Chapter Fifteen

Caroline

The thunder rolls, shaking the hangar all night long. In true Florida fashion, the storm hit unannounced on my drive home from the spot. I didn’t want to follow his instructions, but my options were zilch. I didn’t want to see him drown in a canoe. I also didn’t want to face my peers with the strings of heartbreak searing like shackles around every limb. It’s all my fault. This is what men expect, and I was too scared to go with it. He was out of his mind drunk, and if he’d been a little more himself I would have had sex with him in that tiny cramped, smelly space.

I called Shirley on the way home and she confirmed I shouldn’t have told him. Or waited until after. Even though that would have made it worse, she doesn’t understand how Tahoe operates. This desire to perfect things he has no control over. Everything was exacerbated by the fact that he was drinking with his buddies in this odd environment that I was an outsider in.

I am delicate. He is a storm. Carnage was inevitable.

When the clock finally clicks to 5 a.m. I sigh in relief. I gave myself permission to a night filled with tears and feeling sorry, but now it’s a new day and I have a shift at the diner. A master at hiding my emotions, I’m ready to put on a happy face.

I shower last night’s mistakes and regrets from my body, letting the water scorch my body to a needling red color, and dress in the familiar, soft uniform my mom tailored to fit me perfectly. As I stare at my reflection, I tie my wet hair into a bun on top of my head and debate covering the dark circles haunting my under eyes. I decide to leave them there and make great time getting to work.

Everyone stares, the news from last night already trickling around the town like a lively case of bed bugs. Who knows what these people actually think they know. A lie. The truth. It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. I’m numb to anything except what has always brought me happiness and comfort. The known entities.

I serve my usual customers at the bar, remembering their orders, filling coffee cups, and pretending better than I ever have.

“You doing okay today, Caroline May?” Bob asks. Maybe he’s too old to be in the gossip loop.

I smile wide. “Of course. It’s a beautiful day,” I reply. Then I remember how wet and gross it is outside right now from the torrential downpour last night.

The smile he returns is sad. “You working by yourself this morning?”

Raising my brows, I nod. “Giving Mama a break this morning.” And Shirley, who is probably just now waking up in someone else’s bed. After a night filled with what I couldn’t bring myself to do once.

Caleb coughs from behind me in the kitchen. I’ve kept interaction with him to the bare, professional minimum. “Ketchup with your hash browns,” I say, setting the bottle in front of his plate. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

Bob winks at me, and I head over to a few of my other tables—all men, stopping in for an early breakfast before work. One tries to engage me in conversation. He asks me about my seashell bracelet, and smiles too wide as he listens to my curt reply.

I know what hides behind that smile. The lies. The games. I cut him off, “If you need anything else just let me know.”

His false grin falls. I walk away knowing I’ll never feel the same way about a man again. As if my thoughts alone could conjure him, Tahoe walks in, the bell jingling like a death sentence. A few of his teammates follow in behind him. His piercing blue-red gaze finds me immediately. The pain is etched in every feature—the guilt plainly visible.

Regardless, my pulse quickens and my whole body electrifies. “Take any seat,” I call over to them as I head back to the kitchen. As I pass Tahoe I say, “You’re alive. Fantastic.”

I don’t look at him or wait for a response.

“I told you so,” Caleb says as he pushes a plate through the window. His cocky grin boils my blood.

“Fuck you, Caleb.” I grab the plate and spin on my heel.

Caleb doesn’t respond, but when I glance at him as I set the plate down in front of a customer, he’s wide-eye and gaping at me. Maybe he won’t mess with me anymore. I should swear more often. I might be taken more seriously.

“What are you guys drinking?” I ask, standing in front of Tahoe’s table.

His friends laugh and I’m reminded of the immature jerks I went to school with. “If drinks are funny then last night was a real roar of a time,” I deadpan. “Water for the table then?” I meet their eyes one by one. “Or did you drink enough bay water last night, too?”

