Chapter Twelve
Tessa
He returns, and I shake the doubts and fears I’m fighting to keep from choking me. He hands me a tumbler full of amber liquid, then crosses to the sheer curtains hanging closed over the bay window to open them.
He walks back over and climbs into bed beside me, tugging me to him. He taps his glass to mine before taking a sip of his own drink. “I thought we could have a drink and watch the sun set on this phenomenal weekend.” I smile at him, and my heart warms a little with his show of kindness. He has every right to dress and leave, but he isn’t.
I turn so I’m nestled down under the arm that’s thrown over my shoulder. We fall silent, watching as the sun slides down behind the mountains. And he’s right. I never thought a weekend like this one could have ever been possible in my old life.
I should be ashamed of what I’ve done, giving myself to a man I don’t even know, but I can’t. I wouldn’t trade these past two days for anything. They’re mine, and I’ll cherish them because I don’t know if there will be more. The feeling of being wanted by the man in my bed is a foreign concept to me, but Matthew has pulled it off.
“So how long has it been for you?” he asks, clearing his throat and breaking the silence between us.
I roll my eyes and grumble. “That obvious, huh?” I say, drinking nearly half my glass.
He pinches his eyes together, trying his best to suppress a grin. “So how long?”
It’s such a simple question that holds so many complications.
“How long since I’ve had sex? Or how long since I’ve had mind-blowing sex?” I ask trying to keep the moment playful between us.
“Both.” He says tugging tugs on a lock of my hair.
I sigh, not wanting to admit the sad truth of my life before I’d moved to this town. So I go with a vague answer. “Too long, and never.” He grimaces.
When he finds me watching him, he smiles, and it’s warm and reaches his kind eyes. He dips his head down to take my mouth, the taste of the bourbon on his lips. Breaking the kiss, he takes my glass and sets them both on the bedside table. He rests his back against the headboard and pulls me onto his lap, to straddle him, before wrapping my arms around his neck to take my mouth again.
After several minutes of tongue fucking each other, we back away, both panting. I smooth my hands down his bare defined chest, letting my eyes trace my actions. His body is amazing— unbelievable, even.
He takes my wrists, pulling me to him. The action takes me off guard. “What are you doing?” I ask as he flips us.
He leans to the foot of the bed, then reappears over me. “I have five more condoms,” he says with a smile. “I still have some work to do to show you how fucking confident I am.”
“More like cocky,” I say with a giggle.
“Are you asking?” He asks with an evil glint in his eyes.
I jerk the condom out of his hand, making quick work of the wrapper. “Do I have to?” My body ignites with want. I reach between us and roll the condom down his shaft as he moans.
~~~~~~
We both fall back on the bed, completely spent after our fourth round of fucking. To say the man has more than proven to me he has mad skills is an understatement. He moves to discard another condom and as he gets back into bed. Rolling to my side, my eyes drift over his profile that’s being caressed by the light from the bathroom. I hesitantly reach out my hand before laying it on his bare chest. It rises and falls as he takes a deep breath, covering my hand with his.
We lay in the silence and my mind fills with questions about what’s going on between us, if this is anything. I’m afraid I’m blowing what happened this weekend completely out of proportion. Making this one—well, two-night stand into a fairy tale I’ve read about in all the romance novels I’ve consumed.
He’s surprised me. When he showed up at my door Saturday, I expected nothing more than an egotistical meathead who liked to brag about all the women he’s bagged. But not Matthew. He talked to me, wanted to know about me, and has been nothing but kind and attentive since I’d given my body to him. That’s why him still being in the bed with me has thrown me off, and it’s making me wonder if I close my eyes, will he be here when I open them again?
I lay in the silence between us, dreading when the time that will come and he does leave. He’s shown me a kindness I’ve never seen from a man. He’s melted away all my doubts that good men really do exist, and the one lying next to me is one of the best. When the time does come, I’m not sure I’ll be able to let him go.
With these feelings ever present mingling with my fear, I open my mouth and break the comfortable silence.
“So, how do we do this?” I ask, taking my hand from his chest, waving it in the space between us.
“I think I just showed you how we do this, four times.” He reaches out and takes my hand, placing it back on his chest.
“So this is just sex to you?” I try to pull my hand from him, a bit hurt from his intentions.
