I've been reading and re-reading our chat conversations from when Kelsey was in Africa a couple of months ago all afternoon like some thirteen-year-old middle school girl. Maybe I thought this would make me feel better about my tantrum this morning, but its only making me feel worse. It makes me miss how our relationship was. When it was only cyber chatting and videoing. When she wasn't here, hooking up with guys in front of my face. But I am a glutton for punishment, so I will take seeing that and having her close by then her being a continent away.

I hadn't meant to blow up at her, or to trick her with my play on words. I just wanted to see what she would say.

And dammit if she hadn't looked like she was about to hurl chunks of Reese's Puffs when she thought we'd slept together.

There was your answer, Clint. You asshole. I'd gotten what I wanted, a reaction. Too bad it had been the exact one to crush my already wounded heart. When I'd seen her face - her mouth a round O-shape at the breath she'd just inhaled, her cheeks red with shame - my stomach had plummeted through the floor. It felt like someone had taken a crossbow to my heart and shot it straight through my body, where it landed as a bloody mess on the wall behind me.

I was pathetic. Here I was, 100 pounds down and eating grass for every meal trying to impress a girl who clearly only saw me as her humble, funny fat friend. 

I wasn't flashy. I wasn't cocky. I wasn't rich.

I was quiet. I was down-to-earth. I would rather go to the movies or to a causal dinner with friends than party.

I was everything Kelsey was not. Or everything she didn't want.

It was time to end this. The pining. The self-pity. The beating Kelsey up. This was my problem, and something I needed to get over now. For her sake and for mine. I needed to find a nice girl, someone I could grow with and experience what it was like to be in a relationship. Because believe it or not, just because you're on a top tier college baseball team does not guarantee you a piece of ass every Saturday night. Especially not when you weighed almost 300 pounds.

The thump of a car stereo shakes my bedroom floor, which is located closest to our driveway, and I reckon Minka and Owen are home. I haven't left my room since I slammed it to spite Kelsey, so I wouldn't even know if it was nighttime at this point if I didn't have two windows in here.

Another loud smack and the walls shake. Whoever slammed whatever door in this house, might have just broken it off the hinges

Ambling up from where I'm slouched in my desk chair, I throw open my door. "Hello?"

Minka and Owen come running out from his room, his hair a rat's nest and her shirt on inside out. "Nice, guys. It’s like four o'clock."

"There is always time for-" Owen winces when Minka punches him in the arm before he can get the rest of his sentence out.

And I'm envious that he has a girl who wants to do that with him at all hours of the day.

I can't contemplate that much more though, because another crash comes from the spare room on the other side of the house. And one thought runs through my brain. Kelsey.

The three of us look at each other and then run, almost tripping over one and other in the tiny hallway. We slide through the kitchen and up to the spare room door.

Minka throws it open. "Are you hurt?!"

There is panic in her voice and I can Owen physically restraining her from barging into the room. I peer through the doorway and see Kelsey, fine as wine, standing in the middle of the carpet.

The three of us take a collective deep breath, not voicing the situation we were all inevitably running through our heads. Two weeks ago, we woke up to a screaming Kelsey. When we'd barged into her room, some drunk asshole was on top of her, her mouth face down in the pillow and her hands behind pinned behind her back. I'd almost murdered the douche bag before Owen pulled me off of him. It was one of the handful of times Kelsey had gotten in too deep since she'd been living here the last two months. Minka said she usually wasn't this bad, that yes, she had her fair share of hook ups, but Kelsey usually screened the guys well. The ones she was bringing home now bordered on dangerous.

"I'm fine." She looks around the room in a crazed fashion, and that's when I see the suitcase laid out on the bed. Kelsey starts throwing items haphazardly into the open mouth of it, not bothering to fold or sort anything. "I just have to get out of here."

"What? Where are you going? You just got home." Minka steps up to her, puts a hand on Kelsey's shoulder to rouse her from the daze she's in.

"My parents, they know I'm here." Now she looks Minka in the eyes, dread and panic spreading like a rash over her beautiful pixie features.

Minka sucks in a breath, and anxiety washes over my flesh. I can feel the toxicity in the air and I don't even know what the problem is. It may be because I've gotten so used to reading Kelsey's body language that I know whatever that sentence means, its causing her to run. And fast.

"Okay, calm down. Owen, Clint can you give us some space?"

Minka throws a cautious look our way. Owen shrugs, turning to go, knowing he's not wanted in the situation. I on the other hand can't move my feet, which are now cemented in the doorway.

"I want to help. Kelsey knows she can talk to me."

