“The only stupid mistakes we make are the ones we don’t learn from. Everyone messes up from time to time, Rob. I certainly do. You will, too. It’s what you take away from it and how you rectify it that defines your character. Apologizing doesn’t make you weaker, but it also doesn’t mean anything if your actions don’t back up your words.”
Julie’s eyes are half-lidded as she lays sprawled out on the mattress, a lazy, satisfied smile playing with her puffy lips.
I’m not too sure this is the kind of mistake Pops was talking about, but hell if I haven’t learned some important shit.
Evie was right.
I treated her like glass and didn’t even realize I was doing it.
I was so fucking terrified of being a monster, I never gave her all of me. Never really let go of the fear long enough to absolutely lose myself in the pleasure of her.
I never confessed my sins and gave her a chance to forgive me.
I accused her of taking away my choice to love her, but I’ve robbed her of her own choices as well.
There’s a time and a place for everything. A weight room quickie in the middle of the week is neither a good time nor a good place.
Rough sex isn’t always a bad thing. Some people really enjoy it.
Some people also get off on voyeurism and exhibitionism.
I am not one of those people.
Julie has given me a gift. One I didn’t necessarily appreciate at first.
And I can’t accept it anymore.
I climb out of bed and pull on the same t-shirt and track shorts she peeled me out of a half hour ago, too uncomfortable to be naked in front of her.
“Going somewhere?”
“No, but I do need to talk to you.”
“Uh-oh.” She sits up, not bothering to cover herself with the sheet. “I rode you too hard and broke you, huh? I should’ve known I was pushing my luck.”
Julie’s self-confidence has been both a blessing and a curse. She made it easy on me, but she’s also a reminder of everything I’ve lost. Of everything I couldn’t fix.
“You’re going to suddenly renege on your gentlemanly ways and make me do the walk of shame now instead of tomorrow morning?”
“You can crash here tonight.” I might be a bastard of epic proportions, but even I have limits on the shitty things I’ll do to people. You know…holding doors open? I’ve got that covered. Loving someone unconditionally and to the fullest extent? I’m working on it.
“This is how it ends, hmm?” She rises from the bed, plucking her discarded clothes off the floor. “I thought I could squeeze a few more sessions from you, but I shouldn’t be surprised. What, with Sacramento getting you in the draft. You have a lot to do in the next month to prepare for a cross-country move.”
“I don’t have to be there until July, but yeah. I’ve gotta pack up the whole apartment, ship everything. I’ll be back and forth for meetings and stuff like that.”
“No time for a romp in the sack. Got it.”
I flop down on the mattress and watch as she dresses for what will be the final time in my presence.
Three times. I’ve had sex with another woman besides my wife three times, and it’s nearly killed me.
If there’s one other thing I’ve learned while with Julie, it’s that I need to be more open and honest with people. I’m a firm believer in working hard to get the things I want, and that practice makes perfect.
Might as well start right here, right now.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Jules.”
She glares daggers at me. “You know I hate it when you call me that.”
“That’s why I do it.” I catch the pretend bullet she fires at my chest.
“No attachments, Falls. We agreed.”
“Don’t worry. I hate you as much as I like you, Jones.” That’s not a lie.
She smiles like I’ve just given her the compliment of her life. “Give it to me straight, then. Why are you kicking me out? Are you finally bored with me?”
“I don’t think bored is the right term. What we’ve done together…” I can’t even say the words aloud. “It’s not enough.”
I brace and wait for the laughter and ridicule. Julie’s the kind of woman who likes a man to dominate her in bed. She doesn’t want meek; she wants someone to own her ass and make her beg for it. And because I didn’t know what to do, she told me exactly how, when, and how hard.
I always thought Alex was full of shit with those stories.
The mattress dips as she sits at the edge of the bed, facing me without hesitation. Her knowing smile brightens her green eyes. “Finally came to your senses and realize you can’t separate the act from the emotion?”
“I can’t. I really can’t. You’ve been good to me, Julie. But, I don’t want you.”
“You really do kind of hate me. Fair enough. Go on.”
Tense laughter bubbles out of my chest. “I really do in a way. I’d love nothing more than to blame you for half the shit I’ve been through in the past few years. For what Evie’s been through. But, that isn’t fair.”
“No, it’s not,” she concurs.
“Being with you was easy in a way. Like we agreed, no attachments, no messy stuff. You told me exactly what you wanted; there was no guess work on my part. You took care of yourself for yourself. You basically just used me to get you where you wanted to go.”
She nods, completely secure in my judgment of the situation.
“But, I miss the messy. I miss the attachment. I don’t want just sex for an orgasm.”
“You miss Evie,” she supplies.
“I do. I miss my best friend. I miss the screw-ups in bed. I miss the laughter. I miss the gentle. I miss the nothing and everything all at once. I really would rather never have sex again, than not be with Evie.”
