Dorothy still thinks she’s a cub. Hence why she’s trying to sit in my lap right now at 120 pounds. The giant baby. I can’t believe she’s grown so much in almost two months. She’s now an adult cat, almost ready to be a mama herself when the preserve can find her a mate.

As much as I don’t want her to grow up, I’m glad that she is healthy and safe here. That we can breed her to make more babies for this species that is so in danger of extinction.

When I think about that — that some of the animals I love — could be completely wiped off of the planet, it makes me want to lose my lunch all over my shoes. How people hunt these innocent, beautiful creatures for sport, for fun, it makes me want to commit murder.

In Africa there had been a night when poachers had snuck onto the reserve and were targeting one our teenage elephants. A beauty named Theodore, they’d tried to shoot and kill him to sell his tusks on the black market. I remember being ushered into one of the safe zones, part of the protocol on the grounds. We had to wait hours for security to find them, and I was sweating and crying the entire time. I couldn’t take it thinking that I might hear a rifle blast at any point.

Finally, they did find them and the two men were taken into custody. I still wish the head of security would have let me land a few punches.

Dorothy nudges me, clearly annoyed that I have stopped petting and giving her attention.

“You spoil the animals like that and they won’t ever adapt to being around others of their kind.”

The prissy voice freezes my motions, and when I look up, there stands my mother.

“What are you doing here?” The words sound violent as they leave my throat.

Madeline removes her gloves, which are totally unseasonable and unnecessary for this North Carolina summer, but which totally make her look like some movie villain. “I know you don’t want to see me Kelsey Elizabeth…”

“Hmm, and here I thought you didn’t know how to take a hint and take a hike!”

She narrows her glassy amber eyes. “No need to be rude. I hope we’ve raised you with some manners.”

“That would be pretty hard, considering I was left with nannies for more than half my life…”

“Enough! I know you don’t want to see me. But I keep trying to contact you or track you down. I know what happened in Africa wasn’t ideal in your world. I’ll admit that I never wanted you to find out that way. And I also never wanted to tell you this, but it seems you’ve left me no choice. Your actions these last six months have been completely unpredictable, and I just can’t have that on the preserves. As much as I’d like to keep you away, you keep morale up for both the employees and the staff. So I thought maybe this would give you some closure.”

Madeline O’Brien was standing in front of me wringing her hands. This could not be good. I had never seen this ice queen look nervous in my entire life. “What would give me closure, mother?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure how to say this to you. But…your father. Part of the reason I was so harsh with you in Africa well…Your father is not actually your father.”

I think I’ve misheard her. I must have.

“Excuse me?”

“He is not your biological father. The first year we were married, I—“

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I cut her off so fast. My head spun as I rose from my seated position in the dirt.

“Don’t curse at me, young lady…” She turns her nose up.

“I can say whatever the fuck I want. Since apparently, you don’t give two shits when it comes to me. You know, since you’ve kept the hugest secret of my life from me for 20 years!”

“Please, don’t be so dramatic. You’re making a scene.”

I laugh and it’s a maniacal wail. “God! Shut the fuck up, Madeline! Lose the ice queen bit. You weren’t even going to tell me, your own child, that the cold, hard man she thought was her father her entire life, actually isn’t? That there might be someone out there who is responsible for the warmth, the emotions that I have inside of me. Because clearly I didn’t get any of that from you. And apparently I got nothing from him.”

“For all intents and purposes, he is your father. He provides you with this life, gives you anything you might want…”

“It’s always about the status, the money with you people. I don’t care about any of that! Does he know? That he’s not my father?”

“Of course he knows. You don’t look a thing like him, Kelsey Elizabeth.”

I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to process and slow my heart that threatened to burst from my chest. “What about my real father, does he know?”

“Well, yes and he—“

“Stop.” I didn’t know if I was ready to know anything about him. For my entire life, I’d thought that these robots had brought me into this world. That my quirks were just luck, that my emotions and personality were things I’d crafted for myself.

The fact that there was someone out there who might have the same humor, the same fox-like nose? Did my real father like old John Wayne movies? Was he just as in love with animals as I was?

If so, I wanted to meet him.

But on the opposite side, what if he was worse? What if Hugo and Madeline looked like Mr. and Mrs. Brady compared to my real father? What if he was colder, meaner than the father I had known my entire life? I just couldn’t handle that. I’d been disappointed by the people who raised me, and I couldn’t add a third into the mix.

“Just go.” I spoke deadly quiet, but she’d be a fool not to hear the threat in my tone.

“I think you need to hear what I came to tell you.” She said this, but started replacing her gloves back onto her hands.

“If I ever want to know the entirety of this life-altering thing you made the decision to keep from me forever, than I will let you know. But for now, leave. Get out of my life, don’t contact me, and tell that man who was supposed to raise me as his own that I never want to see his face again.”

I heard her heels in the dirt as she walked away, not even bothering to plead with her own daughter to let her stay in my life. Typical.

Fur rubs at my chin, and I feel Dorothy snuggle up to me, allowing me to put my arms around her. I feel the tears come and feel them matte her fur. Big fat ugly sobs that wrack my body. Once they start, I can’t seem to stop them.