Hurt mixes with the panic in her face as she finally acknowledges my presence in the room. I know she's thinking about my outburst this morning, and I couldn't feel more like shit right now remembering how I'd yelled at her.

"Clint, please." Minka shoots me another look, this time annoyance clouding her exotic face. One last look at Kelsey and I know she wants me gone. Fine. It only solidifies my decision to get over whatever I feel for her. She clearly doesn't need me as her shoulder to lean on.

An hour and a half of struggling to concentrate on the movie I’d thrown on while trying to keep thoughts of Kelsey out of my brain later, a soft knock comes on my door.

"Come in."

My door swings open to reveal Minka, looking wiped out.

"Hi." She gives me a small smile.

"What's up?"

"Just thought you might want an update on our girl."

I shrug. "Sure, whatever you want."

Minka eyes me, doubt and annoyance flickering in her eyes. "You're telling me you haven't been sitting here for an hour chewing your nails over why she was freaking out?"

Trying to hide my anxiety and come across nonchalant, I shrug again. "Kelsey is a big girl who is going to do what she wants to do. If she doesn't want my help, I can back off."

"Oh, really? That's what you were doing last night? Backing off?"

I sigh heavily, not wanting to get into this with anyone. Especially Kelsey's best friend. "What's up, Minka?"

She hesitates for a moment, but relaxes into herself as she takes a seat on the edge of my bed across from where I sit in my desk chair. "There are some things you don't know about Kelsey. I'm not going to get into it, because it’s not my place to tell you, but she hasn't had an easy life. Despite what it might look like from the outside. Her parents are in town, and that's a problem for her. She wants to run, take off again, but I bought us a few extra days. Maybe a week. This is the best place for her right now. I'm scared of what she might do if she disappears again."

I take a moment to process all of this.

And decide I need to guard myself right now rather than take care of the girl who has been pushing me away, or keeping me at arm's length from the very beginning.

"Listen, Minka. Kelsey is my friend, and I like having her here. But I'm not sure what you're asking me to do?"

She doesn't hesitate for even a minute. "You guys have a special bond, Clint. Convince her to stay here for as long as you can. She'll listen to you."

"No, she won't. She barely does now. I'm sorry, Mink, I don't mean to put you in a tough position. But I really just can't keep saving someone who doesn't want the help. I have to start looking out for me."

That sounded bad, and inside I felt like my organs were being ripped apart, but I meant it. Or at least I had to convince myself that I did.

Minka's face filled with disgust. "And here I thought you were the nicest guy I knew, Clint. Jesus, selfish much? I thought you cared about Kelsey. Whatever. Thanks for nothing."

And with that, she stormed out of the room and back into Owen's, where she promptly slammed the door.

Great, two women under my roof were now pissed off at me. For the first time in my life, I felt like I needed to get drunk. Usually, I drank at parties. Sometimes I get hammered, sometimes I chilled with a beer or two. Never had I felt the intense need in my veins for a drink. For the hot burn of alcohol.

But right now, it was exactly what I needed.

Picking up my phone, I texted Parker. That asshole was never home anymore, but I needed a drinking buddy and Parker was the best.

It took a couple of seconds, but my phone dinged with his response.

"How about her?"

Parker's gruff voice invades the white noise swarming through my brain. I turn my head, my synapses moving slower than usual after four Jack and cokes.

The blonde he points out is pretty. In an obvious way. She's got the whole big boobs, tiny skirt, hair extensions thing working for her. I'm usually not into that kind of bombshell, but tonight I'm up for anything.

I've pretty much obliterated my nerves with how much alcohol is in my system, although thinking about trying to hit on a girl scares the crap out of me. These weren't things I had to do or think about when I was heavy, since no girl wanted to come near me, and now I pretty much suck at it. Last winter Parker had tried to hook me up with some baseball groupie at a party, after I'd lost about 75 pounds, and I'd been so nervous I'd spilled an entire can of beer down her shirt. I didn't even know that was possible. If my friends knew just how inexperienced I was in the girl and dating departments, they'd laugh their asses off.

"Sure. Let's do it."

He downs the rest of scotch on the rocks, a "gentleman's drink" as he calls it, and motions me to follow him out to the dance floor.

The dance floor parts as we walk through it. Even with the spring semester over and the lighter summer session in full swing, Sammy's was packed. It seemed like since our class would be going into senior year, even more people had stayed at Grover for the summer. Unlike me. I’d decided after championships, I was done with school. I was never here for the degree or the classes anyway, and without my friends, who were all moving onto the majors, there was nothing left here.