He sighs, then rolls to face me, never letting go of my hand. His face is lit by the dim light that had just been caressing his profile.
“No, it’s not. It’s about you for me.” He takes my hand from his chest, kissing each finger before placing it back where it had been. I flex my fingers, feeling the slight dusting of chest hair tickle them. The smile he has melts me and burns me at the same time. The flutters start in my belly and surge throughout my body, landing between my legs.
“It is?” I ask, my voice almost unrecognizable, even to me. I lay naked next to the man of my dreams and he’s saying all the right things. There are no warning sirens going off. Uncertainty is laid to rest by the warmth of his smile.
“Yes.” He takes his hand away from mine, gliding the tip of his index finger lightly up the skin of my exposed hip, over my waist and around my breast, then up to my neck where he stops to wrap his fingers around my throat, gently tightening them around it. “Tessa, I don’t know what this is, but I can tell you I fucking like the feeling. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve felt it, and to tell you the truth, I’ve not missed it until you.” He rubs the rapid pulse at my throat with his thumb. “So if you would like to continue what we shared this weekend, I’m game.” He tugs me to him, taking my mouth with his, making me want it just as much, if not more than he does.
“We’ll take it at a pace you feel comfortable with,” he tells me, his hot breath drifting across my lips. “You want to put the brakes on after what happened tonight, we will.” He kisses me again. “If you want to continue with the hot sex speed, I’m down with that too, but it’s not a deal breaker if you don’t.” He shifts our bodies until he’s over me again, looking down at me.
“But I know I have to have you in my life, Tessa. I haven’t wanted anything this fucking bad in a very long time.” He kisses me again, and I feel his words deep in my soul. I smile up at him, a myriad of emotions coursing through me. I’ve not had one moment’s pause about being with this man, giving him my body, but now I have a sinking feeling of doubt.
I have no illusions about Matthew or who he is. He’s a great looking, single guy, and I’m sure he’s been with more than his share of women. And it’s not a thought I’m very fond of, or the way it makes me feel. Jealousy burns me like a hot poker pressed against my skin and it confuses me as to why I’m feeling this way for him, but I am.
He starts to look a little worried with my abbreviated silence after his declaration. But what can I say to what he’s just told me? I’m speechless. Do I want this with him? Or do I just want him to fuck me senseless on a regular basis? Couldn’t I have both? He did offer to continue what we’ve been doing all night and explore the strange feelings we’re both clearly have.
I need to consider my options, but with his glorious body lying on top of me, I can’t find a rational thought or chase down a good reason as to why I shouldn’t just jump head first into something that has blown my mind.
“I saw how those women looked at you at the bar last night, Matthew, and I didn’t like it.” I blurt out, my eyes flying wide when I realize it. “Oh shit, Matthew, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” I say quickly then bite my lip to keep it from spewing any more stupidity.
He smiles at me, leaning in to kiss where I have my lip tucked into my teeth. “No worries, Tessa. It kinda makes me glad you noticed because I guess we do need to talk about that too.”
A loud imaginary pop echoes through my head and I realize it’s the perfect little bubble we’ve been living in the past two days bursting. “Uh-huh,” I say with a slight nod of my head. I’m barely holding it together. I would love to forgo the ‘talk’ and just let him ravage my body again, but we need to do this—say the words and get it out in the open.
“There are going to be things you hear about me when we re-enter society tomorrow, and most of them are probably going to be true,” he says with a slight hint of humor to his words.
“Are you the playboy I think you are?” I ask jokingly.
“Not so much a playboy as I am a manwhore,” he replies. His response is so serious, it melts the smile off my face.
~~~~~~
Matty
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth, but now that they’re out there, I can’t take them back. And it’s best she hears it from me instead of the women I’ve scorned. There have always been those I’ve bedded who thought they could sink their hooks into me, but I cut them loose before it got too deep. I’ve never found a woman who held my attention past an orgasm or two, other than Tessa, in a very long time.
If I could snap my fingers and separate my life a week ago from the life I want now, I would. But I know I can’t, and I’m going to have to tell Tessa exactly what kind of man I’ve been. Never until this moment have I been ashamed of the shit I’ve done, or so worried that the way I’ve lived my life is going to destroy something that could be good—great, even.
