Something’s wrong with my earbuds. A foreign beat breaks into the rhythm of the song I’m listening to, pulling my brain off-kilter. Not that I’ve been thinking clearly for months, but still. I have studying to do. Just because I’ve purposely wrecked my personal life, doesn’t mean finals aren’t rapidly approaching. I still need to graduate.
I wiggle the cord, but the annoying sound breaks through once more.
It’s not until I rip the earbuds out in frustration that I realize there’s nothing wrong with the song or my listening device. Someone’s knocking on the front door.
God, I’m so slow these days. It’s like moving around in a perpetual fog.
Mike’s out at some going-away party for one of his teammates, so I heave myself off the couch to answer the door. A delivery guy must be at the wrong apartment for a pizza or Chinese order.
Hmm. Chinese sounds amazing. Nothing helps Business Stats go down like a large order of Mu Shu Pork. Maybe a reward of Crab Rangoon for outlining five chapters. It’s too bad wine delivery isn’t a thing. Adults deserve gold stars for effort, too, and nothing pats a grown woman on the back like a nice bottle of red.
Surprise washes over me when it’s Alex’s face that greets me.
His gaze darts around the hallway, then behind me into the apartment. “Is Mike home yet?”
“No.” I step back, motioning Alex inside. “He’s still at the party for Byron. Why aren’t you there?”
Alex’s movements are uncharacteristically cagey as he steps into the apartment. “I left early. I wanted to beat him here.”
I step closer and sniff his breath for alcohol. He’s acting weird. “Did you two make some kind of bet I probably don’t want to know about?”
Alex winces at my question, but lifts his gaze to mine. He seems distinctly…nervous. “No. No bet. We do have a serious disagreement about something, though.”
“Oh? And what is that? Which strip club you’re all dragging Byron to for his last hurrah on campus?” I do not miss being involved in team events. Though Rob tried to shield me from the worst of their behavior, it doesn’t take psychic powers to know what kinds of extra-curricular activities football players are into. Maybe Rob will even go with them and get a special lap dance in the champagne room tonight.
On second thought, no Chinese delivery. My appetite has disappeared. I might run down to the liquor store on the corner, though. A bottle of pinot noir isn’t going to be strong enough to drown out my imagination. I’m going to need a straight fifth of Ouzo for that.
Alex sits on the edge of the coffee table beside me as I reclaim my spot on the couch. His sharp blue eyes glance around, almost as if he’s looking for something to distract himself with. “There’s something I think you should know, but Mike says I need to mind my own business.”
Mike and Alex have always had this weird sort of frenemies relationship. Where it used to be all about prank wars and irritating each other, a sharper tone has colored everyone’s behavior since I moved in with Mike. Rob’s and my breakup has only seemed to pour tension into our little circle. While neither of them has outright said they blame anyone for our split, it’s pretty obvious the guys’ friendships are on the rocks. Or maybe it only feels that way because everyone walks on eggshells around me.
How much worse would it be if they knew Rob and I are married?
They wouldn’t care it’s only a business deal.
Mike would kill Rob, then Alex would help Mike abuse Rob’s corpse. For multiple reasons, not the least of which is being the last to know. Mike and Alex once had a scavenger hunt across campus, complete with tests of physical and mental strength, to compete for who would be Rob’s best man in his inevitable wedding…to me.
Rob cackled like a hyena because it got the boys out of our hair for Valentine’s Day last year. And then he pissed them off the next day by telling his best friends they’d tied, and there was no way he would ever pick one of them over the other.
That’s one of the reasons I agreed to keep our marriage of convenience private before moving out. Rob promised he’d handle everything in due time. I hope that means a quick annulment after he gets settled in his new city, but he never specified. Since I agreed to marry him in secrecy, I’m obligated to stay silent until he’s ready to do…whatever it is he needs to do. Even if it means lying to our closest friends for the time being.
Sensing Alex isn’t going to speak until I give him permission, I cave to my curiosity. “What doesn’t Mike want me to know?”
I brace for the worst when Alex finally meets my gaze, his eyes crinkling at the corners with weight that isn’t usually present on his face.
“You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, right? I wouldn’t tell you something unless I thought it was important and that you deserved to know about it?”
Oh, this can’t be good. “I know. You’re the only one who’s ever straight with me, Alex. The only one who doesn’t treat me like a child. I appreciate that. So, don’t start acting like I can’t handle things now.”
He sighs, clasps his hands together, then drops his chin to his chest. “I wouldn’t tell you this at all if I thought there was no way it might get back to you. It’s supposed to be hush-hush outside of the team. But, half the guys were talking about it at the party tonight, and I figure you deserve to hear it from someone you trust, rather than the rumor mill.”