“She moved on first,” Julie reminds me. “She might not miss all the things you do.”
“She might not,” I agree. “But I’d rather have none of it than fake it.”
“You haven’t been faking it with me.” She shoves my arm playfully. “You cannot deny those three used condoms.”
I reach for the box on the nightstand and toss them at her. It’s not like I’ll be using the rest. “I can’t. But I didn’t enjoy it the way I should have. I performed for you. I gave you what you wanted to make sure you enjoyed it, even if I didn’t. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes I did. Losing control that one time was eye opening. But, at the end of the day, it was just an act. A physiological thing my body did without thought.”
I get Alex so much more than I ever did.
“The thing is, I performed with Evie, too. Only I didn’t realize it because I thought I was loving her. Because I don’t love you, it was easier for me to recognize what I was doing. I couldn’t see it when I was with her.”
“Ouch.” She plasters her hand over her heart. “I told you to give it to me straight, and you did.”
“I told you I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“The only question left then is this: Are you finished lying to yourself?”
I shake my head. “I never did. I love that woman. Always will. I just needed to figure out the rest of the bullshit.”
Patch hops up onto the bed. I slide my hand over her smooth fur. She purrs in response and curls up beside me in her now-typical spot. “I’ll never have with anyone else what I had with Evie. And I don’t want to.”
Julie frowns at my cat. She’s never liked the kids. “I’m sorry I got you into trouble with your Coach. I really didn’t mean for us to get caught like that.”
That’s my biggest regret of all. I’m supposedly the guy who holds myself to a higher moral standard. When faced with a naked woman begging me to fuck her, I caved to what my dick wanted and not what my heart broke for and my brain argued against. Maybe because it was a fantasy I’d always had with Evie. I’d never admit to Julie I was picturing another woman that day.
Julie leans over, places a kiss on my cheek, then rises to her feet. “It was a pleasure, and I do mean that in every sense of the word, to be your sexual therapist.”
“My what, now?” I never told her a damn thing about those problems.
She rolls her eyes as she heads for the doorway. “It was obvious, Falls. Don’t make me explain why. I wouldn’t want to undo all the growth you’ve accomplished by damaging your ego. Besides, it was a good deal for me, too. I got exactly what I asked for. No more and no less.”
Yeah. I definitely like Julie as much as I hate her.
“Good luck to you, Lois Lane. I expect great things.”
She shakes her head with a subtler smile than I’ve ever seen on her pretty face. “Typical hook up. Doesn’t even know my name.”
I snicker. “Thank you for everything, Julie Jones.”
“I expect great things from you, too, Rob Falls. And not only on the football field. It’s been an absolute honor and privilege to know you.”
A ringtone I haven’t heard in a very long time drowns out the sound of the door closing behind Julie.
I answer, my heart in my throat. “Evie?”
A sniffle on the other end of the line has me bolting upright in bed.
“I’m sorry to disturb you,” she stutters. “But, your presence has been requested in Ironville, and I promised I would call you as soon as I got a chance.”
“Baby? What’s wrong?” Evie hasn’t called or texted me in months, so it must be important. I’m already grabbing my wallet and keys off the dresser, nearly tripping over Felix in my hurry to get to my shoes and the door.
“Papou fell asleep in the Lord yesterday. YiaYia would like you to be a pallbearer at the funeral.”
Grief that seems all too familiar creeps up my spine, halting me in my tracks. “May his memory be eternal.”
I’ve been around the Greek block enough to know the response.
“Thank you.” Evie clears her throat. “I wanted to let you know, but I’ll tell them you’ve got plans in Sacramento this week. Meetings or something like that.”
“Are you still in Ironville? I’m coming. I’ll be there in two hours.” I reverse tracks, heading into the bedroom to pack a bag for a few days.
I’ll have to set out extra food and water for the cats, clean the litter box…maybe I should pack them into their carriers and bring them with me.
Shit. I need to shower. I can’t go to Evie, smelling like sex and another woman’s perfume.
“It’s fine, Rob. Don’t worry about it. They’ll understand. They all watched the draft. They know you’re busy now. Papou loved you, and I wanted to make sure you knew it. The day before he died, he asked about you. Said he missed you and for me to give you a hug just from him when I came back to campus to pack up.”
“I’ll take that hug. In two hours. I’m on my way.”
A sob breaks over the line, bringing tears to my own eyes. “I didn’t mean to bother you…”
“Baby, do you need me? Tell me the truth.”
“No.” Her voice hardens. “I told YiaYia I would call, and I did. My job is done.”
A smile splits my face even as tears roll down my cheeks. “You’re such a terrible liar, Mrs. Falls. Hang on. I’m on my way.”
I’m going home.