He’s the one who gave her hope by showing up at her place and then crushing that hope.”
I finish my cigarette and then hug her tight before heading upstairs to change my clothes so I can head to the office. Along with my blog and podcast, I write freelance articles for our local paper. “Why don’t you help me get changed?” I whisper against her neck before picking her up, throwing her over my shoulder, and taking her into our bedroom.