Their smiles vanish. I avoid looking at Tyler for fear of feeling anything except anger and misery. Leif replies, “Coffee for the table and a plate of regret for him.” He tilts his head toward Tahoe.

“I’ll be back with your coffees and his plate of chicken shit in a minute. Anything else while I’m here?” They laugh at my joke. Well Tahoe doesn’t, but I didn’t expect him to. Then again, I’m not sure what to expect from him.

“Fuck you guys. I’m outta’ here,” Tahoe growls, standing from the table and blowing through the diner and out the front door.

Aidan looks smug. “We made him come here,” he says.

“Why?”

“He said you broke up with him last night and we didn’t believe him.”

Leif cackles. “He also didn’t think you were working this morning. You should have seen his face when he saw your bike outside.” Their booth roars with laughter. These huge, burly men with their deep baritone voices echo the small space.

I place my hands on my hips, looking around at my tables to see if anyone is trying to get my attention. I’m okay for the moment. “Listen, he broke up with me,” I say, placing a hand on my chest, over my heart. I think of Caleb’s reaction to my cursing. Swallowing down the woman I used to be—the one who got burned. I have their attention, and I take full advantage of this moment. “It seems Tyler Holiday isn’t good at everything,” I say. “He doesn’t even know how to take a woman’s virginity.”

Their smiles fall, and Leif’s mouth hangs open. Aidan licks his lips. “Oh,” Leif says, shaking off the shock of my unfiltered words. The silence turns awkward, overtaking every particle of oxygen. “It all makes sense now,” he mutters, though I’m not sure he meant for me to hear.

“Maybe you boys can give him some pointers? I’ll be back in a jiff,” I say, scribbling the coffees down on the ticket.

Their gazes are boring into my back, I’m sure of it. Caleb’s eyes look wary as I approach. “Don’t say a word,” I say, shaking my head. Leif exits the building, and comes back in a minute or two later, a grim expression on his face.

As I’m pouring coffee in their mugs, Leif clears his throat. “Uh, can you spare a second to chat with him? He’s still outside. We all rode in together,” he explains.

I shake my head. “Even if I wanted to, I’m waiting by myself today.”

Aidan hops up. “Give me your apron. I have this. I’ve always wanted to live out a waitress fantasy.”

Leif quirks one bushy brow. “You mean fuck a waitress in uniform. Not be one, right?” he asks, then realizes I’m standing right here. “Not you, though. I’m not suggesting he wants to fuck you.” His face is horrified as he tries to talk around his blunder.

I grin. “Of course not. Why would anyone want to fuck me?”

Leif swallows hard. Aidan clears his throat awkwardly. “Go talk to him. Just thirty seconds. Aidan can pour coffee. I attest on his behalf. I’ll supervise everything.”

“I have nothing to say to him,” I say, putting one hand on my hip.

Aidan ushers me to the front door, one arm on my shoulder. I ask Bob on my way by if he needs anything. He winks in response.

I hand Aidan the ticket book and tell him the guy in the suit needs his check. He smiles widely like I’ve entrusted him with a billion dollars. Tahoe is kicking the tires of the truck in the muddy parking lot.

“What do you want?” I call out.

At the sound of my voice, he hangs his head. “They told you to come out here?”

“Said you wanted to talk to me,” I say.

He looks like crap. His face is haggard and his tan skin is a pallid color. “Tyler, I really don’t have anything else to say to you.”

“I fuck virgins,” he says, a hint of meanness inside his words.

I raise my brows. “That’s great. Just not me then. What a compliment. I didn’t come out here to fight with you about your drunken declarations. Aidan is in there waiting my tables.”

He kicks the chunks of wet mud with his big combat boots. “I fucked everything up, okay? Stay away from me and them,” he says.

I laugh. “Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Caroline, I’m telling you for your own good. We aren’t good men. I saved you. Stringing you along for all this time was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. I’m sorry for that. I am.”