“Spit it out, already.”
Alex lifts his face, then rolls his lips in before puffing out a harsh breath of air. “Rob was caught fucking some chick in the weight room last week by one of the trainers.”
All the air vacuums from the room. Hell, all the oxygen in the universe disappears.
It’s funny how getting exactly what I wanted simultaneously kills me and frees me.
I don’t know whether to cry in anguish or fist pump the air because I was right all along.
Rob just needed a firm push from me to move on.
His guilt has been weighing him down, not a physical inability or a sudden disinterest in sex. For Rob to so easily believe my lies about sleeping with other men, when he can usually see right through me, there must have been a part of him, deep down, that craved what he could never have with me.
And, why shouldn’t he? He’s a twenty-two-year-old man, who in Kerri’s words, likely wants to pound his woman with his long, thick cock until she screams his name.
Isn’t that what every guy wants?
No man wants a broken woman with disfigured breasts and the inability to have penetrative sex.
“Evie?” Alex’s hesitant voice pulls me from my thoughts. “Are you okay? You said you and Rob split because you wanted it, but Mike’s convinced you’re still hung up on him. That’s why he didn’t want you to know. He thinks it’s just a rumor, or there’s more to the story. Or even that it wasn’t Rob who got busted at all.”
I wave my hand as if swatting away a bug—a fly the size of my heart. “It doesn’t matter.”
And, it really doesn’t. What’s done is done. The whys of it make no difference to my situation. They don’t change a thing.
“Don’t you even want to hear the rest of it?” Alex searches my face like he’s looking for a point of weakness, but he won’t find it.
I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.
No matter how much it hurts, this might be the only decent thing I’ve ever given Rob.
“Really?” Alex prompts. “You have no reaction? None at all?”
He clearly needs me to alleviate his guilt over being the bearer of bad news. I’m so tired of everyone around me feeling guilty, or nervous to speak to me, or questioning of my motives, my life. “Tell me everything.”
Alex casts me a look of disbelief. “Coach pulled us all into a meeting, even those of us who aren’t technically on the team anymore, and told us he wouldn’t stand for that kind of behavior in his house. He made an example of Rob, by banning him from all team facilities. He wasn’t even allowed to attend the meeting. We were told not to speak of it to anyone.”
“Is that all?” My mask of ambivalence slowly crumbles as the mental images assault my brain. Alex needs to leave before I can let myself absorb the blows and torture myself with an imagined play-by-play of Rob letting loose and fucking some other chick.
I can see it in my mind’s eye now. Her, splayed out on the bench press with her ankles on his shoulders. Him, pounding for all he’s worth into her, throwing his head back and making that grunting noise when he comes inside her. I still hear that sound in my sleep most nights.
“No, there’s more. I guess a couple of the guys were there when it happened, even though they didn’t see the main event. They did, however, see a woman fleeing the scene.”
“Who was it?” Why the fuck did I ask that? I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. I’m perfectly happy with the woman being a faceless, nameless nobody in my brain.
He swallows thickly like there’s a sour taste in his mouth. “Apparently, Julie Jones. That reporter who interviewed you and Rob.”
“Oh.” My outward response shows no emotion, but inside my chest caves in on itself. For some reason, that knowledge embeds the knife deeper than if it had been some random jersey chaser Rob might have hooked up with.
Rob and Julie together feels like a deep betrayal, even if it was me who initiated this mess.
An unwelcome thought enters my brain. What if she’s been using us this entire time to get to him? Maybe she only came across as wanting to help us in order to knock Rob and I off our carefully crafted defenses. If she’s screwing him in public places, maybe she’s looking to ruin his career before it ever starts. Did I marry him to protect him from his father, only to send him running to someone who might hurt him more?
“How many people know about this? Has the media gotten ahold of it yet?”
Alex looks almost relieved I’m finally participating in this conversation. “No. No one knows about it except the team. And they’re not really sure what to believe. As far as anyone knows, you and Rob are still together. Everyone thinks you’re lying low because of that photo shoot, and that’s why you two aren’t seen in public together anymore. I think that’s why everyone was talking about it at the party tonight. Most of them figure there must be some mistake.”
“Wasn’t Rob there to set everyone straight?”
“No.” Alex shakes his head. “He’s been MIA since you two broke up. Hardly anyone sees him anymore, unless it’s around campus as he’s heading to class.”
“And you and Mike didn’t feel the need to tell them Rob and I aren’t together?”