While I might have been heavy the past few years, if you were on the baseball team people knew who you were. You were treated differently, given things, comped for free meals at all of the local restaurants. It was a blessing and a curse. Especially for a guy like me who didn't particularly want the attention.

Parker nodded to various random girls as we moved through the gyrating crowd. He finally stopped a couple of feet from the blonde he'd pointed out and her friends. Parker nodded at another blonde within the dancing circle and immediately moved in behind her to start rubbing his crotch on her ass.

I always found it so awkward to start doing that. Just going up to some random girl, grabbing her hips and essentially having sex with her through your clothes. Did they like that?

Apparently Parker's girl did, because when she looked up to see it was him, she snuggled in closer, moving her hips even faster back and forth.

What the hell? I'm trying new things, stepping out of my comfort zone.

I scoot around the group, single in on the girl Parker pointed out to me, take a deep breath...and grab her hips.

She doesn't even flinch, as if this is a totally normal occurrence. Somewhere in the back of my brain, buried deep beneath the drunken haze, an alarm bell goes off. I don't like this. I don't treat women like this.

But the thought doesn't make it to the surface, and I move in closer to her, trying to time my rhythm to the beat of the music.

I've never really danced with a girl like this. I've never really done a lot of things with girls.

I feel stiff and awkward, but thankfully, she's doing most of the moving, rubbing her particularly nice ass back and forth across the zipper on my jeans. As much as those alarm bells are going off, I can't help it when my dick starts to tingle in my pants. I'm a guy. And a guy who hasn't gotten more action than his hand for most of his life. So sue me.

I at least have the decency to lean over and shout into her ear, asking her for her name.

“Rachel!” She smiles up at me and I can see the cocktails she's downed swimming in her eyes.

"I'm Clint."

Rachel wiggles her body harder against me as the song changes and tempo ramps up. "I know! You got so hot!"

I grimace when she turns around, my mind on full car alarm warning at this point. Of course she knows me as the fat baseball player who suddenly got cute. It’s all any girl can talk about when I happen to fall into conversations with them. Although, I don't know why I'm beating her up in my head. I'm here for the same reason she is. Her looks, that is.

I try to shut my brain off and focus on dancing with her, on the way my body responds to her curves.

Except that I don't really like long blonde hair hitting me in the face every other minute. And I don't like the manufactured smell of the sickly sweet mango perfume/body wash that she wears. And I don't like the way she's giving me these phony come-hither bedroom eyes like I should be falling out of my skull to sleep with her. None of this appeals to me.

Glancing around the bar due to my lack of interest and ridiculous level of intoxication, I audibly gasp when I see Owen, Minka and Kelsey push through the entrance to Sammy's. Fuck.

Owen waves at me, his goofy smile giving away the fact that they either came from a party or pre-gamed the shit out of this. Minka and Kelsey are laughing hysterically at each other, and I know they're equally as blitzed.

I try to pour my entire concentration into Rachel. Dancing with her. Feeling her skin. Relishing the hardness in my pants. Anything to distract me from the fact that Kelsey is here.

And then all three of them have joined our corner of the dance floor, Owen and Minka sinking together as the music beats even louder than before. Double fuck.

Kelsey sways to the music, the entire room disappearing save for her petite body doing an enchanting, exotic dance designed to get my whole attention. She has her eyes closed, her cropped black tank top sweater rising up just below the two round swells of her tits every time she raises her hands above her head. Her black jeans hug her tiny waist snugly, her hips flick back and forth gently and sexily at the same time. Rather than the uniform stripper pump that every other girl in here has on, she's opted for a plain old pair of red sneakers. It makes her even more attractive. Kelsey does what she wants. Her crimson locks are curled and messy, floating silkily around her jawline.

She's a goddess.

Rachel doesn't notice that I've practically stopped moving. And clearly she doesn't get the memo on how not into her I am, because she turns around, not so subtly grabbing my crotch between the two of us.

"Want to get out of here?" She whispers, her tongue playing on my earlobe.

Before I can answer, her hands are off of me. Kelsey stands between us, a bitchy smirk on her face.

"Mind if I dance with my friend?"

"What the fuck?! Excuse me, we were dancing!" Rachel’s voice has reached a dog whistle tone.

"Actually, it looked like you were grabbing his cock without permission. Go find another athlete to fuck. Go on!"

Rachel actually has the decency to look embarrassed, and she and her friends slink away to the other side of the bar. I'm half pissed and half amused. Except now Kelsey is standing in front of me and my drunk brain can't decide whether to run or grab the opportunity.

"I was into her you know..."