Frustration rears, leaving me furious. “I don’t need a good man to take my virginity. At this point I just need someone who isn’t afraid to do it. Aren’t men supposed to want a virgin? I saw on the news one woman auctioned hers off. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. Get it over with so you’ll find me attractive.”

He spins, looking at me dead on for the first time since I came outside. “That’s seriously what you fucking think? That I don’t find you attractive enough?” He steps toward me. I look away, at the window where his friends are staring at us from their booth. The soft glow of the light behind them masking the expressions on their faces. “A war doesn’t have anything on what you make me feel.” He gets so close that I can feel the heat from his breaths.

I have to close my eyes. To get away from him in one way, because it’s too much. Having him this close but not being able to touch him. “You are dangerous, Caroline,” he says. I open my eyes as his flutter closed. “You threaten everything I’ve ever stood for. Everything I thought I needed. Wanted. I’m doing you a favor. Be reasonable please.”

“That’s it then?” I ask. “We’ll just pretend there’s nothing between us? This is a small town in case you haven’t noticed.” His B&B comes to mind and how entangled he is with my world now.

He backs away a step and inhales deeply. “Pretending is going to be hard for a while. I need to get the fuck away from you.”

“How can you do this? I don’t understand. How can you throw this away so easily? For something so trivial?” Before it ever really started. Maybe my hesitance was warranted, maybe he was never that into me. Reading things this wrong is something I’ll probably never recover from.

“You’re asking the wrong questions,” Tahoe replies. To his credit, he looks tortured and crestfallen. Like someone else made this decision for him and there’s nothing he can do to change it.

Licking my lips, I take a step back toward the diner. “What a joke. Have fun in New York.” All of it was too good to be true. Something picked from a movie and inserted in my life. The happily ever after doesn’t transfer over in real life though. I’m not that naïve.

He raises his brows. “If I’m lucky I won’t make it back.” My stomach sinks at what he’s insinuating. I can’t have him, and I don’t want anyone else to have him, but he needs to always exist. To prove what I felt, for even a small amount of time was real.

Shaking my head, I try to process that sober Tyler Holiday is saying the same things that drunk Tyler said last night. He stares at me. Hard. Like he’s trying to figure me out. “You are something special.”

“Not special enough, though. Too small town. Too simple.” He watches my mouth as I speak.

He stalks toward me quickly and the sudden movement takes my breath away.

“Know that anytime you move your lips I want to be kissing them,” he growls. This close I see everything he tries to hide. The specks of lighter blue in his eyes, the way his jaw ticks as he holds himself back. I know what it used to mean. Does it still mean the same thing now?

Blinking away tears, I enter the diner. Aidan has a tray of food haphazardly balancing on one hand, and Caleb is wearing a scowl fit for the Grinch.

One glance at the morose demeanor of Tahoe’s table of friends tells me they watched the whole sad, sorry conversation deteriorate. Who knows, maybe they can read lips. I could punish them for their friend’s behavior, but that would take more effort than I can muster at the moment. When Shirley joins me a few hours later, I give her the lowdown. She makes me feel better, because aftermath is what she’s good at. I listen to her advice, forcing it to be applicable to me. She tells me men aren’t worth it. They are only good for one thing. I tell her that one thing is why he decided I wasn’t worth the effort and she does her best to conceal her confusion, but can’t.

I shove my apron in the dirty clothing hamper near the kitchen. “You have to do it, Caroline. With anyone. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t up to your standards. Make him think he’s a blip on your radar, not worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe.”

Swallowing hard, I think her advice through. “Isn’t that kind of the opposite of what I want?”

“He is not a nice person, Care. Move on. With one of the Bronze Bay boys. They won’t hurt you like that. I guarantee it. It sounds like he has some weird hang ups. You’re ready to settle down with someone?” Not with a Bronze Bay boy. I can’t even fathom it now.

“I’m ready to lose my virginity,” I reply.

Shirley smiles. “Let’s focus on that.”

I shrug.