Mike pops his head in my bedroom door, eyeing me suspiciously. “You’re going out? Again?”
“Yes,” I whisper as I swipe on another coat of mascara. Why does he wait until the exact point I can barely speak to talk to me? If my mouth is in any shape other than an O while I do this, mascara mysteriously ends up in my eyeball.
I finish up, then turn to meet his disappointed stare. “What? Why are you giving me that look?”
“You’ve been out every night for the past month. Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun? Just a little?”
He doesn’t know the half of it.
I roll my eyes and stalk to the tiny closet that forces me to sleep upright when I need to hide. “I’m trying to get State’s Sing Out chapter running smoothly before graduation. I can’t help it I have a ton of meetings to ensure a seamless changing of the guard.”
“You’re trying to tell me every prospective candidate has been a guy? Why do I find that so hard to believe?”
I peek around the closet door and sure enough, Mike’s giving me “the look.”
He’s been giving me that same look since sixth grade when he knows I’m bullshitting him.
Weirdly, I appreciate that small consistency in my otherwise turbulent life.
“Have you been spying on me?”
He averts his gaze. A sure sign of his guilt. “I watch out the window to make sure you catch your ride safely. That’s not spying. That’s caring.”
I want to be stern with him, but all my energy is going toward this charade I’m living. I can’t fight battles on multiple fronts.
“Did you ever stop to think these guys might be using you, Evie?”
“I have my mace and Taser at all times. You’ve been dragging my ass to the gym with you to work the bags three times a week since I moved in. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself.”
Mike’s sigh travels straight to my bruised heart. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it. I get that you’ll talk when you want to, and that’s why I haven’t forced a conversation about why you moved out of yours and Rob’s apartment. You’ll tell me when you’re ready. But in the meantime, I don’t want to see you rushing into anything else for a quick rebound. You were with Rob for four years.”
“I can’t be like you, Mike. I can’t take another four years to get over him like you’re still doing with Chelsie.” I clap my hand over my mouth, ashamed at my quick tongue and slow brain.
He jerks back like I’ve slapped him. “Did Rob cheat on you? Is that why you left?”
“No!” I rush forward to apologize and appease the look of murder on Mike’s face. “I already told you, we just grew apart.”
The moment I wrap my arms around his waist, he returns the embrace, but his scowl doesn’t lessen.
“I’m not still getting over Chelsie,” he defends.
“Okay.” I don’t want to pour salt in his wounds, but I meant what I said. If the miserable existence Mike’s been living for the past three years is what I have to look forward to, I’m not sure I’ll survive that. I need to know how he does it. How he keeps going. “So, how many dates have you been on since you two broke up?”
He sticks his tongue in his cheek. “I dunno. I never counted.”
“Uh huh.” The correct answer is none. “Alex says you’ve slept with a different girl every week for the past few years. If that’s true, and you count hook ups as dates, then you’ve dated…”
“Over a hundred and fifty girls.” Mike smirks at my predictable inability to do basic math.
I gag at hearing such a high number. And if Alex has been sleeping with more than one girl every week for longer than Mike has…
Mike laughs. “Every guy pads the numbers, Evie. Alex hasn’t slept with nearly as many girls as you’re imagining.”
“How did you know I was thinking about Alex?”
He taps my nose. “The look on your face says it all.”
“Maybe that look of disgust was for you. You’ve slept with over a hundred girls? Seriously?”
If Mike’s been using meaningless sex to get over his broken heart, then I’m screwed.
So screwed.
And, not literally.
Mike gets this weird, excited gleam in his eyes. “Hell yeah, I did! The second I was free, I went out and banged as many girls as I could! Alex and I started a competition to see who could bag more tail every week, and you know what? It worked. I never think about Chelsie anymore. Fuck, if I’d known then what I know now, I never would have tied myself down to just one chick when there’s a whole world of casual sex out there with no strings, no attachments, no chance of getting hurt.”
I have no words. None. Who the hell is this man hugging me? He feels like my adopted brother. He looks like Mike, smells like Mike. The voice belongs to a guy I think the world of.
His expression turns serious as he gazes down at me. “That sounds like shit, doesn’t it?”
I nod, my mouth hanging open.
“Then, why are you doing it?”
Damn. He’s got me right where he wants me, and I didn’t even feel him pulling the puppet strings.
I step out of his embrace. Distance is key right now. From everyone apparently. “I’m not doing that. I haven’t slept with anyone.” And I never will. “You can’t possibly compare me going out on dates to Alex’s sex addiction and your sudden love for casual sex.”
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t think Alex has a sex addiction, and I don’t have a love of casual sex. I’ve slept with exactly one woman since Chelsie, and frankly, it was a moment of weakness I regret. There. Happy?”
I’ll be happy when he stops sticking his nose in my business. “No. You’ve slept with the same woman over a hundred times, but you call that a moment of weakness? Please tell me you’ve taken her on at least one real date.”
I head back to the closet in an attempt at dismissal, but I really should know better by now.
“Stop being dense. I slept with one woman, one time. And you know damn well I haven’t been on any dates since Chelsie. I invested a lot of time and effort into that relationship. I’m not about to pretend the way it ended didn’t affect me. That’s not fair to me, not fair to Chelsie, and not fair to any woman who might come after her.”
“Oh, so you’re saying I’m being unfair. Is that it? Maybe I’m having many moments of weakness. How about that?”
His laughter surprises me enough for me to stick my head back out of the closet. “I think you’re forcing something you’re not ready for. That’s what I think.”
I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders and leave my safe place to face him directly. If he can see through me, then Rob will, too, and that is absolutely not an option. “I haven’t slept with anyone, Mike. And you’re right. I’ve been with Rob for four long years. I want to see what else is out there. I’m not looking to jump into bed with anyone. I’m not looking for a quick, unhealthy rebound. I’m…exploring my options. There. Now are you happy?”
He quirks an eyebrow at me, but turns to leave the room so I can change, calling over his shoulder as he goes. “Not really, but you do what you gotta do. I’ve gotta say I’m disappointed in you, though. I never imagined you’d be like Chelsie.”
He couldn’t have insulted me more if he’d told me I was a worthless slut who’d let herself be violated.
I run to the doorway and shout down the hall, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
From the couch, he doesn’t bother to grace me with eye contact. Just turns on the TV, and flips through the channels before answering. “You said you’ve been with Rob for four years. Not you were with Rob. That implies you’re still with him. At least in the darkest corners of your mind. You should know he thinks so, too. Since you won’t talk to me, I asked him what was going on when we were training together last week. He thinks you need space and time to deal with some shit. He has no idea you’re exploring your options. If you want to move on, fine. But at least fucking have the decency to tell the guy that. Don’t wait until you’ve found someone better and actually cheat on him.”
“Fuck you and your mind games, Mitchell!” I scream before slamming the door.
I slump against it, sliding to the floor in a heap of shaking limbs and tears. Goddammit, he’s not wrong. If I don’t get my head in the game, this is never going to work. And it has to. Rob deserves for me to get it right just once in my pathetic life.
The time for baby steps is over.
I need to make a big play, now or never.
The draft is less than two months away.
I need to change the rules of this game.
How does one find motivation to beat the clock, only for the sole intent of being the loser?