"No, you weren't. You couldn't look less bored if you tried."

I hated that she could read my thoughts. I also hated that I couldn’t keep my drunk hands off of Kelsey. I blamed their wandering on the Jack Daniels as they reached out to take Kelsey’s hips.

“You’re a cock block.” I smiled, only half kidding as we began to sway absentmindedly. I didn’t know or care what song was on. The only thing I cared about was her.

“Oh, shut up! Dance with your best friend on her last night here.”

Her words sliced open the not-anywhere-near-healed wound in my heart. She was leaving?

“You’re leaving?” My intoxicated brain was so smooth right now.

“Time for this bird to fly.” She grins, hugging in closer to me. A warm flush moves over my entire body. It feels like I’m being dunked in flames.

The song changes again, a slower, R&B chart topper blaring out onto the dance floor. Kelsey turns in my arms, her back to my front, her petite frame engulfed by my big body. She starts to shimmy in slow, controlled motions. The way her hips grind against me has me gasping for breath. It feels like I might die, come or explode simultaneously, and my body can't compute everything that is happening.

I grab her hips tighter, my rough hands making indentations on the bare skin above her jeans. That pretty pale skin will probably be bruised tomorrow, but neither she nor I seem to care. Kelsey winds her tiny arms behind her and up around my neck, causing me to lean forward over her. From here I have the most perfect view of her cleavage, her hard nipples straining against the material of her top. I bend down, burying my nose in her hair. She smells like shea butter and citrus. I want to drown in that scent.

Kelsey is rotating her hips so hard right now that it’s like she wants to grind my pants off. My cock is two seconds away from leaking all over the inside of my jeans.

I don't know if we're teasing, just dancing as friends trying to show off for a crowd, or if this is serious. Does she wants me just as much as I want her right now? I haven't ever crossed the line with her. The one that if I go over, there isn't any turning back. I either go full speed at home plate, or I fall flat on my face, rejected. And I know I should stick to my plan, move on. Find another girl to distract myself.

But she's leaving. I have absolutely nothing to lose. And even if I did, I don't seem to care one bit right now.

With that, I bend down farther, sliding my hands from her hips to her thighs and in a bit more. I swear I hear her suck in a breath. I plow forward, directing myself as I go. Not that I have a full-fledged plan, but there have just been so many things I've wanted to do to Kelsey, with her, that I'm improvising with the short amount of time I have left.

Lowering my lips, I sniff at her bare neck and collarbone, inhaling every sweet smell coming off of her. Damn she smells so good. Leaning in and closing the rest of the distance, I fuse my lips to her skin.

Nothing has ever tasted sweeter in my entire life.

Forget her scent. This. This is what I will never be able to get out of my brain for as long as I live. The taste of her. The smooth, warm skin under my tongue. The way she tastes like the desert and the rain forest all rolled into one. She tastes like nature itself. She is the only thing I need to survive.

"Clint." Kelsey half-whimpers, half-chokes out my name and I think it might be the sexiest word anyone has ever uttered. I slide my lips over her skin again, leaving slow kisses and licks on her burning flesh.

I feel like someone poured diesel and liquid nitrogen into my veins. I'm so amped up, so on edge, that I almost don't trust myself to touch her right now. I feel like I might break her in half in my haste to feel her. I'm shaking, half-drunk and half-dazed. I feel high, like I might be hallucinating. But my vision and actions are so crystal clear at the same time.

She turns in my arm, the same feral look in her hazel eyes that I imagine she sees in mine. "Take me somewhere."

And now we've both crossed it. That line. Me by putting my lips on her skin. Her by agreeing to this, to being with me.

My only response is to take her hand and drag her out of the bar, stopping as we spill onto the sidewalk. Our heads are both on swivels as we glance around, looking for somewhere, anywhere to go. If anyone is watching us, we probably look like we're on Molly, or one of the other drugs all of the kids on campus seem to be taking these days.

After a minute of frantic searching, Kelsey grabs my arm and sprints for a nearby alley between two of the downtown shops. Both of them are closed, the windows dark, and no one will see us as we make our way into the back of the unlit cement space.

We don't say a word, but as soon as we're concealed from the street, she's on me.

I catch her as she's mid-leap to my body, wrapping my arms around her tiny frame and hoisting her up so that our faces are level. Turning her, I prop her against myself and the wall, the way I've seen in the porn I watch. Except all of our clothes are on. And my dick isn't inside of her. But shit do I wish it was.

I pause, sensing the weight of the moment. I'm about to kiss Kelsey. She has her legs around my waist, my hands are in her hair, and I'm about to kiss her.