“It’s not our place. The way Mike and I see it, if you two aren’t announcing your split to the world, then you must have your reasons.”
Do we? If Rob really was caught with Julie in the weight room, then he must be drafting divorce papers. Maybe everything is really finished, and he doesn’t need me at all anymore.
“You want to clue me in?” Alex raises his eyebrow, daring me to come clean.
I can’t do it. I just can’t.
“So, you and Mike are talking about me behind my back, huh? I guess you don’t think I’m capable of handling my own affairs after all.” Nothing like a redirection of the conversation to buy me an out.
“We’re worried about you, Evie.” He rests his hand on my knee. “You won’t tell us why you moved out of your apartment. You’re not speaking to Rob at all. What’s going on with you? I get everything’s been up in the air since that photo shoot, and you have no idea where Rob will land in the draft, but this all seems a bit drastic without any explanation.”
I shrug, fighting against the building wail in my chest. “I was with him for almost four years, Alex. I’ve never had another serious relationship. You, of all people, should know there’s a big ocean, full of fish out there. What if there’s someone better for me?”
That tastes like bullshit, and it must smell like it, too, because Alex grimaces.
“So, what? You dumped Rob; told him you want to explore your options, and he went out and had revenge sex? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Maybe.” No. Rob found out there’s women better for him out there.
“Have it your way.” He stands up and makes his way back to the door. “I’m gonna go find Rob. One of you two has to crack at some point.”
“Why do you even care so much?” I yell after him. “You fucked your way through Ironville, then fucked your way through State. I’m sure you’ll be fucking your way through the NFL in a few short months! So what if Rob and I want a piece of the pie you’ve been overindulging in for years?”
Alex opens the door, but faces me with a sad expression. “You two aren’t like me. You were supposed to be better than the rest of us; stronger after everything you went through together. If there’s no hope for people like you, there’s definitely no hope for the rest of us.”
He slams the door behind him.
The first tears fall down my face as I run for my safe place.
I throw open the closet door, curling myself into a ball and sealing myself inside my makeshift tomb.
As soon as darkness envelops me, the pain breaks in earnest.
Wave after wave of agony washes over me.
I can’t fight it.
Razors slice my lungs with every inhale, my stomach cramps into knots, and a tingling sensation descends on my limbs.
Rocking back and forth, sobs overtake me.
I wanted this. I asked for this.
I’m so happy for him.
But, God, why does being right hurt so fucking much?
I cry and cry.
Praying, bargaining, wishing, thinking. All of it for nothing. Not for me, at least.
By the time my body has nothing left to give, I welcome the hollowness.
Only a few more weeks.
Weeks until I don’t have to see his face, so close but so far out of reach.
Weeks until I don’t have to pretend anymore.
Mere weeks and I’ll be free to live an eternity chained to my own choices, my own regrets.
Freedom is overrated anyway.
Light blinds me as my closet door falls open.
So spent, I don’t even flinch.
My fight or flight response has flown the coop. I would laugh…if I could.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Mike’s strong arms hoist me away from my safe place.
“It’s over.” I smile up at him.
“No.” He cups my face in his hands, pulls at my lower eyelids, studies me. “What did you take? How much? How long ago?”
I bat his prying hands away, but I’m not strong enough to crawl out of his arms. “Nothing. None. And I didn’t take anything.”
“What did you do, Evie?”
I sigh, a weird feeling of contentment settling over me. “I listened to a lovely story about a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.”
He drops me onto the carpet like I’m made of hot coals and stands, reaching into his back pocket. “Shit. I told Alex not to tell you before we knew the whole story. I’m calling Rob.”
“No!” That’s enough to make my shaky legs attempt standing up for the first time in probably hours. “You can’t! You’ll ruin everything!”
“Ruin what?” Mike barks. “You’re scaring the shit out of me! I love you, but so does Rob. There’s no way he did what they’re accusing him of. Alex had no right to say anything to you. I’m calling Rob, and he can come explain. At the very least, he can talk you off this ledge you’re on, since I can’t seem to get through to you anymore.”
With strength I didn’t know was left in me, I pry the phone from his hands and throw it across the room. “Mike. I’m fine. I swear. I didn’t take anything. But, you promise me right now, you will never call Rob when it comes to me again.”
“No.” He shakes his head, glancing between me and his phone on the carpet. “I’ll never make that promise.”
“Then I leave your life forever.” I won’t take any chances with Rob’s happiness. Not one. Not even for my brother who I’ve loved far longer.
“You wouldn’t.” Even as he says the words, the tone of his voice proves he understands I’m serious.
“Try me.”