When I look down at her, I see no judgment in her eyes, only curiosity, and I realize I’ve been quiet for a bit too long. So I go right ahead and rip the fucking painful ass Band-Aid off what is the fucked up wound that is my life.
“For the past couple years I’ve sworn off relationships and exchanged the high of being in love for whiskey and mindless fucking.” I take a deep breath as I roll off her, landing on my back. I feel the bed move and my head jerks to her, afraid she’s removing herself from it, but she isn’t, she’s just rolled towards me.
She has her hands tucked under her face, and her beautiful green eyes are staring at me. “Is there a reason you did that?” she asks, her voice soft. I wince at the memory. The feeling of loss and betrayal flash through my mind.
“Yes, a big one, but now’s not the time to get into it.” I look at her, pleading silently with my eyes for her to let this line of questioning go. She thankfully does, smiling back at me. “Anyway—” She lays her hand on my cheek, stopping me mid-sentence.
“No need to explain. I don’t want to know that, Matthew. I like the you that’s in my bed and the you I’ve spent two glorious days with.” She leans in to place a chaste kiss on my lips. “The other man doesn’t interest me in the least.”
“You say that now, but what’s gonna happen when someone corners you and tells you repulsive things about me?” I stupidly push an issue she’s trying to glaze over.
“Okay. What exactly are the odds I’ll run into one of these women?” she asks, raising her brow.
I pause as the sheer number of hook ups fly through my head. “Highly likely.”
She laughs, nudging my shoulder. “Really?” She freezes when she sees I don’t join in her laughter. “Oh,” she says as realization comes over her. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is.” Her eyes soften as she tries to make what could be a giant situation into nothing.
I reach for her, pulling her body on top of mine. I lay her head on my chest and hug her to me. “I just don’t want you to think that’s who I am all the time,” I say, full of regret. I haven’t wanted to give my heart to anyone else. Giving them my body was all I could afford, all I wanted to offer—no more, no less. And it had worked for me, until now. I can feel the repercussions of my actions nipping at my heels like an aggravating little fucking dog.
She lifts her head, and this time, she’s looking down at me. She strokes my stubble covered jaw with her index finger, studying me with her intense green eyes. “I could never think you’re any other man than the one you’ve been in my bed tonight.” She kisses me. “You could’ve been a dick to me and left as soon as you shot your wad, but you didn’t.” She gives me a slight smile. I reach out, taking the tendril of hair that’s fallen around her face and twirl it through my fingers. It’s soft, and smells of vanilla and cherries.
She’s different than the women I’ve been fucking for the past couple years. Hell, being with her, I feel different. But I’m afraid that everything I’ve done in the past is going to tarnish my future with anyone.
She turns her head and places a kiss on the palm of my hand, and I close my eyes at the sensations her touch stir in me. I’ve never been a man who believed in falling for a woman in two days, but with Tessa, I can see myself getting close to that edge. I’m moving through the land of lust faster than I thought possible.
“Is it wrong that I don’t want to ever be any other man, other than the one I am in this bed?” I roll us until she’s on her back and I’m once again above her.
“Okay, we have a plan then,” she says. “You stay the bedroom Matthew, and I won’t believe anything I hear about the manwhore Matthew.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.” I feel around for the last condom. Finding it, I hold it up. “How about now I show you more of my confidence?”
~~~~~~
I fall back into bed, still breathing heavily from the fifth round of fucking Tessa into oblivion. She rolls into my side, purring like a cat as she settles against me. I wrap my arm around her warm body and feel as both our breaths even out.
I kiss her forehead. “Sleep, baby,” I tell her as I pull the top sheet up around us. I listen as her breath eases and evens out. Looking up at the ceiling, I try to sort through the events of the whirlwind weekend. I take a deep breath, the unfamiliar feel of a connection to another person, other than my family, covers me.
I’d always believed when she’d left, she’d broken something in me, and for a while I’d missed it. The feeling of loss had eventually went away and I’d stopped looking for whatever the hell it was. But now, with Tessa, I remember what I’d been missing, and in the two days I’ve spent with her, I remember how much I had liked it.
There are loose ends in my life I need to tie up before I let Tessa into it fully. And I have to keep reminding myself that Tessa’s not like her.
I kiss her again as the lulls of sleep beckon me and I drift off with a beautiful woman.