She lets out a moan of impatience and I dive in, throwing all importance to the wind.

My lips crash down hard on hers, the worries about finesse and expertise completely wiped out of my mind. My brain is blank save for the way Kelsey tastes, smells and feels. My memory has been erased, everything that came before this moment in time does not matter at all.

Our alcohol-tainted breath mixes, the scents and tastes fueling our burning kiss even more. She writhes against me, her small limbs wrapping like vises around my waist and neck. We can't get close enough to each other. I'm practically branding the rough brick wall with a tattoo of her form.

My body feels like one, pulsing exposed nerve. I'm too hot, too sensitive, too turned-on. After what feels like hours of my lips being fused to hers, I come up for air, gulping in sweet oxygen.

Kelsey's entire body is one huge blush. Her pearly flesh is flushed and pink-tinged. It only makes me harder. I can feel my rock-solid dick snuggled closely between us. This is the closest he's ever come to that spot on a girl. And he's about to bust any minute because of it.

It’s not like I've wanted to wait. But it doesn't work like that when you're nearly 300 pounds. And not one girl will even look at you, better yet want to get naked and fool around with you. I've had my share of drunken, pity kisses and sloppy groping over the clothes. But that's about it. The fact that I'm here, in this predicament with the girl I'm basically head over heels in love with? It is surreal.

And being here, like this, now? I'm not even sure what to do next. I want so badly to keep going, to see where we end up, but I'm not even sure I know how. When I think about trying to undress her, unhooking her bra, using my fingers in the right way, putting on a condom. All of those complexities? What if I do it wrong? What if I'm lousy at sex? What if I only get one shot with her? What will she say when she finds out I'm a virgin?

"Clint?" I barely even hear Kelsey for how breathy her voice is.

I look up, and then down. I've gone soft. Fuck. I'm so in my own head that I can't even properly try to perform for the girl of my dreams.

I set Kelsey down, her back sliding on the hard brick, and back away. I run my hands over my head, feeling the prickly black stubble of my buzzcut.

"Fuck..." I grumble.

"Um...what's going on?" She sounds confused. And also turned on. The neediness is so evident in her voice that it gets my useless cock to twitch, but then it goes limp again.

"I'm sorry...I don't know..."

Anger flashes on her face. "You don't know? What I'm not good enough for you? Wow, Clint. I mean I knew there was a line there..."

I cut her off. "No, Kelsey, listen, you don't understand-"

"No, seriously. I get it. Completely. You wanted some slutty blonde skank. That was clearly what was on the menu tonight. Please, don't let me stop you. It’s probably best we didn't anyway. Easier to be friends after, right?"

She scoffs and fluffs her hair. What I have come to know as her defensive maneuver. She's masking her hurt with her usual sassiness. She thinks I don't want her? God, she couldn't be further from the truth. And then she keeps going, talking to hide her hurt as well. "I mean, I thought you'd have a little more standards. If you didn't want me, at least go for a brunette or something, you know..."

I've heard enough and cut her off with a harsh, "Kelsey!"

She shuts up. I finally see through to the girl inside of her. The scared, vulnerable one that she loves to shun away and bury deep. I don't have another choice but to tell her my secret. She can't think I don't want this. I want this more than air. More than life.

"I do want you. More than you could possibly know. It's just...I don't, I'm not, experienced."

She looks at me, another confused expression moving over her fox-like sharp features. I have to rip this band-aid off.

"I'm a virgin."

The realization dawns on her face, and I feel like I'm going to be sick I'm so embarrassed.

I can tell Kelsey is struggling to keep her reaction in check, but her blush gives her away. She thinks this is amusing, or embarrassing, or something. She probably thinks I'm a freak.

"Clint, I didn't know, I didn't guess..." There is a small half smile gracing her lips.

Fuck, she's smiling at this. My deepest secret, the thing I'm most ashamed of in this world and she's smiling.

"You have no idea what it feels like to be looked at in disgust. Jesus...look at you!" I wave my hand at her perfect body. I can feel the anger suffuse through my veins, I can feel my leash on it start to break. I have to get out of here before I blow up on her. "Forget I ever told you. Just...forget it."

I don't even wait to hear or see her reaction. I turn, the hot summer night doing nothing to cool my fury, and start to run. I don't know where I'm running, or why. I run for what feels like hours, the rage in my veins slowly dissipating to a cool exhaustion.

When I finally drag myself back to the house, the entire structure is pitch black. I sneak into my room, too tired to even remove my clothes, and fall into a fitful sleep.